Hi, great story so far, I hope you continue. [Its been a while since you last posted hasnt it?]

Hi! It's me again! Britte Starr, E.M. Duss... nice to see an update or two on this story. It's certainly been a while. Have I ever mentioned how much I love your writing style? I feel inferior... :) So you did NaNoWriMo again this year? I did too and plan on doing it again. Did you make the 50k word mark? I'll be sure to check and read your NaNo story. If it was important enough to precedence over this story, then it must be good.

Cheers darling! Can't wait to hear what happens next with Paige and Taylor (who I still adore after all this time.)

-Essie

(Yet a new name to go by.)

i loved it sorry. i didn't review until now. i try to wait awhile. i think you a a good writer. now could you please read and review my story. its called the unknown lover. my id is 684852. ty

Hey This is a great story! You should keep writing it. I hope you'll update... eventually.

This is very well written! Your style is very descriptive, and your word choices were pretty spot on. The variation of your sentence lengths helped with the flow and made it more interesting to read. I also think you did a really good job of introducing the main character too.

However, I really didn't like the first paragraph. Describing your character's appearance at the very start, completely without subtly, usually isn't a very good idea. It's like a warning to the the reader: This story tells, not shows, and has way too much description. It might lose you a few readers.

You had some very nice word choices in there! They were descriptive, and fresh; not 'stale'. :)

Some of the dialogue wasn't separated. Most of it was when Alexis came into the picture. But when Paige was remembering things, I still think it should have been separated. Because it was a little difficult to read.

A lot of the imagery was wonderful. I had a clear image when you described the scenery, Paige, ect.

-Peach. Review Squader for the RM!

im really starting 2 enjoy this story! at first i thought it waz moving at a bit of a slow pace, but i like it. and taylor's 2 cute lol. update soon pretty plz with cherries, nuts, rainbow sprinkles, and caramel drizzled on top :D

I like it. The whole story idea, the homey, lovable characters. Just something that anybody could relate to.

I like her fleeting thought of "forgiving God"... how typical of human pride! And God speaking the Scripture to her was perfect, but realistic how she brushes it off. As she spirals downward, I can't wait to see how God pursues her... will He take everything away so He is the only one left? This is what He has done in my life in the past when I have turned away, but sometimes He does things differently. I can't wait to see what happens to her faith.

I noticed that you had a fairly lengthy flashback during the diner scene. It might make things more coherent if you put longer flashbacks in italics, especially if they occur in the middle of a scene taking place in the present. It's not too big of a deal, it just might be a little easier on the eyes.

Ahh, your realism astounds me! Also typical of human nature to drown out emotions with noise. Very nice! I also like how she is losing RELIGION. She's shedding all her rituals and religious efforts. It seems to me as though it was never personalized in her life; like the religious activity was there, but the relationship with Jesus was not. I'm anxious to see how that turns out. Your character development is dead-on... is it too early to say I LOVE YOU? lol

One thing I'm not too crazy about is the "impatient teenagers" that always come to the diner. My experience with teenagers is that they usually don't care; when they are in large groups they are too busy goofing off with each other to really notice if the service is lacking. I would see adults as more impatient at a diner than teenagers. But maybe that's just me.

"...and even thought she knew she was here to be real a will, should couldn’t help noticing others staring at her..." there are quite a few typos here; I have a hard time understanding what you meant. Even if you don't use a beta, it would be good to go through and read your chapter aloud to yourself to make sure it makes sense before you post it.

I keep saying this, but as I read through I am constantly amazed at your character development. This is definitely one of your strong points. I love the idea of a letter Grandma Anna wrote in case of her death.

"I pray that you will always listen for His guidance and follow your heart. If you do that, you are bound to live a fruitful and happy life, touched with treasures that only God Himself can give you." This reminds me of Joshua 1:8, "Do not let this book of the law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do what is written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful."

How wonderful of her to describe the Bible's depiction of heaven. It sounds so lovely, yet we know it's going to be a million times better! Actually, I love the whole letter. Grandma Anna has a great attitude towards both life and death, I think.

This is a great opportunity for internal conflict... her grandmother's last words to her are urging her to live a life loving the Lord (how's that for alliteration, and I didn't even try! P), but her bitterness gets in the way. I do hope you use that in the chapters to come.

All this talk about Paige maybe having to live under a bridge... it's slightly confusing since she had made arrangements with Jill in the previous chapter. I guess it's not a problem anymore though since she has the house.

Seems out of character that Jill would think it was "not her place to ask." She just seemed a little more forward to me. Maybe if she struggled with it a little more, like she was itching to ask but decided to make herself wait.

It's odd that Grandma Anna would take off her wedding band after her husband died. Most widows wear theirs for a very long time, especially if they don't remarry... unless they didn't care for their husbands very much, but I can't see Grandma Anna fitting into that category.

