|Reviews for Wolf|
| HERsheKISSxoxo chapter 1 . 4/7/2012
Amazing story though you kind of lost me at first when you switched over to the vamps...I got back on track when you said the vamp(vamp girl hunter) was the werewolf's sis. All in all its pretty good! Can't wait for the next chapter!
| theTakeHeartKid chapter 1 . 9/6/2009
“While his mother had ingrained into his thick head that lust led to Hell but after ogling the female in dusk’s light for a moment more, he figured Hell would be worth it.”
Beginning the sentence with “While” and midway using “but”, there’s some functionality gone missing. Read this sentence aloud to yourself and that will be clearer. “Hell” doesn’t need to be capitalized.
We don’t need to know about Rick’s erection. The fact that he’s very attracted to her makes this obvious, and you lose that tacky sex-story feel.
“Her father and she had never been particularly close, however now that he was dead…”
Should be a semi-colon before “however”, not a comma.
“…her mother’s fragile mind simply would not accept the fact that her daughter was a werewolf, and thus had not told said such.”
Not told said such?
“…with Elliot on her heals.”
“Elliot was the pack goofball, pulling pranks was his much sought after duty.”
There should be a semi-colon before “pulling” instead of a comma. “Sought after” should be “sought-after”.
“’I’m really hoping you boys aren’t talking about me.’ Leigh said, in complete honesty.”
Comma after “me”, not a period. No comma after “said”. Same goes for the rest of the dialogue.
“Nothing against her pack, she loved them all, but only one of them really did anything for her and she wasn’t about to play with that specific fire.”
Semi-colon or dash between “pack” and “she”, otherwise it is a run-on sentence.
“No, Trevor Kirkland was not a serial killer, however he was an assassin.”
Semi-colon before “however”.
“The guy had to be 6’, 7”…”
Don’t abbreviate like that.
“…hoping to use the whole mind over matter theory.”
“He’d moved on apparently, why couldn’t I do the same?”
This is a run-on sentence.
Okay, I did that as I went along. There were still other errors, but I was too lazy to list every one. So revise, revise, revise.
Also, this is an over-done subject—werewolves, vampires, and hunters. I wouldn’t complain if you were unique, but you were not. The writing, spelling, and punctuation was generally good, but I felt confused for most of the chapter. There was no information given, and too many characters introduced at once. This is okay if you make it easy to get to know everyone individually, but this didn’t happen.
I had no idea what anyone or anything looked like, so add some description to liven it up. I was turned off by the erotic scenes because they were tacky and tasteless. I don’t want to just flame your story, but you cannot just write a scene because you want vampires and werewolves making out and having sex. It was an awkward scene, kind of random, and didn’t have to do with anything happening.
I didn’t understand fully why Leigh was there, and when I did, it wasn’t exciting enough. I need more drama, more description, more suspense, and more elegance. I need this to be smoother, more detailed, less lusty, and better dialogue.
The last part where the perspective changes from third-person to first-person was weird. I feel you should keep it third person. It’s just less hard on the reader, and less of an abrupt jump from place to place.
Good luck and happy writing.
| Kairi-21 chapter 1 . 4/2/2009
PLEASE PLEASE UPDATE!
| ZombieDragon chapter 1 . 1/30/2009
Huh. Interesting story so far.
| Estelin chapter 1 . 6/19/2008
this was excellent. keep up the good work and writing. i hope there is more.
| Alex Price chapter 1 . 5/10/2008
got a few pointers and questions-
okay, I'm guessing Rick is her father? Perhaps you could mention his name in Leigh's inner ramblings. You do well introducing her pack mates but then we jump to the vampire and there's where it falls apart. It seems as if the two are unrelated. You're relying too much on dialog to tell the story- it's a fault in my own writing. Where does Haven fit into the story? One of the best advise I ever recieved was to treat each chapter as a short story and build your next chapter on that. I'm also guessing that Leigh is Alexandrine? Perhaps she can think about how she got the alternate name.
Hope your gonna edit this soon, I'd love to see how its coming along. And I'd like to see another chapter if you have the time.
| Status-Writing chapter 1 . 8/9/2007
Very entrancing, I love it! You should defiantly write more. I'll be watching and waiting. :D
[ Status ]
| iNarcissus chapter 1 . 4/13/2007
This looks really good so far, the only thing that bothers me is that you keep changing the main character's name. It get's a little confusing and I had to go back and re-read to make sure it was the same person.
So, Leigh is a female were-wolf, and a rare one at that, but has a mother, and well, had a father, yet she's also Alexandrine, human servant to Pheonix, and been arund for 600 years? And she also goes by Xandri?
I'm sorry if this seems like a negative review, it really isnt, I'm just a little lost. You're story is very well written so far, you just might want to make things a little more clear.
I'm only commenting so much becuase I like it so much!
| Lyra Waterflame chapter 1 . 3/1/2007
Please write more? Please? Soon?
| AngelOkibi85 chapter 1 . 1/20/2007
| untoldstories chapter 1 . 11/16/2006
I hope you continue with this story... sometime soon. It seems like something I'd really enjoy reading. Just out of curiosity, were you inspired by any of Kelley Armstrong's work? I just see some similarities. Really good so far.
| BlackWolf38 chapter 1 . 11/16/2006
Really good- I like the first chapter a lot. Plus, there just aren't enough good werewolf/lycan stories out there.
Write more soon!
| Enaid chapter 1 . 11/16/2006
I love the story so far. Keep going I cant wait to see what heppens next!