|Reviews for Charms|
| XxSiennaxX chapter 3 . 10/1/2008
This is a very interesting story so far.
One tip to make it easier to read because at the moment its kind of confusing and difficult to follow which characters you are referring to/ who said what
- try telling the reader who has said a sentance or phrase so we can follow the conversations even if it is 'a girl in the cue asked' or 'Xel said' or '...retorted/ replied'
Keep up the good work
| loves him chapter 1 . 7/9/2008
[...but the feel of the cold silver necklace...down from my reverie.] In comparison to how you worded the previous feeling that Xelerene was feeling, reverie doesn't seem to fit the bill. Exhilarating to reverie, reverie to exhilarating. It doesn't seem to quite fit.
[The world labelled me an orphan.] You started off the chapter on the rush that the narrator was feeling, which then smoothly flowed into a decline because of her necklace. This sentence, however, breaks from that smooth flow because suddenly, the previous subject is dropped and a new subject is introduced without any transition in between. So...you might want to transition between the feeling to the orphan part in a smoother way. In fact, do you really need to add in the orphan part THAT quickly into the story? You've mentioned it in the summary, therefore the reader should know that Xelerene is an orphan (or at least if your reader is semi-literate and pays attention) and doesn't need to be reminded of it so quickly. It would probably be best to reiterate the orphan bit a little later on in the chapter and continue with the exhilarating feeling, or describe the decline of Xelerene's thrill further so that your intro flows in a smoother fashion.
[The airplane managed a rather smooth landing and soon everyone clambered onto their feet and were soon shuffling out of the plane. Where was the fire?] In fact, why not cut out the third and fourth paragraphs and just connect the second to the fifth. Things would flow much better.
[Unconsciously, a quasi-serene smile crept onto my face.] Loved that line. quasi-serene? Nice touch. And who doesn't love facial expressions taking on human characteristics of their own? (
[“James you are not to antagonize your new little sister..."] You switched from POV to POV to POV. It would probably be best to insert breaks in between POV changes, not put the ( _ POV ) and instead, just continue to write. Breaks are enough to notify a reader that a change is about to take place in the story.
So far, I like Xelerene based off of what I've read. She seems like an interesting character. The only problem here is not so much with your characters but with your writing itself. Try to remain a little more focused on the subjects that you're writing about. Just as I had pointed out with the third and fourth paragraphs, the majority of the chapter seemed to jump from subject to subject without transitions to offset the changes. So, try staying on one subject at a time and then slowly (and hopefully smoothly) transgress into the next subject. Other than that, nice work so far. Good luck with this!
| Imalefty chapter 2 . 2/23/2008
review game! :)
i like the squirrel line. it probably relates to the rest of the chapter, but i'm not there yet... XD
"Nearly blinding me." - this is a fragment... they're often used for a certain effect, so if this was what you were going for, then ignore me. generally, though, you don't want to use fragments that much. to fix it, just merge it with the sentence before.
"ten thousand of my optic cells spontaneously combusted" - hahaha, that was a great line. XD
" which are both equally annoying" - slipped into present tense there. should be "which were both..."
also, that whole italics and not italics sequence was kind of strange... i think you may be using the wrong tenses, but i'm not sure. it just read a little weird.
"But I cannot seem to find it." - should be "...I could not seem to find them."
"Don’t you just hate it when someone barges into your room unannounced .What’s more, they actually have the audacity to touch stuff that is not theirs!" - hmm... this was a weird line. i felt it definitely didn't fit with the rest of the piece... it felt like dialogue, but it wasn't. perhaps it was inner thoughts? anyway, the way it read was kind of awkward.
"..." - i would suggest saying something like "i didn't answer" or something... the "..." is a bit informal...
"Yes, the sun’s shining down on me now." - i think these are her thoughts... maybe put it in italics?
"Math and English and History " - you need a period. typo! :)
"Choose one" - another typo
i'm definitely confused by this point, but maybe that's what you were going for. hopefully you'll clear it up for me in the next chapter. :) your main character is definitely weird... but it makes her interesting (in a good way).
generally, your writing is good. you do slip from past to present tense a lot, so just beware of that. also, some of the sections are a bit choppy feeling, mostly because you use short sentences. maybe that's what you're going for. if not, merge some sentences together to make it smoother. :)
anyway, good job so far. keep writing!
| raitei P chapter 2 . 2/18/2008
Wow, this story is getting lots of great feedback from other readers! *bursts confetti* Congwaatuewations! lol *cough cough* get back to busniness haha!
