Reviews for IOU |
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![]() ![]() ![]() Hah, what a fun chapter. I really liked...well, maybe that's not quite the words I was looking for, the part where Nekoro blew up all those skirts. It was...strange, and odd...and unexpected lol. It didn't make any sense but it did. Anyway, it made me laugh. The parts with the sorcerer/ess was good too, nice little bit of bad guy characterization. I actually felt sorry for Ivy. But, it was a good wrap up chapter for sure, and the cake thing did seem like a nice idea. I'm suprised Hana didn't say anything. I was ready for someone to bump her or knock the gift cake out of her hands. That would have been too cruel T_T. I didn't see anything wrong with this chapter, other than some minor grammar mistakes. Your character scenes are really good and I wouldn't dream of telling you how to fix them, but your action sequences could use a teeny bit more work lol. Overall, yay, and its too bad Taketo and Nekoro are going. |
![]() ![]() ![]() What a crazy fight. A lot happened but didn't. It felt really long, but the few actions were so well described, it wasn't as long as it appeared. Anyway, oh yeah, tons and tons of grammatical errors lol. Like, more than all your other chapters combined. Also, alot of your sentences had some bad repition. Alot of times you would say ground twice in the same sentence when they were fighting, and little things like that. And some of your sentences are really wordy, with lots of extraneous material, or close to it: Unlike Avani, Saiyuri had some luck in dodging. She then moved in and kicked Pisces in the stomach. Pisces would have moved back but Avani’s whip wrapped around her arm. Saiyuri smirked and kicked the sorceress into the pool. The third sentence is telling instead of showing, which means it sounds like your just reading us something. It doesn't have the feel of us being there to see it for ourselves. The second and fourth sentence are concrete and action oriented. So if you write more of those and less of the "informative" type sentences, the chapter would be much more cinematic in feeling. But I like the characters, Raiden seems like the typical bad guy and Pisces was a little more quiet. Avani is a bitch and poor Saiyuri needs to give her a good smack. And Dimitre is player, just like Koji. |
![]() ![]() ![]() love it. sry i haven't been around in a bit. school sucks like that. keep up the awesomeness and review soon! |
![]() ![]() ![]() XD i'm so sorry i didn't review before u should edit this chapter for the small mistakes plz continue writing this! Update! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Haha! I wish someone would give me a gift like that! These latest two chapter were really nice. However, I think you left out some words when Nekero was atop the biulding. "Koji looked up and squinted his eyes. He could see a little girl standing on top, her hands on her hips. She was standing defiantly in front of the sun. Her dark purple sway out behind her. She had a bag on her back and long pants. She also was wearing “No freakin’ way,” he whispered." I take it that it's her hair behind her? And what is it that she's supposed to be wearing? |
![]() ![]() ![]() I love this story! It's so god. I really do enjoy the maturity of the narrator's voice. Though, it's been so long since this story first started, I can't remember what it was like back then. I think it was the same, just as good. Anyway, I know this is a hella late review and it's my fault that I may have partially forgotten your characters, again lol. Taketo is the one with the little sister? Nekuro, shit I can't remember. But I really liked Avani and Saiyuri, they seem like they have great chemistry together. Rivalry, competition, and annoyance; nothing says tension like "You're a bitch" and "Right back at ya". The chapter felt shorter than the others, so man, I read through it in like five minutes. Makes me wish I would have read it way back when, when you actually updated it. Anyway, good chapter and great characters. The only question concern that I have is I hope you balance all the brand new characters evenly. You can only dedicate so much time to each before you start thinking "Gee, I haven't said anything about so-and-so for like 3 chapters." At least, that's what happens to me all the time. I love characters, the more the better. lftnc |
![]() ![]() ![]() My stupid alert thingy isn't working, so I never got the email telling me you updated T_T Sorry. Anyway. The beginning of this chapter was kind of slow, and I skipped over a bit of it. (Sorry, again.) But it was no doubt essential to build up to the party, and the two girls. (By the way, LOVE the Saiyuri-Avani interaction!) And the Thunder God's-er-way of introducing himself seemed so... un-formal. You'd expect someone extremely powerful to be all formal and stuff, and then he comes in and says, "Ha! I've found you!" I liked that. Um... well, my reviews are getting a lot worse ; I don't know, I don't have much to say at the moment. It was a good chapter, a ittle slow at the beginning, but good. And, um... yeah. So update? |
