|Reviews for The Bane of Rendsberg Part IV|
| Shadowhound chapter 30 . 8/23/2009
You know, it occurs to me that redemption is a common theme in your stories. Olivier seeking to redeem himself for the actions he committed in life, Alteng for the crimes he's done and the fact that he murdered his uncle, and Lucifer, a character with the most innocent beginnings, who is trying to redeem himself purely because of what he is.
Olivier and Lyndor are cleaning. Dusting and mopping or what? Generally, on most ships it's unwise to leave things just laying around. For one if people are in a hurry they can trip over them. Secondly, larger stuff will start moving around. It's why they tie down cannons, cargo, people. Anything that might get in the way. Dirt and grime is okay, and in some cases necessary. You don't want a spotless deck because you'll slip around and fall on your ass. A lot of ships put sand on the deck to give them more traction when they're moving around.
Olivier sliced open Miles' cheek? I know the blind Kobald has some sixth sense akin to knowing where things are, but he's still blind. It just strikes me as odd that a blind midget can win a fight. This isn't exactly like Japanese legends about the blind swordsman. In real life, the blind guy would throw punches where he thought his opponent was and hope he hit. If one connected, he'd keep on hitting that same area until the other guy fell down, or it turns out he was hitting a sack of flower and his opponent started beating him from behind.
Also, why does Laquell have to heal Miles? It'd definitely prove more interesting to leave Miles as he is, sans ear and fingers.
I like Miles' reason for not killing them. They can fight back. Sounds like he'd be at home with some of my characters.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 30 . 8/17/2009
Sorry for this late review. I got swamped by a combo review returns and a dead PC. :S Anyway, I guess this is just a filler story here. Olivier seems like a trained fighter here, but I guess it has been shown before. As for Lyn, she still reminds me of a generic loli. Nothing much about her. Which led to me to wonder when you will work on her character. I do think that she's got a good character potential given her background. Also I'm glad that you actually put in a better show in the fighting scenes here. Nothing much in terms of length, but I can say good job here nontheless. ;) As for Miles, well I guess he's pretty much interesting as a filler character. Just wonder how you will tie that into the plot since the only way I can see this going is for his character to be a catalyst for some characters' explorations and/or development.
| faerie-gumdrops chapter 30 . 8/13/2009
This chapter was fun! Just seeing Olivier and Lyn winding up Miles in the kitchen was great. I feel for the goblin - working alone in that place with things the way he likes, then getting these two insanely tidy kobolds to deal with all of a sudden.
'The housekeeping spree did nothing to help the matter when the said filth and grime turned out to be some of the crew themselves' hehe this line was great. I would love to meet some of these filthy grimy crew members, just to make myself feel sparkling clean by comparison. And I would be so grateful for Lyndor and Olivier to come and fix my place up hehe.
'He put his arm around Lyn and led her away. They had kitchen duties to perform' I like the nonchalance here following the bloody fight. So what about Miles's ear, there's work to be done!
'The dirt and filth on the floor was gone. Many of the pots and pans shined with the cleanness. The goblin had to hold down his stomach' Oh noes! Poor Miles.
'“I have never got to know you. Are you as pleasant as you smell?” Heh, Olivier can sound so creepy sometimes. And Schone really isn't the sort you'd want to sound creepy to.
'Lucifer, Lyn’s a girl, yes? Why isn’t she shaped like the other girls? Her chest is flat like ours' haha this part was great! Olivier has so much to learn, bless him.
'Mile4s smirked' typo
'I can talk to animals whether I want to or not, for what it’s worth. I can find out the direction of land and what danger is there from the birds. It’s a hard job. They babble a lot. I hate talking to them, but Laquell says I have to be nice to them so that I can get more information out of them' Ooh cool! I wonder what it's like listening to animals, and whether Miles's skills will come up again :)
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 30 . 8/9/2009
Lyn is a bitch. Yeah, I just had to get it out there. She is a smug little bitch and I really hate her right now. :/
And hooray for update! It's good to see this story, it's very fun to see these Kobolds on their adventure... wherever they happen to be going at the moment.
