|Reviews for Silver Blade|
| MaskedRevengerXX chapter 1 . 2/20/2012
I like this story, it's got a medieval sorta mystical fantasy feel to it. Is there another part to it?
| Hannah R chapter 1 . 12/22/2006
I like it but there are a couple grammar, spelling etc. things. Also, instead of saying that Randolph was "pretty cute" maybe find some words that aren't so modern. I don't think royalty from the "olden days" or whenever call people cute. Maybe handsome or something...
Old-ish sounding flowery language might make it the story sound more mysterious and magical (Sets the mood) wherever it is used. (if you see what I mean)
| Ashelin chapter 1 . 11/14/2006
Oh, come on, it wasn't really horrible. There were quiet a few spelling mistakes, but, I can't really blame you, I probably have many more in my stuff. It is a good start, I would really like to see this story progress. Great job and God bless.
| Lorendiac chapter 1 . 11/14/2006
You've done a good job of setting up various "nagging questions" that make me wonder what's going to happen next. A classic technique: Instead of explaining every little detail of the "fictional background" of this world to me in a big history lesson at the start, you jump into the middle of the world, showing us things from the perspective of a character who already takes it all for granted, while the reader tries to catch up. I intend to read the next chapter, when you post it, to see where you're going from here and how you start to answer some of those questions.
The list of nagging questions includes: How does Lyora know the Queen from way back when? What, exactly, happened to her brother Jacob? Is Shay ever going to be checked for magical powers? Just how difficult is it to test for them? And just how many different types of magical abilities are there in this world? Are the Blades interested in drafting people with any such ability, or just some special types? Is it possible for a person with a magical ability to legally avoid joining them under some circumstances? Contrariwise, has anyone ever managed to join the Blades without having a magical ability of his own?
(I mean, suppose a girl had a weak and extremely limited magical ability, such as the power to remove an ugly stain from an item of clothing just by staring at it. And that was all - couldn't move anything else with the power of her mind; she could only fix stained laundry! Would the Blades feel that this minor ability meant she absolutely, positively had to become a Blade herself, or would they feel it was such a tiny thing, with no potential for hurting people, that she didn't have to enlist in their training program if she didn't feel like it? I'm speculating, of course - it may be that nobody in your fantasy story has such an incredibly limited ability as that!)
And now for the Shameless Nitpicking portion of our program! There are various typographical errors that caught my eye, but I'm not going to bore you to death with a complete list. Running this through a "spellcheck" function in a word processor program might catch some of them. I'll just nitpick about a few specific examples; mostly stuff that ought to help you find and correct other places in the chapter where you made the same sort of tiny mistakes more than once.
First, a nitpick over a possible misspelling: The first time you mention the name of Shay's mother, you call her Queen Thayanne. In the next paragraph, you call her Queen Thayanna instead. I can't be sure which way you intend to spell her name, but you need to make it consistent! :)
* “It’s nice to meet you too” Lyora said in an equally bored voice. Shay stared at her. Lyora laughed and said “I think you and I are going to be great friends.”
“Sure.” said Shay awkwardly. She hadn’t expiated the woman to have a sense of humour at all. *
You need a few commas in there. When part of a sentence is "spoken dialogue" and part of it is a "tag" telling us who said that dialogue, then the two parts of the same sentence are usually separated by commas. For instance, if the spoken dialogue would "normally" end with a period, except that it's immediately followed by a phrase such as "said Shay" to tell us who's speaking, then the period is replaced by a comma to show that the "complete sentence" isn't really over yet. Same applies to several other lines in this chapter.
And I think I see one or two other little typoes here. (I don't think you meant to use the word "expiated" in this context.)
So here's the way I'd edit that passage:
“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Lyora said in an equally bored voice. Shay stared at her. Lyora laughed and said, “I think you and I are going to be great friends.”
“Sure,” said Shay awkwardly. She hadn’t expected the woman to have a sense of humour at all.
* The Blades were a group of magically people from around the kingdom. *
"Magical people." "Magically" is an adverb that would fit here if it were modifying a verb instead of the noun "people." Or you could say something along the lines of "magically gifted people."
* Lyora had (believe it or not) managed to brush Shay’s massive blonde hair to lie flat and the mud off her face. *
The way that's phrased, it sounds as if Lyora used a brush on Shay's hair, and also used that brush to remove the mud from her face - since you don't mention any other verb that would apply to that operation. I'd suggest something like this:
Lyora had (believe it or not) managed to brush Shay’s massive blonde hair to lie flat, and scrubbed all the mud off her face.
*“Shh, calm down Shayanna” Lyora whispered. *
That needs a comma at the end of the spoken part, but that's not why I quoted this, since I already made that point above. In this case, it also needs a comma right after "calm down" to distinguish between what the speaker is telling her, and her mention of to whom that dialogue is addressed. In such a case, the name of the person being addressed is set off by commas from the words addressed to her. Otherwise it could be interpreted by the reader as a command to someone else to go "calm down Shayanna."
So my edited version would be:
“Shh, calm down, Shayanna,” Lyora whispered.
P.S. Just now I went back and looked at the summary of your story. It should say "when her mother hires" instead of "highers."
Also - and this is more a matter of taste than anything else - if I were in your shoes, I'd probably delete the bit at the end of the summary about "Please read and r." (You probably meant "review", but ran out of space.) My personal attitude is that it always goes without saying that anyone who posts any creative writing here on FictionPress is hoping readers will look at it and respond to it! That's the entire mission statement of this website, isn't it? Why else would anybody bother to post stuff at all, if they didn't want it looked at? :)