![]() ![]() ![]() Well, to be honest, it starts off rather slow. Most part of this chapter seemed like it could've been skipped with not harm to the story itself. That whole Koji guy isn't really a character I like, though that Tanaka girl (btw, that's more of a last name then first) seems nice enough. Overall I mostly got interested at the end when that girl opened this whole dimension door. Until then the story seemed more dragged. But the conclusiom of this chapter is good enough to make me wanna read the next, which I'll do some time in the future. |
![]() ![]() ![]() So that was Ivy Rose; an interesting character. She's pretty evil that's for sure. And badguys never seem to have a sense of loyalty to one another; such a terrible thing. It was kind of funny that she tried wiping out one of Aviant's candidates. I thought some of the dialogue throughout the fight was a little bit of a stretch, just minor things that didn't seem quite realistic, but the only way I could think to suggest on how to fix them is to imagine what you'd say in that situation. The descriptions were nice and the flow was pretty good too. And poor Koji, leaning on Tanaka like that. Hmph, their relationship is still pretty tense but stagnant at the same time. Sorry it took so long to reading this chap, but I'll be waiting for the next one. Still a fun story. |
![]() ![]() ![]() awesome, this is turning out pretty well, just pleast stay away from first person like in 12. it's much better like this, Please update soon! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Heehee... update. And GODS, do I love the Konaka moments They are just too cute! I just want to 'aw!' every time I read them. Not fair T_T I love how everyone's first assumption is that they're boyfriend and girlfriend. It's so... well, not cute, since I already USED that word, but it's... adorable? Yeah. Adorable. Right. Um. Not feeling very critical right now, which means that you're spared of a breathtakingly long and boring review from yours truly. Yay. So... uh... good chapter? Liked the fight. And Ivy Rose is... cool enough. But I like Aviant best so far. (Out of the sorcerers, anyway.) But yeah. Keep up the good work, and I'll wait for your next update! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Yay! Today's so great! U Updated! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Nice work on these two chapters! I really enjoyed the whole Koji's POV thing. I agree with Virage: he seems (and most likely is) extremely dense and shallow. But he's just so interesting that I can look over that fact. And it provides for some funny moments, such as the talk of Tanaka's bra size. I smile whenever I read it. The addition Nekoro and Taketo is also welcome. I find it cute how she named her teddy bear Roxas. Just what the world needs: another fangirl! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Great chapter. I'm beginning to get a much better feel for your writing style too, I really love it. It's more character and drama oriented than action oriented, which is why I think some of the action scenes tend to look...not as good. But the other 80 percent is wonderfully written. I catch myself reading a lot of the prose and transition parts and my eyes go wide. "Damn, I want to be able to do that too," is what I say next. As I keep up with your narration there's a lot of things I really like (style and transisitions are two of them) but I'll make mental notes for future reference. And very nice with the scenes and settings. I noticed you were really careful and usually remembered to describe settings as characters move to different scenes. When Koji was in the bedroom, you showed it; same for the living room earlier with Naoko decorating, and again in her bedroom when they were about to go to sleep. But I think the best part was when Koji and Taketo went to the window to open it and leave. It might seem common sense to throw in the bit about how the snow fell inside because there was so much, but you'd be suprised at how easily a writer can forget show something like that. Believe it or not, it's probably one of the most visual scenes I saw in my head. Taketo and Nekoro! They were the Americans way back when! Hah! That's so cool they they're little two cents when they felt that weird time stop thingy finally came full circle and now they're in Japan. As soon as I realized where I remembered their names I jumped a little in excitment! It was fun. |
![]() ![]() ![]() What a short little fun read. The tie part was definietely the highlight. Very well done and easy to visualize. I feel so bad for Tanaka but at the same time I want to cheer for her. Koji, lol. It's really funny to get a first person POV from him, he's so dense; guy's got like, no redeeming qualities when it comes to his mental fortitude. But's he still one of the best characters in this story. |