|Reviews for Second Arc: The Past Within|
| alirider827 chapter 1 . 8/4/2007
"Because the fawn is so young and uninformed in the ways of the wild, the howls simply scare it in such a way that it lays down among the dry autumn leaves."
this seems a bit too matter of fact for a piece like this. instead of directly telling us how the fawn reacts, i think it would be better to be a little more subtle about it by mentioning the little things the fawn does.
"Her family would do that, and is attacking her."
i think this should be something like "Her family would do that, and they were attacking her." or something of that sort. it would clear up the sentence fragment in the second half of that sentence.
"Dozens of claws and teeth bury themselves in her each second and the terrified wolf howls in agony and pleads with her family not to do this to her.
“Why do you do this to me?”"
a little awkward. it seems like you are being repetitive. maybe take out the first pleading.
"It was fifteen years to the day that King Madren had been mysteriously murdered. The young king, barely twenty years of age, had been killed violently and without reason in is throne room. "
again, this is a bit repetitive, saying that he is mysteriously murdered and then saying he was killed without reason. say one or the other.
"And there were no suspects or even a motive for the murder, as King Madren was loved by all within and without of his kingdom."
repetitive. you have already said all of this in the paragraph already. if you are going to present new information, try to stick to that new information and don't keep repeating the same things.
"“Oh my! I’m so sorry, are you okay?” asked the blonde elf who had collided with her. “My name’s Mohrr.”"
eh? when i bump into someone, i don't just tell the person my name right away. i think you should probably put this after he helps her up instead of right after she falls.
"Ayrlyn instinctually scurried away from the flames."
i think you mean instinctively?
"A woman nearby ran over and knelt down beside Ayrlyn to see if she was alright.
“Are you alright?” she asked, propping up Ayrlyn's head."
ahh you really like being repetitive, don't you? )
ehh.. not the best ending. it was a bit awkward.
i think you need to work on less explanation and more flow. it seems like you think the readers will not understand unless you explain everything to them. we are smart and we will understand what you mean most times. and try not to repeat things! )
| Not Dead Fred chapter 3 . 8/3/2007
Okay I'm not particularly good at reviewing...but I must tell you that while initally I felt sorry for Wind Whisper I am still undecided as to whether or not I like her.
| Not Dead Fred chapter 10 . 8/3/2007
Okay I don't quite like the way you repeat yourself so frequently( in the conversation and actions of the characters). Also the use of the same word twice in a sentence, rather bothers me as well.
| Not Dead Fred chapter 2 . 8/3/2007
I feel woefully inadequate...THis is so much better than most of what I have read on here for quite some time! I felt so sorry for Wind Whisper when I read that whole sequence in the first chapter. THis is well developed, AND there are no grammar mistakes that I could detect! I heart this! Tootles Arky!
| concerto49 chapter 1 . 8/2/2007
The intro with the wolves was kind of boring. As an introduction, it didn't start or uprise anything too much. Didn't seem like there was a suprise at that point too. The intro dialogue wasn't catchy either. Ah and yes why the italics? Usually normal text is used - the formatting just adds to that.
Guess it does get better so yeah. Felt that there were too many big intro bits around. The market scene was rather cool instead. Despite minor glitches, it was written quite well. It has some interesting ideas, and oh I haven't dealt with elves in a long time - yeah I like elves too.
Well the others pointed out most of the typos and grammar issues so I ain't saying more on that. It was cool anyhow. The more ancient feel. Cheers.
| The Winking Peach Candle chapter 1 . 8/1/2007
“Do we kill her outright, or simply chase he out?”
you just need to change 'chase he out' to 'chase her out'
otherwise i can't find anything wrong. it's amazing how you can make a whole world like this, and describe and pull me into it in just one chapter.
the characters are believable, and you have me hooked!
From the Earthen Ground
| Fractured Illusion chapter 15 . 8/1/2007
OMG tabby got to the end first! . GROWL!
Anyhow, nice mention of Ehri and all. With the graves. Fantastic line! I like that Ay isn't trusted. It adds realism.
And I am to take Ay and WW continued on their lives as normal (that's how I interpret things anyhow )? But how about Tony Tiger? Did he stay with them?
