Reviews for Desideratum
Fwe chapter 20 . 1/2/2007
Well, finished about a week or so ago, so I thought I might as well tell you what I think. :) Lovely story. Probably not the right word to describe something like this, but that's what I think about it anyway. The language was lovely, the imagery, the characters, the plot. Wonderful! It inspired me, it really did. I kept looking back at parts and saying to myself, 'How does she do that?' Maybe that's weird, but it's true. :) Deione was my fave, then Vasilli, strangely. I felt bad for him (well, both of them, actually...) Everyone was so well characterized. Great job!

You've got some complicated stuff going on in your plot, and I really loved the depth. Without ranting or beating a dead horse and all of that, I'll just say that I love your writing style to pieces. I wish that this was a published book, actually. I didn't want it to end and I suppose that it hasn't, with your comic. :) That's a very good sign of the worth of something, I suppose, when someone doesn't want it to end. Well, dead horse, again. I won't beat it any longer. ;) I have a feeling that this is becoming strangely stalkerish.

Long note short: Fantastic piece! I'm blown away. Totally worth the read. ;)

*is blown away*

stoplightgodess chapter 16 . 12/15/2006
Why did you have to do that to Deione? he was my fave and he was so sweet!
Fwe chapter 8 . 12/13/2006
Hello. :) I thought that I would just tell you that I am reading this and it's terribly wonderful, so far. I keep looking at it and going... 'I could never write like that'. It's kind of distracting when I'm trying to write my own novel. ;) It's an interesting world you've set up and I love the way you pulled it off. Not too much info at once and you pull it off smoothly and have fantastic reasons for introducing it. I'm probably rambling and don't make enough sense, but I can assure you that it's a good thing that I'm trying to say and I suppose the easiest way to say it otherwise is: *gapes in wonder and tries to scrounge for time to read the rest*
Ofir chapter 2 . 11/22/2006

First and foremost, this is excellent written. It flowed in and out with the thoughts of the narrator. I felt what she felt. You put the paragraphs together nicely and plotted your world. I loved it, and you have me as a fan. I will definitely continue reading this.

However, the second to last paragraph got to me. You had explained just before how humans were gangly, pathetic, nothing in comparison to the other powers. In fact, they have no powers. They are not even sure of themselves. However, why will they be a force to be reckoned with? If you waited a few sentences to tell us why, then that is all to the good. But for now, I do not understand. I don't know what these humans are, or so you should have me think. I know they have things that are unique to them, such as thoughts, the ability to reason, inexplicable passion and, of course, opposable thumbs. But so what? I don't particularly care if they are growing slowly. I wanted to know why. If you said "they could create things, manipulate nature to their whim," that would have been answer enough. You simply tell us that they embody the soul of the earth...what does that mean?

Enough of my criticism. This is extremely good, I love it. Very interesting, but I hope there will be characters in the next chapter.
Makone chapter 9 . 11/16/2006

I've thoroughly enjoyed reading this. the concept is fairly original, and the (mostly) dragon pov makes it more so. character interaction is good, and there is a refreshing lack of any mary-sue-isms or the like. the dragons' society seems nicely distanced from the humans', and the slightly bleak realism in all characters is interesting set against the fantasy elements. the deranged Vasili was particularly engaging, the conflict between pride and desperation.

the story might benefit from some research on geographical systems - how deserts are formed, erosion, the water cycle etc - since your magic system depends on stuff like that. it'd make the fantasy element a bit more plausible. spontaneous creation of water and whatever is all well and good, but where does that water come from, and if your water source is magical and caused by a dragon, say, sticking oxygen and hydrogen atoms together arbitrarly then the land needs that dragon to be doing that a lot, whereas changing structures of porous rocks in mountains could make a lot more positive change in the desert suprastructure than rain that'll just evaporate rapidly. or you could have something like a conflict between the land depending on the dragons creating water and the land becoming self-sustainable through intellegent manipulation of weather systems. or not, because this isn't my story in any way.

but IMHO a slightly more complex look into the mechanics of these micro-climates that would add depth to your idea of dragons as parts of the land/stewards of it.

in other respects, this fic is outstanding. spelling, grammar, vocab etc are all pretty much flawless.

and i'm interested to read more, so well done!


what does mean? i'd guess to desire, which makes the title mean (having-been-)desired neuter thing. interesting, i guess.
1234321 chapter 4 . 11/5/2006
Wow, that was a fast update! :) Anyway, again I will say I like this story. The only thing that kind of bothered me was, why are they on a desert island? A desert on a island... ? It's fanstasy though so I guess it's alright. _

Lccorp2 chapter 4 . 11/5/2006


*Tries to find a spot to garrotte this story with*

*Fails mostly*

But...a desert island? That doesn't make sense, especially if it's the kind with cacti, tumbleweeds and the like. Research some methods with which real deserts form, from being in the rainshadow of mountains, soil erosion, being far inland, or the such. If it's just a glorified sandbar/coral island, there shouldn't be cacti around. Rain will be quite common on an island, and its barreness will have more to do with the salty, sandy soil rather than a lack of water.

Unless there's a magical reason, this really doesn't make sense.
1234321 chapter 3 . 11/3/2006
I really like this! Anyway, I think that you really explain the story well. It really welcomes the reader into the world and the story. :) This chapter felt a little long, but it really captivated me. Good job,
Lccorp2 chapter 2 . 11/3/2006


Time to get killing!

-Don’t dump descriptive passages at the very beginning. Dear god, don’t do it. This is a common problem across genres, not just fantasy. The author has a character running down some stairs to escape the bad guys. Does she plunge us into the chase, or even take us back a few paragraphs earlier and give us a glimpse of the character’s terror, so that we’ll root for him to get away?

No! Of course not! That would ruin Project Explain The Fantasy World! So we start out at the very very beginning, with the creation of the world and explaining everything about said fantasy world, from the gods and how the world was created, naming important members of said world's pantheon...

Imagine paragraph after paragraph after paragraph of this. I’ve seen it all too often in amateur fantasy stories on the Internet. Instead of starting where the story begins—with characters, with conflict, with an immediate important plot occurrence—the author takes us “back to the very beginning.”

Remember that it’s hard for anyone to care about a place without people in it to anchor the caring. You can write the most brilliant fantasy kingdom in the world, and if you don’t make your story interesting, the audience is going to yawn, put down the book, and say, “Next.”

Describe the kingdom/world/continent/whatever’s history later in the story (but not in one infodumpy chapter, please, another of the great clichés of fantasy). You’ll have time, and by then your readers will be considerably more interested in hearing it.
1234321 chapter 2 . 11/3/2006
Pretty good... I hope you update soon. It's really well writen, keep up the good work,