|Reviews for him & her|
| die kleine maus chapter 1 . 11/29/2006
hmmph..I'm all ready to tell you how great the poem is now- what you did with stanza five is brilliant!- and fictionpress tells me "repeat review rejected." this is NOT a repeat review you stupid pop-up window thing, this is a very original, unrejectable piece of wording- a compliment of the highest kind!
so yea, I'm sorry about the "anonymous" review.
| tini5585 chapter 1 . 11/26/2006
drizzle-drenched is an interesting choice of words - usually you become drenched from a downpour or something. It makes it seem like she's been waiting in the drizzle for a long time - is that what you intended?
stanza five...I think the quiet can be broken by the engine, but the engine wouldn't cut through the fog. I picture lights cutting through the fog instead. I'm not sure "before the killing" fits in with the rest of the lines. I'm assuming you're talking about killing the engine, but it kind of gives the poem an ominous feeling, leading us in the wrong direction. This is a noise-filled stanza and even though the noise of the engine is stopped, there's still the slam of the door and the noise of the footsteps. I think you need a different word instead of "killing".
Good imagery and portrayal of emotions. :)
| die kleine maus chapter 1 . 11/21/2006
the fifth stanza is fine but "before the killing" kinda threw me off. but i love this, all of it. somehow, i find it much nicer to tell a story through a poem, and i guess this is why- your words flow, even when you break them into stanzas, with lines like "since walking there, and waiting there" or my favourite, "one by one to break on the pavement". I'm adding this to my Story Alert list, because I do want to see the final version, if you edit.
| lackluster chapter 1 . 11/21/2006
i liked the idea of this. your imagery is interesting. you're right though, you kinda lost me at stanza 5. nonetheless, the poem is gorgeous.
| polka dots and addictions chapter 1 . 11/21/2006
aah, yes, the description in this is perfect, i love the way youve scatterd in around the poem so it gives enough to paint that image w/o being too over board. I reread the 5th stanza when i saw your AN & nothing paritcular struck me about it, i love it just as much as the rest. nicely written. Bex xx
| E. N. Dawson chapter 1 . 11/21/2006
Hmm.. simple in words, but powerful in it's own way. I was a little put off that there's no capitalization or punctuation throughout the whole thing, but you know, no worries. For me, at least, this made a lovely picture. and something that caught my eye 'her drizzle-drenched skin' ah... alliteration ) I love what it can do, and you used it nicely there.