|Reviews for Forgotten Sands (original version)|
| Kaos Ninja9 chapter 1 . 6/11/2010
This is a great story!I really like the idea of the desert setting and Zora is a great character. I always love reading a good thief story, but unfortunately there don't seem to be many good ones, so I'm really glad I found this one. I can't wait to read the rest of the chapters you've posted!
| naito-kun chapter 1 . 6/10/2010
i like zora and how her character's developed here, especially how her weakness is shown at the end in contrast to how she was acting earlier in the chapter.
| HatedLove6 chapter 1 . 6/4/2010
It's a little interesting, plotwise, but the grammatical errors are distracting. I'm not an expert either, I still need improvement myself, and after reading all of the reviews of this chapter, there are still some questionable things. I agree with some, but I am not sure about others.
The first thing I notice is how you started your story, 'The story that I'm about to tell you happened long ago…' To put it bluntly, it's cliche and I am immediately turned away, but because of the summary, I stick to it. There are tons of stories that I've read with that very first sentence, and so it gets tiring. It's that sentence that seems to have confused some readers too.
You started out using first person, but then continue on with third person. I don't see how it's confusing, because the narrator (kind of) introduced himself by saying that first sentence, but after that, he's telling a story that could have been passed down from generation to generation, so it should be in third person. That's how I interpretted it though, so I could be wrong.
Next is word choice. Maybe you listen to stories and spell the word you thought it was, but it wasn't. When you described the desert as 'traitorous,' I think you meant to say 'trechorous.' Traitorous is usually used to describe a person who betrayed someone, not a dangerous landscape.
Then, when you started to describe the town you used 'you'd heard.' I would never use the "'d" contraction, because it can be two differente tenses, had or would, so it takes the reader a few sentences to figure out which. And 'heard' should be 'hear.' So the sentence should be something like, "At first sight the town looks peaceful, however after further investigation, you would hear:" I changed 'look' to 'sight' because if you have two of the same words in the same sentence, the flow is a little rocky, and I don't think the colon is necessary. I noticed you used that a lot, but really, try avoiding it unless you are about to list something or make a dramatic point.
You also use the triple periods a lot, and that's another unnecessary punctuation too. I usually only use it to end a sentence I don't plan on ending correctly. For example, "Oh, well... Um..." Something like that. You should replace some of them with commas or periods.
The grammatics on the dialogue needs a little work too. For example '"Stop thief!" a loud yell...' It should be '"Stop thief!" A yell...' After the exclamation point, or a question mark, a new sentence begins (doesn't matter if it's dialogue or not), and 'loud' isn't necessary because you use the word 'yell' which would imply that it would be loud.
I could go on and on, but these are just some of the more persistent errors that can be easily fixed.
Don't get me wrong, I really do like this story, and I have a few questions that you'll probably answer later on in the story, but the grammar is very distracting. What helped me is reading a grammar book, boring I know, but it helped. The best book that I've read so far when it comes to English grammar is 'On Writing Well: The Classic Guide to Writing Nonfiction' 30th Anniversary Edition by William Zinsser. Granted, it's normally for nonfiction, but really, fiction and nonfiction are the same when it comes to grammar rules, the only difference is content of the story. It doesn't just talk about punctuation and tenses, it goes into clutter, style, usage, transaction and other things that are important in any piece of writing.
Another grammar book I recommend is 'Essentials of English' 5th Edition by Vincent F. Hopper, Cedric Gale, Ronald C. Foote, and Benjamin W. Griffith. This book is more simplistic and easier to understand.
I'm not saying that you have to buy these books, or whatever, but I'm only recommending them. I would recommend them to everyone really, even a few 'professional' writers could stand to read a grammar book.
| Another Troubled Writer chapter 1 . 2/15/2010
This is awesome! I love it! Can you please read my story? 'Which One, Which One?'? Please?
| Really Annoying One chapter 11 . 1/7/2010
So the guardians appear... I must say this is getting very interesting... it'd seem there's gonna be a lot of fighting and not all of it done by Folko and Halan (Zora doesn't seem like she's gonna be fighting in this arc). I wonder what exactly is Drakkan and those two, coz I have a feeling you're leaving them in their hoods for a reason.
Update soon, coz this is great!
| Really Annoying One chapter 10 . 1/7/2010
Wow... nice chapter. I see some eastern-reference and I really liked the part with rising that temple. And the ending is just evil! How can you leave us with a cliffy like that? Zora better survive somehow!
Off to read more!
| Really Annoying One chapter 9 . 1/7/2010
Wow, at the end of his fight Folko sure looked badass. But speaking of endings, the one in this chapter was certainly intriguing. I do hope you'll look into it further soon. And the premonition is interesting. I want to know what this Serpent Lair is about.
Off to read more!
| joedaspartan chapter 4 . 1/6/2010
"Not my type" i hope hes not gay...
| joedaspartan chapter 3 . 1/6/2010
nice action i liked the flow of it but i think you should in the future break up the fights into pieces instead of huge chunks
| joedaspartan chapter 2 . 1/6/2010
nice feels a little like one piece but i love it so fat
| joedaspartan chapter 1 . 1/6/2010
Good story so far. Just one mistake i saw and it was something little like ever vs a/n in the middle of the story are kind of distracting but i wanna see what happens next
| WhiteWolf Kyoko chapter 11 . 12/29/2009
Awesome chapter! Cool now guardians have shown up, I can't wait to see how this goes. Oh and definitely can't wait to find out what happens in the fight between Halan and Zonan.
| Luna the wolf dancer chapter 1 . 12/28/2009
cool story D you'll hear from me more soon enough, this is going in my favorites
| Hyde chapter 10 . 9/8/2009
Good start... somewhat rushed, true, but I still liked it and with so many opponents, I wonder how will you break the fights, especially since neither Zora nor Dhalia seem to be in condition to do battle. Plus such a cliffy... you must update soon!
| Hyde chapter 9 . 9/8/2009
Great ending to the arc... I loved the way Folko beat Habib. Man, he's scary. And that premonition. Off to read more!