Reviews for Seraphim Crusade
Layla the fiend chapter 1 . 5/15/2010
So, I read the summary and I had to comment on it.

"Kyu has no idea what's going on."
Natsuya chapter 1 . 7/8/2007
Oh, Virage you are my hero!

This story...it's simply awesome. Awesome prose, awesome action (nice media res) and interesting characters. I don't know what else to say for some reason...the fluidity of this story and the intelligent blend of imagery and terse prose made me feel excited to no ends! You really are a genius!

The set of characters you have introduced really had me intruiged; Astral: good or evil? Her intentions seem good (I am only assuming), but the way she murdered that other Angel just contradicted with my first view of her...

And Kyu. You really know how to present those sardonic, pre-midlife crisis, bored-to-death-with-life, college students, don't you? Kyu's character perfectly fits the profile of a sarcastic, weary-of-life student who then encounters the hot girl with super powers and has his life get thrown up and down.

"...Or to make sure a car wasn’t going to turn him into a stain on the road..."

That line perfectly shows your skill in manipulating the words you use to create a mirror image of your character's emotions. A skillful application of imagery to present the extent of Kyu's sarcasm. Well done. Very well done

Really, I loved reading this! What a nice beginning...I am really excited to find out what happens next.

Continue the good work (in Avence Chronicles and Stardust Paradise) and I'll become your best friend!
Agapantha chapter 9 . 4/30/2007
Hey! me again *sigh*

Just wanted to tell you that its still going good, and I'm reading avidly, as I'm sure you can guess. There were few typos and some grammatical errors from this chappy to about chappy 16. I dunno if you want to know or not but I noticed a lot more than in the other chappys so i thought maybe you might want to know. I should so be writing now or something constructive at least, but (and I'm sure I reapeat) What can I say?
Agapantha chapter 8 . 4/29/2007
Ok, I dont know how to reply to your review so I'll just post another 1. Sorry.

And yeah, I don't think I have a right to not want to be called a fan seeing as I have spent most of the afternoon reading ur stuff. Yeah I know Lame, but come on, I haven't seen a decent book at waterstones for months! and my chief editor is out atm so I can't get round to putting up any more of my stuff... [end ramble]

umm yeah... Just wanted to thank you really, any kind of review is very much a novelty at the moment, seeing as I've only got 2.

Haven't really got much more to say about "Seraphim Crusade" some typos along the way but I can't remember where they were 'cos they're not very important ones. And I also want to tell you that your story is not predicatble at all, im 8 chapters through but i have no idea how it's gonna end. thats really gd, 'cos some of hte stuff ive flicked throuh is just so predictable.

Anyway, sorry for the chatty ramble, again, anyone who writes to me on fictionpress is regarded very high in my eyes, probably only until the novelty wears off though. Im not sure.

Thanks
Agapantha chapter 1 . 4/29/2007
Brilliant - what else can I say really?

I'm a friend of kittymbile and, nosy nosy me, I had to look through her reviews. I'm new to the site and I'm still pretty much looking through the authors, I saw your pen name come up quite a few times so I thought I'd check out your site or whatever it's called. The amount of stories is quite impressive. Sorry, I should probably get back to reviewing your chapter.

One of the most important parts of a story, for me anyway, is the characterisation, if the reader can, what's the word? associate with the caracter then you're pretty much there. You've got that technique down to a tee. This is exactly the kind of story I read so I am definitely going to continue doing so. Thanks for a brilliant read

- Agapantha
Nanao Nagase chapter 25 . 3/25/2007
Ah, a happy ending. I was seriously mortified to see Kyu die in Astral's arms, because that would be the epitome of cliche, but to see him alive, happy and with the group... that was good.

And who would have thought God was a fedora, cane toting old man?

On the previous chapters...

Satan was a typical bishounen (with silver hair!), but a slick one nonetheless. As for Lilith... she can be an idol for all yuri fans. About tbe main group, I felt that the most underdeveloped character was Jing. A bit of history about the monk would have been good. Moving on... I especially liked the final fight in Heaven. Cinematic and cool.

I'm glad I read it to the end. Kudos to you for creating such a badass story, Virage.

Nanao

'May the Dark force be with you'

PS. Yashi Sensei! is on hiatus for now, but thank you for yuor support!
Nanao Nagase chapter 16 . 3/22/2007
Oh god. They're in Hell. It's an amazing contrast to what Kyu said to assure Kyu, about how it's better to jump into the portal than to die. They still ended up in a place where the dead reside anyway.

Your facts about Chinese history are really accurate, by the way. Huang Di, Kirin... you must have put a lot of research into this story. And the fight in the temple chamber was good as well, though the number of fighters kind of made the narration a bit messy.

If Kyu's the protagonist of the story, I have to say he's kind of bland, but easy to relate too at the same time. The guy deserves some credit for being the only sane one in the group.

I'll continue reading, when I have the time. Also, Mimi reminds me of a character in this manga, MAR. She and Dorothy share the same super soceress power. And they're both equally cool, too.

