|Reviews for Wider, Wider|
| absentmindedprofessor chapter 1 . 6/17/2012
After reading this story and reading the word "heartwarming" in the summary, I had to laugh in a really sickened, disturbed way. My God, you have a sick mind. But as always, your story was terrific. :D
| Dragon made me do it chapter 1 . 7/4/2011
a key element to this story is precisely how to pace the revelation of the paedophilia theme. I think this really becomes clear when the man says "not in public." The question then becomes how much more you need off this to make it clear to the reader. The next big hint is 'the man whose lap she is sitting on clears his throat and readjusts himself so that the little girl is sitting closer to his knee rather than his crotch.' it is then develops into a vat action with: 'as he licks the blot of ice cream off the little girl's face, ... etc' and then we move into the full-blown oral sex scene. I suppose you'll have to think about whether it is necessary to include all this detail or if it says more to insinuate it.
The other key element is to portray the position of the girl in this kind of relationship. she feels special and privileged to be given special gifts and attention,and in some cases uses this to manipulate him with the threat of 'I'll tell my mummy what we do!' I think you have done this well. The focus on the glamour of the shoes is critical to this.
What perhaps is missing though is that you would expect her to at some point feel some conflict about the fact that what she is doing is not accepted by society and possibly at some point blames herself for the situation. there is great detail about the action that has occurred and the implication that she has on some level enjoyed it, but almost nothing about any kind of negative emotions that might arise from the situation.
To take it to the next level, you would then need to individualise the experience more to make the characters more than simply archetypes for a paedophilia relationship.
I think you have a good balance of crafting with out over-crafting your words so that the story flows without being overly simplistic.
The imagery with that vanilla ice cream is good, but it does tend to privilege the position of her enjoyment of the situation without any kind of hint that this may disturb her in the future.
'Sneakers and sandals and flip-flops, Nikes, Adidas, and Converse' - to make this flow better, it might work to change this to something like: 'sneakers, sandals, flip-flops: Nike, Adidas, Converse.'or alternatively: 'sneakers, sandals and flip-flops: Nike, Adidas, and Converse.' the 'and’ after the word sneakers, and the fact that 'Nikes' is plural but 'Adidas' and 'Converse' are not impedes the flow of the sentence.
'After a couple laps around the store - I would change this to 'a couple of laps'. This kind of colloquial language would work well in dialogue but not in the narration.
And again later in the piece: 'A couple minutes later'
'a pair of pink Converse.' - I think this should either be 'a pair of pink Converse shoes.' or 'a pair of pink Converses.'
Further down: "You're gonna look really cute in those pink Converse." - The same applies.
And again: 'a smaller version of the same pink Converse.'
And 'begins modeling her new pink Converse'
'The pimpled employee nods his head and says "Sure thing" before taking ...'- I think there should be a comma after 'thing', and possibly also after 'says'.
'as he licks the blot of ice cream off the little girl's face' - you may wish to replace 'off' with 'from'.
Referring to that girl character as 'the little girl' throughout the whole piece can be a bit stilted. If you do not wish to give her name, it might be better to simply call her 'the girl' because we know who you are talking about.
I found this story easy to read and it has a strong visual impact. My only quibble, as I have mentioned, is that I think it would be important to draw out more of negatives that might arise from the situation, and emotions that are specific to these characters and not just archetypes finding themselves in this situation.
| We Used To Wait chapter 1 . 12/2/2009
You are a sick, sick, sick person, and I love you for it. And I guess we are all a little sicky for just reading and reviewing it. Hah.
Dude, this was...WOW. I don't know how you came up with this idea. And your other story, Blood, Cum and Dildo Crosses or something like that. THAT was majorly sick and a satisfying and entertaining kind of way. I shouldn't be into stories like this, but I can't stop reading them.
I guess it's the same kinda thing with Salad Fingers, the cartoon about a deformed human being from the Great War. Creepiest. Thing. Ever. Yet I still watch it among many other people because it' oddly addicting. You should check it out, you may like it.
| One-Hand Clap chapter 1 . 4/1/2008
Eww. You come up with such sick shit. It's like a horror story, only its in a social context, and chances are this is probably happening. Somewhere. In the world. As I type. Which makes it even sicker. I love your stories. They show I still have a moral compass.
| notACTUALLYwriting chapter 1 . 12/8/2007
| beti213 chapter 1 . 7/19/2007
hey! I haven't reviewed in a while, so I figured I'd make the rounds...
