Reviews for Forgotten Sands (original version)
Hyde chapter 3 . 3/26/2007
Nice fight. I must admit that I didn't expect Zora to come. She really got messed up good. But I liked the ending of her fight. Miro sure was a psycho. I hope Shira will get defeated soon to.
Hyde chapter 2 . 3/26/2007
Quite a chapter there... I liked its deep and the fight that's coming on should be very entertaining. I must say that you always know how to make a plot good. Now I'm anxious to read the next chappie!
Hyde chapter 1 . 3/26/2007
Nice, new story. I must admit that the idea of centring it around thieves is quite an original idea and the world seems interesting too. Too bad Halan is such an asshole, but besides that I love it so far!
Erich Sturmburg chapter 3 . 3/22/2007
Heya! Outlaw-2 here,

It's been a long time since I last reviewed. Guess technical exams was extremely important to me. Anyway, onto the review.

I have to say, the battle scene is well thought out, though there are some incidents that felt a little 'fantasy'-like, but hey, this is, after all a fantasy prose, right? And that antagonist, Miro, I think the word 'sadist' fits as his nickname very well. The battle once Zora was injured had me going, since she's been limited, and you did it well.

However, this is by the far the chapter that contained the most spelling errors and wrong word usage. You may want to recheck once again to take note of the errors. Other than that, it hooked me up well.

Frankie chapter 3 . 3/19/2007
Nice... pretty scary, but nice.

I'm glad Zora managed to win her fight and hope Halan will do the same, coz I grew to like him. I must say that I hope you'll continue this story. It has a lot of potencial.
Frankie chapter 2 . 3/19/2007
Great chapter! I like how this story is evolving and I must say that it ends up pretty well. Consdiering how good you are at describing battles, I suppose the next chapter will be awesome.
Frankie chapter 1 . 3/19/2007
New story, huh?

I love it! The characters aren't really good guys and the plot seems intriguing. Plus an original world at that.

Can't wait to read the rest of the chapters!
Dude Boy chapter 3 . 3/8/2007
Really brutal one there. But I still liked it. It's amazing how you presented Miro's sanity. It made me freak out a bit. Only one thing: Zora's leg... it seems to me she managed to used it a bit too freely after the piercing. But besides that it was awesome!
Dude Boy chapter 2 . 3/8/2007
Nice... at least Halan stopped being such a d**k. And I must say that a cliffy like that makes me egger to read the next chapter, so I'll just sum this up with a short: GREAT JOB!
Dude Boy chapter 1 . 3/8/2007
Wow, the new story is really good! I like the idea of the world and the main characters seem pretty original (though Halan... well, you know).

Certainly an interesting start! Off to the next!
Eve-lyn chapter 3 . 3/1/2007
Wow, Miro's a real sicko... but the fight was good. I like the way you shown Zora's not so weak and that she managed to overcome the pain in her leg. I think I know where you were going with that :)

This story is truly going great and I hope you'll update sometime soon!
Eve-lyn chapter 2 . 3/1/2007
Nice chapter. It's great to know more about Zora. It's a nice touch. And what an end. I sure hope Halan will be alright, coz I just began liking him.

Off to the next!
Eve-lyn chapter 1 . 3/1/2007
Cool, a new story! I must admit that this one seems at least as good as "Dragonblood"! Thieves as main heroes are a nice idea and the world itself is original. I wonder what's that weapon Halan uses (though I don't like the guy too much).

Can't wait to read the rest!
WhiteWolf Kyoko chapter 3 . 2/26/2007
Nice job on the new chapter. :) Wow Zora sure got a nasty wound on her leg from Miro. I can't imagine how painful that had to be. And I must agree with Zora that Miro is sick and twisted with his "crimson art" fetish, I'm glad she was able to defeat him.

I can't wait to read the next chapter! _
Charming Dice chapter 3 . 2/26/2007
Like always, I'll list the things I found that were right and wrong.

The first problem I found here was that you didn't mention where characters were in relation to the objects around them. Were they in the center of a room, or near a wall, or anything else? As their position changes, you should tell where the characters moved, instead of just telling how they moved (somersaulting, charging forward, etc.). Since you said you like giving a good picture of what's happening, that's a great way to do that.

Your way of describing pain could use some work, but it's nice to see that you're trying. You'll get better at it over time, so don't worry.

Another issue I found is that your characters think and talk too much during battle. If they're fighting for their life, there shouldn't be time to hold conversations or to think deeply about any subject. There's room for quick thoughts (short sentences), but not a whole paragraph. Unless you want your characters to be shown as unfocused and inexperienced in battle. Then their minds can wander all day long, because they don't know any better. If that's what you're aiming for, then what you're doing is fine. If not, then I'd shorten the thoughts and dialogue until your characters are out of danger.

Halan really disappeared during the fight, didn't he? Where did he go, anyway? One moment he's fighting, the next he and Shira are just gone. Did they stop fighting to watch Zora and Miro, or what? That was confusing.

Last thing I noticed is how unrealistcally you portrayed Zora's injury towards the end. Her leg was ripped up, but she could still jump on Miro's back? I know it's fantasy and all, but that just shouldn't happen.

Okay, on the positive side, I'd say that this was entertaining at points. I still think you overdescribed their actions for the most part, but that fit sometimes. Your writing is less wordy, which is a positive. Still needs work, but you're on the right track.

Overall, though, I'd have to say that this was the least enjoyable chapter of the three. Your writing improved, which is good. Unfortunately, this wasn't very exciting, it had little character development, and didn't progress the plot very much. Even worse, it was long too. I found myself losing interest halfway though.

Nice job ending the chapter, though.
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