Reviews for Dragonflesh
LucienofShadow chapter 17 . 2/23/2008
"I must be so excited about the novel being finished I’m feeling it," needs to be revised. Perhaps something like 'It must be my excitement at finishing the novel which is causing this feeling.'

Gods, the conversation with Guirand is so sad... tragic really. Hopefully they will be reconciled. Excellent job writing that scene.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon (see link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 16 . 2/23/2008
I have to say that the end of the 'novel' felt a bit cliche'd, but that's alright considering it isn't the main story.

Also, the last sentence irks me. "I'm sure you've heard of dragons unwilling to suffer the pain of being burnt alive and voluntarily being Devoured alive before they are burnt alive by their inner fire."

How about 'the pain of being burnt alive and thus voluntarily... are burnt away by...'?

I should have guessed what was under the bed earlier. It makes so much sense now that I think about it! Great job setting that up.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon (see profile for link)
LucienofShadow chapter 15 . 2/23/2008
"That’s what’s bred this sense of futility" Should be 'That's what bred...'

I really like the way you're shaping the factory worker's plight and struggle. Hopefully it will continue to develop in this fashion.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon (see link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 14 . 2/23/2008
"Squire Tobias was waiting outside with a hard block of wood and sweet gold amongst other refreshments, and Marshal Winsdor could have followed the wind and fled from the Tunnel of Shadows, away from the maddening wind and its unceasing screeching." Should be two sentences. I'll let you choose where to divide it.

‘very good, we’ll look into it, goodbye’ made me smile.

The all caps sentence, once again, ought to be changed.

-Lucien, from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 13 . 2/23/2008
Lodver is a thoroughly intriguing character, to resist the lure of Dragonflesh. I like that quirk.

On the other hand, I wish you had included more about the wyverns' reaction. You missed a great opportunity to tell us more about them, despite the fact the little you told us gave us a very good impression. Personal preference I suppose. And my own bloody overactive curiosity. Ah well.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon (see link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 12 . 2/23/2008
“I prefer to fly around rather than be cooped up in some dreary, drafty aerie all day like you do all day.” The end of that sentence needs to be reworked. Just take out the second 'all day.'

"writing agent" why not 'literary agent?'

I'm glad to finely have a better idea of what an Emberseer is. His character is both wise and trivial, and you have blended the characteristics well.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 11 . 2/23/2008
If you're really interested in getting this published, I'd be willing to help you go over it with a fine toothed comb. Until then I'd rather just read and enjoy instead of looking at it in depth.

I'm just realizing that there is something of a dearth of description in this story. Or maybe it's just the chapter. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind it being mostly action. But maybe you could describe the surroundings a bit more? Just something to consider.

My favorite part of this chapter had to be his response to Anvar, and his paranoia.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon (see profile for link)
LucienofShadow chapter 10 . 2/23/2008
I don't quite understand why he would subjugate himself, but I suppose I can accept it.

The questions Karan was asked made quite a bit of sense, and I also liked his reaction to the dragonet asking for his paw-print.

-Lucien from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 9 . 2/23/2008
I'm not entirely sure I understand why the untitled dragon doesn't agree with his 'liberal' master, especially considering that it would benefit the untitled in general.

However, I loved Quirl's thoughts on the issue, and on her master's orders. She seems to be your most 'human' character... make that your most understandable character. I can really sympathize with her.

-Lucien, from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 8 . 2/23/2008
"Of course there's magic." I love that line.

However, it seems like you started the story in the middle, without so much as a real introduction. I'd suggest adding a paragraph or so at the begining of the story to explain what he's doing there. It makes sense, especially since he's reading to children.

-Lucien, from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 7 . 2/23/2008
I found it interesting that he dreamed of the human world. I'm not sure it makes sense, but it was interesting. I really like his sister's character though.

You might want to look at how you use 'Emberseer.' Earlier I thought they were meteorologists or soothsayers but now it seems like it's a doctor.

-Lucien, from the review marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 6 . 2/23/2008
Wait, I'm confused. The story Quirl is reading seems to take place after what was being written earlier... so she's reading the sequel to an unfinished story?

"He'd be." Seems it should be 'He'd be back.'

There are a number of places in the chapter which should be revised for clarity.

I really liked the segment from the short story though. It gave a very interesting portrayal of the character.
LucienofShadow chapter 5 . 2/23/2008
"he simply wouldn’t tell the whole truth is questioned by anything less than a Judge." That desires rephrasing. Perhaps "...as such is questioned..."

"There was no time how thinking, though." I'm not entirely sure what happened there.

I'm now curious about 'drakes, wyrms, and wyverns' in this world of yours, as well as why dragonflesh seems to have druglike properties.
LucienofShadow chapter 4 . 2/23/2008
In the first sentence you should add a space a period before the next sentence. "It’s almost sacrilegious, wrong to give something like that unrefined to my readers." Should be rephrased. Perhaps taking 'like' out.

Again, I like your portrayal of their society, as well as his family.

-Lucien, from the Review Marathon
LucienofShadow chapter 3 . 2/23/2008
I loved the explenation about the gold. It made a good deal of logical sense, though not fully explaining 'hording' tendencies.

However, one thing which begins to irk me is that I have no idea what role humans play in the 'real world,' so to speak. I hope this will be introduced soon.

-Lucien, from the review marathon
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