I knew there had to be something creepy in here since it was a gilee story, but I was looking for it...
the dog pound metaphor isn't working for me. I've heard it A LOT. sorry.
lots of phallic symbols here. awesome.
ok I finished reading it.
I think the idea is impressive. There's a lot you could have gained, however, from toning it down a bit-by making the reader guess about what's going on instead of just knowing, they probably make up something more graphic than you could write. OR, make it even more graphic than you did.
this has a lot of potential, but you could step it up a notch.
| Kandi k.silence chapter 1 . 5/10/2007
I didn't feel like signing in. Fabulous. As usual. Now, wtf is wrong with this lady (mommy)? Neighbors aren't that nice. Golly gee willikers! I can't even get my sisters or mom and dad to keep my son, so if my neighbor obliged i'd definately think twice or five hundred times about sending them off alone. Then again, I suppose "mommy" could be a crappy mom and just not worry about things like that. Either way, you're your usual disturbing self. What's with the "I'm dead" thing? Later-
| Stormer chapter 1 . 3/17/2007
Yup. "Disturbing" is definitely the right word! Yikes. I think you're a really good writer in spite of the fact that this story is rather 'upsetting'!
I am with the others who said that the little girl is a very strange and unsettling character. She's definitely unique!
| Ashelin chapter 1 . 1/18/2007
That is one of the sickest things that I have ever read. Amazing, but gross beyond compare. I agree with Juliet though, that girl is scary. I don't think I could say anything new that the other reviewers havn't. But if you were going for twisted, sick, perverted, but amazingly wonderful, I think you got it. Congratulations.
| Sarah-Brighteyes chapter 1 . 12/10/2006
I know you love to write about the taboo... this certianly gave me disgusting goose bumps and made me sick.
And of course I know this is what you were going for. The infamous Gilee writing about little girls loving older men... men being perverted enough. The sad thing is this happens more and more all over the place.
I found it interesting that it was the neighbor and the mother didnt have a clue. Isnt that usually how it turns out. The ignorance of trusting strangers with our children.
Interesting piece Gilee. You certianly write taboo enough subjects to keep the reader wanting to know what will happen.
| The Breakdancing Ninja chapter 1 . 12/8/2006
Here I am, Forrest! and I’m happy to be here! I have this insane fever and throat cold, but it feels like a good day for relaxation. Finals are next week, but I have enough time to drop a review. I’ll save all topical discussion for the end, as not to distract things I want to analyze shortly and quickly.
Actually, a few comments before I start.
The story has a myriad of subtle descriptions, which set up the ambiance of the story. I feel that they were both purposeful and deliberate; I wouldn’t expect any less from you. Even from early on, the descriptions of the man’s hands clued me in that something was wrong. This attention to detail—size, grabbing, blemishes. Impeccable.
It’s a little creepy how we don’t know how old this kid is, neither do we know how old this adult is. I also think it’s creepy that he drives a truck. Do all molesters drive trucks, vans or Toyotas or is that just me?
A few days after reading this story, I asked Moon to read it out loud to me. Even when he was completely grossed out, he thought the story to be effective and very accomplished. He loves the story’s high interpretability.
[“See any you like?” he asks, staring down at the part in her hair.] I imagined her hair to be an auburn color, thin, round strands that are slippery and staticy.
[Still holding hands, they continue through the store as the little girl stares up at the mountains of shoes that align the valley-like aisles.] From a child’s perspective, I could really see this. I always had the insensible urge to climb up all the shoe boxes, especially the ones sticking way the hell out at Big 5.
[The shoes all sit in boxes like caged animals at a dog pound, hoping to be picked.] Something about this is creepy. “caged animals”, “dog pound”, “picked”. There’s something about the way it’s in present tense, like a progressive thought. I think, at a dog pound, there’s a sense of dejection—most dogs are given away there when they could no longer be taken care of. In a sense, this girl is like someone that the guy just picked up; obviously, the mom is too busy to nurture and care for her. The male is also her liberator—he brings her to the outside world and provides her with things, given she is on a short leash and cannot escape his sight.
