I'd love to see you punctuate this piece just to help the reader discern a flow within the poem.

You've also used a lot of simplistic verbs and nouns that when combine can be seen as cliche. If you wanted to put your point across in a personal way, it's best to avoid cliches. Look up a thesaurus, think about your point and what you are trying to say.

The capital letters at the beginning of each line are irritating to read as you have short lines and it looks slightly amateurish.

With work your idea could really come to life in this piece.

.:midnight:.