|Reviews for The Lady, The Mage, and The Warrior|
| insatiablehunger89 chapter 5 . 6/29/2007
interesting...the last sentence is a good cliffhanger.
| DarkBlysse chapter 5 . 3/5/2007
Don't apologize for taking awhile to write this. We all get lazy somtimes. * Some more than others, though... *Shifty eyes*
"Where then could she hide?"-You need some commas in there. "Where, then, could she..."
"...unfortunately they were so secret that Gwen knew nothing of them."-If she knows nothing of the secret passages, how does she even know that they exist? That's a distracting inconsistency, at least for me. It would work better if you said "...unfortunately, Gwen knew little of where they could be found" or something like that. She either knows NOTHING of them (which means they might as well not exist) or she knows of them, but just not where they are, or maybe something needed to access them. Maybe she can find one, but doesn't posess the key/magic/spell/something needed to open it.
Oh. That's soo cool that Gwen's making the door look just like the wall around it. I have to admit, I thought she was pretty screwed until that happened. Good job!
"...seemed both quick, and agonizingly slow." -Nix the comma.
"The constant flow of power through her, and her singular focus on the door put her..."-There should be a comma after "door".
"...where she blocked out all her other senses, including feeling how tired the effort was making her."-The latter part of this just doesn't seem to jive with the rest of it in my mind. Fatigue isn't really a sense, so it might be better to put that into another sentence. "..where she blocked out all of her other senses. Her need to concentrate was so great that she even numbed herself to the aching fatugue that steadily ate away at her strength." Or something like that, if that's not quite your style.
Oh, snap! Write more! Write more! I want to find out what happens. Gah! Write more! *Calms down* Sorry...just a tad hyper today. ;
Okay. Great chapter. I don't think it was too short. It's kind of nice to get some shorter chapters and some longer ones in a story, I think. Anyways, great chapter. Your writing's improved with each new post, which is great. Keep up the good work, can't wait for chapter six!
| DarkBlysse chapter 4 . 2/7/2007
Alright, another chapter! *
Dude, harsh. That hit me hard when Gwen found Alex dead. :(
"Edward managed to get his footing however, and recover before his opponent could deal a killing blow, and for a few moments he fought back with renewed energy, and Gwen’s hope soared that he would win his fight."-You should really try to break this up into a few sentences instead of one long one. Maybe describe how Edward looked and reacted when he regained energy. Did he smile triumphantly, having saved his life (if only for a moment) or did he yell at his opponent in anger?
"...feared for the man who had raised her’s life."-Just a small type-o. "...feared for the man who had raised her," would fix it.
Hmm, don't know if I like the "Clash! Clash! Clash!" thing. Just my opinion, though.
"...with not a thought that she was stepping over..."-"with not" just sounds really weird. "Without a single thought..." would sound better.
"...and Gwen would have though that his armor..."-Just forgot the T at the end of "thought."
"The blade met Edward right at his neck, and Gwen would have though that his armor would stop it, or at least slow it down, but it must have it right between his helmet and his breastplate because it sliced clean through his neck sending his severed head flying over the crowd."-Two things: 1)This would flow better if you broke it up into two or three sentences insead of one long one, and 2)Criminy! Sure didn't see that one coming. I was shocked at the image of his head just flying off, but I have to admit it made me want to giggle as well. ; Well done!
Whoa...that one guy's got problems. I like the fact that you had him chopping people down as he was making his way to Gwen. That really built suspense.
"...and the tree’s and flowers began to wilt..."-No apostophe in "trees."
"...but in time she realized that any power she used (as uncontrolled as the power within her)..."-The part I put in brackets just sounds...odd to me. The wording's just weird.
"...or bringing injured me to her..."-"Men" not "me."
Great chapter, once again! Can't wait for the next one! *
| DarkBlysse chapter 3 . 1/23/2007
O.o...What's NaNoWriMo? I'm so lost...
Woot! 'Nother chapter! *Hyperventilates*
"It was not long after Alex left to go meet his father at the gate, that Gwen left the room to follow in his footsteps." -Nix the comma and it's fine.
"...to keep their blood flowing to warm their extremities."-This sounded kind of awkward to me. I think it would sound better without "thei extremities" on the end of it.
"...if I know you are in where it is safe."-Did you mean 'inside"? It sounds funny as just 'in'. You should probably change it to 'inside' or just taking it out would work, too.