Anyway, aww, poor defective Miles. :P He's not so bad, I bet he could be a good goblin sooner or later.
Haha, but I love how Olivier and Lyn brought all this order and clean to the kitchen. XD Hilarious, especially Miles's reaction to it.
Good chapter, I liked it. And Olivier is so clueless, I love him. XD
| Narq chapter 30 . 8/8/2009
[The dirt and filth on the floor was gone. Many of the pots and pans shined with the cleanness. The goblin had to hold down his stomach.] - I was like, huh? Oh, it's a 'goblin'.. haha, very nice!
I loved the baby girl conversation :) It was hilarious!
[“I’m a defective goblin!” Miles shouted as he threw out his arms. “Happy?” He stomped out of the gallery without looking back.] - HAHAH priceless
| faerie-gumdrops chapter 29 . 7/30/2009
Yo :) Back again! Computer ate up my last review, so hopefully this one will still say everything I wanted it to.
Wow, this chapter must have been massive as three! Regarding the dwarves, I think that you're fine as it is - there's a lot of information in this chapter, so it might be difficult to take in detailed descriptions of them, and so far they haven't played a big role. Maybe just go into more decription, if you think it's necessary, if any of them do take on a more important role. Heh, the ending of this chapter with these guys was awesome, particularly the very last part, revealing that none of them had actually swallowed any of Johann's special creation. I love how nonchalant it was that two of them died upon drinking it etc. On that note, it's great to see Johann back with his brew again - he seems to have a lot of fun making it (although maybe not tasting it)! The image of the still with tentacles poking out and random creatures hidden inside was great - poor old William offering to taste the stuff!
I did like all of the information in this chapter - the whole dwarves vs kobolds thing was so detailed and interesting, and I like the dynamics between them on the ship as well, like with all of the stealing. Once more, I'm seriously envious of your ability to be so in depth with your world and characters here - I would get completely lost if I ever tried it out! I guess you've been working on this story for a long time, huh?
I'm really interested to see what happens to the remaining dwarves (and more of Josef, because that kobold is *love* - I don't care if the dwarves find him infuriating, I'll be his friend) and whether these guys will catch up with Alteng. Sorry that it's taken me so long to review these chapters; I'm still stupidly behind on everything ack. I need a fictionpress diary or something to get up to scratch :D
| faerie-gumdrops chapter 28 . 7/30/2009
I really loved all of the action in this chapter - you really described the whole scene very well and I liked Alteng's inner turmoil throughout.
'He now knew enough of Olivier’s background to find logic to this illogic' that's really smartly put :) And I love Olivier and his strange illogical ways.
'He was just a piece of meat, part of the experiment. But it didn’t turn out quite the way I’d hoped, and so he serves as a reminder of my admitted failure. He keeps me humble' that's so dark! Really not warming to this magician guy - go get him Alteng!
'The kitchen maid probably liked the full blooded, redeemed Kobold better than she could ever him' ugh silly boy! He does not give himself enough credit with Ther. Still hoping for things to work out for them!
'Still, he would not change what he had done, but he would neither wade further into the forbidden.' I like how you've got such detailed kobold principles, and how you're always so careful in sticking to them - I swear your work seems always so well planned.
'The fact that the thief was able to infiltrate this far was amazing' doesn't he know? Alteng *is* amazing.
'A soulless body was no fun to torture' dark
'The spell was already in motion' this part was so tense! Your fight was really exciting and well-written.
'The blast hit him with no pain. It was over before he knew it, and all that was left of the skeleton was ash upon the floor' the skeleton! Ek this part was sad, but the skeleton was awesome and I may just love his little ashy remains a little bit. I love how something that was scary and weird at first has gone on to save Alteng's life.