[After a couple laps around the store, the girl pulls her finger out of her mouth and points upward at a pair of pink Converse.] Pink is the color of girlishness and innocence. It is her choosing of these pair of shoes that seem to throw me off like crazy; throughout this story, I couldn’t tell whether she was deliberate or naïve. Gawd, it really bothered me. CONVERSE: to make conversation; communicate. That’s missing from this story. A real conversation between the mother and the daughter, a truthful conversation between the male and the mother, a candid conversation between the male and his “little girlfriend”. It’s weird when she says she wants to be a super hero later on—arg, I’ll talk about it when I get there.
[“A guy created pink shoes?”] Hahaha! That’s the kind of stupid shit I used to ask as a kid—but it’s not stupid, it’s actually pretty reasonable. This also already establishes that she has some pretty nuanced understandings of males. Males don’t like pink—supposedly. Does she also know that it’s statutory rape if a grown man has hot steamy sex with little girls? Who knows!
[The little girl smooths her hair back down as the man checks inside the shoe’s tongue.] *smoothens. [Because the shoes are too big, the man and the little girl walk up to the counter and ask for a smaller size.] This also creeped the hell out of me. I swear, the first thought I had when I thought about the guy was: “Yeah, the shoes’re too big—you want smaller, tighter shoes, don’t you?” But that was pretty unreasonable; he’s buying them for the little girl. But the fact that he checks instead of being able to evidently they are too big shows that like, he’s a pussy checker, too. Some guy who digs his fingers or his nose in there to see if it’s just right for him. Gawd, I feel gross even thinking this. I hate that you put me in the mindset of a pedophile. -shakes fist!
[“Let’s go sit down,” says the man, wrapping his large, sausage-like fingers around the little girl’s small and dainty hand.] Ahh! Here’s what really bothered me. The image of his gross “sausage-like” fingers wrapping around her hand, like multiple penises strangling her! Yuck!
[“You’re gonna look really cute in those pink Converse.” The little girl smirks, kisses his stubbled cheek, and then begins giggling.] This is something about the girl that confuses me. She’s sort of like a woman in the way that she smirks instead of laughing and grinning. She has this coquettish way about her. Some little kids are like that; little boys have those bedroom eyes—I’ve seen them hit on other little girls, who know the lingo and sort of take on this “hard to get” aura. I’ve watched it happen, and it is quite disturbing. [The man blushes and looks around the store. “Not in public,” he whispers.] This makes what the girl does even worse; obviously, they’ve done stuff before, because the mom’s like: “THNX 4 ALL UR HELP”. The girl even says at the end, something to the effect of: ‘People thought he was my daddy again!’ Which shows that they’ve gone out before. So, like, the rule is already established: NO HANKY PANKY IN PUBLIC. So, the key to this is—does the child think it is a game, or does she have a sense of what she’s hiding from the rest of the world?
[The little girl shakes her head; and the man whose lap she’s sitting on clear his throat and readjusts himself so that the little girl is sitting closer to his knee rather than his crotch.] *clears his throat. Ew. Hahaha
[“We start back next week,” she says. “Oh,” says the employee, smiling and nodding his head as he begins to lace the little girl’s shoe. “Well, that’s cool. I start back next week, too.”] There’s a lot of “says the man” or “says the employee”, so how about for this one, just editing it down to: “ ‘Oh.’ The employee smiles and nods as he begins to lace her shoe. ‘Well, that’s cool. I start back next week, too.’ ” Yeah?
[“It feel okay?” he asks. “It’s not too tight or anything, is it?”] My old best friend Raymond used to talk like this. Like, I would say: “Does it feel alright?” but he says in his slang, boyish way, “It feel okay?” I love that. XD!
[The little girl bites her bottom lip and shakes her head.] Seriously, what a coquette!
[“What’s wrong with your face?” she blurts. “Did mosquitos bite you or something?” The employee’s pimples grow even redder as he blushes and looks down at the floor.] *mosquitoes. I’m surprised that he didn’t like, quake with anger and pimp slap the kid. He seemed timid up until the point that he flicked her off when she wasn’t looking.