"And it will make me more comfortable to..."-Seems to me that since she's protesting, this should be 'but' at the start and not 'and.'
"...it would be difficult to see exactly what their enemy was before they were nearly at the castle." -'Before' sounds out of place. 'Until' would work better.
...O.o...I don't know much about living in or defending a castle, but it seems to me that if the army's been rallied and they're anticipating an attack, it would be smart to raise the draw bridge BEFORE they can see the enemy. But maybe that's just me...
*Giggle* I laughed when Alex lifted up Gwen and started carrying her. Good description in that part, too.
"Her arms were pinned at her sides from his crushing grip, but she kicked out with her legs with all her might, but her soft toed boots were deflected easily by his armor."-It sounds odd with two 'but's in the same sentence. The first one could be changed to 'and' without messing with the sentence.
"...and no long wishing to argue..."-Small mistake: should be 'longER."
"...and at another ladder another archer fell."-You used 'another' twice in the span of, like, three words. It's really repetitive and you should probably fix it.
*Bounces up and down* Yaay! Battle scene! * YayayayayayayayaYAY! ...X.X;;...
"She could sense tears in some of his internal organs, and she concentrated hard to pull the edges neatly back together and seal the tears."-Repitition again with 'tears.' There's loads of other words you can use instead.
"...small group of men waiting for her healing, had turned into a crowd."-Don't need the comma.
"A few of the men she checked, it was too late for, they were already dead."-Can you try rewording this? It just flows awkwardly and doesn't sound right.
Great chapter! The battle scene was really well done and you did a great job with the end. Can't wait for chapter four! *
| Counting Petals chapter 3 . 1/22/2007
We've got what she's seeing, and her reactions and emotions. What is Gwen hearing, or smelling during the battle?
| Counting Petals chapter 2 . 1/16/2007
I don't blame her for wanting to be more than just some woman he shares his bed with. Poor Gwen.
| DarkBlysse chapter 2 . 1/16/2007
I'm back for more! Can't wait to see what happens next...are there really men in the woods? Oh, I can't wait!
"Castle Vallede was not a large castle." Redundant. Take out one of the "castle"s. Mayeb splice it into the next sentence?
"It was stark compared to her room, the lack of plants being the main difference"-maybe it's just me, but I assumed that his room wouldn't have plants in it, him being a Lord and not a mage. If you agree with me, then go ahead and take that but out.
"It was a huge bed and it looked so empty"-take out "so". It's way to casual and doesn't describe anything. If Gwen was saying "His bed looks so empty with only him in it," it would be fine, since people use that in their speech all the time.
"It's going to sound a little crazy..." I actually LOLed at that. I love that line so much! XD
"but the though of an attack"-just forgot to put the 't' on the end of 'thought.'
"Who would attack us? Why would they attack us?"-too repetitive. Also, just one of those alone would sound fine, but both of them are just such basic sentences.
"Gwen left Edwards room"-you just left out the apostrophe in 'Edward's'. (Sorry if I'm too nitpicky. ;)
Hee hee. I loved it when Alex pounced on Glen. I could see the dirty little look on his face (lol), and I could only imagine what was going through his mind. *
Just like the first chapter, your main flaws are too many commas, starting sentences with pronouns and names, and not using contractions in the dialogue.
Gah! There's not another chapter yet. No! I can't wait to read more-the story's great. I'm adding this to my alert list, too! *
| DarkBlysse chapter 1 . 1/16/2007
The story started off great. Just a few little grammatical errors.
"Its four posts, were ornately carved "-just take the comma out and it's perfect.
I love the bedroom. I'm a complete nature freak and now I want a room like that for myself! God, that would be a ton of plants to water...
"Her husband of only a few months had initially protested at having his room filled with plants, but since they served a purpose beyond just Gwen’s love for them, he had eventually relented, with only a little prodding from his father, Sir Edward, Lord of Vallede castle."-this part would work better if you broke it up into a few different sentences. With so many commas, it's a little overwhelming and distracting. (Don't feel bad, though. I use commas like they're made of candy. ;)
"For Gwendolyn was a mage..."-I dunno if it's just me, but this just sounds odd as the start of a paragraph. If you could work it into the middle of a paragraph it would sound better. Starting it with "for" just makes it sound like there should be an explanatory sentence before it. And I think the entire sentence would work better if you reworded it. Maybe something like, "Gwendolyn was a mage and drew her power from plants, as mages did." Hmm..the sentence at the end of that paragraph, "Also she had grown up that way," seems like it was added on as an afterthought. It doesn't fit in where it is and its choppiness really distracted me.
