|Reviews for Pure Instinct|
| Frosthold chapter 2 . 7/17/2007
Great chapter! I loved the phrase 'You’d think that a race with so much prejudice already directed at them would be much more open-minded.' Very funny : D. Great work.
| Frosthold chapter 1 . 7/17/2007
A very good beginning. Kacie has a lot of potential to become an extremely interesting character. I really like her name too!
The phrases in the second para were particularly amazing although the whole thing was quite well written. It's kind of interesting to me that Kacie nearly slept in late since the class started in the middle of the night and she is a vampire after all. Also the way you described her teacher was perfectly amazing, it gave me chills!
I also loved all the history incorporated into your story. It makes very good sense that the race of vampires was born during the middle ages/Renaissance period when there were a ton of scientific break through and stuff. Very well thought out, great job!
| Agapantha chapter 26 . 7/16/2007
'I still haven’t managed to get all the stains out of the carpet.’ lmfao.
'her voice calm, her face carefully kept blank against all inquisitive and searching looks.' I like this - you say calm but it's more like a forced calm and it implies this quite well.
'That was somewhat unsettling.' the power of the understatement,
'the group grew quiet' just sounded nice.
'Kacie looked out of the window to delay answering and was surprised to see that daylight had sneaked up on them.
‘Sometime today.’ woo love it!
Another great chappy Hol - Keep it up!
| Agapantha chapter 25 . 7/16/2007
Umm, just negatives again? otherwise I'll be here forever.
ok, umm, I dunno why, there's just something about the first paragraph that I don't like. And, I hate to be negative you know but your first 5 paragraphs are all the same length. just something that needs to be looked over me thinks. XD
'success spelled out in their brown depths' ok, so i liked that.
umm, the beginings of 6th 7th 8th 9th and 10th paragraphs start. Kacie, Kacie, Carmen, Carmen, Kacie. That just kinda jumped out to me.
Ok, that was honestly all. And you know with me I'd hav said if I'd found anything else. It ends in plots and plans? I wonder why Isabella wanted them to fall for each other.
| Agapantha chapter 24 . 7/11/2007
Ok, so I said no positives this time for speeds sake, but I just loved these paragraphs:
'The minutes passed by and the group slowly lapsed into a silence that they were as reluctant to break, as they would be to break a mirror. Time seemed to lag as they kept their ears precautionally pricked, ready for any sound. Wary. Slowly, steadily, a sound reverberated through the darkness, echoing through their skulls.
Soon Luis and Kacie had to cover their ears in pain. Due to their supernatural hearing, the sound was too loud for their sensitive eardrums. Surprisingly, Jake also covered his ears shortly afterwards, much earlier than a human would’ve needed to. It seemed his shape shifter talent brought other features with it.
Questioningly, Kacie raised her eyes to the sky: the source of the sound. She saw something black, alien, metal. It was a helicopter.'
'They alleyway was beginning to fill with the stench of the dead anyway.' Love it
'Jake…’ Kacie began, voicing his name in a deceptively angelic way.' Love it - and it makes me want to find out what they're going to do to him.
'The four in the back of the noisy machine huddled together on the padded seat, wincing and frowning amusingly in their vain efforts to block out the sound of sharp metal blades slicing through the innocent air.
The noise had a beat to it, a terrifying rhythm that, if misjudged or miscounted, could prove to be fatal. No ordinary dance beat.
Kacie felt as if she were marching into battle with the wordless war cry of a million swords all around her.' Ek - Goosebumps!
'It was time for old friendships to be reaffirmed and new ones to shine with promise. It was a time of war but also one of trust. The ultimate paradox.' Lovely - an awesome chappy ending - you were right - poetic.
And yeah, I know, So I couldn't find anything wrong and put the posaitives in anyway? So sue me.
| Agapantha chapter 23 . 7/7/2007
You write: 'No one complained' but then, in the next line you write 'Yuck!’ Jake exclaimed' well, that kinda sounds like a complaint to me.