Any grammatical errors or stuff like that I've already corrected in the script you lent me, and besides all your other reviewers have done a great job at it too so I've not much to say D The principal is evil in a cute way, period. XD Poor Xelerine!
Your writing style is pretty much different too, kinda resembling mine a little in some parts haha! (thick face P) Anyway great job and keep it up! I hear bells going ding-ding-dong-dong in celebration D
| KnittingKneedle chapter 2 . 2/6/2008
Hi, from the review game!
I liked the opener only I thought this line was a little messy
'Only a dream that will soon be evanescent.'
I think that the tensing is wrong for the part it was in, and perhaps the dream theme could have been explored a bit more in the opener, the fact that it came from nowhere took away from the impact a little.
The story was a little fragmented in parts and I don't like that funny little symbol you use instead of linebreaks- it's a little hard to you changing point of view because I got very confused? I think you should either stick to one or clarify it further.
I liked the characterisation in this,the kids seem annoying and cute. The desciptions of the people are very colourful and I found the dwarf in the chair talking about flamingoes rather funny and surreal...
I have no idea where you are taking this, but it seems very different to what I've read before...good job! Keep writing!
| Equilibrium chapter 2 . 2/6/2008
The plot is very interesting, so far, and your characters are well done. I particularly like the principal. Overall, the writing flows quite smoothly, but I would recommend putting page-breaks between different points of view rather than just extra spaces. Also, your punctuation and sentence structure could use improvement. I notice you often use the ';' unnecessarily. Other than that, though, good job!
| Imalefty chapter 1 . 12/12/2007
review game! :)
typo: "glasses slipped of the bridge..."
you switch from past to present tense a few times in this chapter... it's a bit confusing (for me, at least), so i would suggest you try to avoid it... for example: "she should be in the guinness..." could be "she should have been..." and "the word 'chivalry' must be..." could be "the word 'chivalry must have been..."
"Soon, only two souls remained there. The woman in a long flowing dress, strode towards the awkward teen..." - this is a bit confusing... is the awkward teen xelerine? she was just telling the story in first person and it suddenly switched to third...
"my eyes rolled on its..." - because she has two eyes, it should be "my eyes rolled on their..."
the plot is moving along smoothly... you've established the situation and the characters. although the plot is a bit cliched, i'm sure that you'll find some ways to spice it up. :)
in your descriptions, you use a lot of "was" and "were" - try to use more "active" verbs if you know what i mean... (for example: "i was ushered... and was speeding..." could be "(person) ushered me into... and we sped..."
anyway, good job so far! i'll be waiting to see where you take this. keep writing!
| Otaku42 chapter 1 . 12/2/2007
Need to say this right off the bat: Awesome opening line (although you need to fix 'took [off] into the blue...'). Really liking the language of your writing- 'feet [camouflaging] as hands'- odd imagery that perfectly conveys the idea.
...There's one sentence I'm a bit confused on. It seems you suddenly switch to a omniscient third-person view, where you say, '...strode toward the awkward teenager...'- I'm pretty sure that's the main character, anyway.
...Xelerine? I think that's one of the ingredients in my toothpaste. :P In all seriousness, I like the name- it's very unique, to say the least.
...Kate sounds like an interesting character. Very rich, too. One thing you might want to do is add more detail to your story- right now I don't have the faintest clue who anybody besides Xelerine looks like, and even I only know that she wears (or wore) glasses. Just little things like hairstyles and more details on the clothing (I did notice the bit about Kate's flowing dress) would help wonders.
...'and [had] an impatient look on his face'...
...'Butler schools'. That line made me giggle for some reason. I'm already seeing more detailed descriptions in the piece- it's like you can read my mind before I even know what I'm thinking... 0_0
...so she's been to Russia AND Japan? Very interesting- she must be a very cultured girl. Can only imagine what her brother must be like...
...telepathic butlers! Another little clever bit of writing I liked. So characters have inherited your traits as well... _
...The note regarding the transition back to Xelerine's POV was useful, although it would be nice to have one for James as well, for consistency's sake.
...'I [often?] lose my way in my past wardrobes.' So a lot of her previous families have been rich as well. Curious...
...Noticed that you write '180-degree angle' in a couple of different ways. Again, for consistency's sake, you might want to only write it one way. Liked the image of Xelerine trapped in the closet like a caged animal.