'The ashen remains of the skeleton drank up the blood like sand would oil.' gorgeous imagery :)
Great chapter! Got to go eat now, but I'll be back soon!
| Shadowhound chapter 29 . 7/20/2009
Seems like every time I write a review I'm apologizing for doing it so late after you post. I've been working the last two months at a place that didn't allow computer access and then when I got back had to drive up to Ohio to earn more money. Yay money. Can't do anything without it, apparently.
Huh. Not sure I like your description of dwarves. You reuse the old stereotype without adding anything new to it. I did like how you moralized the eight dwarves' piratical ways, though. Also, the part about the Flensberg family being the kobold's the dwarves most dislike is kind of pointless. If a group only has contact with one representative of another race then it is easy to assume that all of that race are that way. Racism at its best. It doesn't matter that the dwarves have only seen the Flensberg family of kobolds, because they can say that all kobolds are like that. You could also say that for a dwarf to be compared to kobold would be an insult.
As for Schone stealing from the pirate crew...I don't see them taking it that well unless they're not taking her seriously, which contradicts what you said before. No one likes be the victim of theft. If someone stole from me I'd be angry and go ape shit on them. On a pirate ship there's not a lot of space. Easier to toss someone over the edge than worry about watching your purse.
Concerning Johann's still. All well and good that he can make one at the drop of a hat, but where are the supplies coming from? Unless there are a couple spare bags of grain lying around on the ship I don't think the captain would be willing to part with edible stuff just to get a buzz. It's one of the reasons pirates didn't make their own brew out at sea. Too much was wasted to make it and it sacrifices much needed resources that keep the crew alive while they're at sea. Easier to just stock up next time they're at port.
Wait. Two of the dwarves died drinking Johann's beer? And all this did was encourage Johann to keep on making more? I need to find the captain of this pirate ship and punch him in the face for not tossing these kobolds overboard. Even if the captain doesn't mind letting his crew get drunk, what good pirate captain would? he has to draw the line somewhere. Accidentally poisoning his crew would be a good place for it.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 29 . 7/4/2009
Wow, two dwarves actually died and four others were still willing to drink it? O_O Stu-pid.
Haha, but the background info on the Kobolds and their relationship with the dwarves and humans was cool. This was a rather short chapter, and it was mostly background info, but I think the only thing I had a problem with was the paragraph size.
Other than that, it was good, and I'm glad you got the chance to update again. It's cool to see an alert for your story. :) Keep on writing, you'll get into the swing of it!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 29 . 7/1/2009
Herro. Me again. :) Anyway, glad to see that you've finally updated this one. :) Okay, basically I guess that this chapter is just for the sake of vital background information. As for your question on the dwarves' description, tbh if they're only bit-part roles, you can just stop at the general descriptions on a generic basis unless some of them have special traits in the looks department and you feel that it will be better to include these descriptions.
Anyway, interesting explanations on the Kobolds and dwarves with their own differences. On a personal basis though, I felt that maybe you could have done much more on the elves as well since they were mentioned here and I'm an elf fan. For starters I'd like to see how you shaped the elven expertise. Dwarves are good in fighting and Kobolds in thieving in general. Pretty much of the normal fantasy standard, so I'm wondering if elves are good in magic or what not lol! :D But tbh, you'll earn cyber cookies from me if you can make the elves like not having a specialized field on a racial basis, but instead being skilled in different fields for different individuals. I'm not too sure if I want to see elves as a magic guru race since I'm more into elves as warriors preferably on a melee basis.
Anyway just a bit of suggestion here which I think I've said before and that is on Johann's brew. I've got no problem on William staying on his senses even after drinking that stuff due to your explanations here, but I think instead of just depicting the grave consequences for the dwarves briefly here, you can actually go for a more lighter and slapstick feel to the whole thing. You did that once for Josef, so I don't think it would be a problem for you to replicate the effect. I truly belief I'll go lawl at seeing the dwarves frothing at the mouth or having random fits. If they can get into a stoned state and I mean that on the drug high meaning, not the alchohol sense, then I believe I'll be in for a Harold and Kumar repeat lol moment, which imo is a good thing.
