|Reviews for Pain|
| MiScHiEvOuS sMiLeS chapter 1 . 7/7/2007
old or not, it's still written beautifully and portrayed quite well. i really do like how u paint the pictures of how everything is and then concluding what it all leads up to in the end. very well written!
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 1/1/2007
First off, punctuation. You've only got one period, a number of commas and a misused semi-colon. I'd definitely recommend revising all of your punctuation. A good exercise is to read it out aloud and where you pause slightly is a comma. A longer pause is a period. Whilst doing that, think about the uses of a semi-colon, do you need to put one in at all?
I'd also almost recommend stanza breaks. I think even though this is short, you could definitely use them.
In regards to capitalising the first word of every line, it's more an old tradition in poetry rather than a rule and I think that in this piece (and most contemporary poetry) that it simply detracts from the poem.
Now, for the language of the piece. I think starting both the first and second line with "I'm" doesn't really work. Instead perhaps something like:
"I’m throwing away all my pain,
leaving it here and
forgetting it for good."
It is a simplistic piece however and unfortunately you do use some cliched imagery that I would definitely recommend changing. "my broken heart" is so overused and really doesn't add anything here. I'm also not sure about repeating the first three lines at the end to frame it. I think you'd have to reword that section to make it stronger before repeating it.
Although the idea behind this is cliched, I do see some interesting and personal imagery here.
Hopefully I was of some help.