[“I got mosquito bit real bad one time and all these little red bumps popped up on my skin … after a couple days they went away. And then there was this other time—”] This is excellent. The whole little monologue she has here. It’s totally kid-speak. So awesome! Remember the days when the characters would talk on and on for like, five paragraphs? Man, that was classic. LOL Thank God that they don’t anymore. I would totally die.
It’s creepy that this molester dude calls her “baby”. That’s like, molester-speak. Hahaha
[The little girl does as the man says and hops down off his lap. She begins modeling her new pink Converse in the mirror.] she’s like, a miniature slave. I think for more emphasis, this sentence should be edited to: “She begins modeling for him in her new pink Converse in the mirror.” I like the disturbing factor of that.
[The red-faced employee grabs the empty box and walks to the counter without ever looking up.] I have been wondering about the significance of the pimple-faced kid for a few days; Now I think it is because he is the symbol of like, hormone-overload. He’s what happens when people have too much sex on the brain and no outlet. The pink Converse are the symbol of coquettishness, innocence, virginity, but also the labia. The two seem to go hand in hand, I think. Red, pink, red, pink.
[The little girl immediately erupts into giggles; and the man silences her by putting his finger to his lips.] Two possible re-edits for the semi-colon would be, either replace the semi-colon with a comma, or omit the “and”; it’s not necessary if you already have a semi-colon.
[“Fucking little cunt,” he mutters,] this should’ve been the title: FUCKING LITTLE CUNT. And like, the girl is an Indian named LITTLE CUNT. LOL
[“Fucking little cunt,” he mutters, flipping the girl off with his middle finger. Suddenly there’s a loud “AHEM!” The employee then wheels around to see his manager— face stern, arms crossed— standing directly behind him.] I also wondered about the purpose of this exchange; I vouched in favor of it being deliberate, though I have my doubts. I see the manager as the regulator of the story, saying to the audience: Nothing that the girl does or has happen to her are things she can’t see. It’s like, the story won’t allow the girl to be put in a blind spot. She’s always in control, or at least can see when a man is using her; the idea is whether she can comprehend this using quality in her “father”. And the question of the day: Where is her real father?
[She tries to open the door even though it’s locked. The little girl then stands with one hand on the door handle, the other around her cone of melting ice cream, waiting for the man to catch up to her.] She seems pretty eager. Hahaha But I was like this as a kid, too. My mom would get really pissed off with me and swat me in the back of the head: STFU.
[“Did you see how fast I ran?” she says, as the man takes the keys out of his pocket and unlocks the door. “I’m like a super hero now!”] Okay, here’s that super hero part. She’s larger than life; does she want to save herself? It’s also weird how he just ignores her and doesn’t say anything. What is this male thinking about? Why does he just brush her off? I would have sort of seen him saying something like, “Yeah—you’re my little super woman!” Or something corny like that. But it seems like, when they’re isolated, and she’s talking—bragging—a little bit later, he’s not listening. When they’re alone, he stops being Mr. Nice-Sweet-Listener-Provider and turns into this silent… thing.
[The engine wheezes to life and they pull out of the parking lot and onto the main road.] He’s got a shitty car if it “wheezes to life”. How can the mother trust a guy with a molester vehicle?
[Meanwhile, in between licks of ice cream, the little girl continues bragging about her new pink Converse.] How about, “the little girl continues to brag about her new pink Converse.”?
[The man doesn’t say anything until they’re on a rural road, sitting at a stop sign.] He doesn’t say anything until they’re completely alone. And what he does mention is something by her –mouth-. He isn’t interested in what she’s saying, he’s interested in what her mouth can do, ie: lick ice cream, his penis, etc.
[He leans over the seat and sticks out his tongue. As he licks the blot of ice cream off the little girl’s face, she turns her head to meet his mouth.] This is another one of those clue-ins into MAYBE that she knows. Because she like, responds. She doesn’t sit there and take it, or recoil—she responds in a really sexual way.
[They sit there kissing for several seconds— big lips and little lips, old tongue and young. Drool drips down from their chins.] This was really gross and effective. Especially the “big lips”, “little lips”—old/young tongue. Ew. And the drool.