HEY! I recognise this chapter!
'admonished' good word.
'Meanwhile Tobaii began to sit up. His body moved with disjointed, unnatural convulsions; it was sickening to see. Eventually he got himself into a sitting position and once there he adopted a stance of meditation, beginning to sway gently, rhythmically, from side to side.' great description.
'Luis made it clear that he really didn’t care much either way' lmfao.
'The war will start in three days. There is a planned surprise attack on our allies. There are traitors among us! Isabella must be warned otherwise terrifying things will occur.’ Tobaii predicted ominously.' theres nothing wrong with this, I just think that maybe it would be better if it was written mmore mysteriously - it doewsnt really sound ominous and there isnt any challenge in working out wat it means.
'The last part of the whole' brilliant drama
'A cry of the despairing desperate.' kind of the same thing - what about despondant maybe?
'Jake kept his mouth shut, trusting Kacie’s expertise and awaiting further instruction. Kacie looked around in all ' Just a subtle thing, but, between these two sentences you need a new paragraph - you changed the viewpoint.
'They were silent runners, running to save their lives and keep their freedom.' you know I love that sentence.
'To Jake, shape shifting was as natural as breathing.' *nods in respect to the writing prowess* good. 'canines out in defiance' and ' It appeared even cats have no fondness towards half-breeds' they're all great sentences.
'screening their mind' screening its mind maybe?
'worn out from the running and the battle, all his adrenalin spent' good, they dont just win and its all yay - he's tired, that's good attention to detail.
Yay - your poetic chappy! Love it (as per usual) although I have to say I found the fighting a little clunky. Maybe shorten some sentences? add some drama.
| Agapantha chapter 22 . 7/6/2007
Hey, hey, finally got round to re-writing this review. *rolls eyes* How much of that have I been doing lately?
Ok, before I start - the formatting's a bit messed up - I think it may just be something that happened as you uplaoded it but you might need to sort it out.
'planes have trays of processed chemicals' so true.
'Jake assured her through a mouthful of food, not even bothering for her to arrive before tucking in, scoffing everything within reach straight down his protesting throat.' Aw, he's so sweet.
'Jake’s voice was serious, cold, and ready for a fight' yeah, I really love him.
'she used her hands to slam the two boys’ heads together so that they made an audible crack' shakes head - she's awesome.
'Well, try the right house first and if that’s not it then try the other one.' look, he's so sarcastic too!
'saving her the trauma of having to touch the filth-encrusted wood' one ofr the team, eh?
'Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.' Love that phrase.
'The man winked, attempting to flirt' double aaw. He's great.
'psy-psy-psychic or something'
'W-w-what did I ever do to you?’ Tobaii asked, calming down enough to talk, locking his puppy dog eyes onto Kacie.
‘P-p-please don’t kick me again.’ He pleaded, his bottom lip quivering pitifully.' so sweet.
'We look.’ Kacie announced in a determined tone.' I love this - she's blatantly done the least helpful thing but she's still determined to be in the right.
Well done Holly - another great one up! I haven't met a single male character who I haven't found endearing yet, you make them sound so soppy! aaw
| Virage chapter 20 . 7/4/2007
Good chapter, a fun read. But first thing's first. I think the transistion between the Council and Kacie and Luis was really confusing. I had to read over that a few times because of how quickly it jumped to the new enviroment. I would suggest a break of some kind and just having two seperate scenes, are using more locational description when you do switch so we get a better, more concrete setting.
Umm, the next bit that's been bothering me as of late is how easy people flutter between emotions and expressions. One second Kacie is embarassed, the next she's glaring, then right after she's acting mischevious. Take this:
Slowly, ever so slowly, Jake’s grip on the parchment slackened and it spun mesmerisingly, edge over edge, to the floor. Jake’s healthy complexion was short-lived: he was now as white as a sheet.
‘Where do we go from here?’ Jake asked, looking beseechingly into Luis’ eyes, reaching out for guidance.