..'heads rolling without the need to slice it.' _
...'couldn't understand...English...' So our heroine is Japanese? Or at least stayed at a Japanese household before she came here. The father went to go see the President of Japan (I may be wrong, but I thought it was a Prime Minister) before coming home. Coincidence? I think not...
...'Thankfully, sleep did not evade my grasp...' Nicely done ending to the first chapter. You have me intrigued. Keep going!
| Kathrynzala chapter 1 . 11/25/2007
This is a wonderful story!
The dialog was very funny! The family of rich , laughing weirdos... :D I like that the mother babbles and is very weird. Most people would be lured to make Mary Sues.
And I like the main character, too! Xeneline is a creative name. You gave each person a diffeent personality except the father, and I would probably say it rushed if you tried to fit in yet another description in the chapter!
One thing I found a little strange was James. In his first appearance he was rude and silent, but the next one he suddenly became joking and friendly upon seeing Xeneline hunched in a corner, pulling on her hair. I mean, I think he could transtition into it quickly, but not on the drop of a hat. And I like that Xeneline doesn't like James right away. Cuz that would be, like, not cool. D:
Also, this is probably more my fault than yours, but I had to make the assumption James was the son of Luna and the dad because it was never right-out said. Luna just kind of directed her to James, who was someone who was to help her, but it was never clearly distinguished.
Also, with word choice, you really pulled me in. Although one or two words like 'exhilirating' were repeated a few times, the rest were great! In situations like that, a thesaurus is your best friend! None accesible? Not a problem! Just grab a computer and visit thesaurus. com! And your writing wasn't chopped up into itsy, strange fragments. It wasn't drawled out in a boring manner, either. Although, in the middle, I found it could be picked up a teense faster.
Your spelling was right-on perfect. You misplaced two or three commas, but every word was on the dot correct in manners of spelling.
"Contrary to popular beliefs, the room covered fully from ceiling to floor in blue did not make me feel, well, blue." If you meant this in modern times, I have never heard of that. Popular beliefs being blue rooms make you feel blue?
I enjoyed this chapter a lot. The first sentance really made me keep reading to know what, why, who, when, where, how. And you answered each in your own original way!
The plot of the orphan dulled me a bit because it is cliched, but I found this extraordinary! Nine years? Woah! Might that be because she normally does the opposite as she's told? _ And the house was described in depth. I loved it!
Dang it, that was long. \:
| A Perfect Sonnet chapter 1 . 11/13/2007
-The first two paragraphs were a bit flowery for the story. I was really confused for a while and didn't understand until later that she was in an airplane. They were well written and beautiful to read, but the poetic description just felt really out of place for this story.
-I love the phrasing of "house hopping." That's a really interesting spin on the idea of being shuffled from home to home.
-"I am finally in the city where I was born." It would maybe be helpful to specify which city that means? The "finally" implies importance, so it would make sense to let us know.
-It might have been nice to hear more about her brother. If he's her only family I would think he'd be important to her and she would have said more about him.
-"with feet camouflaging as hands" This was a fantastic metaphor. I love love loved it.
-Her glasses broke and she doesn't freak out at all? I have glasses and them getting broken/lost is almost paralyzing for me. Without them I can hardly see. Maybe they're very low prescription? You should clarify that somehow. It's a small thing but is important to the believability of the character.
-"The wait for the remaining luggage was a swift as a swallow." That "a" should be "as."
-"I was going to be adopted into so, searching for them shouldn’t" should be "into, so" instead.
-"strode towards the awkward teen that was standing beside a fountain." You're writing in first person so it's really confusing that she doesn't say "me" there. I thought there was another teenager (not your main character) that this woman was walking towards.
-Xelerine is a strange name. I'm not criticizing you for using a strange name, I do it all the time, I'm just thinking it might be nice to know more about it. Why was she given this name? Does it say something about her family or heritage? I think she's Japanese, but I'm not sure.
-"He’s the most cutest" should just be "He’s the cutest"
-Lana says that Mr. Sheffield is in Japan and Mrs. Sheffield is in Alaska, but then they're both magically there for dinner?
-A lot of the story reads awkwardly. You have some good scenic description, but I think you should spend some more time with Xelerine's inner monologue. You're writing in first person, so you have the advantage of being able to let us know exactly what she's thinking at all times. She's off to meet this new family and all of that dramatic whatnot happening in her life and yet, she says almost nothing of her opinions and feelings on it all.
