|Reviews for Gossamer Web|
| merrymowmow chapter 3 . 4/22/2007
I was wondering when you're going to update?
| Nikette chapter 1 . 3/7/2007
Psh. Show-off...and you copied my idea of a black-haired girl with light eyes, and pale skin...DIDN'T YOU?
| Kira chapter 3 . 2/28/2007
No! I demand more! I wanna know what happened to Bianca!
| Nyx chapter 1 . 2/28/2007
Sheesh, girl. Will you please have some gender sense? It's 'mia amica', not 'mio amica.' Unless you're implying that Bianca's calling Ebony a guy.
| loves him chapter 2 . 1/1/2007
[Am I dead?] I started laughing my head off at this line. I guess that it's because it's so blunt and to the point.
[She had started to feel braver, although she somehow sensed a foreboding in the man's aura] Your use of the word 'foreboding' confuses me. Maybe I'm retarded (which is very likely) but you might want to switch around a few words in this sentence. Also, you're sentence seems to leave the reader confused as to what Ebony's supposed to feeling. Is she brave, despite this scary man or does she start to feel brave, until she starts getting the idea that this man is creepy. If she's supposed to be brave throughout, you might want to use 'She had started to feel braver, even though she sensed the man's foreboding aura' or if she's supposed to feel brave up until she gets creeped out, you could use 'She had started to feel braver up until the point that she got a sense of the man's foreboding presence/aura/whatever word you want to use'.
[although it was if she wanted to] is it supposed to be 'although it wasn't as if she wanted to' or 'although it was as if she wanted to'?
[Suddenly, he was off her, suddenly his stifling presence was gone.] I'd suggest getting rid of the second 'suddenly', because the repitition of the word doesn't really benefit the story.
Ah. What a deranged man this Hadrian person is. But strangely, he seems attractive. Or am I just weird? But great job on this chapter. You described every lovely little thing and I felt as if though the room that Ebony was in, Hadrian, and Ebony herself were so alive. Seriously, great job! ]
| loves him chapter 1 . 1/1/2007
[a pale-skinned, jet-black haired, gray-eyed girl from near the back of the trip.] The description seemed a little rushed and described one too many things about your Ebony character at once. It might sound better if you put pale-skinned, gray-eyed girl and then mention her hair color later on.
[ “Shut up, amica.] amiga I'm assuming? Or does she speak Italian and do you spell 'friend' a-m-i-c-a in Italian? A thought that you'll have to answer for me.
[“Lover’s spat,” added Adrianna in a conspiring stage whisper.] This line had me cracking up. I imagine Adrianna being British, just because I can only imagine this being said with a British accent. xD
[it’ll every work] typo. ever, not every.
[glitteringly pink monstrosity] too cute. And a good job describing the purse without using the word 'purse'.
[Adrianna proceeded lean forward with rapt attention] You forgot a 'to' in there. It would come out even better if you put 'Adrianna leaned forward and proceeded to listen with rapt attention...'
[The Italian girl] Ahh. So Bianca is Italian and not Spanish as I had thought.
[She couldn’t figure out, couldn’t think] Use 'She couldn't figure it out' or 'She couldn't figure anything out' instead.
[why was she running? ...away from what?] I like the questioning. Even though it's pretty easy to figure out that Ebony's asleep, the questions just portray what the reader's thoughts of 'what's going on?' and let the reader (or at least me) know that you don't have to know what's going on at the current point and time.
[but how could a mere dream inspire such a pure, tangible fear that only true life had the right of initiating?] That's got to be my favorite line in the entire chapter. And it makes you wonder, doesn't it, that how can a dream have the right to scare you to death. But seriously, this is my favorite line.
[was sufficient enough a description] 'was sufficient enough of a description'
[I’m withering away for his love…”] I love this Adrianna girl. She seems like she belongs in old England, not the present time.
[Of course, as she foolhardily] foolhardidly you mean? And I'm not sure, but it might be two words. You'll have to look that one up.
[dusty, cobwebby corners] 'dusty, cobwebbed corners' sounds better.
[the uneasy looks which adorned the faces of the other girls] I love the word adorned, but in this case, it seems a little out of place. When I think 'adorned', I think bright, cheery, even of Christmas (adorning a Christmas tree and everything, y'know?) but if the girls are supposed to be uneasy and unsure of their sorroundings, then another word would probably sound better.
[they saw that the room was bathed in bright, golden sunlight, the cause of the remains of some large window] *scratches head* I thought that it was night. If it is daytime, you might want to mention the time of day earlier in the chapter. I guess that it's because of Ebony's dream and the fact that dreams are usually associated with night that I thought that it was night.
[Instead, as though drawn towards it, she trudged towards the mirror in almost a dream-like state] If she's in a dream-like state, you might want to use the word 'floated' or 'glided' instead of 'trudged', because that usually includes heavy footfalls and stuff.
[or those empty eyes, the same shade as her hazel ones] I thought she had gray eyes.
Great chapter altogether. I love your story idea, it's very original, and your character Ebony seems to come alive. You just have a few typos here and there, but other than that, this is great. And oh, one question. Are they supposed to be in Britain? I guess so, since castles wouldn't really be found in the U.S. *rolls eyes* and since I imagine Adrianna to be British what with the whole use of 'lover's spat' and all. But is it Britain or France or Spain or Italy or some other European country?
| Da Vinci at Work chapter 1 . 12/16/2006
Ah. The ever infamous plot of being trapped in a castle. Wonder what's going to happen next.