|Reviews for The Illegal Immigrant|
| Strangely Natural chapter 12 . 8/4/2007
That was simply adorable, the scene spacing should be a little clearer, but it was a sweet story with three subplots, nice!
| DarkAngelOfTheWorld chapter 12 . 2/13/2007
very good story
| siddika chapter 1 . 1/4/2007
| mountaineer779 chapter 12 . 1/2/2007
Well, you've got a pretty cute plotline here. It's very much the "true love conquers all" thing and I like it. The dialogue is pretty good and you have some nice descriptive passages. That being said, I have a few things you might want to work on.
Firstly, you have some fairly severe grammar errors. One that stuck out in my mind is "french man" should be "Frenchman." One other tiny thing, "Francois" should be "François."
The Chinese food episode was pretty cute, however, it is highly unlikely that Deidre had never had Chinese food. In France, Chinese food is fairly common, a bit like Indian food in Britain. Also, I'm not quite sure if you really wanted Devontè to be from Versailles. Versailles is a very wealthy, very small suberb of Paris (only 850 people or so) and if Devontè is from there, he would probably be able to move legally. Perhaps you meant he was from Marseilles?
I can tell that you have worked very hard on you story, and you have a fairly good first draft. However, I feel that you've left out some important commentary. The story flies through the plot and the reader is left with little concept of time or place. All of the sudden it's a different day and we're in a different, yet unspecified, place. There are also a lot of details left out. We don't know what exactly Clarissa does for a living and we have no clue why Devontè is in America in the first place. Also there are some logistical issues with your trial scene. Most notably, the prosecutor works for the government, not the victim, and sentencing usually does not take place on the spot. And the prosecutor would have discovered that Georgina runs a brothel and she would have been charged with various crimes associated with that. I could give you more pointers on it if you're interested but you can always watch an episode of Law and Order.
You have some really good ideas here, and there are lots of nice touches. I personally think it's hysterical that Georgina runs a whore house. You've got the structure of a good story, I think you just need to fluff it up a bit by adding more descriptions and commentary.
| Lyn-san chapter 1 . 12/30/2006
It's me, Lyn-san!
Yay! I finally found your story, and as expected, IT ROCKS!
I just have one suggestion though...
HURRY UP AND FINISH THE NEXT STORY DAMN IT!
You've got fans waiting you know... and I have very little patience XD.
Anyways, we'll chat more later.
| youpin chapter 1 . 12/28/2006
| Alenor chapter 12 . 12/27/2006
heya, this is a brilliant story, i loved it ~ Alenor.
| nomdeplume311 chapter 1 . 12/17/2006
Cute story. My one suggestion would be to break it up into chapters. You will probably get more people to read it that way. I thought it was well written though. It was funny for me to read because I have a friend who is English and just married his gf so he could get his green card. Terrible in some ways I suppose, but they had been dating for two years and they seem happy enough so far! Do you have any plans for new stories coming out?
| Angel in town chapter 1 . 12/14/2006
ur story kind of reminded me of those lifetime movies...Anyway, good job...