[He says, “I hope they didn’t see us. That’s a little more pornographic than a father-daughter kiss.” The girl laughs harder. ] Does the girl laugh understanding what “pornographic” means? That’s what I want to know. Is she sharing in this little secret they have together, or is she just laughing the way kids laugh for no reason?
[The man grins wider. “Doesn’t that freak you out when people call you my daughter? I mean, that’s what we want them to think and all, but still, it’s just . . . weird!” The man shivers. Then he adds, “Guess that means we’re good actors, though, huh?” “Yep, that’s right . . . daddy.”] The ‘game’ aspect of this relationship almost seems dissolved by this small interaction and opens us up to the deviant nature of this kid. She’s so creepy! The only thing that keeps me bouncing back and forth is that when he whips out his dick, she’s like: YUMMY! Usually, giving head is pretty degrading unless you love someone or enjoy dick. Maybe she loves him? Gawd I’m confused.
[Smirking, the man glances at her from the corner of his eye. “You know, I started to get a bit of an erection at that shoe store. When you were sitting on my lap and stuff, you know?” “Where, daddy? Right here?”] She knows what an erection means? How old is this kid? Actually, kids can infer what things mean by associating the world with a real-life circumstance, so I guess her asking “Where?” kind of clues us in to her psychology, her educated guess and her hunch. She seems to know what this guy’s all about.
[“You know, I was thinking . . .” He motions toward her new pink Converse. “I got you a gift. Now where’s mine?”] What a dick. Holy crap, this guy is just like… Man, no matter what the age difference, some men just seem to be like this. Reciprocal.
[After he removes the cone, the man looks over at the little girl, winks, and says, “Dig in!” The little girl claps her hands and squeals in delight. She licks her little lips and says, ] I wouldn’t say “YAY” if some guy whipped out his penis and dribbled some ice cream on it, expecting me to lick it up. Unless I’m the one doing it, I’d think to myself: Dude, who do you think you are?
[“M, yummy!” just before leaning over the seat and opening her mouth, wider, wider . . .] It’s strange that the title would be this very moment. Like, HEAD! I had another view of it, though. I’ll save it for the end comments, though.
[The man makes a joke about “double scoops” and the little girl laughs.] So sick. I wouldn’t even laugh about that. If some guy nudged or elbowed me with that. It’s like, too vulgar. But reading it is kind of funny. LOL
[“Mommy!” and jumps out of the truck and races into the next yard. The woman kneels down on the sidewalk so that the little girl can run directly into her embrace] Missing punctuation.
[With a smile he listens to the little girl tell her mother about how many times she had to walk around the store before finding those specific shoes and about the guy who worked at the shoe store who had those weird mosquito bites all over his face and how she needs to go back to the mall so she can give him some of that cream stuff that will make his bumps go away.] this is excellent, the way the narration is done. We get a sense, from the male’s point of view, how the girl is talking to her mother. You have a way with these nuances, Forrest. I think I’d edit “about the guy who worked at the shoe store who had those weird mosquito bites” by taking out “those”, since you used “those specific shoes” as an objective—like, something to obtain. Or you could replace “those” in the mosquito-bite part to “these”.
[The man waves her off. “Oh, no, you don’t owe me anything. It’s my treat.”] GOD [The woman laughs; and the man says, “You know, I actually like to kid her about being my little girlfriend. It’s kind of our running joke.”] UGH! This probably had the best shock factor—I mean, this story’s ending. It had THE best shock factor ever. This right here: [“Oh, I almost forgot—” She looks up at the man. “I was gonna ask you if you could keep her for me this weekend. I’ve gotta fly out to a meeting Friday, and I figured she’d much rather stay with you than some ol’ babysitter.”] Which was like, HOLY CRAP, WOMAN. DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?
[“You sure you don’t mind? I’d hate for you to think I’m taking advantage of you, always having you keep her, taking her to school, taking her shopping. I mean—“] God, he even takes this chick to school. blowjob breakfast. LOL
Oh, man. Gross ending there. I think it would’ve been pretty dark if you had described how the girl had to fit the whole thing in her mouth, how little tears squeezed out of her eyes, how he forced her down by taking her hair and jamming it up and down that block. I could even see you writing that kind of thing, and then erasing it. LOL You’re like, ‘No way, man. -erase, erase.-’
This was excellent; it was disturbing, but the shocks just started to increase like, incrementally. Starting with the crotch-lap thing, getting to the head in the truck—to the mom. Man, that was killer. I stick to what I said in my previous review: This is the most disturbing thing you’ve written yet. I won’t suppose whether this is a good or a bad thing, because I myself don’t know. What I do know was that the attention to detail and nuance with this story was probably more disturbing than the subject matter itself. As if you could see all of this.
