|Reviews for The Heir of Life|
| nightfuries chapter 2 . 12/30/2012
And that's the second chapter done! Renner's a cute kid and Perera's still neat, though sometimes I find the shapeshifting a bit disconcerting. But it's cool :)
Just a few things I noticed:
"Pere laughed and took out their grinding stones, a concave slab and a round stone Renner had picked up on the riverbank, and which they would leave behind when the traveled onwards."
- I'm pretty sure that last "the" should be "they"
"By placing the round stone on top of a root and pushing, twisting, and otherwise roughhandling it, Renner could grind the roots into something resembling in look, texture, and taste and handful of wet sand."
- I don't think that last "and" should be there
Other than that, there were a few run on sentences, but for the most part, it was great! This mystery at the end of each chapter is killing me though :) Onward!
| nightfuries chapter 1 . 12/30/2012
Intriguing first chapter! I'm really liking this so far, and can't really think of any sort of concrit... Except maybe the bit Perera murmured sounded more like thoughts than something you'd say out loud. But that might be just me :) Overall, I think this is a great start to the story! You've got a mysterious baby, a shapeshifting traveller, and an unimpressed horse. All good story elements :) Can't wait to read on!
| C.M.F Wright chapter 1 . 2/13/2008
A promising introduction. Perera seems like quite an interesting character - a shape-shifter? Your beginning seems rather archetypal - the foundling story - but there's really nothing wrong with that. You do an excellent job describing just enough to keep the plot moving but not so much that it overloads the reader.
It's hard to find concrit for this story, but here's my pathetic stab at it:
His gray coat was pearl(-)colored in the morning light, with a stripe of black down the horse’s muzzle.
The child still had his fingers entwined in Pere’s hair, now he gave it a hard jerk. - I think this should either be two sentences or have a semi-colon.
| Narc chapter 2 . 1/28/2008
Hm. This chapter didn't really seem to be going anywhere until the very end. There were no problems, nothing to deal with, and what could have been an argument about where they were going fell short. All-in-all, it felt like most of the chapter was spent describing the place they were at, which it seems like they're about to leave anyway.
A couple of technical notes:
There was a little bit too much passive voice, in my opinion, although not so much that it slowed the chapter down. Just something to watch out for.
Numbers, unless they're very large, should be written out.
The way you refer to Pere as both 'Pere' and 'the traveler' is annoying. The way you write it, it makes it sound like you're talking about two different people. Come to think of it, I haven't yet seen you use just 'he' when you're talking about Pere. Is that intentional because of his shapeshifting abilities? I just don't see why you don't.
| Narc chapter 1 . 1/28/2008
I thought this was a good beginning, although the ending was a bit off, to me. I felt that by telling us that Pere figured out the baby's past then and there, you took away an air of mystery that you had been building up (even though we as the reader haven't learned the truth yet).
'Peculiarly all right.' doesn't work for me. 'All right' is such a neutral statement that it doesn't fit with 'peculiar' at all. I would say that it seemed strange that there was nothing wrong.
The description of his horse seemed a little too much for that place and time. I was rather intrigued by Pere's magic. You did a good job of showing just how much he is capable of by the way that he was able to turn himself into a woman.
| Shang chapter 1 . 1/21/2008
Well, thus far it's hard to say something concrete about this piece. For one thing it's certainly... mysterious seems to be the best word. Basically there's no telling what's this story will be about from this first chapter and it's length kinda leaves much to wish for.
It'd appear Perera (btw, is Pere and Perera the same person?) is a shapeshifter of some sort. That's pretty original and I wonder how that aspect will be developed.
The descriptions are done nicely: not too poetic maybe, but they're okay. And besides I always believe that it's the plot is what counts, so... One thing that annoyed me a bit however was that at the beginning you used 'and' several times in one paragraph. Maybe it's language difference, but in mine something like that is accounted for as a grammar mistake.
Overall the story is intriguing and I'll read some more when I have more time (my exams are coming so my free time got limited). Take care.
| The Ferrett chapter 11 . 4/25/2007
The ending is nice although abrupt. good job. ::))
| The Ferrett chapter 8 . 4/25/2007
The end caught me unexpectedly but the rest of the chapter although nesesary is much of a non-event.
| The Ferrett chapter 7 . 4/25/2007
I still don't trust Saeo.
O WHAT! The freak. They killed all those children to make him? Definitely not cool.
Curious twist at the end but as a whole definitely not my favourite chapter.
| The Ferrett chapter 6 . 4/25/2007
Kreia's reaction makes me feel she might be a bit attached to your hero.
You know there is one question I do ask, and it only just occured to me. If they know how to work steel woudn't they use it in weapons, I mean that's what usually happens.
Won age? (damn did it again.)
Is Saeo trustworthy that's all I have to ask at this chapter.
| The Ferrett chapter 5 . 4/25/2007
Is this where the teller dies?
A random... curious.
Pere info subtle little autho you.
Steel? Wow. Another one of those subtle modern add ins. Does you steel-workers add any Nickel or Chromium? To be more precise though, there is a certain balance in carbon to iron ratio that produces the best alloy. As carbon ismincreased it actually makes it more workable then later more brittle (if you know this um sorry, I just like commenting with my uni works - it's study with enjoyment.)
So missing not dead. My bad.
DRUIDS! Yay. ::))
| The Ferrett chapter 4 . 4/25/2007
Attraction! hehe. This makes it more... curious, more because of the way it's being played than what it is. Hm. Last lines make something. I'm not sure what. !))
| The Ferrett chapter 3 . 4/25/2007
what is the white road named (if it is the White Road, my bad, and yours. That's about the only grammatical/spelling alteration you're going to get from me if you're looking for those.)
A C-section - in that time?
Renner's story a nice little slide. m.
A little curious about the reaction... is it attraction or recognition.
| The Ferrett chapter 2 . 4/25/2007
Why the female form again? It makes me wonde if female is Pere's natural form.
The fear of water is not odd but fairly curious. The characters are well built and plotline seems to look on the up and up. ::))
| The Ferrett chapter 1 . 4/25/2007
So Penera's able to shapeshift. Fun. The whole baby on the rock thing reminds me of the changeling myth, but it's your story. ::))