Reviews for Pure Instinct
Virage chapter 14 . 5/23/2007
Well it took me a while to get to this. I'm suprised at how long it was, though how short it became once I started reading it. But I think I've decided on how to look at your writing style. It's very objective, but also laced with mental actions rather than physical ones. Alot of times you're showing what characters are thinking and how they're processing that information, sorta of like a mini-character bias. I think that's what your style tends to focus on. It's much different than my own, so forgive me if it takes some time to get used to. Kacie and Jake have a lot of mental tension between them, but it feels like something is missing. Physical tension maybe? It probaby doesn't make sense, maybe that's not it. If I figure it out, I'll be sure to tell you. There were also a couple of grammatical mistakes, but nothing serious. The language is still strong and the plot is steadily working its way to something big. The cliffhanger was nice, but I want to go out on a limb and say Jake is totally a witch. That's my two cents. If what I think is going to happen, happens, then it should be pretty exciting. But I also wonder how the documents will go on; the search sounds like it could be quite an adventure.

lftnc
Agapantha chapter 13 . 5/18/2007
Heehee - 'i can get a snack once we're there' (I just had this image of a crazed Kacie atacking men in busniess suits for a quick snack. bugger - no smilies, i really fell ijn a cheesy smile mood.

'Kacie sighed again, exasperated, and yanked the covers off of Jake’s protesting form' I hope he wears pyjamas. O, he does. *smiles cheesily* and Don't blame me.

kk, there were some tother thing s tht i noticed n if u want me to show u send me the document. gtg now, will read chapy 14 Tomoz. Ah, I want to put up another of my chapys, but i cant do it until Wed. Ah!

yeah, I gonna stop acting like a crazy fol and wave goodbye. *waves goodbye*

Code Name: Agapantha

P.s. I blame the pancakes,u no im nt rely crazy. hint hint.
Agapantha chapter 12 . 5/18/2007
Hey HEy HEY!

How's u? wo, I finally got round 2 reading this chapy! But Im still 2 lazy to review properly (or even spell rite) Um. Yeah gr8, but ima fraid m gonna hav 2 ask a stupid question again. (If u hit me on Monday I will personally see 2 ur deth)Why does Jake change so quickly? Why do u need to add shape shifting in the book? Why doesn't Kacie try and sahpe shift? Why is Jake so perfect at shifting? Why is it so easy? Shouldn't he call out in pain or summat? Ops that was about a million questions. Sorry. *smiles in an anoyyingly childish way*

Umm, and to go completely agans t my whole 'only dealing with big things unless u send it to me across msn sos i can daw across it in big perdy colours' TIs nt Surrealness, tis surreality, probab;y i think. Yeah...

C ya on Mon.

Agapanatha
puppymobile chapter 14 . 5/17/2007
"The plane ride long over and dealt with, Kacie’s enthusiasm was quickly waning. The plane ride," Plane ride twice, doesn't sound good.

"That’s where they are now: in the taxi. Kacie had fallen asleep within half an hour of getting in the car; she was exhausted. Jake however, was far more used to travelling, he knew how to pace himself. The taxi was on the way to their hotel in the east of Lyon; Isabella herself had booked it for them." OK, this is a bit weird. I'm not sure why, it just doesn't sound right... Maybe it's the prestent tense and the past tense all mixed together, i dunno...

"Taxis had a unique atmosphere to them Jake found:" Try changing the word order to: To Jake, taxis had a unique atmosphere to them. He found:

"she didn’t want to get lose…or locked out" Again, another typo, lose should be lost.
puppymobile chapter 13 . 5/17/2007
Right-o, LOADS to say about this one.

"Jake groaned, fully occupied with being in that happy warm, comfy place half way between sleep and wakefulness, as if you’ve got one foot in reality and the other blissfully in some faraway distant land." You put this in second person, and it didn't really work... consider: Jake groaned, fully occupied with being in that happy warm, comfy place half way between sleep and wakefulness, as if he had one foot in reality and the other blissfully in some faraway distant land.

"Her barefoot feet pattered along the thick rugged floor, her feet sinking in its depths as a rhino through quicksand." She wouldn't be able to patter if her feet were sinking.

"Isabella greeted her warmly/" You've probobly already changed this, but there is a typo here. lolz

"In silence, Kacie followed suit: their time was dwindling away, fast.

They’d arrived." You could do with a break here, it's a bit jarring.
Virage chapter 13 . 5/8/2007
Ahh, what a touching scene. Isabella really is a wonderful character considering her really shifty personality. There were some delightful comments, my favorite being "busily bossing around insignificant humans" that was hilarious. Gee, I wonder who's POV that was lol.

Ok, there was alot of great characterization, but again, the story is sorta slow. Lots of talking, probably to help characterization, but didn't move the plot as far as time goes. But they are on the plane now, or at least, getting ready to board it, so I imagine the conversations will decrease and the action and suspense will start up again! And don't feel bad, I'll tell you the truth right now, I'm extremely terrible for drawing out scenes that probably shouldn't be drawn out. I tend to do a ton of character conversations and not enough plot points. It's something all writers are working toward, and hopefully, something they'll overcome.

lftnc
Virage chapter 12 . 5/8/2007
Some typos early in the story, and toward the middle. The language reverted back to higher language, and at this point, I don't really care. You should go with this and use it as your style for upcoming chapters. And of course, when you get the chance, go back and redo the early chapters. Who knows, maybe I'll even reread them if you revamp it enough.

