|Reviews for Three Ravens|
| Shoushin Jiyuu chapter 5 . 11/25/2006
What? You discontinued it? Danm it! Oh well. I'll get over it. the first 4 chapters were really good though. I really enjoyed reading it while it lasted though! I'll have to check out your other stories!
| Shoushin Jiyuu chapter 4 . 11/22/2006
I love it! But that's not news to you. Will Holt come back into the story? Even though we don't know much about him, I kinda like him. Well, I can't wait to see what happens next! Still loving the ravens!
| Shoushin Jiyuu chapter 3 . 11/22/2006
I'm still loveing it! I love the three ravens! Coolness! So the nomads tell on her. Poor Zorana. Well, great work! I really like it! I would make this review longer but I have nothing more to say except that you're a wonderful writer and keep up the good work!
| Shoushin Jiyuu chapter 2 . 11/22/2006
Love it! Everyone else that had reviewed had gave you advice, but I was so into the story that I didn't catch any mistakes, not that I'm saying ther were any mistakes! Well, another great chapter! I want to know more about the gods. They sound pretty interesting. I hope you're able to finish this story in time and even if you don't, I hope you continue it anyway!
| Shoushin Jiyuu chapter 1 . 11/22/2006
Yes! Another great story from 'Shadows in the Fire'! I loved it! You are indeed a gifted writer! I really liked in the begining where it said "...the sun’s radiance and the moon’s romance." It sounds really cool! I love the story idea! It's great!
Well, I'm off to the mext chapter!
| Tech-and-Magic chapter 3 . 11/13/2006
lol I loved the nomads depiction of Zorana's escape
The nomad shrugged. “She was headed down the road, all smiles and cheer. I wouldn’t be surprised if she stopped in a field of wildflowers for a snack.”
| Kaggr chapter 4 . 11/11/2006
I'm going to start putting corrections first, since I do those while reading, then comment at the end...
"...home was the tiny swamp-town of Dead End only a two-day ride east." I would put: '...home was the tiny swamp-town of Dead End, which only took two days to get to.' Just makes a bit more sense. You don't have to get really technical with the directions.
"Unlike the Whale Isles where we rage in a war, Kaed is allied with Raywing." This sentence is a bit awkward for two reasons. One is that the wording of the first part about the war is confusing, and the second is that, unless I'm losing my mind-which is possible, I've lost it before-you mentione Kaed kind of out of the blue...
"Bram said inside my head suddenly." I'd put suddenly before "inside my head".
"Before anyone could protest Scast alighted..." Comma after protest. I've a suggestion for you. It sounds silly, but read your things out loud and put commas where you naturally pause.
"An instant later he returned." Figure out where the comma goes!
"A voice from behind me. “How did she know?”" Uhh...I'm not sure how to correct this one because I don't know how it's supposed to go.
"...stared at me then ducked back into the bushes." Comma.
"...close the gap between them and I." That should be "between me and them." One person told me that a great way to figure that out was to take out the other part and see if it makes sense. Close the gap between I?
"...a second to late." 'To' should be 'too'. And also, as a side note, instead of the ... thing, you should put a dash. To make it more abrupt sounding. (Forget what the dots are called...)
"To my satisfaction I could hear their yelps." Find the comma that's supposed to be there...
"Bram reminded me pointedly looking at the boy." Another comma's supposed to be there.
"“Yes, stop.” I told him sternly. On cue the birds dropped to the ground." Okay, so there's supposed to be two commas here. One is where the period is after stop when Zorana is talking, and the other I'll leave you to find. -ninja-
"“You are the Lady Zorana.” He stated slowly." Again, a comma instead of a period after he's spoken, and the h in he after that is supposed to be a lowercase.
"“Get lost.” I told Holt." Again, comma instead of a period.
"Then, he turned and slid away, into the shadows, disappearing with..." While some places you missed commas, I'd take the one out before "into" to make it flow better.
I have a feeling we'll be meeting Holt again! Hehe, I already like him. And as for all my corrections, I hope I'm not being too mean and strict on them...Please tell me if I am! I don't mean to be mean, honestly! I just...am sometimes...heh...Anyway, good chapter!
| Kaggr chapter 3 . 11/8/2006
Very interesting! And sorry I didn't review this earlier: I'm in Mexico right now, so it took me a while to figure out how to work the stupid computer because everything's in Spanish...So! Corrections!
"...cover for my flight from Castle Gyd but the fears of my mind were starting..." Comma before but. ;)
"I sighed. Urging Sender on only to fail, I wished he would move. " That's just a bit awkward...I would put: I sighed, trying to urge Sender on, but failed. I really wished he would move... (Another thought: Wasn't Sender a mare?)
