|Reviews for Breathing|
| The Melancholy Astronaut chapter 1 . 11/7/2006
Your ideas are there, but as a reader this poem seemed to just come up short of the ideas it was trying to express.
What I believe you're going for is disjointed, a series of thoughts as they occur to you. A stream of consciousness needs to be more disjointed so it's not just lacking flow, but you need to connect it as you would a train of thought. If you understand what I mean.
For instance, you have a good transition (but it could be improved upon if you want to) in the first two stanzas (I'm calling them stanzas for the sake of my own sanity). Happy to be breathing transitions to taking one's breath away. The next stanza doesn't seem to have a good transition that can be made. Breath taking to rough draft is a hard one.
You could interchange stanzas two and three and make it breathtaking transitioning to take my hand. Then a transition could be made from rough draft to hands (my hands [body/self] are a rough draft, heal me.)
Then you skip from healing hands to sensory things. There should be a transition from hands to eyes. You're going from healing to seeing so a logical transition would be healing sight. The narrator is blind and needs to be healed, the subject of the poem has eyes that heal, etc.
The lips transition is pretty darn okay. If you keep the trend of impaired body parts, lips that can't hold words is perfect.
I feel like the kiss and tired stanzas should be switched. Tired is still on the trend of being impaired, and kiss is on the uplift at the end. The tired stanza needs no transition because it is an assumption that all these previous ailments are being revealed as symptoms of being dead.
And then I think that's great.
I'm not a big fan of the incoherent grammar in some of the end lines in each stanza.
Some of the imagery here is brilliant. Rough draft of yourself, lips that can only hold failing words, exhilarated to be breathing again.
If this didn't make any sense to you, then feel free not to listen to a word I have said.
If you disagreed with this, then again feel free not to listen to I word I have said.
Just my two cents. I am but a lowly reviewer, hoping to give some helpful constructive criticism. If it's not helpful or constructive, then so be it. You're the writer. Good luck with your writing.
| Maggot Blood chapter 1 . 11/6/2006
Again awsome and so well made that I'm in 'awe' nice work.
| Edraith chapter 1 . 11/4/2006
Wonderful. I like the way it builds up, starting with the short lines and then developing each into longer, more elaborate ones. That from in itself mirrors the process of being brought to life. I also like the way it becomes more and more evident in the course of the poem that the person adressed is God. A touching and inspiring piece, I like it very much. Going on my favourites list.