|Reviews for A Year and a Day|
| EnemyWithin chapter 7 . 12/6/2006
Looks pretty good so far. A few minor errors, but a thorough proofread will catch those. I like how Helen is kind of a sympathetic villain, and how she seems to be at war with herself. Hmm, I wonder who this "Greg" is, perhaps he is the real villain? Chapter seven I also really liked, as it is very nicely detailed. Keep writing!
| EvilFlyingJester chapter 7 . 11/27/2006
I love it! You have to finish this story! It's wonderful!
| theysayshannon chapter 7 . 11/20/2006
"sister's clutches, at least... not if he wanted to clean out the room for her."
That sounds a bit awkward.
"wondering at that whenever the door opened."
What does that mean?
Oohh. Helen. :o
She sounds like trouble.
I hope she doesn't mess things up.
| theysayshannon chapter 6 . 11/19/2006
I'm so upset.
Fictionpress isn't sending me any alerts so I don't know when people review me, or if my Alerted Stories are being updated. :/
Oh, haha. Sorry for calling Damien a pig.
It just sort of came off that way. Not that that is a problem.
aww that was sweet. :]
And I'm glad Damien could get back in to writing.
| Susurrent Threnody chapter 5 . 11/19/2006
This is interesting, very interesting. So far, it's fairly original, so kudos to you. I love original stories, or at least well-executed cliches. Keep it up, and try to not abandon this because you have some serious potential for an awesome story here.
| theysayshannon chapter 5 . 11/19/2006
I am just curious, is it important we know what Helen looks like? You just explained her way more in this paragraph then you have about the main character.
I would actually, prefer wondering what she looks like.
Especially since she's not a main asset to the story.
Or is she? As of right now it looks like she isn't...
Haha, I'm just rambling. Don't mind me.
"A sigh passed between perfect lips, and she caught herself bringing her delicately manicured fingernails to her lips."
Instead of repeating lips, maybe say 'them'.
I like the idea of where this is going,
but it is really confusing.
It seems to be too scattered.
Maybe narrow it more, or explain things better while still leaving holes for readers to wonder.
Hope I helped.
| theysayshannon chapter 4 . 11/19/2006
"She hugged him and smiled happily up at him."
You repeated him.
You referred to chocolate hair again... :/
The last few paragraphs were a bit confusing. Such as Fraya asking about him listening and all the sudden Chris is explaining how she doesn't not like Fraya. Maybe explain it more?
But once again, nice job! :]
| theysayshannon chapter 3 . 11/19/2006
"Chocolate curls were pushed back from her face,"
You mentioned chocolate curls in the last chapter.
Maybe come up with a new description, or just simply say hair. :P
And I like that her stomach growled.
"and she let him, wondering if he'd let her have a cat."
I really like Freya.
For some reason Darien irritates me.
But really good job, once again!
| theysayshannon chapter 2 . 11/19/2006
Haha. Waves little Freya flags. :D
"...and gentle. Dark eyelashes rested against gentle..."
You repeated gentle.
Darien seems kind of like a pig. I didn't like how he was laughing at Freya either. :o
I really liked your descriptions.
I reallyreally like your writing style. :D Nice job.
| theysayshannon chapter 1 . 11/19/2006
Reviewing as I read;
Oh wow one hundred chapters? Good luck. :]
"...and he'd be cursed if he still wasn't aching for her."
I like that sentance. :D
"..onto the floor, and began making a large pile of her things in the middle of the floor."
You repeated floor. (Repetitive words drive me insane.)
"It was perfectly logical."
That made me laugh.
Oh geeze. Just another guy interested in looks.
I like the twist and your writing style. Very nice job! Keep it up!
Care to R&R my story- Annemisu? :]
| EnemyWithin chapter 3 . 11/18/2006
I like this so far, it has the beginnings of a light-hearted romance story. Only a few minor things really jumped out at me. One was in the beginning of the first part, you kind of over-describe Darien's drunkenness. You could probably cut down on that a little, or maybe he could just be drunk at the bar, and sober (but still grieving) at the house? I was also wondering a bit at where Darien was taken to when he met the elf, that was a little vague. What kind of room he's in, are there any windows, stuff like that. Perhaps just slow a few of the events down and describe them a bit more (unless there is a maximum word count in this Ultimate Fiction Challenge). Nice job, I'll keep reading the installments. Just out of curiosity, what is the Ultimate Fiction Challenge?