I think because it’s written in present tense, it has this voyeuristic quality to it. Like, we’re watching all of this unfold. You usually write in-scene, as if you have a sense of what’s going on, but this was extreme. Down to the dialogue, which was chosen carefully. Even things like the man saying, [“Thanks. You too,”] instead of “Thank you very much sir.” I could really see that you chose everything pretty carefully. It was the complete control and poise over this piece, knowing where to cut, edit, tell and not tell—this was probably the most disturbing part. Your steadfast deliberation. It shows premeditation; it lacks the frenzy of your much older pieces, which were written out of impulse.
It’s totally disturbing, Forrest. God, but at the same time, it’s totally awesome. This was a gutsy move, but it has FORREST written all over it. It has all your special touches. I’m so glad to see it.
Here’s my distorted Hertz Analysis on the relationship between the male and the child. When a muse is too young and underdeveloped, one cannot rely on the muse to be sane, logical or reasonable. The relationship remains infantile verbally and mentally. In essence it becomes a base relationship; one feeds the muse, the muse in return gives gratification, but does not satisfy a deeper level of wisdom, understanding or insight. The relationship remains locked in this sort of orbit and slowly escalates over time into gratuity to compensate for the lack of depth. We didn’t see hardcore sex in here, but it’s a given. If it hasn’t happened already, it’s going to happen some time soon.
Hm. I had to think about… Why shoes?
The male and child are nameless. They lack identity; in a sense, they share the same mind—they communicate in the same way.
Both the male and the child have a duality to them that is undeniable and disturbing.
What really bothers the heck out of me is that this story is more exploitive and playful than any of your other stories combined. There’s no clue-in into the psychological behavior of the characters. The narrator of “A Cure for Writer’s Block” was obsessive about coming up with a story. Terrance from “Technical Foul” was trying to live his former days of glory. Dennis from “Blood (LOL I spelled it “BLUD”), Cum and Dildo Crosses” was trying to get over his ex, the nerds wanted the popular girl, even the wife from “Bring It Down” was fed up with her goddamn husband. One friend resorts to necrophilia because the other peer pressures him. What I’m trying to say is that this is the most feral story, the most instinctual and basest is going to get. I think that you’re on to something here; we don’t see the psychology in commentary, but we see it in the way the male and the child interact. It’s getting very close to an extremely accomplished story, where the motives are unclear—there’s no one reason that tells us –why- someone does something. I think a simple cop-out answer is that the guy just wants some pussy, but there’s something in his past, or just in his mind that makes him think that. Who knows? Maybe he wants to fuck the mom, but could only get the daughter? Maybe he was curious? Maybe he feels comfort knowing he can control the girl in some way, shape or form? Maybe the little girl reminds him of someone he knew in childhood? Maybe he’s representative of most child rapists and molesters—some unseen desire, some un-contemplated reason for doing what he does. And unlike your other characters, the male doesn’t seem to have a sense of guilt or fear.
He seems to be liberated from those feelings; he’s neither remorseful that he might be fucking up this child’s life, nor is he responsible. But, in a way, he nurtures and takes care of her. From a writer to audience point of view, the writer is exposing us to a world we are unfamiliar with and cannot comprehend. The writer feels no remorse for showing us the dark side of things, but at the same time, we are led by the hand, comfortably and securely. It’s devastating, but there’s something about this story that shows a lot more freedom and motion. I still don’t feel it is stronger than “Technical Foul”, but it’s locking on to something interesting.
I’m also glad to see this piece; even though it seems like a revolt against what other people think, like a big: “fuck you I’ll write what I please”, in a way, I’m very happy to see it. Though I believe you know the key to moderation, form and delicacy even in the feral and insane. I’ve seen it in your other pieces. This one looks more like a great stepping stone into other stories that are to come in the future. This is also a big relief from “Beep, Pow, Meow” LOL. Accordingly, the title seems to me like an invitation for all writers: “Wider—Wider!” expand, allow all the good and bad shit to sift in.
