Reviews for Dragonflesh
LucienofShadow chapter 32 . 2/24/2008
'littleFerryl' Just a space-typo. That's the only grammar/spelling error I found this chapter.

"The large were quirky at times." Could probably be phrased better. I suppose it's alright as is, but the sentence stuck out unpleasantly for me. See if you can find a turn of phrase you prefer, but if you can't, don't worry about it.

I found otherwise the scene with Ferryl very touching. Well done.

-Lucien of the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 31 . 2/24/2008
'Karan tried to think of a single flame ice and snow,' I think you meant this to be 'a single flame, ice, and snow,' but I'm not sure. It could also have been 'a single flame of ice and snow,' depending on the image you wanted. Either way, it's not working the way it is.

The interspersed thoughts on controlling his inner flame were excellent.

"in from of the whole court. " should be 'in front of.'

"we hear the defence," should be spelled 'defense.'

-Lucien of the Review Marathon (see profile for link)
LucienofShadow chapter 30 . 2/24/2008
A note on your author's note. I'm not sure this is the place for it. It is my feeling that such discussions more properly belong in forums or PMs. I happen to agree with your assessment, given my limited information, but none the less.

Now on to the story itself.

I felt the beginning segment (fact one, fact two, fact three) was very strong given the introduction. It's introductions like that which I wish you'd include for some of the Marshal story segments earlier.

I'm also glad that you've now taken the time to explain why Hanor is so fond of the house in more detail. I'd previously stated that I didn't understand it, but now that I've been given a better grasp both of her age and her state of mind, I am satisfied. Good job with this chapter.

-Lucien of the Review Marathon (see profile for link)
LucienofShadow chapter 29 . 2/23/2008
I feel that you meant to say 'higher echelons of science' rather than 'bigger echelons.'

I love that he included the description of the results of a wolf packs' attack in his story. The irony is incredible.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon, link in profile
LucienofShadow chapter 28 . 2/23/2008
Karan decided that inflicting grievous harm could wait a little while longer, despite the nagging notion that if he was going to be frozen or Devoured, he might as well deserve it.

The problem there is that it's unclear who he was planning on inflicting grievous harm on. Also there is a sentence in the next few paragraphs which seems to be missing a few words at the end.

I liked the encounter with the crystals and the Enforcer. It rang true to me.

-Lucien of the Review Marathon, see profile for link.
LucienofShadow chapter 27 . 2/23/2008
"If the blaze had heard Dornogin, it made no reply of any sort"

One of my favorite types of humorous line.

However, before that, the Governor refers to the wyvern's as 'fruit-eating heathens.' Once again, this seems out of character for the liberal Governor. I'd recommend defining his character a tad better.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 26 . 2/23/2008
“You’ve never been at a loss for words in Fantastic Fantasy, why should you start now?"

Loved that line.

"small cantrip bigger Emberseers" The fact that it is a cantrip implies that it is small, no need for the adjective. 'bigger' didn't make much sense to me in this context either. I'd recommend removing both.

-Lucien, of the Review Marathon, check profile for link
LucienofShadow chapter 25 . 2/23/2008
“Seriously, I suspect the reason you’re giving this absolutely ludicrous answer is that you have something else to hide-whatever it is, I have no idea and frankly, don’t care any more. You’re too good for me now, aren’t you?"

This rings false for me. I'm not sure if it should, and frankly I'm not sure what could be done to fix it. Also, work on making the sarcasm clear, but not forced. "And I'm absolutely and completely sure you're not lying at all." is forced.

Quirl and Anvar's parallel reactions were a nice touch.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 24 . 2/23/2008
“I’m not afraid of what I’ve done. I haven’t spoilt my writing; I haven’t mangled the story for the sake of inserting messages. My writing is still the best I could do.

I can't tell whether that segment is supposed to be in quotes or not. Either add one to the end, or take off the one at the beginning.

Again, I enjoyed Karan's view of his own writing and its effect on people. He has an interesting conundrum to deal with, and I can honestly say I'm not sure what I'd do in his situation.

-Lucien of the Review Marathon, see my profile for the link
LucienofShadow chapter 23 . 2/23/2008
Excellent job explaining the reasons behind Calexia's strategy.

On the other hand, I feel that the section of Marshal's story should have been introduced. It felt odd, being dropped straight into the story for no apparent reason. By the end of the chapter it came together, but I believe that an introduction or explanation of some sort would be a positive addition.
LucienofShadow chapter 22 . 2/23/2008
I'm not entirely sure I understand Hanor's attachment to the single room. While I can't say it's out of character, I can't make any sense of it either.

I very much liked the conversation with the Governor. Very well written.

I also appreciate that you're avoiding making things unrealistic. The particular case I'm thinking of is 'This would be more on {note: would recommend changing this to 'along'} the lines of 'average' {mid-sized} rather than 'small.''

-Lucien from the Review Marathon, link in profile.
LucienofShadow chapter 21 . 2/23/2008
It seems out of character for the governor to lie to his business partner at the expense of a friend.

However, I like the conclusion which Anvar jumps to. It's tragic, but makes sense.

-Lucien of the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 20 . 2/23/2008
'were as different as fire and ice were.' Take out the second 'were' as it is unnecessary.

"those black whorls on her back weren’t had never been in fashion up here." Choose either 'weren't' or 'had never been' and delete the other.

"even in the even I should fail…” 'even in the event...' I love this character choice though. It seems to fit the person who would pay to have southern plants kept up north.

-Lucien of the Review Marathon (see link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 19 . 2/23/2008
Strangely enough the thing I like most in this chapter is also the thing I like least. Allow me to explain. The last paragraph details the difficulties Quirl would have in selling the Sercanethyst very well. It's all explained very well. The only problem is that I don't feel it's the way the Emberseer would have put it. The blunt, and even slightly cruel, language seems out of character for him. I would recommend changing it so that he is a little more gentle.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon (see profile for link)
LucienofShadow chapter 18 . 2/23/2008
'Karan thought as we began to wipe up the trail of ichor that led straight up to the front door.'

He, not we.

I really liked that the one time Anvar wasn't harassing her, Karan attacked him. I look forward to seeing where that leads.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon (see link in profile)
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