Reviews for MasterCard Theory
curious.soul chapter 3 . 5/2/2007
who the hell is "The Big Man"?
Rikayla chapter 3 . 5/1/2007
Hm. This is getting highly interesting. I'm actually quite a fan of slow moving stories... There's more angst that way, and it leaves more imagination to the reader... :P

Great work. Keep it up!
Murphy's Lawyer chapter 3 . 5/1/2007
I really like this, please update soon!

- LL
rachel chapter 3 . 4/30/2007
I love all the way the story has changed and my favourite change so far has to be the rulebook. also by the way can I ask , have you seen youandmeboth? she has officially quit and is roaming around fictionpress somewhere , could you please join my search party by keeping your eyes open?

the big man lol is so funny. Cam and dakota are so cute together!
MKSub chapter 3 . 4/29/2007
I feel like I've read this before. I really like it. "The Big Man" seems kind of scary.
RisanF chapter 1 . 4/23/2007
Style: A lot of the style factor here is dependant on the personality of your protaginist, since this is a first-person narrative. Unfortunetely, the "cynical, bitter teen" narrator idea has been done quite a bit, so it's hard for me to taking it in at face value. It's still a solid presentation, though; clean spacing and paragraph breaks.

Plot: I hate to say it, but your plot premise seems a little tired out at first glance. The "girl falls in love with handsome bastard" idea has become a cliche, which has made the idea lose some of its initial appeal. I am of the mind to think that Beauty and the Beast-type plots sours when our he beast in question is decribed with adages like "his dark hair casting shadows on his face." It makes it look like Cam is going to get all the breaks because of some sort of bad-boy magnetism, and it's just hard for me personally to sympathise with.

Of course, you can turn this all around by adding enough plot twists to refresh this whole theme. I'll try to tell you of some tricks you can use later on.

Characters: The main character seems a bit typical and whiny, and sometimes I wonder if she's as sympathetic as she wants the reader to think she is. On another note, Cam hasn't yet proven to us that he is the complete jackass Dakota claims he is; maybe whatever those douchebags said was actually part of a life lesson he needed to hear. It is suspect, though, that none of the three males want Dakota to know the full truth of this scam she's participating in. If I were Dakota, I probably wouldn't agree to any of it unless I knew the whole story.

Grammar: No major problems on that end.

Suggestions:

-A lot of the issues with this story come from the protagonist's prejudices, and that's where you make your move. For example, Dadoka tells about the loss of her job in a righteous tone, but it's weird for someone to get fired because the manager decides he/she hates them. What if, in truth, Dekota really did deserve to get fired; say, that she had a bad attitude, but didn't realize it, and thus doesn't tell US. Having an unreliable narrator might be just the juice your story needs.

-

Other: None.

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Overall Impressions: Typical premise so far, but solid structure throughout. A lot of the issues here can be dealt with simply by where you go with the upcoming chapters. The charm of the Beauty and the Beast plot is how first impressions can be decieving, so bank on that with the plot as well as the characters.
Jenna chapter 3 . 4/21/2007
Yo, sorry I haven't reviewed in a while, for some odd bizzare reason I haven't been on the computer lately. By the way, LOVE this new version, I still love the old one, but this is better. Man I love Shakespeare, lol.
its.Nothing.Special chapter 3 . 4/21/2007
And the plot thickens...umm, again...some more. yeah.

Okay, so I guess she can't tell Grace. Figured as much..but this thing is getting tres, tres confusing. Reveal yourself, Big Man! ..I'm guessing he's already been introduced..but maybe not. Dumdumdum.

But sheesh, angry hippo friends are s-c-a-r-y. (-cowers-) AHH! IT'S GRACE! RUN! HIDE!

Cool twist-y chapter. I shall check out more of your stuff until you decide to update this jewel. :P

;)becky
its.Nothing.Special chapter 2 . 4/21/2007
And the plot thickens. Poor Grace. She seems like a super cool friend already.

Man, now it seems selfish of Dakota to go on with the deal..can she tell Grace and friends about it...? 'cause if not..Grace would be mad at her for a l-o-n-g time. :P

Nice chappie, good twist.

;)becky
its.Nothing.Special chapter 1 . 4/21/2007
.eh.

WOOHOO! MUHN-AYY! Ahem. Sorry. But seriously, twenty four hundred dollars? Now that's what I call a story. :P

Okay, yeah, the fake-girlfriend-(what I'm guessing is a)-bet story has been done before, but I really like your lead voice, and Cam sounds hot-hot-hot, even though I only know he has dark hair. How the heck did you make him seem so hot? ..Okay, I sound like a moron. I just read Mall of Broken Hearts which was, like, serious, so I wrote a serious review. This was so..un-serious, and I'm having a hard time transitioning. Forgive me. :P

So, umm, I really liked this, and I'll read more after I eat. Yumm yumm breakfast. And sorry for the cruddy review.

;)becky
YellowBanana chapter 3 . 4/21/2007
Although that was a filler chapter, it was a damn good one

Like the detail...please update soon!
Queen Anabella chapter 1 . 4/18/2007
Very interesting beginning.
The Ferrett chapter 3 . 4/17/2007
you know if you add up the money givings and takings they actually have bonuses. ::))
The Ferrett chapter 2 . 4/17/2007
Twists and turns may get you burns but it will keep the reader. Good work. Love the way it's going and liove the twists. ::))
YellowBanana chapter 2 . 4/17/2007
Great update!

As interesting as before!
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