Nanao

'May the Dark Force be with you'
Nanao Nagase chapter 8 . 3/6/2007
Aha! I recognize that name, 'Odin'. The God of Chaos from Norse mythology, if I'm not wrong?

Great chapters, by the way. I'm really starting to enjoy this. It has a good blend of cultures and mythology (blending robocop futuristic cities and legends is difficult, but you did a great job) Those angels piqued my curiousity...

I'll continue to read this for sure! Onto the next chapters, then!

Nanao

'May the Dark force by with you'
Nanao Nagase chapter 6 . 2/17/2007
Ha... the story's getting good. The fights, the character development... everything is flowing nicely. And the Kyu and Astral chemistry is sweet as well. They make a cute couple.

“How about weapons?”

“What are you, enlisting him?” Kyu asked.

“You are a sharp Sheep.” Astral looked back cheerfully.

Burst out laughing when I read this part. Somehow, it seemed funny to me that Astral kept asking Robocop questions.

I'll definitely read more of this, as I have the time. It really captivates my attention. Thanks for your reviews on Yashi Sensei!

Nanao

'May the Dark Force be with you'
Natsuhiko chapter 25 . 1/19/2007
aw, what a sweet ending ( a little corny but mimi and yossele made it better). Good job on finishing this!
Person chapter 18 . 12/28/2006
O.O poor astral! *kills lillith* Good Job! happy writing!
Nanao Nagase chapter 2 . 12/26/2006
Gee... I can't give you that long a review unlike the other reviewers... so I hope that's okay.

Your story overwhelmed me in the first chapter, normally I'd expect some kind of prolouge, but the chapter was good. You started with a badass fight and quickly moved on, ending in a nice cliffhanger, making the reader want to continue reading the story.

The story blurs the line between serious and funny, I'm not sure which genre you're actually aiming for. Kyu's antics made the story more light hearted, but then you suddenly plunged into Astral looking solemn and serious, changing the entire atmosphere. If you were aiming for both genres, forget what I just said. I'm a poor writer, so you don't have to listen to my rant.

It was funny, when Astral started to call him a sheep- they have some sort of chemistry, I guess. She seems to be the dignified sort, a total contrast to Kyu's laidback behavior. As for Kyu's name... I'm just making a guess here... 'Kyu' is a term that is below the 'dan' rank in martial arts?

I'll continue to read this for sure!

Nanao
Ephemeral Seraphim chapter 1 . 12/4/2006
Under the great persuasion of the embodiment of godliness and overall awesome that is still2twisted, I, the infamous chibichocobo of Fictionpress fame and still2twisted's accomplice, am humbled by your amazing writing skills and your vast talent. It is quite a shame that this story doesn't have the acknowledgement that it should have; however, do not despair, since still2twisted is a man of value, and you should find solace in the fact that he thinks your stories are well-written, and as do I. The premise is very interesting, and what it entails is a good old classic story of epic proportions and of supernatural larger than life characters; just the kind of thing that I like. Of course, I'm only reviewing the first chapter, but after reading it, I have definitely become a fan of your works and I'm amazed at how people can simply skip over a piece of art. The writing style is descriptive yet fluid and concise enough so as not to overwhelm the reader, and it is drawn into a sharply delineated world that have well-chosen details that portray it wonderfully. Of course, the thing that I always look for whenever reading a story is just finding a good tale to read; unfortuntely, there is a limit to the number of GOOD stories that I can find on Fictionpress, and dayum, girl, you literally blow everyone else out of the water with that talent. Of course, time is limited on my part, hopefully, I'll be able to garner enough time so that I'll review more chapters of this and get reading, but one thing's for sure; flaunt that talent of yours and be proud. It's very limited on the abysmal face of Fictionpress, but dayum, you suddenly give me hope for Fictionpress with a story like this. Keep this up and I'm a fan for life (just to note, I sometimes cling onto good authors with an unhealthy obsession, so do excuse me). Sorry that this review is cut off short, I hope that I can give you a more detailed analysis the next time, but please accept this humble review as a token for your meritable writing skills. Please write more; the writing community desperately needs more stuff like this.

chibichocobo
Terryll Preston chapter 7 . 11/30/2006
You know something Virage, I'm incredibly impressed with the amount of detail you maintain with almost every reference to religion; whether it be Christianity, Judaism, Norse or what have you. You possess a very keen eye and seem to love utilizing that information in your stories. And that makes them, especially this one, a much more interesting and fluid read than most of the other 'angel' and 'heaven' based stories on Fictionpress. And with that being said, let's move on to the review!

As is becoming usual, you character intereaction and dialogue is very entertaining! Kyu and Astral feed off of each other well, and the addition of Yossele's incredibly serious nature only adds more to the pot. I will have to admit this right now; Kyu and Astral are cute together! There, I said it! LOL! Her playful nature and his confused, sometimes oblivious, one really helps to add more dimensions to their characters; making for a fun read whenever the scene is focused upon them. Is it me, or does it seem as though Astral is opening up more from the cold, seemingly brutal angel she was when she first appeared and becoming warmer and affectionate? Seems so. And it's a good route of development for her character!