Overall review of story:
Nice. Well played with the characters and how it all came together. But I do find you didn't milk out the emotional scenes quite as much as you probably should have (to leave more impact). Like chapter 14 could have much more that way. Instead it felt a tad unsatisfying with the way it went; fast paced and no thoughts looking back (would Ay ever feel responsible for the killings? etc etc)
I would have really liked some sort of closure with Ay and WW, now that they are together again. A special scene added or something. Not sure of WHAT, really. But some closure, mostly due to WW being so concerned for her and now she got her back; alive as well.
Ehri is great whenever regarded with her brother. Wiee for the angst! :D
Aine got killed too quickly (or rather it was rushed.). She *was* an important character, and I think you lost focus of her as a person in the later chapters of her life. She was doing all this due to mental reasons perfectly understandable (ok not perfectly). It would have been great of you to add more of her thoughts and feelings. Even if she is the bad guy, she is also a character.
Milk them emotions, girl! :D (without going overboard I mean).
Great story! It had its weak parts but man, I am impressed! Thumbs up for you!
- Fractured Illusion
| Fractured Illusion chapter 14 . 8/1/2007
Review Revolution pays a friendly visit.
"A bright light burst forth from where the strange metal in Ehrian’s sword, mingled with her fresh blood, was buried in the ground at Cern’s feet."
Aside from the fact that this is a very awkward and long sentnece, what is with you and the word "mingle" as soon as it comes to that sword of hers? Everything mingles then O.o
"One could say that the light had every color known to elves and some those watching had never seen before, nor would they ever see them again in their lives."
Sentence goes haywire at "and some those watching". Eh? Huh? and Please fix. Like "One could say that the light had every color known to elves. Others of those watching would say the colors had never been seen before, nor would they ever be seen again."
Not exactly like that, but splitting it up or something. It was quite a lot to deal with. No flow.
"The blonde, tall elf knelt down and laid his head on the wolf’s chest. Relief washed over his features as he heard its heart beating."
"to see Cern rising to Her feet unsteadily."
"After looking at Ehrian a little closer, Ayrlyn could see a controlled power hidden beneath her tiny frame. The girl’s eyes burned with vigor and Ayrlyn felt safe just being near her. There was no doubt in Ayrlyn’s mind that Ehrian was a born protector."
It's things like these statements about Ehrian that sort of ruins me liking her. :/ Like, everyone is so sure and certain she got the power to do things. No fun.
But then her bond with Lan makes me like her, so it seems it adds up to neutral?
Lovely ending line Ehri gave btw. Aww Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.
Question: If the gods want Ehri killed, how come they wont send out someone else? Cern is one of many, right? :/
I am still a bit disappointed neither WW or Ay died :/ I am a tragedy freak at heart and I like things bittersweet so I can't help it, I'm sorry ; But as both lived, I wish you'd have milked out the possible happy-angst created when they reunited again (especially from WW's side. All the trouble she's gone through, poor thing ;_;
Hey wait, am I starting it like WW? :O)
So yeah; more emotional reactions!
And shouldn't they be doing damage control, searching the streets for wounded instead of wanting to head to the shop and talk? Just a thought. I'm off to read the epilogue now! :D
| tabiscus chapter 15 . 8/1/2007
*sniffles* it was all so tragic...yet still had a happy ending! Yay!
I liked the memory-about the funeral and ritual; especially the beginning...you did such a good job with the descriptions, too!
I thought that there's be a problemo with her not being legal and all, but I spose it's all good that they still let her rule. Poor Ayrlyn; people still suspect her. Na Da.
I wonder...did the ritual destroy Cern, or will she come back? Suspense!
| Fractured Illusion chapter 13 . 8/1/2007
Review Revolution is back! In black!
Wonderful flashback. It was awesome, it really was! Well captured emotions! The thought process of a child gave a nice contrast as well as how the ritual was perceived.
"The cat roared and swatted at Cern threateningly, thought without making contact."
What do you mean, "thought"? O.o Skip the word even if its supposed to be a though.
"The Goddess, though, ignored him and continued Her assault."
Your weird though's make me crazy. O.o
"Her frail human host mother did not possess the strength"
Eh? MOTHER? Makes it sound as if Ay's mother didnt the have the strength. Skip the mother word and all is clear. I still dont know why you wrote it :/
I am wondering though; if the spell didnt manage to keep her away last time, why should it now?