I think if you fleshed her mind out a little, it would substantially elevate the quality of this story. You're an good writer, it's what you're not writing that the story needs.
| diesoz chapter 1 . 11/7/2007
This is a good into into the story. I really like it. Although I would defnitely invest in someone to read through your chapters before you post. There are quite a few typos and you change tense a lot mid-sentence.
This sentence is very awkward. Surely there must be an easier way of saying she talks really fast. "She should be in the Guinness World Record because she obviously is used to speaking long sentences at the speed of 12 words per second with just a single breath."
And I'm not sure if "consistency" is the word you mean here b/c ti doesn't make any sense to me. "...it calmed me down to see consistency."
I like your style and hope to see more from you!
| someone you know P chapter 1 . 11/7/2007
Well obviously you should know who I am, otherwise shame on you! XD Okay, this is a real big change from your first chapter, and it creates a really good impression for a first chappie ) (not saying that the earlier first chapter didn't, just that now it's much better D) But anyway, since this IS where people always bring language mistakes more into attention, so I'll try my best to do the same, wahahah
"the cold sliver necklace on my chest quickly brought be down from my reverie" - Brought me down rite? )
"The world labeled me an orphan." - labelled (double l) for British English if you want to be more concise, lol. Same goes for 'acclimatize' 'acclimatise'.
"How they died do not really matter" - does not, since it's talking about how, not they.
"I was going to be adopted into so, searching for them shouldn’t be any problem." - urm can cancel the comma there right? I mean it's okay to leave it but in case you wanna edit the whole story again when you finish one day so yeah ) oh and Madam Sheffield doesn't need a fullstop too I think.
"The woman, that looked like she was in her twenties," - A woman is probably better, since you haven't actually introduced the woman yet, whereas 'the awkward teen' is accurately correct since you've already introduced her (durr what am I saying? XD)
"He’s the most cutest!" - err...unless it's a purposely done mistake, it's wrong right? XD
"feel free to ask me I you’ve got any questions" - typo error for 'if' P
"While I as day-dreaming" - typo too.
"Are there any butler school ?" - schools, plural )
"decorated in different hues of blue raging from" - ranging.
"Adding to his list of perfection, it seems that the butler is also telepathic." - was also telepathic, past tense )
"I still need to get used to this room" - still needed, again past tense.
"contains all of my daily necessity" - necessities, plural since you said 'all'.
"True to my taciturnal ways" - Taciturnal doesn't exist I believe, according to Word Web too P I think just taciturn is fine. )
"He mockingly bowed with flourish befitting a prince." - with a flourish.
"before he make me freefall down the glass stairs" - made me freefall XD (I like the word freefall by the way, reminds me of Chrono Cross - it's a very, VERY nice game! XD)
Anyway of course most of them are minor mistakes, just in case you want me to be nit-picky and really go into detail so that any future editing will be much easier ) The main thing is to avoid typos (you must have typed too fast XD) and watch out for the tenses. And any thoughts that Xelerine has maybe it'd be better to put them in Italics so that readers won't get mixed up a bit with present and past tense )
But otherwise, don't mind me, haha! It's really great! D You changed your writing style a lot (and I think I'm seeing a bit of resemblance to mine, wahahaha I feel so honoured XD) and thanks for all the new words that I learnt today - I might copy and paste into my next chapter, then you'll know who contributed to those words P Vocab is wide, and just how you write seems much better, and I can see lots of effort put into the first chapter D Keep the good job up, and I think readers will like the story tremendously! )
And UPDATE or else I won't update either! XDD
(P.S Well so so obviously you know who I am already, lol) XD If you reply, reply to 059 ya P
| The Ferrett chapter 2 . 10/3/2007
I have to say sorry for what I'm about to say, but the mental voice in this is annoying. I've enjoyed mental voices before but this one doesn't seem to grab me. Continue, but... something needs a fix, and it's annoying me that I can't tell you what.
| The Ferrett chapter 1 . 10/3/2007
"I’ll be back where it all started." confusing much.
Very sad about the parents but a tad detached in the way she says it.
The rest seems curious but raw. As you said, it needs more editing cycles.
| Shelly McCoy chapter 1 . 9/30/2007
All right, let me just say that you tell too much and maye you could switch to third person. That way it will be easier for you to say "I was wearing this."
All throughout the piece you said, "I was doing this. I was doing that. Oh yeah, I was doing that." I'm not meaning to be harsh, however it is true, especially in the very beginning.
If you don't want to switch who's telling it, try saying something like this: "I looked down at my shoes and saw the worn brown smudges on their black exterior."