|Reviews for The Blood of a Traitor|
| Ancamna chapter 1 . 12/30/2006
So here's your first review, finally. This chapter's a bit different from the one you sent me in email, right? First off, I really like it. There's enough action at first to keep me involved in the story, yet you still explain things enough that I learn about the world and the context for the story without being confused. Still, there are some confusing points. The first is that I don't realize that Noct really *is* a horse until about the middle of this chapter. He's called a demon so much in the beginning of this story, that I wasn't sure if he really *was* a demon, or just a really nasty horse. (Because this *is* a fantasy world, so he *could* be a demon.) It's fine for people to call him a demon, but make sure that it's also firmly established that he's a horse. OK, so that was a bit of a minor confusion.
The next confusion is a bit bigger. I think I have a basic understanding of the political situation. What catches me is the names you throw in like the Pack, the Lair, etc. Elisabeth talks about them like she knows what she's saying, which is natural, except that I have no clue what she's saying. The Lair sounds like it's the palace in the capital of Elean. Exect, that can't be right, because the Keep sounded like the place where her father lived, who's the king, right? I have no idea what the Pack is. The Lion is Robert is lord Astor, right? I haven't figured out quite how he's connected, but that's fine, it makes things interesting. The way he's called the Lion, with a capital, it sounds like he's well known. (I'm just laying these things out in case it's not the impression you're trying to convey.) In the beginning it sounded like Elisabeth liked Aeton, like he's an old family retainer or whatnot and she might get exasperated with him, but she likes him. Then later I find out she doesn't really like him... With Wren, it sounds like she has some sort of sibling relationship going on, the way they fight and tease each other. I'm extremely confused as to Elisabeth's reactions to...I'm not sure who he is, actually. The guy who doesn't show emotions - is he the Prince? Wait, if he's the Prince does that mean he's the heir to the N'talian throne? Anyway, for a little bit I thought he was the guy in her first flashback. I looked back at the story to see why, and I think it's because my mind caught on the "gold" part of their eye color and connected them, even though the second guy has gold-flecked green eyes and the first guy's eyes are just gold. Also, because for some reason I thought the two flashbacks were connected - my mistake. Anyway, in the second flashback it sounds like the guy is using magic or something to control Elisabeth because of how she says "He was controlling her. She could not allow it to happen." But then she says that her reaction was because she was in awe of him. And your later descriptions of her reactions fit the second idea beter than the first, so perhaps change the phrasing of those sentences. Also, I'm really confused as to where this flashback is taking place. I thought she hadn't gotten Noct back and had to try and release him, which was how she had gotten caught - her horse got caught and then she did. But you did say later on that she'd gotten her horse stolen twice. Anyway, back to the non-emotion guy. Later when they're dueling, it sounds like Elisabeth's attracted to the guy, not just in awe of him. Which brings me to my next point that Elisabeth seems to have a strange reaction to both the guys, like she's afraid of men - or at least men she doesn't know. Maybe that's part of her history we haven't learned yet, like whatever it was that happened three years ago.
Also, that bit where you first mention her being turned away from the inn, it's only one sentence, is phrased awkwardly. It sounds ok where it is, just needs some restructuring. But the second time you mention that incident I'm confused as to how it connects to the whole affair with the N'talian "raiding" party. (Which the first time you mention it, it sounds like they're connected.)
On a final note, how tall is Elisabeth? I was picturing her average height until you described her sword, and it sounded like she was short. Also, there're a couple places with typos, which I'm actually surprised spell check didn't pick up. I forgot to note which paragraphs they were in, but you should catch them when you do your revision, they're not major. I'll try to remember to note typos in my next reviews.
And finally, to end with good notes. I really love Elisabeth's character. She's fun to read, and I like how she interacts with others. She has enough depth that she seems real, but there's a definite way her character swings. I also look forward to learnin gmore of her history, and the political relationships in this world, between Elisabeth and her family and between the countries. Also, I'm curious as to how the gods are related to in this world. Do people actually meet the gods? Elisabeth says she thinks they don't care, but she never doubts their presence. I look forward to reading chapter 2, but don't have enough time at the moment. Hope my review's been helpful!
| Antiquary chapter 1 . 12/16/2006
I like your story so far. It's interesting, well-written, and I'm eager to see where it's going. That being said, I do have a few questions:
A) Who's Robert?
B) Who's "the Lion"?
C) What are in those letters? Why are Etienne (and his brother whose name I can't remember) searching for Elisabeth-or for her horse? I'm a little confused, which means I probably missed something...
I have two concerns about your story: 1, your chapter is very, very long. I like that, personally, but it might deter some of your would-be readers. On the other hand, I'm not exactly sure where you would split this up. If your chapter were a printed book, this would be a good length-but it's a webpage, so I just wonder if people might bypass your story when they see how long the first chapter is. 2, leaving your story as "Untitled" might also deter people who otherwise would read it. I know you don't have a working title or anything, and I'm really no good at giving suggestions on how to come up with one, but... I don't know, if you can maybe think about where your plot is headed and try and come up with something. It doesn't have to be a good title (it CAN be a working title), it just needs to be something more than "Untitled."
Beyond that, though, I have no complaints. I like the story, and I'll keep a lookout for it.