It seems redundant to write, for example, that one scrapbook was full of pictures only of Anna and Paige AND that it was made after her parents' death. I think it's a little too much detail.

"As she unlocked and opened the door, the cold air touching her bare arms." The grammar nazi in me simply cannot ignore this... That is a subordinating clause, not a sentence, silly! It needs a verb. For example, "The cold air struck her bare arms as she unlocked and opened the door."

hahaha! "What are you doing here?" "I came to see you, Baby." This makes me laugh. A lot. In fact, it's still making me laugh. I love the juxtaposition of her question, full of complex emotion, and his simple and obvious answer.

Ahh, again with the cursing... I understand the realistic angle you're going for, but if I can say something from one Christian author to another, it really does weaken your witness as a Christian writer. There are ways around it, such as, "Murmuring a few choice words, she..." or "A long string of colorful expletives erupted from her mouth." Remember that we are to be in the world but not of the world.

"Paige felt an involuntary tear fall down her face, due both to grief and anger." You could combine this to make it less clunky: "Paige felt an involuntary tear of grief and anger fall down her face." I think it would also be more fun to make the tear "slip down her cheek" rather than "fall down her face."

I like the way Paige immediately slips back into her facade after letting Richard in. Very in-character.

"She knew that they BOTH could end up taking advantage of each other." I love how this sentence is so close to sentences where she talks about being in control and independent. Her naivete really juxtaposes her "I got this" facade.

O, scandalous! I like the dramatic ending to this chapter. I can't wait to see what becomes of this. Your description of how Paige turns from God is very realistic, typical of human nature. I hope she finds Him, and this time finds a relationship with Him instead of just religion. Can't wait!

I started reading your story out of politeness since you reviewed mine, but as you can probably see, I'm hooked. Just no complaining about ridiculously long reviews when you write ridiculously long chapters! ;-)

BTW, I have 3875 characters left. And now I have 3841. Now it's 3823. And now it's... okay, I'll stop. But seriously, they allow for some long reviews on this site... I'm only a little over halfway through the character limit! Just in case anyone was curious. D

I like this chapter better than the first one... more dialogue, more action. It kept me more interested. The one thing I didn't like was I thought there was a discrepancy in Paige's character; one moment she was vigorously refusing Jill's hospitality; the next, she was profusely thanking her for hiring her. I felt it would have been more consistent had she reluctantly accepted the job, or if she had done so without exclaiming her appreciation. But I loved the reality of this chapter. Paige's bitterness toward the Lord permeates her; I think that is very realistic of what happens to Christians sometimes when tragedy strikes and we have not prepared for it. But I am very anxious to see what happens to that... after all, "pride cometh before the fall!" There was something else in there that was very realistic; I was going to comment on it... can't remember it, though. Ah well. Happy writing! :-)

WOW... very nicely written! I like your word choices, there is a lot of variety there. Your grammar and mechanics need a little touching-up; have you considered getting a beta reader? Also, I'm not too crazy at all about the use of curse words. If you're going for Christian fiction, that will most likely decrease your popularity in that genre, even if it's minimal. Other than that, I love your description. Her emotions felt very real to me, and I have never read a fic on this site that has moved me to tears in just the first chapter. I can't wait to see how things turn out!

Um, hi, I just found your story yesterday and I've been reading it ever sense. I just wanted you to know something. Last weekend, I went to a big thing at my chirch. Three of my friends were with me. Two of them were Christians, and the last one is not. Even after all of the things we heard about God, she still doesn't believe. I just want you know that thanks to your story, I've made myself a promice that I will help my lost friend to God. Your story has even helped me resolve some problems I've been having lately. I just want to say, thank you. I really can't thank you enough.

Dear gods this is long. I'm here from the review game.

I liked the phrasing in the second-to-last paragraph of this chapter because it's realistic; I've made voice messages that sounded very similar to it.

I'm not a fan of the bit “It’s alright. I don’t have any as of tonight,” she explained. “I left my bags in my car, which is in the shop.” because what person would leave their bags in a car that was in the shop? Also, the "as of" phrasing sounds awkward to me.

This is really good, I have to admit. I liked it because of the choice of words and the nice, long, descriptive paragraphs and the lack of choppy phrases.

But you might need to revise your Homonyms/Homophones. I'll like to correct one that I found near the beginning:

"The loamy dirt began to soften and pool, slowly making it’s way toward her worn shoes"

I am pretty sure that is 'its', not 'it's'. Small error, but still quite annoying.

Keep writing!

I really liked this first chapter. It was eery and I thought it was neat how you began with Paige thinking about how the flowers at her grandmother's headstone would be drowned in water - made me want to cry at the thought! This girl obviously cares for her family a lot. I also really liked the details you gave; it allowed the reader to really visualize the surroundings.

The only thing I disliked is that a lot of your sentences are short. They could be combined and made into one longer sentence. You do not have any spelling mistakes that I can catch.

You're doing a great job!