"Maybe if I was away from this place the ghosts of my mind would depart." I would put a comma after place here.
"The two behind him were silent but constantly rearranging their wings and the rustle of feathers made me uneasy." This is fine as is, but you could also put a comma before but if you wanted to.
"...of coarse, the high-and-mighty, eh?”" Supposed to be course, not coarse. :)
"I played with Sender’s hair while I answered. “I am not sure yet. Away.”" Horsies have manes, nut hair...and the period after answered should be a comma.
Watch out on the dialouge again. After they're done talking, if you're describing how they're talking, you put a comma. I know that sounds weird, but I don't know how else to word it, really...
Good chapter, by the way. Looking forward to more!
| Tech-and-Magic chapter 2 . 11/4/2006
I love the little quoat at the start.
Zorana sure dose have a temper definitly suits her hair coloring
She also left herself a pretty easy trail to be followed so im going to take a guess and say the chase is on?
| Kaggr chapter 2 . 11/2/2006
Woo! A 2nd chapter!
Suggestions for this chapter:
"...making sure the light of the lantern bounced off it. “That’s to bad.”" I think where you put 'to' is supposed to be 'too'. Not sure why, but I think that's what it's supposed to be...
"A sigh. “I won’t tell.” Mayda muttered and turned, leaving my room." Comma after tell instead of period. ;)
"Sender and I kept up a good pace. We made our way through town quickly and I was thankful not many people were out. My light-strawberry hair would give me away to the blind!
“Hey, beautiful…”" I'm finding this a bit awkward, if by a "good pace" you mean a fast but managable pace, but then someone talks to her...?
"A few leaves clung to be as I sat up,..." I think that's just a typo. The leaves clung to BE? :)
"...where I had tethered him the night before but not wandered far." I thought Sender was a girl horse? (Mare, to use zeh proper term.) And a comma before but.
"...licked my fingers like a cat, afterwards." No comma after cat, in my opinion.
"I started riding, just after that." Probably don't need a comma there, either.
"“Aren’t you the Lady Zorana?” He asked." He shouldn't be capitalized there...
That's what I've found this time. And thanks about my poem! - I'm actually rather happy the way it turned out; most of the time I'm not that good at poetry. And I'm actually reading 1984 right now for school...weird book, obviously written by a twisted mind. -nod- I shall wait for the third chapter!
| Tech-and-Magic chapter 1 . 11/1/2006
I loved the opening and the description of the hills and the birds, and you conveyed the main characters longing very well. I also want to add that so far this is the first story on here that has captured my attention within a few lines.
| Sindra chapter 1 . 11/1/2006
That was great! I love how you thought of your ideas! I love the whole "crow" thing and how they came to being. It is soo well thought out! I do wish that there was a tad bit more description though. I was a little unclear on the girl's emotions and surroundings. Other than that, it was great! Dont give up on finishing it. Even if you miss the deadline, no story should go unfinished.
| Kaggr chapter 1 . 11/1/2006
-was drawn by the word raven- Funny how things can do that...
Since everyone loves advice, here's mine!
"Banned in foreign lands, the bird’s feather grew dark and their eyes, sad." I would put no comma after eyes...Just if I read it aloud, I don't want to pause there.
"Maybe, just maybe if people listened—no, not just listened, heard..." I'd switched heard and listened, because you can hear something but not actually listen, but if you listen...yeah, it was all sorted in my mind, and then I went and got myself confused. .
"The rocks are mentioned in all sorts of legends, spoken of solemnly and mysteriously." I would find a different way to word the end...I had to read it a couple times to get it. Such as maybe putting with instead of of?
"“Fly!” I crooned, swaying on the edge of the cliffs. “Fly!”" Just looking at this for fun, because it reminds me of something I would do.
"Still we watched until finally Mayda rose from where she had been sitting, cross-legged beside me." I think you could take out the part after the comma, or take out the comma. Again, if I say it out loud, I don't pause there...
"I felt a bubble swell in me as I thought of the Returning—It was..." I'm not sure about this, but I think it after the - thing shouldn't be capitalized. Again, I'm not sure.
"“I won’t marry you.” I told him." Alright, this I'm SURE of now! Instead of a period after you, it's supposed to be a comma. I can't really explain the rule, but it's like that with most of them.
"“It’s alright.” Was the response, sickening me. “I love a good challenge.”" The same is true for the above.
I like it so far! I really do, despite all the things I've said...By they way, they're all suggestions... You have the right to completely ignore me...But lovely story either way! Can't wait for more!