|Reviews for lost cause|
| Aneliz Rei chapter 1 . 10/6/2006
the last four lines, and the last two, esp, are so genuine, and so real. Why is it that we need proof that we are loved, that we feel like Worthless Nothings if that proof, or that something, disappears? And what do we do with the void left behind?
So...objectively, I would say the best part of this piece would be...it's raw quality, its honesty, its...truth?
| no.peace.los.angeles chapter 1 . 9/17/2006
Your poems are always so heartbreakingly honest and raw, and I don't know that there's another author on this site that does that with their poetry and still has their work be as poetic as yours. Because, come on, "peeling/apart a friendship that helped thaw the winter/in my ribcadge" - O_O. Beautiful. (Though should it be "ribcage" instead? Evs.) Some of the ways you put things in this just make it so beautiful and wrenching, like "your words are small and mean." OMG, what that phrase does. It's honest and real, and I can't think that there's a better way to describe the feeling. My only other concrit is in "never returning to that forest," returning should just be return. But that's all. This is gorgeous. Keep writing! :)
| Gilee7 chapter 1 . 9/15/2006
First off, thanks for the review. Unfortunately, I can't help but be an ass and point something out. You told me to state whether it was four p.m. or a.m. Well, the line IS: "The Christian Girl wakes up at 4:05 on a Saturday afternoon." Note the word "afternoon." Also, yes, those lyrics were mine. Maybe I should become a rapper, huh? I'm wearing my do-rag at the moment. Now I just need to go buy me some bling.
It's been several weeks since I've written a review. Let's see if I still know how ...
[it all started with your grubby chipped hand / reaching out to pull me up from that bathtub of disgust / with suicide notes and buckets of toilet-flushed stomach acid] Very hardcore imagery. This is a great beginning to the poem. You capture our interest immediately.
[I was loved and I was worth knowing] I like the use of italics and the bold feature here. Both are very effective, especially the italicized "was."
[to keep me going just that bit longer of her / space holiday lyrics] Since "her space holiday" is in italics, I'm guessing that's the song's title. If that's the case, I don't understand why you break a line where you do. The full title of the song should be together.
[to keep me going just that bit longer of her / space holiday lyrics and ps2 games to play] I also think, instead of putting the song title in italics, that you should put it in quotation marks. And PS2 should be capitalized instead of in italics.
That whole first stanza is a doozy. There's no grammar so everything reads very fast and violently, as if you're standing right in front of this guy, chewing him out. That motor-mouth style is very effective here, and it helps us to feel the speaker's pain and desperation. The absence of grammar also helps create a powerful, head-spinning rhythm. The only place the rhythm sorta falters is with the song title, and I think that's largely due to the awkward line break. After reading the stanza several times, it's strange, but it isn't really as sad or angry as it sounds. I mean, the stanza doesn't actually say anything about how they stop being friends and the way the guy ends up treating her after that, but yet we already know, just by the tone of the first stanza. We know this poem isn't going to have a happy ending. That's pretty cool, though. It's like . . . foreshadowing by tone.
[and peeling / apart a friendship that helped thaw the winter / in my ribcadge.] *ribcage*
The second stanza is very good, as well. It's less intense than the first one, but it should be. This second stanza is like the flashback scene. In the first stanza, it's like we explode onto the scene, even though the events of the first stanza come before the events talked about here in the second stanza. These first two stanzas feel very cinematic. The first stanza is like the opening scene that shows a girl looking down at a dead body or something, and then the credits roll and stuff, and then we go back in time and see HOW that person died.
[but you wanted more.] Don't they always? LOL. And why do I say "they" as if I'm not a dude?
[and past that it just turned into one / night stands and never calling you back. / in the morning when I was walking home / from another pair of faceless-arms] In my opinion, the last line of the third stanza should be the first line of the fourth stanza.
[the mist brought your answer phone message] I think there's an error here. This sounds very awkard.
[now your looks are cold, your words small and mean] I'd like to see a comma after this line. Most of the poem is without grammar, and, like I said earlier, that actually helps add power to the poem. But, here, I think we could use a slight break; it just sounds better with a comma.
[and you hate me to hurt me to make me realise / it was all fake] Though I get what you're saying, I think this could be re-worded. It's slightly awkward sounding.
[so I drag / my mascara dripped fingers] Great imagery, though you need a hyphen between "mascara" and "dripped."
[and my hand pulls away from yoursto return to its home inside the back of my throat] This is very depressing. I've read enough of your work now that every time I read a new piece, I'm just waiting to see when an eating disorder pops up. This seems to be an issue that's in all of your poetry and prose, which tells me that this is something you've struggled with yourself (or at least someone close to you has). That gives all your work a very auto-biographical feel.
[out and shakingbreaking, shuddering] Loading error.
And great ending. Very sad. Very depressing. As I knew it would be from the very beginning.
A very intense poem. It isn't one of my favorites, but it's still very good. The imagery is dark; the fast rhythm adds to the intensity. The whole poem is very sad, very depressing. Even the second stanza, with its friendly flashback, still has a pervading sense of heartbreak.
I don't understand the title, though. Since there was no mention of a yellow dress, I'm guessing the title is supposed to be symbolic of something else. What, though, I have no idea.
Great poem, citrus. Write on.
| give me back my childhood chapter 1 . 9/12/2006
"mascara dripped fingers"
I love that! I guess I can sort of understand what the poem's trying to say. nice work! (:
| Ebony Stars chapter 1 . 9/11/2006
i think lately your writing is an outlet and a way of staying relatively sane. I think a big hug is the first thing you need and a critique is the last thing you need. So i'll just say keep going, keep writing and keep fighting. Oh, i'm your open minded beta reader if you want. email addy is on my profile, i'd be happy to help and i don't need favours returned :)
| Aquafied chapter 1 . 9/10/2006
of her space holiday lyrics and games to playin place of puking and picking away at myself.-oh that is cruel. and beautiful
i struggle with your beauty thoughand i am incapable of realizing sucide notes means an actual note not a music note
| dress her up in fairytales chapter 1 . 9/10/2006
this is amazing. so heartfelt, beautiful, raw, i love it.
| Aimee Raven chapter 1 . 9/10/2006
Don't apologize for the lenght: it's just right. Lately, everything you write seems purely autobiographical...this is really tragic. You show the contrast between the beginning and the end so sharply, the reasons, the problems, the hurt. It's very painful for the reader, and it makes my heart go out to you. I love the title! Great pun. I can relate to your pain...but the way you wrote this is, as usual, heartbreaking. You have a way of telling these emotional stories without them being a tad cliché, and a way of retelling pain that makes it so palpable. "you hate me to hurt me to make me realise" so sad. I'll stop now. Fantastic achievement. I consider friends very ephemeral nowadays... Love, Mia