Reviews for Black Seeds
KimonoQueen chapter 24 . 1/8/2008
Wow another dramatic and chilling arc over. I know I'm not thinking hard enough but I'm tired. Which seed did Dai's father have? Or is it Dai who had the seed? sigh Please send me a reply message lol I look forward to the next arc, and Joshua getting closer and closer to the truth!
ElevatorMusic chapter 24 . 1/4/2008
what type of seed was it exactly?
ElevatorMusic chapter 23 . 1/4/2008
I think someone needs to go and talk to jerry springer or at least Oprah
ElevatorMusic chapter 22 . 1/4/2008
that kid is really messed up
ElevatorMusic chapter 21 . 1/4/2008
Wow...I'd never thought i'd see the day when a pink umbrella could be used in a serious situation.

Good job

BOA
Melissa Norvell chapter 24 . 1/3/2008
I'm too tired to sign in... _ I only got 1 hour of sleep. But I digress. You have a wonderful chapter here full of plot twists...And very intriguing ones at that.

Finally, we found where loyalties lie.

This should get interesting now.

Oh, by the way, I updated Sacrifice. Sorry for not reviewing you sooner. I had a week without the internet but I'm updating again.
KimonoQueen chapter 23 . 12/21/2007
Wow this is twisted. And the ones I thought were good were bad, and some people just got swept up along the way. I wonder if I should said with Yosuke or his wife... this is a highly interesting arc, more than just entertainment. I think you are portraying mental instability in a young child well! Thanks for the update!
Souzou-chan chapter 23 . 12/15/2007
Another great chapter! Dai sure is creepy, but Yosuke is no better it seems and . . .we'll can't wait for more!

One question though, and it's regarding one of the flashbacks. Did you mean to write Dai was 11? Or a different age? You have it written as 1 years old, which makes no sense when you read his behavior after that.

Just thought I'd point it out! Laters!
Melissa Norvell chapter 22 . 12/9/2007
Now this was rather intriguing. Dai definitely changed in this chapter. Joshua and Coban's relationship seems like it will play a big part in the story. I also like the way that you wrote the part for Joshua's childhood story.

Things are definitely building up and I find myself waiting for the next chapter. I love this story!
KimonoQueen chapter 22 . 12/5/2007
And here I was thinking Dai was out for vengeance. He just seems PSYCHO! Little twist before a big event, eh? And I like the relationship between Joshue and Coban but it spells something sinister and/or highly important for the future. I have a bad feeling about everything that's going on! Especially Joshua's childhood story. Well, this story is progressing interestingly as usual. This chapter was a shorter than most but still quite riveting. Thanks for another update!
KurenaiYume chapter 20 . 12/5/2007
Finished the Serenade Arc! Well, this certainly was a lot of information to take into, especially with the alternate timeline regarding Heaven and the state of Hell. Definitely an exposition chapter!

Now, this is an rather interesting way you portrayed Heaven, especially with the the (omitted) of Hell, and the (omitted) of the Devil from common belief...well, common basic belief. But I am impressed, this arc alone shows the amount of research you did based on various sources with your own view on how the Devil would be depicted; it does seem to be highly based in Catholicism though. But I can definitely see disagreements from other people as to how God would have acted or even be depicted in this context, but that's not important.

But enough about the boring research stuff...

Lucifer's character is definitely shown at its truest and rawest form, in the context of this story. The way you depicted him was really well done and the his de*ian** towards God just holds so much meaning. His hate, his feelings for **t**, and the resulting c*ge really does grip the reader's emotions - and their sympathy - along with the romantic notion often seen and held by non-stereotypical writers - though, there are a lot of people who would be uncomfortable with this, but that's to be expected.

Not to mention this also confirmed another prediction I had, but won't mention since it's highly theoretical.

Along with that, and the new realization of who Hoshi is, this brings Joshua's role in the story to mind. Unfortunately, I don't have much to comment on him, except he's completely clueless as to what's going on and had to be lectured by Hoshi. But I can definitely see that he's going to hold a very, very strong role in this later on, especially with that song - Just like JS, but this is more interesting. So, I'll definitely be keeping an eye on him.

