|Reviews for Mafias are Good at Keeping Secrets|
| AW chapter 1 . 6/30/2014
Ooh! Why did you have to do that! I personally cannot stand when authors begin their story in first person describing their characters. For instance, I read one the other day- "Hi, my name is Aila Green. I have medium length jet black hair and green eyes. I am 5"3 and am very skinny. I weigh 102 lbs. I am not anorexic, though I am very skinny. I have big curves, too." To be honest, you did the same thing- only you elaborated basically all of that. I do not understand why you added numbers. Why was there a need to add that she's 5"4 and 109 lbs? It literally has nothing to do with the story. It would be more tolerable if it weren't in first person and a characterless narrator describe her in the beginning. You also did this when she got kidnapped. If someone was getting kidnapped, one wouldn't notice the color of his eyes or how hot he is or if he's 6"2. Any reasonable person would run and not pay attention to all those details. A good writer can balance character development and the amount of discription the put in that story. You were too descriptive- to the point where it was not necessary. And almost none of your characters matured of developed. Your story definitely suffers because of this.
Also, your plot is amateur-ish. I am disappointed.
| nizza chapter 22 . 5/13/2014
It was a great tale...loved it
| EmeraldHope chapter 7 . 3/20/2014
I almost cried! That is really hard to make me cry while reading. I Didn't even cry when Dumbledor died! (Sorry If I spoiled any thing) I was still really ad though.
| killerqueen123 chapter 16 . 2/27/2014
One - I'm ridiculously in love with this story. Two I wish someone wasn't evil! It can't be the twins and it sooo can't be Andrew or i'll die and I don't think it's Jett. So it's either Mason or Seth? Which is sad because Mason sounds really awesome. And I don't know about Seth.
| Clouded and Instincts chapter 23 . 1/31/2014
I loved this story. I was looking for something similar to this, and I must say that I was not disappointed.
| Guest chapter 6 . 1/24/2014
Am I the only one who thinks she's immature?
| Guest chapter 4 . 1/24/2014
I'm 5'4" and 119 and I wear a size 4. There's no way she's a size 4, she's got to be at least a 2 if not a 0
| Guest chapter 2 . 1/19/2014
You have a lot of misspellong or wrong words like drug instead of drag, composure not composer and quiet not quite. Your work badly needs proofreading. As for the plot it's average.
| AriTakahashi chapter 22 . 1/17/2014
All in all, this was a really good story.
But I must say that some of the characters could of been developed more. I was hoping more Emma to interact with the other characters, like one of the other boys could fall in love with her as well. Or maybe when she was tearing up the dress and Andrew was comforting her, Andrew's dad could of also witnessed Emma's breakdown and decided to comfort her and giver her the fatherly love she never got. Or better yet, have Emma's 'father' realize that he does love her and he tries to save whatever's left of their relationship!
You could do so much with these characters relationships without giving away the traitor. That way you could keep your readers guessing what's going to happen next.
| AriTakahashi chapter 7 . 1/17/2014
I will be honest: I almost started crying after reading this chapter
| Belly boo1099 chapter 22 . 10/28/2013
Aww cute! Loved your story!
| jojo chapter 1 . 8/8/2013
the first chapter was WoW
| Just Honesty chapter 1 . 7/15/2013
So far I have read more than half of the story which I feel is enough to review.
Overall, I think the concept was really good. Two gangs at war with each other and their children caught up inbetween. Generally speaking these kinds of romances are very entertaining...and it would have been but your execution let you down somewhat and what could have been a non-stop-action-thrill-ride was more of a snobby-girl-suck-in-house-that's-super-boring ride. I guess I'm trying to say that this could have been better than it was.
Your story has a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes which takes away from the reading experience.
I also found that, although you had a lot to work with, the character development was poor.
Emma has in no way changed from the beginning of the story to the middle when she has had countless opportunities to grow and mature as a character.
I also found her very rash and emotionally unstable which definitely took away from the fact that I need to be rooting for her. Never once does she mention missing her family or home until her father's letter arrives and then she becomes so emotionally traumatised by her father telling her he's not paying the ransom. Never mind that she has been telling us that she knows her parents don't love her since the beginning of the story and that she doesn't care, so this didn't make any sense when she broke down.
She was also really stuck up and expected everything to go her way which just disproved her case of not begin a spoiled rich girl. You also portrayed her as a thin, healthy, pretty girl at 109 pounds and 5'4...which is quite a it underweight and not a positive image to portray...once again not helping her case against being a rich snob.
Overall, she hasn't been a very easy or enjoyable character to try to connect with on any level and I find myself being fed up and annoyed with her.
Andrew is slightly better but he is also lacks character development and maturity. There is nothing that really makes me like him other than the fact that he is good looking. Otherwise he lacks any trace of a deeper personality. All I know is that he is his father's wingman and he likes to rule the roost. I, also, was unable to connect to him at any level.
Overall, I found the romance in the novel to be rushed. We really had no insight into the characters when they were beginning to feel this way about each other and they severely lacked chemistry. They had no interactions that would have sparked this romance either. Every time they were together was dealing with some trouble that Emma got herself into or caught up in some new argument. The only possible people Andrew could have fallen for were Weepy Emma or Brat Emma...not the real Emma who should have been better than these two.
There were also a lot of issues with the set up of surroundings and the business between the gangs. The story lacked description that was about more than materialistic objects such as clothes brands. I got no feel of the surroundings or the house and the "mafia" didn't seem very realistic - no gang would keep all their top secret files in a room unlocked in the third floor of their house.
As much as I have wanted to enjoy this story, I just haven't been able to due to these issues. I am in no way trying to depreciate the effort and work you have out into writing this and I commend anyone who sticks with a story through to the end, but rather give some objective criticism. I just feel that if you had put a bit more time into refining your writing you would have come out with a story of much higher quality.
Anyway, good luck with any of you next writing endeavours and I hope you take these points into consideration.
| Guest chapter 21 . 5/28/2013
Aha! I knew it was Mason!
| Guest chapter 17 . 5/28/2013
Ooops! Pls ignore my previous comment, Seth is not evil! MASON IS EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!