|Reviews for Cerilia|
| listeninggame chapter 1 . 6/18/2015
This is beautiful and kind of realistic.
| Freak Of Music chapter 1 . 9/1/2009
its awesome it was confusing bt if u read it again its very simple!
| sweet vanilla mint chapter 1 . 2/27/2007
Go on, please. :) looks like an interesting one! Love this chapter. Keep going... :)
| Femme de Dieu chapter 1 . 12/16/2006
The premise of this is wonderful. I love how it's almost as if the boy is thinking what he might say to the girl, rather than actaully talking to her. Sort of musing to himself. It would be great to have at LEAST her thoughts as well, if nothing else. It's quite intriguing. The butterfly that flew from her hand to him and wouldn't leave him alone, I had a feeling it WAS her, a part of her, her essence that she sent to him purposefully, sort of a "binding" unspoken sign of her needing him to circle around her and be her protector. Just a thought I had as I read it. Hope you don't mind.
Now on to form. I'm going to be a bit critical here, so please don't take offense. It's not as if I'm a professional or anything, but I am very well read. So I know what "good" is supposed to look and sound like. Again, nothing personal, but we are supposed to be helping one another "grow" on this site. *smiles*
First off, watch where you place your punctuation. Misplaced punctuation can change the meaning of a sentence, or at least interrupt the flow of thought. You can know if it's misplaced usually simply by reading it out loud and pausing at the commas and so forth. Does it sound funny? Then the comma's in the wrong place.
Secondly, there are way too many lines. That IS confusing. If you could combine several to make paragraphs it would be so much easier and pleasant to read. If you would like some suggestions, feel free to ask. But I'm sure you could probably figure it out yourself with a bit of thought. You have quite a good head on your shoulders, it seems.
And lastly, the last line... *grimaces*... it fell flat, which is not what a last line should do. (Not saying I always get mine right, either... and oftentimes I have to go back and change not only my last line, but other things as well. Editing is what it's all about, my dear! *grins*)
Again, all of these are just "suggestions", so please don't feel you have to change anything just because ANY reviewer, myself included, says so. Each writer has their own reasons for what they write. And you may want or need to leave your last line just as you have it. But given the question that's presented all the way throughout the piece, "you ask me if i have always loved you," I would've expected the last line to read more like this: "I love you. Yes, I have always loved you." Or, "Have I always loved you? I think you know the answer." Or, "I love you... I was born to love you." Something along those lines.
Okay, I'm done being pompous. haha Like I said, I only know what looks and sounds good from MUCH personal reading. Do as you would please. The story has excellent bones. And it is "fleshed" out pretty well, too. Just a bit of tweaking and you'll have it perfect. ) Truly, Tourterelle, relever de deuil
| LaneSerenade chapter 1 . 12/3/2006
wow that was very beautiful! it would be nice if u did make it into a story _ nice work
| Calixta chapter 1 . 12/3/2006
very refreshing. i like this story...
| Lisa chapter 1 . 12/2/2006
I liked the story. Do you really think you can make a story out of it? I would like to read it ;).