|Reviews for Second Arc: The Past Within|
| openmouthblues chapter 3 . 12/1/2006
Very good. A little better than the other two, as well as revealing the reason for the name. Obviously Kipic is the world, and now we have another plot element... A sorceress/mage, Aine, and there's another element here... In two senses. She's not only a plot element, she's also another magic element. The wolf is air, the Elf is Fire, and the mage, Aine, is earth. So who's going to be water? Or will there?
Oh... I can't wait. The suspense is killing me. Hurry for Chapter 4! Sorry... I'm rambling.
And more kudos... Man I wish there was a kudos button... **mumbles** Anyway. Good. Keep writing. I can't wait for the rest of the story. This is going on my favorite Author and Favorite Stories already. Good for you.
| openmouthblues chapter 2 . 12/1/2006
This is ny review on Chapter 2:
Now as the other reviewer said, you're having trouble with the italics. It really takes away from it, but that's something that can be easily fixed.
Now, I wonder about the part where she is being attacked by Mohrr... If she has an inherent ability to set fires, *and* control them, as she did in the marketplace, then why didn't she do something about him? Why did she just stand there?
And the part about Wind Whisper turning into leaves or something and swirling about Arylyn, (by the way, is that pronounced "Air-E-Lin or ARE-E-Lin"?), is that the extent of her powers, or are they greater? If she does have greater powers, then that could me a problem, because being able to speak with anything is a good power, albeit minor. That's a very good power for her. But being able to become *one with the air*... Does that mean she can travel through it? Walk on it? Turn in to it? You haven't really explained it... Oh well. But anyway, if it's what I think it is, then it might just be too powerful. Maybe you're considering her losing that power later on for a plot twist, I don't know, but for now...
Well, that's about it.
P.S. Now on to Chapter 3
| Barbados chapter 1 . 11/29/2006
Hey there! The title isn't lame, necessarily, although it has nothing to do with, well, anything... yet. I can't suggest a title though, because this is only the first chapter. It's a pretty decent first chapter, too. I'll take some time to point out a few things that really stood out to me.
First, the name Ayrlyn. It's pretty looking (and elven looking), and probably pretty sounding, but the problem is that by looking at it, I don't know how it sounds. I didn't have the same problem with any of the other names.
Second... Wind Whisper can speak with any creature, and become one with the Air, and she consider's herself 'normal?' So, lots of animals can do this? I hadn't got that impression from the dream. Something you might look into.
It looks like you are trying to use HTML for your italics, or something. You don't really need to, so you might look into it.
Ok... the scene where Ayrlyn bumped into that other elf was disappointing, I'm sorry. Keep in mind that italicized thought help us see more mroe bluntly into a character than perhaps anything else. We have to try to read their actions, but their thoughts... its exactly what they are thinking, the very core of their process. Is Ayrlyn's process really 'Oh. My. God. I got knocked over by the most...' She seemed more sophisticated than a train of thought like that. Also, since it's the first chapter, I don't know much about your setting overall, except that it appears to be high fantasy (elves, special abilities like magic, talking animals, and such) that 'stay cool' and other modern slang/lingo wouldn't be common place. I could be wrong, and you could be going for a sort of cultural blend, which could be neat and interesting. If not though, you should probably look into it.
Only a couple more things. Honestly, I did enjoy reading your first chapter; I'm only trying to help you see some things you may not have.
A few paragraphs after the colision with Mohrr, there is a paragraph that begins "However, isntead of extinguishing..." This paragraph is five lines long, and you use the word flames in it on four of those lines. The repetition doesn't read very well, so try to avoid it in the future. Either find synonyms, or restructure the paragraph. I recommend the later when possible, as even synonyms can get tiresome.
The final thing I'll critique is a little while after that, in the paragraph that begins, "Ayrlyn's panicked midn only raced..." At the end of the paragraph, she decides to take things into her own hands. She did try that already, so it should read that she's trying once again. It's a minor detail, but one that makes a large difference as a reader.
I personally felt that the ending was too abrupt, but all that really means is that I wanted to read more lol. I wish you luck DarkBlysse, and hope to see chapter two in the next couple weeks. I'll be keeping an eye out for it.
| openmouthblues chapter 1 . 11/29/2006
Wotcha. Very good for a 'lame first attempt'. Very good. I applaud. Hm, on the name bit. Maybe you should just call it Wind Whisper. But then again, I probably need to read more on it. Keep writing, one little chapter and I'm hooked! P! Can't wait for the next installment! That's why I'm putting this on story alert. Keep writing.