|Reviews for Dragon Soul|
| kat chapter 4 . 4/10/2011
please continue the story
it has a good start
| anonymous chapter 4 . 1/3/2008
I want to see where you go with this. I like it so far. More Prince Ash, please!
| Speak To The Dead chapter 4 . 1/3/2008
okay, the writing here is perfectly fine. that is, no spelling errors, grammatical mistakes, awkward sentences, etc. on this site, that is quite an accomplishment.
and there is nothing actively wrong with the plot or the storyline. it's cliche to a point, but you kept it pretty fresh and original. interesting mythology, good setting, so well done there.
but it all feels kind of hollow because we really don't know much about the characters themselves. the character grey seems like a loyal, honest person, but that's the only side of his personality that we see. he's very one-sided. we don't really see things from his point of view, we just see him acting brave and noble, and that is kind of boring. that's because most people don't always act brave and noble. since most of the other people with talent powers seem to be greedy and power-hungry, it makes us wonder why grey remains so honorable. his character is rather flat and one dimensional.
it would also not hurt to explain a bit about the secondary cahracters, such as the king and the prince. as a reader, i didn't see exactly why grey was protecting the prince in the first place. explain the actions and plot a bit better to keep the reader from being confused.
someone else mentioned the thing with italics. please don't make an entire chapter in italics. not only is it harder to read, but it serves no purpose. actually, you should probably remove that entire flashback chapter and just rewrite it as straightforward narrative. why start chapter two after the action has taken place, just to have a flashback in chapter three? why don't you just write the narrative in chronological order? flashbacks are annoying and needlessly complicate the narrative structure. and italics should only be used for emphasis, in short amounts.
you obviously know how to write, but you need some practice and some patience. spend some time developing grey's character, as well as the other characters. get rid of that useless flashback and skimp on the italics.
and good luck with the rest of your writing.
| Greg Charleston chapter 1 . 3/1/2007
This is a very gripping beginning. The descriptions are excellent. I don't write stories myself, but this is one of most interesting I've read.
BTW...Did you know you misspelled "apologise" in your bio? It should be "apologize". Just FYI.
| Largish Field chapter 3 . 1/27/2007
Chapter 3 Review:
Sorry. I didn't read it. You can guess why.
| Largish Field chapter 2 . 1/27/2007
Chapter 2 Review:
NO! Not an 'N' followed by an indeterminate
number of 'o's! There a multiple ways of expressing the length and loudness of a
scream, and different authors can choose different methods depending on their
style. For example, I would write something like:
"No!" cried a voice. Although the brief nature of this two-lettered phrase may suggest otherwise, the speaker took 2.6 seconds to finish his scream, elongating its final vowel sound to emphasize his horror, terror, sadness, happiness, or whatever emotion it was he was trying to convey with his voice, which was raised terribly and led to a desire for earplugs.
Of course, this passage does not match your style, and you would probably prefer a different method. Although I must say that holding down the 'o' key and publishing the results appears unprofessional, it is admittedly difficult to convey meaning in a small space without using this method.
But enough about the first word of the chapter. Let us move on to the next: “Grey.” Hm. Not much to say about this one. Skipping ahead to “Ah now he recognized it.” Please add commas where you pauses are intended (and sometimes in places where pauses are unintended.) Same problem with the sentences containing 'boy' in the first chapter, which I neglected to comment on because I didn't feel like it at the time. “Company wasn’t he correct term, community would be more like it.” Just pointing out a typo, and I would like to add that the comma should be replaced with a dash or semicolon.
As another reviewer requested, please start new paragraphs when different people talk. As it is, the text jumbles together, people's voices running, crashing, blending with each other, their lack of commas allowing them no pauses as they stumble over choreographed sentences and spit out formless, unstructured ideas. “Ah, master slow down,“ says Grey. Master slow down indeed.
Also, I should have checked my last review for errors; I reread it after posting it and found quite a few. Ah well, at least it is still mildly understandable. I won't check this one for errors either, since I am lazy. Good luck deciphering the sentences where I completely leave out certain clauses.
| Largish Field chapter 1 . 1/27/2007
Chapter One Review:
Let me start off by saying that stylizing memories in italics annoys me. Since italicized words are difficult on my old and tired eyes, it would be use them sparingly, like those sugars at the top of the food pyramid. It is possible to convey a flashback without slanting all the letters to the right. Nonetheless, this is a minor complaint, considering that the offending passage only lasted a few paragraphs. I'll forgive the capitalization of Responsibility that followed the familiar lecture on the steep slope of the exponential 'power versus responsibility' graph, and compliment you on your concise but informative method of exposition, which led smoothly into the 'real' story, which is what most readers rush towards anyway.
I found the Basilisk-powered girl amusing, a picturesque character. Although I tripped part of her dialogue due to the interruption of a description of her methods, I formed a clear mental picture of the crowned woman. This picture, however, was nothing compared to the one created by the next paragraph, where the diction abruptly took a nose dive, assaulting the story with beautiful description. Unfortunately, the last paragraph popped a hole in my aesthetic balloon with the repetition of "drained" and the stereotypical reappearance of the boy's master.
Overall, a decent beginning, but my final call will depend on the next two chapters.
| adorima chapter 1 . 1/25/2007
Your first chapter was pretty captivating and pretty well written. It had a good hook to it and took us into the action of the story quickly. I liked how you used the internal, moral conflict that Grey is having in the introduction. It makes for a more intimate look into the main character and his dilema. I really felt for him when he was put in a situation where his inner conflict grew into an external conflict that effected others, not just himself. It hightens the drama and relevance of his scruple to the story.
Though I have a couple of criticisms. Spelling. Easily fixed, but watch it, it get's confusing when you mean inhabit and spell "inhibit". You also move quickly from idea to idea. It makes for a more well-rounded idea when you elaborate on the previous sentence. (ask me if you have questions about what I mean)
Good job all in all!
Keep writing. I'll read your second chapter.
| Golddefender chapter 3 . 1/15/2007
It explains a few things, but the end seems a little rushed...
Simply due to the fact that that scene occured in chapter one.
Spelling mistakes, quotation errors...nothing major, but enough to be noticed.
Why buy 2 pies? How large are they?
I hope the next chapter will be the start of a straight-forward plot. These first three chapters take a little thought to organize on a timeline...
| YK Author chapter 3 . 1/15/2007
I feel the need to tilt my head to read this chapter...anyways it's a good idea to tell the flashback in italics. Beware- in the third paragraph you forgot to put in a ". And please start a new paragraph when someone new is speaking. You're confusing me here.
I find myself liking Ash. Good characterization of him.
Great cave sequence. But I wonder, was it necessary to make it a flashback?
| Ross Sweeney chapter 2 . 1/11/2007
Nice little story you've got going. I really like the imagery at the end of the first chapter...it almost flowed...um...I guess, lyrical would be the best word to describe it. Keep it coming!
| YK Author chapter 2 . 1/8/2007
You've always been good with making up original names. "Marian the Vipress"...very nice!
Oo, story time! With all this leading up to something, I hope that the something's gonna be good!
| Golddefender chapter 2 . 1/7/2007
Nice transition chapter. Interesting to know that the Master guy can know who's listening in on his conversations...
Keep 'em coming!
| YK Author chapter 1 . 1/6/2007
Oo...very gripping beginning. Please don't neglect this story! :)
| Golddefender chapter 1 . 1/6/2007
You already know what I have to say about this story. I look forward to the next chapter.