|Reviews for Captain Skyler|
| crane chapter 10 . 2/22/2007
FORGIVE ME. This review is ridonku-freaking-lously long. I apologize x123098342 in advance!
I have to say, as someone whose love-person seems to have absurdly cold hands at all times, I can really sympathize with Eph. That’s hilarious. I actually can’t say with certainty that I’ve ever read that anyone had cold hands before, which is funny because it happens to me all the frickin’ time. I had a good laugh at that because I saw myself in it – which is a good sign, I think.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THE FOLLOWING, IT IS OVER A PAGE LONG. I just have this burning urge to educate, like a sixth-grade English teacher on crazy drugs of some kind. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THIS. It is about grammar, and the main reason I’m letting you know about it is so that you can write better, not because I’m trying to be all condescending and stuff. I promise that that is the last thing I want to do.
Here it goes. Don’t worry for the characters or plot. Normally I wouldn’t bring grammar up in my reviews, but it’s not a one-time problem in your story. It’s recurring, so I thought I would give you a nudge in what I hope is a not-too-confusing direction.
Your dialogue is really well-written, but you have problems with quotation marks, capitalization and punctuation within strings of dialogue that distract me when I’m reading. PLEASE don’t hurt me for being somewhat OCD.
Here’s an example:
1-Eph looked up, “Nothing important,” he replied, setting the MUG aside, “Why?”
The problem here is absolutely entirely TINY. It’s in the way you’ve introduced the “Why”. See, if you have a strand of speech followed by a qualifier for the speaker (in this case, ‘he replied, setting the MUG aside’), the punctuation which immediately follows the qualifier has to reflect whether the preceding strand of speech is completed or not. That’s… a hugely complicated way of saying that when the qualifying clause-thing (I don’t know what it’s really called) completes a statement, it should be followed by a period. On the other hand, if two strands of speech, which are actually part of the same sentence, are just interrupted by a qualifier, you follow the qualifier with a comma or a semi-colon, depending.
The sentence above is incorrect only because the ‘he replied’ section isn’t followed by a period. The capitalization is perfect.
On the other hand, here’s another example, sort of along the same lines.
2-“Uh-oh, we can’t have that,” Eph said with a smirk, “when Chase is bored, all must fear and know that the end of the universe is nigh.”
Unless the ‘”Uh-oh”’ section and the ‘”when Chase is bored”’ section are part of the same sentence – which I am guessing they aren’t – the interrupting qualifier should be followed by a period, and the ‘”when Chase is bored”’ section should be capitalized to reflect the fact that it’s a new sentence.
Finally, you have the following sentence, which is pretty clear as far as fixing goes:
3-Chase sat beside him on the bed, “what are you going to do about it?”
All you gotta do here is separate the statements by ending the first section with a period and capitalizing the ‘”what”’. ‘Chase sat’ and ‘”what are you going to do”’ are different statements, because there’s no ‘Chase said’-type verb for which the ‘”what are you going to do”’ section is the object.
More succinctly (and in language which more people than just me will be able to understand), if a clause (e.g., ‘Chase sat beside him on the bed’) would work as a complete sentence (which this one does), forget about using a comma to tie it together with the section of speech. The way you space your text will be enough of an indicator that the two parts are associated.
Also, with sentences like the following, you should watch out, because it looks to me like you want to be using the verb ‘said’ with a supplementary participle to complete the qualifying part. So… like… instead of saying this, which is what you’ve written:
4a-“Fine,” she turned back to the two on the couch, “and when were the two of you planning to tell us?”
What you look to me like you want to be saying is:
4b-“Fine,” she said, turning back to the two on the couch. “And when were the two of you planning to tell us?”
(Note that I, like the stupid idiotic grammar police that I am, also went ahead and corrected the end of the interrupt-qualifier-thing and capitalized the ‘”And”’. Sheesh, I’m dumb.)
If that’s not what you want to be saying, then the first section of speech, the middle-qualifier-thing, and the second section of speech should be chopped up into units like so:
4c-“Fine.” She turned back to the two on the couch. “And when were the two of you planning to tell us?”
Which is also a great way of saying it, and just as valid.
ALRIGHT. I’m hoping that this hasn’t been too heavy, and that you didn’t know all this already. Aw man, that would be SO embarrassing, and I apologize in advance if you already knew this. I also apologize for the huge frickin’ deluge of terms and idiocy on my part. I had no idea I could proselytize for a page and a half about GRAMMAR… and such a SMALL PROBLEM.
OKAY. IT’S OVER! But not the review. Strange though it may seem, I am still here.
Is Chase a language person? Again, another small point. He mentions that they named the planet ‘Beta’ because it was second, but says it as though it’s self-evident from the word ‘Beta’. Is it clear to Tyler why ‘Beta’ refers to ‘second’? It seems like a funny way for him to put it – so easily and freely, even though I’m… actually, I’m not too clear on Tyler’s education, which is okay. Ancient Greek is a really cool alphabet, but unless Chase can expect Tyler to know that, or be really clear on the use of the term ‘Beta’ to… second-ify things, I’m not sure he should put it so offhandedly.
I’m still not entirely clear on what a ‘hero’ is for the White- and Black-Coats, but that may be because I recall seeing the term used in a previous chapter in reference to another character. Is that going to be explained? Is ‘hero’ like some kind of title that’s passed down, like a kingship of some kind? I’m assuming the term has political value of some kind, but as a reader I guess I’m in no position to ask that, ha ha.
