-Noise, sounds, what should have been recognized as words sounded scrambled a cacophony of noise. My mouth opened to cry, but no sound-

Try to avoid repeating words so much. You use 'noise' twice and 'sound' three times in less than two sentences. That just makes it seem like you can't think of other descriptions.

-Slowly feeling came back, like blood suddenly deciding it could flow again, and a thousand knifes pierced my flesh as my body came back to life. But everything blurred with the pain, consciousness wasn’t achieved, only awareness.-

If the character isn't conscious, how are they observing the experiences you're mentioning? These aren't dream-experiences, they're very distinctly based on the characters senses. So yeah, I'd say to revise that. The first description's odd, too. What does 'blood suddenly deciding it could flow again' feel like? 'like' comparisons are meant to clear things up or add poetry to an otherwise dry description and/or give impressions on the character's mindset. But they don't work if what you're describing is unimaginable. If your blood stops flowing, you die, so there aren't many people who could make sense of that, I don't think.

-I remember nothing.-

The grammar in this paragraph is very confusing. I recognise that the situation is as well, but its best to stick to good grammar so the writing itself isn't confusing, because then its just hard to follow. You use too many commas, basically. Try some dashes and semi-colons, and a couple of more full stops. Any time a thought-string or description is complete, full stop, don't comma onto something else. Dashes I'm not that good with myself, you'd be best to read up on them independently.

-He smiled, white teeth flashed in a sinister taking of joy, enjoying my inability to answer-

Again, double 'joy'. The use of 'sinister' here is suspect, as well. Its difficult to act in a sinister way, sinister is an atmospheric descriptive, it rarely works with actions.

-Pain shooting from my ankle up to my head, which swam with a new overwhelming pain. My hands reached out for the leg, in an attempt to discover the new form of pain.-

You know what went wrong here. Your style is too stop-starty. Ironically, you don't give enough of an impression of action. Despite the fact you're just describing what the character feels, the atmosphere doesn't develop because the text is really hard to follow. If you want a properly disjointed feeling, you need a sense of activity as well, and you should probably stick to short sentences. The long, rambling ones don't work so well in my opinion.

-I asked pulling my long pants away from his place on my leg. Finding bandaging covering a section of my leg about the size of three of my fingers, midway between the bottom of my foot and my knee, on the outside of my calf, beginning to oozes brownish red blood-

Way too specific. This guy's seemingly out of his head, how's he going to make such a crystal clear judgement on where the bandage is? You also lose tense with 'oozes'.

-Calin sharp hand gesture silence me, finger to lips in a universal sign for silence.-

Did it again.

-A boot or a hoof? Leaves rustle and a branch bends toward us, into the clearing.-

That makes no sense. Horses are not quiet. He'd know from far more obvious noises if it was a hoof breaking the twig. Besides, how could he tell? Twigs breaking is twigs breaking, really.

-My stomach burned my eyes opened to a blue sky seen between branches and browning leaves. I could hear them whisper as they brushed against each other in a breeze, disrupted by the sound of my stomach grumbling.-

The first part of this chapter is bewildering, but this is crystal clear. I think you should muddy things up a little, in some way have the 'next day' condition reflect the condition from earlier. It seems disjointed, otherwise.

-I asked the blank numbness of my mind beginning to over whelm me again. I felt like I was swimming in a sea of things I had forgotten, things I should know, and every time I attempted to grasp them they slipped like fish through my fingers.-

You describe this but don't SHOW it to us. She's been clear and shown no signs of disorientation through the past few paragraphs. What she SHOULD be right now, is angry. These people are withholding information from her for no good reason. I can accept being brushed off if there's doubt, but in this case Calin is outright refusing to help her and not explaining why. I wouldn't stop hassling him until I had an answer, in her situation. If there's a character-based reason for why she isn't, you should make it clearer. I know there's a sort-of explanation a bit further on, but it comes too late. It feels forced.

Overall, aside from word repetition issues, a few style quibbles and some occasional misspellings, this is pretty good. It's an original start, certainly. You've definitely got imagination and enthusiasm, which is a step above the far-too common Eragon wannabees and suchlike. Hope this is helpful.

Wow! You are using first person perspective! I have a lot of trouble with it, but you seem to be doing fairly well. I've noticed some small punctuation mistakes, but since the other reviewers have already mentioned this in detail, I'll just skip that minor flaw. Everything else is quite good! I like your simple style. It makes the story an easy-read, which to me is more enjoyable.

If you have time, check out my story "Beyond the Horizon". I'm new to fictionpress, so I hope to get some feedback on how I'm doing.

Thanks for the wonderful read! I'll be waiting for more.

totally cool. I like it. I can't help you much with grammar or anything thought. Sorry

One thing I'm not sure about, what is the manner of the bite? Better job of punctuation in this chapter. Spellcheck?

Shadowhound

The main problem I see is faulty punctuation. You have very clear ideas and phrases, but comma splices and misplaced period and commas is screwing it up.

"But if you are immune you are immune to all their poisons, all their controlling devices."

That seems awefully convenient. I'm not even sure that is the way immunization to poison works. The chicken pox, yes. Poison? No. If you get bit by a deadly insect and survive you can still die if you are bit at a later point. You might have a higher immunity than before, but you aren't completely immune from it. Being free of the 'controlling devices' that have yet to be reveiled seems to be nothing more than a plot device to make the unnamed heroine into a special cast of people.

Her name is a bit too humanized for 'lane.' This is more personal opinion than anything else. Personally I think her name should just be Lane instead of adding in the i, but I have no say in how you name your characters. I am curious as to what time period this takes place in. If in a fantasy world, what level of technology do the people here possess. You mentioned taking Laine to get to Freetown and not a hospital, suggesting they're not very advanced, but the 'controlling devices' could symbolize a higher level of technology or magic. (See Clarke's Third Law)

And again, I emphasize the necessity for correct punctuation. I'm don't normally point out grammatical errors unless it is taking away from the story, which it is doing in this case.

Shadowhound

I'm feeling fairly reticent at the moment so this will be quite short. Basically, I enjoyed reading this and it's one of the more original stories I've seen on this site, which maybe isn't saying much, but this first chapter is definately interesting.

There's not really anything much to criticise. I noticed a couple of grammar things, but nothing important.

Yeah, I can't really think of anything else to say...the words are all dried up. So, anyway, it's a good start. I'll review the next chapter some time soon.

Hey Pix!

I came to see if you'd put anymore of Rebirth on the internet. Have you written anymore on you computer? I can't wait to read it, if you have.

As for the name (BBQ), I got named that by Jill after a string of other names I'd been named. It went from BQ to Bucky to Fred to George to Bob I believe that was the order. Or, the last three someone attempted to name me, lol. When are you coming to camp next? Can't wait to see you!

Cayla

::ohs & ahhs ::

I love this ,honestly I do . The whole mystery around being "bitten " intrigues *sp* me ! Oh so nce they are bitten they loose their memories , very kewl . I like that .

Wow so once they cross the fence bodies galore . Very kewl , and I loved the details used to describe that bit .

Oh I found one spelling error , that you just probably skipped over “What is the other piece fore?" fore should be for , but of course you know that . Don't worry to much about the spelling , the context is what matters . ANd you know what ? Your story is awsume ! I love the feel of it ,the mood .

Please update soon , I would love to read more !

Thank you for reviewing my story .

Write on .

Confuzzld Me

Hey this is pretty good, I like the amount of dialogue and action, it balances out pretty well, and having a nice long first chapter helps things.

Please Read and Review my story Chasing Princes!

Kayla Christine