*hopes Ay dies along, mwahahaha!*
Cool with the sword and all. Good job, Lan! And the elf-language; cool! Drat, it's all cool.
I still don't see why you like Tony Tiger so much though :/ He has barely even showed his personality. He's just there, by someone's side, all the time. Not much is given to make him into a sympathetic character.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 12 . 8/1/2007
:3 I totally adored Lan for laughing when he realized the Tavern was on fire. Granted, because it proved he had saved his sister, but still! Awfully morbid in such a situation
"Selfishly, though, Ehrian only wished him alive again, no matter what the cost. "
What is with you and these ,though, 's? That way you make them useless. The sentence would have leave more of an impression of you skipped the though altogether.
And yay! Totally digging WW in this chapter! Very courageous of her. As was Lan's death. I liked them both, which now makes me remark in afterthought that Aine's death felt a bit too quick. Like it was only a killing of someone random.
WW is dead though, right? Not too sure.
I like the reasoning the gods have, with setting an example. Makes me really wonder though, how she thinks she can go against the gods :/ ALL of them seems to be in on this. Ack, tragic.
But man what a cliffie :O What is the way? Ah, next chapter! *hurries*
| tabiscus chapter 11 . 8/1/2007
Oh, I loved your descriptions. The whole fire runes in the air and the phosphorescent dust? That was a nice touch.
About time Cern got away from Aine. I was about to wonder.
Ahaha, Mohrr got his payback. I never did like him anyways, of course.
Though...when Cern got out and was wondering through the alleys and such, and she's wondering why Aine addressed her as "arylyn". But then you said she "repined". Eh? What's repined mean?
| tabiscus chapter 8 . 8/1/2007
Eh, I see what you guys meant by the "fell" sentence. I think it sounds alright; but whatever works for you.
It's so very sad with the Madren; I suppose it's obvious that she's Cern incarnate now. Na Da.
I don't like Aine now, simply because she's sneaky and underhand-y-ish. What, does she not like getting her hands dirty? Psh. *Turns up nose and sniffs*.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 11 . 8/1/2007
Review Revolution comforts you with reviews to make you forget the spoilers!
"Aine was still cautious, though, and provided Ayrlyn with a hooded cloak to cover her face."
What meaning does the "though" have there? Either skip the first comma, or skip the though. Surrounded by two commas, it is worthless.
And AHA! It confirmed now! :O She is Cern! By why did Aine let her guard down when she KNEW she dealt with a goddess AND that the potion was supposed to have run out by now..?
"Screams from those trapped inside permeated the burning walls, making Llew feel ill."
This sentence is a bit bad. You either missed a word (came, which should be the second word) or you should say "made Llew feel ill"
"the wolf whimpered"
Now, you have had her whimper all through the chapters :/ It is getting a tad tedious, Arky.
But HAHA! Mohrr died! Woot! Got what ya deserved you sonnuva biatch! :P Yet; NOOES! How could you off Aine? ;_; She was so nice and manipulative.
A tip; for panicky situations like this where it's all action, you might want to reflect the action by cutting your sentences shorter. It's quite effective
Poor Llew, by the way. I wonder who will talk sense into Ay. Though I hope no one will, bwaahha! Now, hopefuly Ehri won't suffer too long when she dies (oh puh-lease honey, like she could survive ; Kick her butt, cern! Woot! Action! Mayhem! Pretty flames!)
-Fill/Phil/What is my nickname anyway?
| tabiscus chapter 4 . 8/1/2007
Eck Llew is so sappy...and sappy people are annoying. Who was it that said they hoped he got killed off? Bleh, I agree with them. Not that I don't like how you've made his charrie; it's good. I'm merely talking 'bout him as if he were a real person...so doom to Llew. _
Poor Ayrlyn; I hope Aine doesn't catch up to her and do something terrible. Though at the same time I hope so; it's be interesting. My poor mind is conflicted. .
Does Wind Whisper meet up with her pack? That's be interesting, though I doubt they'd welcome her back, no matter how much she wishes it. Na Da.
Are Ethrin and Ayrlyn and Aine all going to meet up? That'd be pretty cool too, and I like her accent. 'Tis very cool and sounds a bit like a street urchin...though maybe I am just assuming? Hrmm...
These are all just thoughts on my way to reading your story. I have no complaints, and hope these don't bug you or anything. Untill next time, then! Rawr!