As far as the battle scene goes...wow. Nicely done, with plenty of gory detail! The valkyries and their wolves were handled with a fine hand and the battle itself felt...dirty. There was nothing clean about it, which is how a fight fought between Norsemen should be handled. All in all, an excellent read!

And now for the negatives. Okay, I noticed a few minor spelling errors/misinterpretations throughout the story, but overall this chapter is much cleaner than the previous one. What I found:

'The pack of glittering warrior on their black wolves dispersed from the sky.' Should be 'warrirors'.

'She road beside a pack of cavalry, pulling the spear out from behind her back.' Should be 'rode'.

'She climbed onto it and unlatched her spear from her hip.' Not really a spelling error, but replacing the first 'her' with 'the' would probably make the sentence flow a little better.

'Then man quickly lumbered toward the archer firing the arrows and struck him down.' Place a 'the' between 'Then' and 'man'.

Well, that's pretty much all I could find. There might be more, so go over it yourself to make sure to get what I might have missed. About the only other thing I can tell you is to take your time and proofread your chapters before posting, then read them again after you have to ctach the mistakes you might have missed the first time. I realize that this is a NaNoWriMo project and it was meant to be written quickly, but now that that's over, spend a little time to go over it and take of those unnecessary mistakes that interrupt the overall flow. Also, your battle scene, while good, seemed a bit rushed to me. Remember to pace yourself. Believe me, I know how easy it is to get caught up in the heat of writing a battle or fight and make simple mistakes because it! LOL! Everyone does! So just pause every now and then, recenter and refocus yourself and precede. Sometimes, a little patience makes a lot of difference!

Whew! This review went on a little longer than I had planned! I had meant to get to your other new chapters tonight, but now I don't think I will have the time...sorry! You just update WAY too fast for me! LOL! But, as I have said before, I promise to get all these chapters reviewed. Just please be patient with me. Well, good, great, EXCELLENT job! I'm looking forward to reading the following chapters...and NEVER STOP WRITING!

See you next review!

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of Fictionpress infamy...
Terryll Preston chapter 6 . 11/22/2006
Vividly written! Not at all hard to imagine in one's mind. You do have a gift, I'll tell you that. And again, the dialogue was exceptionally handled. Interplay between Kyu and Astral remains largerly entertaining, and the dialogue and interaction between supporting characters is also crisp and direct. I can't believe that I'm the only one reviewing this story! It really makes no sense for that to be the case in any way, shape, fashion or form. But anyway, back to the review. SP02 is interesting, but I can't really make a determination on him just yet. But, I did like the 'Robocop' comment that Kyu made, though it does make me feel a bit old because I remember when the movie actually came out! LOL! As far as grammar and spelling go, I did find a mistake:

“You refugees are survivors of teh alien ship that crashed here a few months ago. Although you look ike normal people, you're immensely more powerful than us. This must be why Marsh is attacking Saffron; they must have learned that we found you. We have to get you to safety!”

I think you meant 'the' and not 'teh'.

'Astral stood with curious gaze.'

You might want to insert an 'a' between 'with' and 'curious', it would make the sentence flow better.

'It’s chassis opened, showing a powered turret hidden inside.'

'Chassis' is mispelled. I believe it's spelled 'chasis'.

'It then slashed the gun in half, turning it body to slash the operator.'

At first I didn't understand this sentence, but I think I know what you meant to do. In the second half, the 'it' there should be 'its' (as in 'its body') so the readers can know that you are referring to SP02.

'The android moved backward, turning it body to level itself.'

Same problem as above, the 'it' should be 'its'.

'A man with a rocket launched knelt down and quickly locked onto the machine.'

Was 'launcher' what you meant instead of 'launched'?

'The giant robot took a step forward and fired a spread of quick maneuverable missiles.'

There should be a comma between 'quick' and 'maneuverable'.

'More bullets zipped past it as machine fluttered in the air.'

Place a 'the' between 'as' and 'machine'.

And that's all the mistakes I found. Uh...hm, now that I think about it, since this is a NaNoWriMo project do you even want me to be proofing it for you? I just don't want to step on your toes or anything. Afterall, I'm trying to help and everything! LOL! But seriously, if you don't want me to proofread all you have to do is say so, and I'll just pepper your story with sweet, sweet words about how great it is instead!

Well, that's the review! I hope you find it useful! Man, I wish I could update as fast as you can, but I tend to have 'writer's laziness' more often than not (and Final Fantasy XII isn't really helping...LOL!)! But, again, good continuation to a very interesting story. What can I say, you got me hooked and I can't wait to see what else you have in store! Keep up the good work and NEVER stop writing!

See you next review!

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of Fictionpress infamy...
18 | Page 1 2 Next »