|Reviews for Guardian Angel|
| Ivi chapter 4 . 9/8/2008
Well I am interested in the plot, you wrote the fast passed stuff well. Which can be difficult, although I do feel like everything you have done in four chapters could easily be expanded to like 8 if you just fill in some of the gaps, a lot of the stuff about the government feels off simply because things are never as easy as bringing a bunch of people together and calling it a democracy. But then again that’s not necessarily entertaining. You don’t go into motives at all and because of that your story feels superficial.
| Ivi chapter 2 . 9/8/2008
So, the King and Queen rush to their thrown to meet with someone that they dont know...someone for as all we know could be spy's/assassins/peasants? and they see them immediately...this is a little bit ridiculous
| Ivi chapter 1 . 9/8/2008
one thing, and it is sorta a big one thing, it makes the difference between a believable culture and charictors and one that is not. The way your charictors speak/think/talk to one another. Your main charictor, speaks very properly, she even thinks using very proper english, this almost makes it seem like you are trying to hard. She is someone traveling with soldiers fighting to get from one place to another, it doesnt seem like she would have a lot of education or a very high birth, so why does she talk like this? Next Martino, who we find out at the end of the chapter is from the south, now why does he talk the same way as she does? Same problems, but if you were to say she speeks that way because it is the way people in the north speak then why does he. And lastly, the one person we come across with either some education or most likely a high birth (the General) is your only charictor that speaks like a normal person. Even by old english standers people dont talk like this. Furthermore, even when old english was spoken the only people who spoke it properly were those who were high educated or high born. Think about today, do you write like you speak?
Other than that everthing is good
| iamthedave chapter 2 . 9/30/2006
A good chapter that improves on a few of the weaknesses from chapter 1.
Your descriptions are noticeably improved, which is always a good sign, and the dialogue runs well although I really don't think there's enough of it. Surely the King should have more to say? This is a good chance for our heroes to clearly explain what they were doing (or lie about it) and the part they played in the opening. I think you should take that chance.
The thing is, at the moment you've got some decent description surrounding trivialities. Nothing of note happens here. If you expand the dialogue then that won't be true anymore.
Your problem of atmosphere recurs. There's elements, and a little more of Lacrymosa's feelings bleed in, but I think there should be a lot more of it.
| iamthedave chapter 1 . 9/30/2006
Hey there! This is pretty good, or at least there's strong groundwork, but there's lots of room for improvement. So let's get to it.
First, big stuff.
'My sword was a huge sword' doesn't work at all. An experienced warrior can become truly anal about their weapons, and she's going to know every inch of it. If it's a remarkable weapon, give it a remarkable description. It's good to let your readers do a little of the legwork (in my own writing I often overdo descriptions), but I think you're making them do too much here.
You really don't put much emotion into the work. There's a decent sense of place, but there's no real feeling behind it, as you'd expect after a battle. Many of the soldiers are going to be soaked in blood, some dying on the healing beds, there'll be grief and graves... it all leads to an ambience that should be there which is absent. Especially in a first person narrative you can't get away with that. Nor should you want to, it's a chance for character development. Maybe she's a hardened warrior. You don't need to say that, though. Just show through her reactions that she's accustomed to the sounds of men hurting on their backs and people grieving. Your readers will learn more about her, and you're closer to building a strong character. As it is she's really a bit of a blank with a funky accent.
Then, nitpicky stuff.
In the first paragraph you use 'I' and 'me' a few more times than you have to. If you lose the second 'I' in the third sentence it already reads stronger and flows better. You've got two 'and's very close to each other that make it feel a little simple, and if you just change the last words to something like: '...quickly turned around to see a man preparing to strike' you bypass that completely. Try it, see if you like it.
The second paragraph is sort of jarring. I think a little more description (not too much, it's a battle after all) would benefit, and a bit of rewriting of the 'sadness' bit. It's a tonal shift that comes too early, in my opinion. You want drama in the first three paragraphs, surely?
One of Lacrymosa's bits of dialogue is way too long. "I have accepted his request and ask of you in kindest manner if you will allow us to take passage out of your lands so we may follow our own paths that clearly do not lie within the borders of Elthenia"
Speak that out loud and see if you don't run out of breath. If you don't, congratulations, but nonetheless I'm sure you'll realise it's too flowery. Try cutting it in half.
All that said, I am going to read part two. I hope you'll have a look at my stories, I'm as much looking forward to improving as you are, and I'll see you in a bit when I review part two.
Oh, if you find any bits of my criticism unhelpful or incomprehensible feel free to e-mail me for clarification.
| MyNameIsMad chapter 2 . 9/27/2006
Again, commas! This chapter was very good. You took the time to explain the surroundings more, you characterized the king and queen, you described Lacrymosa and Martino more. Very nice! I like your story, and I hope you continue it. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
| MyNameIsMad chapter 1 . 9/27/2006
"The armor he wore was not as thick as it was the previous day but he wore the Elthen mail and bore their shield and sword that lay at his side on his belt in its hilt, even so it was clear to me that his purpose in life as was mine was not with the peoples of Elthen as kind to us as they may have been."
This sentence is a bit thick, and very much a run-on, considering it takes up this much space. It could do with a bit of chopping down, some well-placed commas, and general editing. I noticed some other parts of your story that could use some commas as well, but that's easily fixable.
I like your start. You're moving right along, but you may want to take some time to explain things a bit more, like what the surroundings, characters, and situations look like. It's good so far, and I'm definately not trying to be rude. I like it, and am anxious to see where its going!
p.s. Thanks much for the review. If you review my chapters, I'll review yours!