As for what's working in this chapter, the characters were still nice, but overall it felt a little slow. I'm going to assume this to be the calm before the storm. And you said yourself the story was short instead of a really long story, so I'll be looking forward to the next chap. But Jake's transformation was a bit of a suprise, I wonder what purpose it'll serve later. And the mission, I can't wait to see what kind of things happen on their mission. Sneaking bits of Jake's past was also nice.
Agapantha chapter 10 . 5/5/2007
Sorry I forgot to review this chappy, will do now!

Just wanted to tell you that the plot is starting to wassa word? you know, like the snow ball that rolls down the hill and gets bigger and bigger? anywayYou've gone from beginning to middle and I want to read more!
Virage chapter 11 . 4/29/2007
Very good chapter, all proffesional in the like when taking the vocabulary into account. Kacie is still the hardnosed bitch (pardone me) while Isabella seems to barely put up with her. I really like both their characters but I'm going to miss Isabella.

One thing to keep in mind is your language. It's great, in fact so great, you REALLY need to go back to your previous chapters and rewrite them. Maybe not now, but when you finish the story its going to be one of the things you have to do. Right now the story is sorta broken up into segments, and with each chapter there are definite transitions of you getting better and better at writing. You're also finding your own little niche.

The chapter is relatively short because of the dialogue so I didn't see a whole lot to complain about. The dialogue is really good and it's well within character's reason. Jake respects Isabella, Kacie doesn't, Daniel is still the weird mysterious guy, and Isabella still shows her love to him, Jake, Kacie (albeit a less open one).

lftnc
puppymobile chapter 11 . 4/26/2007
You're writing them faster than i can review them! Right-o, first of all,

"‘Do you truly believe that Kacie, r is that just what you’ve been brought up to believe?’ "

Typo! And secondly,

"Isabella was angry now due to her emotions were so passionate on this particular subject."

This doesn't make sense. You've kind of described it twice. It may just be me reading it wrong, I dunno.

"Kacie’s voice was dreamy; she was still half inside her memories."

I LOVED this bit. it shows a great use of discriptive writing and really helps the reader visualise what Kacie is doing. It was just one of the great bits in this chapter, much better than in the previous one.

"‘So,’ Kacie turned to face her mother, sitting adjacent to her, ‘is everything finally ready, no more phone calls to make, no toothbrushes that we’ve forgotten in our meticulous packing?’"

The word 'meticulous' is probably not one that a normal person/vampire would say, it's up to you, but I would change it to something more commonly used, like thourough or fussy. That's all I've got on your chapter BUT I would like to say why aren't you review my story when I consistently review yours and this is the longest review I've ever done for anyone ever so you should feel very privileged AND I'm going ice-skating on the 27th (tomorrow) and I am REALLY looking forward to it. Keep on writing!
Love is a Ring Toss Game chapter 11 . 4/23/2007
This might come across as totally mean but some of your words seem like you hacked up a thesaurus and then chose them out of a hat…The meaning are right but it seems like some words are really forced! I agree one hundred percent with puppymobile and now that its been said I can’t ignore it… I hope i haven't upset you, there are good things in your story too!
puppymobile chapter 9 . 4/17/2007
just to add to what i put in on chapter 9, you need to experiment more with nice sounding words. words that just roll off your tounge, words that are nice to say. also, in chapter 9, you need to work on your wording. like here:

Having studied the conundrum of her newly freed emotions during her feeding extensively, Kacie knew that there was no easy way to solve the mystery. Due to this, Kacie had decided to delay that train of thought, banishing it to the very back, and rather dusty, unused corners of her mind, a distinctly human characteristic.

You use Kacie's name twice in a row, and it sounds a bit naff, if that's the right word.
puppymobile chapter 10 . 4/17/2007
OO! well then! first of all, yes it was a great twist, and not at all predictable. THAT IS GOOD. secondly, there was a little bit that didn't male sense, a typo i think: ‘It all began so very long ago from now, back in the th century-‘ WHICH CENTURY? keep on going, it is a great story. sorry i didn't get to see you over easter, i was looking forward to it as well. review my book too, you haven't done in AGES.
Agapantha chapter 1 . 4/17/2007
Ha i told u i was gonna review all urs ha ha ha u no wat i think so ill shut up now
Virage chapter 10 . 4/16/2007
Well I'm glad Daniel was brought back into the story, and now the reason they hunted him makes sense. As for Kacie leaving, I liked the idea of documents in the old countries of Europe, good stuff. The story was really well done and the language...was a bit different. I'll elaborate more. I liked the characterization of the characters through their dialogue, especially Isabella and Daniel. It sounds like you'll be leaving them when Kacie and Jake head to mainland Europe, but maybe not. I still feel there are a few secrets left with the Council which I still can't wait for.

Ok, the language. It was very...very different than your other chapters. You were throwing lots of high vocabulary and talking like a lawyer trying to weave sentences together to make them sound pretty. Don't get me wrong, there were some lovely sentences (I especially liked the sunset) but I think there were some really long sentences with lots of extra words.

"Having studied the conundrum of her newly freed emotions during her feeding extensively, Kacie knew that there was no easy way to solve the mystery. Due to this, Kacie had decided to delay that train of thought, banishing it to the very back, and rather dusty, unused corners of her mind, a distinctly human characteristic."

Like, you'll know when you reach your style of writing, but compare this to your other chapters and you'll see what I mean. I think its good you're going through different styles; keep at it and see if you like this type of writing language, one that's really high and almost businesslike. Maybe you can even combine the two of them. Just be careful with wordiness. Read it outloud to yourself. If it sounds a little off, then make the appropriate changes. But I think this was a really good chapter.
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