Now for constructive criticisms!

This is going to be nit-picky, but that's because your chapters are written very well, and I've run out of things to say on a general basis that hasn't already been said. So, here it is!

Now, I know in dialogue, character emotion is often the result of punctuation and sentence structure, but try and avoid adding too many question and exclamation marks since it looks wrong, and I believe it might be a literary rule; it could be preference though. Such as these (Certain words removed for spoilage):

-

“HOW DARE YOU *beep beep* THE *beep*, YOU *beep beep* OF TRASH!”

“I *beep beep*, THAT’S WHY! YOU MAKE ME *beep* YOU KNOW THAT? WHY DO YOU GET THE *beep* TO *beep* NEW *beep*, WHILE I HAVE TO *beep* UP ALL YOUR *beep*?”

“WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, *beep*?”

-

You could also try removing the caps and just bold the words, but it's up to you. I'm not sure if this is a matter of preference, or if it is in fact another rule, however. But you already have a way of doing this already according to the level of character emotion, so yeah...

Here's one: [-*beep*- *italic beep*-]

I'm not really sure about the usage of dashes in the middle of the sentence; I think they might be the character's words trailing off, but I'm not quite sure. Most people use ellipses or a hyphen to represent this, but again, preferential.

Very nitpicky point: Instead of using 'got' or any common general verb, use stronger and more meaningful verbs, depending on the situation you want to portray.

Story points: Now, you could have described a more greater variety of angels beyond the standard fare of cherubms, seraphims, and archangels. But this is debatable since people would not know what those other angels are. So in my opinion, you could change it if you want to.

You could also add a little bit more detail to the character's thoughts just to allow a little more introspection into their minds. Then again, this is preferential since you're writing it from Third Person Objective...most of the time.

Well, I think that's all of the ones I found, and I had to really look deep into it just to find them. There might be more I missed, but someone would really be hardpressed to find them.

Also, a request! About Joshua's childhood song, do you know enough Japanese just to convert it from Romanji to Hiragana/Kanji? However, if this is an important plot point that should not be known then you don't need to.

Anyways, that's the whole review! I'll start reviewing per chapter at this point since the next arc (at the time of writing) isn't finished yet. Once I hit your most recent chapter, I may or may not give an overall critique of the entire story, depending on whether it's appropriate to do so. But if you ask me to do it, well, sure!

Now, back to my hiatus/planning/intense studying...
Sozuou-chan chapter 22 . 12/5/2007
Wow . . .I wonder what's going on inside of Dai's head to induce such an insane like rage, guess I have no choice but to wait ne?

See ya next time!
KurenaiYume chapter 17 . 12/5/2007
Finished the Shackled Arc! And I have to agree, Shackled makes a lot more sense to this Arc than Slander. There were a lot of good twists this chapter, so I was a bit surprised. Anyways, here's the review!

First off, since Joshua was having such a difficult time trying to find Heaven's Florist, I didn't expect him to have a greater role in this Arc. Neither did Lucifer since the focus wasn't on him anyway. So, I'm expecting conflict and exciting things to happen between them in the later arcs!

For the Black Seed Owner (Spoilage must be stopped!), that was quite a twist and introduces a newer dimension to this whole story. Sometimes, vanity and remembrances of the (Omitted) can really change someone, and make them do things that others may never do. With that in mind, you've done it really well. Though, I did catch hints of this earlier, it didn't really occur to me that this sort of thing would happen; I did not know or expect that Black Seeds could do that.

I really liked Saiyo and Maya's character, because they appear to be foils of each other, which really brought out a greater contrast between the two and developed them so much more. Especially when Maya becomes c*er**d about Saiyo. That revealed so much more about her, so excellent job!

Note: Just to clarify for the people browsing through, a foil is a literary device used to reveal more about the character by making both of them opposites, typically on the personality basis.

I won't delve any further due to spoilage, but I really liked the set of characters you've had this time around - very realistic and very frightening.

As for the Arc overall, it left a pretty bad taste for me, but sometimes the common good doesn't always prevail in real life. There wasn't as much mystery as the last arc, but I really did like the drama here, so that's probably why I was thrown a little off later on.