Wow, I've typed so much here. Got to be my longest review yet I guess. Anyway, all the best to your reviewing. And yeah guess you've got the alert on my new story. Hope to see your review for it soon! Bye! :)
| Narq chapter 29 . 7/1/2009
Hey, okay - to be honest, I felt that this chapter was a bit tedious at the start with the humongous paragraphs of description and telling - not showing.
It improved a lot at the end and I loved the diologue - used wonderfully. It was very efficient and showed the characters beautifully. William is a very interesting character, I feel :)
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 28 . 5/17/2009
Well, finally a conclusion to the fight. And our poor little skeleton got destroyed here. But then again, if not for the sacrifice, Alteng would most likely end up dead. Anyway, I'm glad to see an improvement to your fighting scenes.
Just one thing I'm curious about here: given Alteng's agility, it should be a no-brainer that he could evade attacking spells that target a certain individual and I believe the wizard should have realized it halfway through. So why he never settle in using an area of effect magic? If he had done that, I doubt Alteng would be able to dodge the attack to a certain extent of probability at least.
Anyway glad to see an emotional side of Alteng, which is something pretty much rare here. Wonder how that will play into his future character development plus the future plot as well.
P.S: Now that I've reached this updated chapter, is there any more works that you particularly want me to review? :)
| Shadowhound chapter 28 . 5/13/2009
Partially because I've got magic on the mind, but how does your magic system work? Most of the time you focus more on the folklore aspect of the world, so I'm wondering how orthodox magic plays a role in it.
'It was well known that Kobolds forbade themselves from using magic...'
You know what, that's a perfect reason for them to start using magic. Especially in situations like this where'd it be an unexpected surprise to smack that overconfident wizard in the face. I don't much like the wizard. He fits into the stereotype of the Evil Overlord too easily.
Also, why has no one killed this guy before Alteng came around? No one wants a sadistic wizard running around performing mad experiments. What kind of deal does this fellow have with the ruler of his exalted land that allows him to continue his experiments in exchange for clemency?
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 27 . 5/13/2009
Erm okay, my brain is right now in a bzt mode due my current bout of flu, so if some of what I've said here don't make sense, forgive me. :S Anyway first things first this is quite an interesting chapter in a sense that you actually did certain aspects of necromancy here. And yep, it's really a major irony whammy here for Alteng at the wizard's identity. I truly wonder how he's going to end this one. Also I'm wondering if Alteng's current conflict on the undead will open up a whole new possibility on his development in particular where Lucifer is concerned. I think you did mentin before on his current state of knowing denial where Lucifer and Schone are concerned. But then again, I maybe wrong since my brain's getting hazy here. x.x Anyway I guess there's going to ba a fight on the cards. Wonder what role will my favourite little skeleton play. ;) Sorry if this review is short here. My brain is dying out of flu tbh.
P.S: I'm not sure if you're miffed at my latest review reply on Atheran here. If so, then I apologize. I don't really mean to do that. I guess it's just a case of me myself going over the top in the process. :(
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 26 . 5/11/2009
Sorry for being so late in reviewing. Got caught up with other stuff. :( Anyway, seeing Alteng being the leader here makes me go lol. For some reason, I don't feel that he's the leadership type. And skeleton just got more adorable here. Man never knew I would use this word to describe an undead lol! :D Anyway good telling of the sequence in this story here. I don't think I can actually do that since I'm more of the big picture type rather than being detailed in writing. I'll be interested to see whether Alteng's feelings towards the skeleton could change his view on Lucifer although I'm not banking on the chances here. All in all a transitional chapter here to lead to the main focus of this current arc, so yeah, not much concrete comments to make here. Or rather it's because my brain has gone bzt right now. :S Anyway, will try my best to review again soon. And yeah, hope to see your review for my new fic Atheran soon. I believe you've got the alert. :)