‘I-I don’t know!’ Kacie wailed despairingly.
‘I do.’ Luis had stopped shaking now, his confidence regained.
Jake goes from "It can't be that bad" to pure fear, then despite how much he dislikes Luis, he's "looking beseechingly into Luis' eyes, reaching out for guidance." And then Kacie wails despairingly; she always struck me as the one with the guts and bravado, the badass one.
This is all my opinion so maybe this doesn't bother anyone else. Actually, it might be your language too. You might be using verbs that are too strong. It always feels like there's an exclamation point over everyone's head. Showing passive action can work just as well as direct action. I dunno, its hard to explain what I want to say.
Well, those are my thoughts for this chapter and maybe the previous one or two. I'm not sure how far back I noticed the trend. But like I said, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the odd one out and everyone else likes the way you've been writing. In any case, the story is still good and I'll be looking at the next chapter soon. Keep it up. Oh, and some grammar mistakes here and there.
| Agapantha chapter 21 . 7/4/2007
i feel alone. *sobs* and yet u love me so its ok. its ok.
'Beaten, dirty, sweaty and travel worn, Luis, Kacie and Jake arrived at the Barcelona terminal. It hadn’t been an enjoyable trip. Luis had spent the whole flight pretending to have an angelic personality whilst Jake had spent the whole time trying to pierce this guise with snide comments and Kacie was left the referee the fray.'
love it. Already.
'The flood of tourists in the terminal was disconcerting at the best of times but in her current mood Kacie was shifty, on the look out for trouble. Surprisingly, considering Kacie’s track record for finding trouble, she found no hostiles, only a friendly welcoming to the country. This came from a plaque that a uniformed chauffeur was gripping tightly in his clenched hands and holding over his head. It read:
‘Kacie Carter, Jake Brimstone and Luis Harcourt, this is your lift. Welcome to Spain.’
Curious but cautious, Kacie alerted Luis and Jake to where she was going before strolling over to find out how the man knew their names and who he worked for. The boys were still trading insults; they had barely heard what she’d said. Regardless, Kacie left them to it and approached the smartly dressed man that held the plaque.
‘Hola?’ Kacie offered tentatively.'
Still loving it.
'ice-cold, cutting' love the way the 'cutting' just backs up the 'ice-cold'
'The butler sighed' thought he was a valet.
Oh, is Alberto a vampire? oh, no then?
'Luis had managed to catch sight of all their bags' u can add vampires, u can add shapeshifting, you can add wierd hidden documents, but I will not, WILL NOT! allow you to have the luggage arriving on time - its just too unbelievable *sobs*
'Their jaws still slack in shock' lovely
'white was continued throughout the room, trimmed with a rich chocolate brown.' s my house!
I dont understand - i thought Carman and Colette were on the same side, and both against the council, so why does Kacie seem to be saying theyre saying different things even though theyre not? - yeah that bits a bit confusing for me.
Yes, Tobaii is a great name.
Anyways, I think u can tell i loved it, update asap, u know you want to.
| Agapantha chapter 20 . 7/1/2007
Oh, Holly, Mine's all genius. No only joking, and I'm sorry but there's too much genius in yours for it just to be flashes, more like, hmm, an overriding genius that just needs to be refined a little by your loyal edittor? how does that sound?
Yay - you sorted out my stupid question what I asked you ages ago! They do remember her!
Umm, your switch overs from one scene to another were a bit confusing but I liked them, it was like a fade as opposed to a cut.
'becoming their new vintage, in house, sixteen year, beverage' lmfao.
'Jake’s eyes pointedly looked from Jake’s arm to his outstretched hand and back again' - I'll let you find the problem.
'strangle him maybe but not shake his hand. ' look at the genius shine through.
'Slowly, ever so slowly, Jake’s grip on the parchment slackened and it spun mesmerisingly, edge over edge, to the floor' de dum de dum de dum crash - like slow mo, awesome.