For my estimates, I guessed most of it right, except for the Black Seed twist and the Owner twist. That was just done really, really well and for good reason too. So, I'm really hoping you continue with all these twists and turns later on! I'll have to work a little harder to guess at them.

As for constructive criticism, I don't really have much to say. It's more or less a suggestion thing. I'll try to find more things to pick at later.

Every time you start a new unrelated scene, you should at least give a small description of what's happening, so that the reader understands where they are in the story and what has already happened. But I'm not that strict since the setting was mentioned in italics, except for that "Five Days Later" part; I didn't realize they were in a car until it was mentioned. Well, that's really my only thing with this, so just keep it up! Until someone else, preferably someone with a degree and with massive loads of experience, tells you otherwise.

Also, in Growth 13, you might want to re-read the first part of the chapter. There were a few weird sentences, like this one: [You can go in now, stick insect. I think your surprise in ready]. I know there was more, but I can't find them anymore...

Well, I'm off to the Mini-Arc about Lucifer and Hoshi. Unfortunately, since I browsed through the reviews, it lost its luster. That's why I prefer that people don't say anything! Anything at all about the story and just omit it or avoid it entirely! Or at least talk about in a very, very general manner! -Continues ranting for an indefinite amount of time-

Anyways, feel free to...you already know the endnote I leave...So, I'll just read on to the next Arc!
KurenaiYume chapter 13 . 12/4/2007
Well, I've finally read the Sheltered Arc! After a long period of reviewing inactivity...and school work. You can't forget school work! Anyways, since I'm on a long hiatus, I'll review this story entirely in the next few days.

What I liked most about this chapter? Hmm, well, I can sum it up in three words: Characters, mystery, and the symbolism - You can't forget about the symbolism!

For characters, I really do like Joshua's character and the small bits of humor involving him and his past. He reminds me a lot of that reporter from JS, but he is different. His strong will, his sense of morality and justice, plus his thing about being called a lady - *sigh* Guys and their pride - just makes me like him that much more. Anyways, I can see that he will be the "good guy" in this, and I'm rather interested to see him deal with Lucifer in the later chapters.

Now, the symbolism in this story just astounds me; just the character names themselves just brings another dimension to their personality. I won't go into it, but I'm really impressed. I haven't read a story that is simple and easy to understand, yet very meaningful and mysterious. I haven't seen many authors on FP that do this as well as you have, so keep this up!

Note: As for those people that have no idea what I'm talking about, just make another window and research this yourself. You'll be surprised.

Now the mystery aspect! I love it, yet I absolutely hate it. Contradictory, no? Well, this is due to my already established background in the supernatural. To me, the plot behind this arc and its resolution regarding the Black Seed owner felt very "overused" and a little bland, but the way you presented this was interesting and captivating, especially with your prose. This is by no fault of yours. If I read this, being extraordinarily ignorant of the supernatural, I wouldn't say its overused, maybe even brilliant.

But I have to applaud you for that resolution regarding the father. I would not have guessed it unless I was really, really looking into it. Great job!

Now for the constructive criticisms, because a review isn't a review without them!

Your prose works really, really well in the context of this story, but maybe you could try adding a bit more detail, such as mentioning when, where, the time, or other tiny details. This would give more information to the viewer and maybe even give hints of the final resolution, but this depends on how well the reader pays attention to detail and how they interpret this. This is really important in mystery novels since both the reader and the protagonist are trying to figure it out together, but it's really up to you.

Oh, and a thorough revision through this arc will catch all those spelling and grammar mistakes.

Well, I'm off to the next arc...whenever I'll get there! Any questions/comments/miscellaneous stuffs, you know what to do.
hiro0911 chapter 21 . 11/23/2007
Wow, this is a brilliant fic. It started eerily, but as the story progressed, the characters and the succession of scenes came dynamically.

I particularly liked the word play. The choice of words are neither too complex nor too basic - just right for the reader to grasp what is happening.

The details were also presented in such a way that they are also 'animated' and not given with just plain descriptions.

Kudos!

-Hiro
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