Overall, this was a good chapter, and the history was well-written. I liked the occasional integration of character-specific remarks into the history bits, and I think you could take that even further, with more interjections or personal comments. As much as Eph and Chase are trying to educate Tyler, they certainly aren’t impartial, and I think the history could be even more heated in the discussion. I really liked things like ‘”getting their asses handed to them on a silver platter”’, the mention of Star Wars, ‘”sick fucks”’, that kind of thing.
I also adore the fact that there is HISTORY here. It’s beautiful. It reminds me, delightfully, of Firefly, with terraforming, and White-/Black-Coats (as soon as I read the terms, I got thrown back to Firefly – I hope that’s intentional? That just made me so happy). Also terms like ‘Old Earth’, although I know in Firefly it’s ‘Earth-That-Was’.
As a student of classical language, though, I gotta say the term ‘NeoTerra’ throws me a bit only because it’s a combination of Latin and Greek and therefore a little incongruous for my stupid overeducated brain. Don’t sweat it, it works. I just have spirals for eyes right now, ha ha.
ANYWAY. That’s my ridonkulously large review. Hopefully I won’t have to e-mail this to you for length. Thanks for another amazing chapter, anyhow. Recall that the length of my review is pretty much proportional to how much I like the story, though? I hope that’s consolation. Ah…
Okay. That’s all I’ve got to say. Hopefully I haven’t drowned you.
| Tainted Blood Lust chapter 10 . 2/21/2007
sorry for the late review...damn school ::shakes fist:: the reason for the split up betas sounds like a childish argument (is not! is too! is not! is too!) lol and Ace is so clueless! but then again he WAS a poor farmer person slave...I guess I have nothing more to say so as always...please write more soon 3
| Rubadub chapter 10 . 2/18/2007
I think I'm going to add it/you to my faves/alerts if you don't mind. I'd also have to say that Chase is by far my fave character... his personality is so lively and fun.
Take it easy,
| crane chapter 9 . 2/14/2007
Heh, I'm really mentally exhausted right now; I would review more completely, had I the mental faculty. I promise I'll write a more comprehensive review tomorrow after I've gotten some sleep, but let me tell you, I find myself hard-pressed to find good sci-fi slash that doesn't die mid-chapter just before the climax of the story. I mean, you did warn us that you hoped that wouldn't happen, but a good portion of the time when you stumble across a story that happens to die, you don't usually feel at too terrible a loss.
On that note, however, I'd just like to give you a big huge thumbs up: encouragement to keep you afloat and writing this. I love the smatterings of sci-fi terminology that actually mean things, I love the use of plants and animals ship-side for resources, I love the idea of Betas. You have a strong skill with exposition and spreading it out over a good enough plot-surface-area that it's not overwhelming. You give the reader what they need, and even use terminology which is apparently self-evident to any normal person in the setting. Awesome job on that front.
Under any more coherent circumstance, I swear to you I'd be more comprehensive and offer you some actual criticisms, but I can't think of anything at the moment. I'll look the story over again later to see if I can offer something useful for you, but you have such a good handle on the word as it stands that I don't know that anything I'd have to say would do you any good...
I guess, in conclusion, I'll just say that you have a style of just the right level of maturity, I find. Not too heavy-handed, because a good portion of the time you're being lighthearted for one reason or another; but you use a weight that allows the plot to actually have bearing. Just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed this reading and that I think it would be a great thing for you to continue the story through to its completion.
| Tainted Blood Lust chapter 9 . 2/14/2007
wow...Eph? a whore? once again...wow...and whore-er stories ::laughs:: you seem to have more of an imagination then me! but then again there ARE the man-eating marshmellows (never can spell that)...anyhoozits hope to hear from you soon! 3
| asweetandtimelyjustice chapter 8 . 2/3/2007
I love the writing style, the characters, the backrounds, and your own personal conception of space... It's a lot like my story, except way way WAY less explicit. So yeah. I loved it, first thing on my favourites list. Huzzah! Oh! And read my story!
| Tainted Blood Lust chapter 8 . 2/3/2007
yay! the infamous Buddha got a username! anyways...I'm still here for y'all and your story...certainly sounds like a conversation with a relative (*laughs*) pwease writes mhores soon 3
| Buddha chapter 7 . 1/27/2007
yay! new chapter! *does happy dance* a fountain of Eph...wow that made me laugh so hard and I agree the chapter is a bit short but that's ok )
| Buddha chapter 6 . 1/24/2007
*german accent* ish good! anyways...um...I'm really having mental block at the moment so...please write more soon (I say that all the time I have GOT to find something else to say)
| cookieface chapter 1 . 1/5/2007
This story is god i luv it. Chase
| turtledonkey27 chapter 4 . 1/4/2007
this story is great! there should be a hell of a lot more reviews on it considering the quality. i'm liking the captain x eph relationship so far-very steamy! looking forward to seeing how it develops. need to go back and re-read the white coat/black coat thing because I'm confused as to which is which. keep up the excellent work!
| zzzzz chapter 1 . 12/15/2006
i like the story so far but i hope that ure not planning to get the kid an the captain together because 12 and and a 23 year old is a bit weird but if ure not then great first chapter :)