'That’s power' and that's amazing
Heehee - now ima talking poetic. REALLY TRULLY LOVED IT EEK, GOT GOOSEBUMPS HUN
| Virage chapter 19 . 6/30/2007
Okay, finished this chapter too, and I have to say, I disliked and liked it. Kacie and Luis in the same bed? That's only a little odd. Wouldn't she have made him sleep on the couch or something? I thought she was the high strung type. I did like Colette though, her reactions were funny. Her misinterpretation was funny too.
Jake took a backseat in this chapter, which is alright since Kacie and Luis had a few moments together lol. Colette instigating some of it. But I really would like to see and hear more about Jake's strange powers. I'm sure they'll come up.
There were also some minor grammar mistakes, but you can probably catch those yourself. The story is starting to get interesting. I'll try to read your next chapter when I get back from vacation.
| Virage chapter 18 . 6/30/2007
Ahh, a nice chapter. Things moved really fast in this one. I'm a bit suprised at how Kacie and Colette reacted, but I don't know what to think of it.
Hey! I've been on vacation! I thought I told you that. I haven't been home for almost two weeks. And I'm stuck...ahem, allowed to stay here in Phily for a few more days! But I don't have internet so I haven't been able to do anything as far as...anything that involves internet.
On to your story, the conversation between Luis and Kacie was intriguing. They talked a lot about the bits of background, the ancients, war, and council, and even hinted at the documents. I can't wait to see what turns up.
| DetachedAngel777 chapter 19 . 6/30/2007
Hm...it sounds like Kacie has a crush on Luis or is it Jake?
and i thought Colette was in charge of Luis not the other way around? It sounds like some things are going to become very interesting. Update Soon!
| Agapantha chapter 19 . 6/29/2007
Ah - dont worry Holly I'll keep reviewing 'cos I have to I go 2 school with you remember. So no matter how awful this story is I'll just ahave to keep going. Heehee. u no that's not true. Luv 2 read it, love to review it.
'long since past first light' - passed.
'Kacie raised her eyes to the ceiling, as if to thank all that she believed in for Jake’s well being.' I like - all that she believed in - that sounded really great.
'Were it not for Kacie being on hand, he would’ve gained a close association with the headboard.' lmao - genuinely laughed out loud.
This one made me laugh even more. 'Jake’s eyes soon fluttered shit.' just a typo but one i think you should change nevertheless.
'when you have nothing else ' they? maybe would be better. Actually I think this whole paragraph needs a little rephrasing. you've never mentioned flexibilty before.
'young vampire' that's good, i liked that.
'huffed' is that a word?
'not having judged Kacie to be one who is worn out easily.' I'll let you sort that one out. heehee.
'The blush of one who has been falsely accused.' excellent verbal comeback - me likies.
'She felt Luis and Kacie would make an attractive, well suited, couple. Her fiery looks would compliment his dark mystery perfectly, or so she felt.' Awesome. I love that, it almost seems to say the whole vampire mentality - they are a beautiful race and that just kinda suggests how they think - appearance over personality.
I'm not going to put it down here - but your conversation wwith Colette about the documents is very good.
'they’re more powerful that most other vampires’' 'it' as opposed to 'they're'?
Wow brilliant - I like the commanding Louis - nice touch. Also loved the cliffy at the end but maybe if you finished it with an ellipse it would hold more sort of like 'read on now' (yeah can't explain it.) but it would be better with an ellipse.
Ek - brilliant really true. so where's the next one? huh?
luv ya - great great great work
| Agapantha chapter 18 . 6/18/2007
Another great Chappy Hol, What can I say? You have to love weak Jake. There was just a bit too much information shoved at the reader tho, without description or pause - like Jake's kinda species? ifn thats the right term, and the upcoming war. They were just accepted by the characters and didnt give the reader enough time to understand. You also did that thing again where u used the wrong name, and there were some grammatical problms too, it just needs a bit of a re-read s'all. Again - awesome chapter, keep it up!