Was this one of the story ideas that you had in your cache of many ideas? Or did this one just dawn on you?
I really think that if I had to make a career off scholarly analysis, I’d analyze huge bodies of your work, pre-fame and post-fame. Seriously, people would get to see what I see. You never stop changing and growing, which is the sign of true writer’s craftsmanship; someone who is willing to accept that things aren’t always that great, someone who won’t allow himself to stagnate. I’m really impressed with your writing journey, and wish to emulate it. You take your craft and constantly morph and change it; even if the undertones and theme are similar, what you do with these various elements blows my mind a lot of the time. I even sit back thinking to myself: “God, he’s done it again.” You’re in constant momentum—even if you haven’t been around in a long time, you still seem to show rapid change and growth from piece to piece. I admire the hell out of it, and I’m always glad to have come by here and watch. It gives me a lot of hope that I could change and grow, too, as a writer. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I hadn’t come to or we hadn’t of met. Man, that would’ve totally sucked balls?
I still believe you’re going to sky-rocket and elevate past your own mentor. Stephen King would be pretty proud to witness the niche you’ve made for yourself. Seeing you as a famous writer isn’t difficult. Your work is evocative—titillating.
Write your heart out, Forrest! And rock ON!
| Damien Vlashtov chapter 1 . 12/7/2006
Disturbing, but not in an initially overt way. Good job with the build up, it definitely leaves a bad taste in one's mouth.
... no pun intended...
| Persistent Vegetative State chapter 1 . 12/4/2006
Just so you know, I'm refusing to properly review this story on consciencious grounds. I don't think this kind of pornographic work is acceptable on FictionPress.
I've just realized that my sandals smell exactly the same as the bacterical cultures in the lab I work at. I am thoroughly disgusted. This should not be a surprise. The title of the story itself kind of made me want to puke, because for some reason I instantly knew what it was going to be about.
| citrus scented chapter 1 . 11/30/2006
yup it is good to know. that your still messed up in the head haa.
this was so wrong, but you pull of that black sense of humour vibe so I suppose I can forgive you for it.
but seriously...blagh thats grose! whats worse is that the little girl is so oblivious to it...i dunno I found that a bit unreal I think it probably should have icked her out a bit more, but hey. but oh dear you got the man scarily perfect. *shudders* gaah its so grose, did u have to be so vivid "so the man turns the cone upside down— “Holy shit, that’s cold!”— and allows the leftover ice-cream to drip down onto his purple (and now brown) head" :( haa. though I suppose i do applaud you, cause you dont just do vaugly grose..you sure go all out.
I think a bit more physical descriptions on the man and the girl might help it out, as it is I just imagine a typical man and a typical girl...ie beared and beer bellied, and little and blonde. i suppose it works but meh.
i think you really get her innocence across perfectly though, like about the mosquito bit things and chuck taylor.
hm another all too vivid imnage:
"They sit there kissing for several seconds— big lips and little lips, old tongue and young. Drool drips down from their chins." - ( ive just eaten and everything haha.
you get your contrasts in well though: "says the man, wrapping his large, sausage-like fingers around the little girl’s small and dainty hand" vivid contrasting image that almost...burns its so strong. meff anyway .
I cant help but take this completely lightly, and jokingly, even though its actually a very dark and sickening subject, the way you write is so humourusly.
there were so many wrong things i could have pointed out: "daddy" and "wider, wider" but yes. basically its descently written about something completely indescent, but entertaing. but i guess you already knew that.
| Delirium Batharie chapter 1 . 11/29/2006
0_o Woah there. This...was so masterfully, skillfully disturbing. This definitely ranks up there with every other sexually deranged story I've ever read...dang.
At first I thought the little girl was actually a full-grown woman, but like a midget or something, y'know? But...it turns out she's actually a kid, huh...
As soon as I read this, I sent a link to a lot of my other crazy insomniac friends. They all find this as twisted and well-done as I do. Uh...so...kudos, for being both taltented and screwed-up enough to pull this off. :]