Okay, you start off with the main character being called Gwendolyn (a cute name, BTW) and then about half way through you randomly start calling her "Gwen." You should try to stick with one or the other, or only have her called Gwen by other characters, such as her husband.
I like the foreshadowing about the people being glad about her having all the plants. It hooked me and made me want to keep reading!
"At first she was afraid, because it was not her that had drawn the power in, like every time before, but this time, the plants had pushed the power into her."-Trim out some of the commas here as well. And at the end of this pargraph, when it says she wasn't in control, I found that to be redundant. You've already said that the plants pushed the power into her, and not her into them, which means she's obviously not in control.
Whoa, I love the plants talking to her. It was really surreal and spooky. Good job with that! *
"The words were clear and calm in contrast to their message, but the messenger is unseen."-you said to mention if there was any present tense left. Just change "the messenger IS unseen" to "the messenger WAS unseen."
"Gwen realized that she was not hearing the word out loud, but within her. It was through the power running within her." -Splicing those two together into "Gwen realized that she was not hearin the words aloud, but through the power running within her." That just gets rid of the repetition of "within her."
"She turned to Alex and shakes him awake"-more present tense. Should be, "Shook him awake."
"Alex wake up. There is an army of men in the forest, they are heading this way." I think the dialogue here sounds too formal. She's panicking (or at least mighty freaked out), so why all the formality? Use contractions-"there's an army...they're heading this way..."
"she pulled her winter dressing gown"-I don't think we need to know that it's a 'winter' dressing gown. It doesn't add to the story, and the reader will already know what a dressing gown looks like, so you don't need to describe it.
There's one thing that really irked me throughout this chapter. You seem to have a tendancy to start sentences with "He, She, Gwen, Alex, etc." It's really repetitive. Start sentences with other words. Be creative with the structure.
Overall this is a great story. It drew me in right away and the intrigue of the plants kept me hooked. I'll be back to read more soon! *
PS-sorry for the length of the review. ;
| MystryBright chapter 1 . 1/15/2007
NaNoWriMo? I wanted to do it, but when I first discovered it, it was late November, and I didn't have enough time to start from scratch. So I'm doing JaNo instead :)
Your story sounds fascinating! I especially like the first line...great hook!
There's just one thing that I have a question about...it seems like sometimes in your narration, you switch between present and past tense. It gets a little confusing, sometimes, so I was wondering whether you did that on purpose or not.
Besides that, great story! I hope to hear more soon!
| Shdwphoenix chapter 1 . 1/9/2007
Your wording is fine. It's not like any of us really know what it's like for plants to talk to us, so how you describe it is largely up to you. I understood just fine.
Like your other reviewer, I'm not sure why you changed tenses partway through the scene. It's distracting and upsets the flow of your narration, so you should go back and edit those tenses when you get a chance.
Why did Sir Edward adopt Gwen? She's just a commoner, right? It's a little sketchy, IMO, for a lord to take in a child of the lower classes just because her parents died. On the other hand, if her mage powers are inherent and Edward wanted to cultivate that power for his own purposes (not necessarily selfish ones), that makes more sense to me.
I like that she and her husband aren't in love, so she's acting in part to get a little respect from him. It's a nice change to see an arranged marriage that actually succeeded in a fantasy story. XD
This is a good start. I can't wait for the next installment!
| Counting Petals chapter 1 . 1/8/2007
"All and all it was a fairly simple room, except for one striking trait." You'd already mentioned in the beginning of the paragraph that it was a "fairly simple room", so this here is a little redundant.
"because it was not her that had drawn the power in" It should be "she" here, not "her." Ah, grammar, how I love thee. -gags-
"Gwen looks around in confusion, and down at Alex who is still sleeping peacefully." Umm, is there any particular reason you switch tenses all of a sudden? You were in past tense up until here.
I'm glad that NaNoWriMo went better for you than it did for me. I only reached about 12k, and now I've decided to edit it, I'll never finish at this rate. Anyway, I can't wait to read more. And I wouldn't worry too much about the whole drawing power from plants thing, it's a great concept and the wording didn't sound lame at all to me.