Reviews for In Plain Sight
Kaia Zeffirelli chapter 17 . 4/29/2007
As usual, I loved it! I can't wait to read the next chapter! :)
Coquijontas chapter 1 . 4/28/2007
Fascinating cliff-hanger you have here which grabs the reader’s attention from beginning to end. This was an enjoyable read. The mystery of why and the questions raised really draw the readers into the story.

The point of view voice has a soothing and trusting effect that convinces the readers the story is real.


At eight, (COMMA) I wished she ((NOT WAS) were a boy, so we’d be identical.

Last time we were there, (COMMA) I had amused myself trying to creep up on her and make her scream.

She was determined to prove she was braver than I was ( NOT me).

As far as twins are, (COMMA) concerned half an hour might as well be a whole year.

I skid (NOT skidded ) her bike to a stop by the edge of the road where she had dumped mine.

It was turned dark (NOT a dark ) silver against the burnt orange sun in the sky.

I rounded the corner, coming out at a level area matted in dense low-lying (NOT low lying) grass.

I scanned around for my sister and as I looked towards the peak of the hill, (COMMA) I found myself staring at a man with a cigarette hanging from his lips.

Somehow, (COMMA) I know that if she’s in trouble I will always be able to find her.

True or not, (COMMA) I ran in the direction of the sound, following my instincts.

I know the intonations of her voice as (NOT like) I know those of my own, and her scream was more than just afraid.

She was standing there - her wide-eyed (NOT wide eyed) gaze fixed on something I couldn’t see.

Overall, I think your story is great and needs very little editing.

Keep us hanging,

Kaia Zeffirelli chapter 16 . 4/22/2007
I know I've said this, like, every chapter, but this is an AMAZING story! You describe every moment so well, it's almost like I'm there, in the story! This has got to be my all-time favorite fictionpress story! It is incredible! :)
mandrake-o chapter 16 . 4/21/2007
Awesome. Eight chapters more is too long. You don't need to force yourself to stretch it out. Unless you really want to, of course. But I was getting the "close to the end of this story" feeling. Eight more chapters means you're only two-thirds of the way through the story... which is barely more than half (lol).

) Mandraco.
Lalaith7 chapter 15 . 4/16/2007
Curse you! Curse you and your horrible penchant for cliffhangers you evil, evil author.
Kaia Zeffirelli chapter 15 . 4/16/2007
poor zach! this is such an AWESOME story! PLEASE UPDATE ASAP! i NEED to read more! )
mandrake-o chapter 14 . 3/28/2007
I wanna know what happens next... because this story is awesome.

) Mandraco.
Kaia Zeffirelli chapter 14 . 3/27/2007
awesome! i want to know what happens next!
mandrake-o chapter 13 . 3/16/2007
Why should anyone complain about the tango? Except where one is expected to learn it to the tune of 'Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps'. But I found that fun as well as funny.

I find Zach's constant contemplation of his sexuality amusing. Poor fellow.

) Mandraco.
ultima esperanza chapter 13 . 3/14/2007
i just found this story and am really enjoying it - hope you update soon!
Lalaith7 chapter 13 . 3/13/2007
Oh, do keep the tango, I love it, in fact I actually went out and got the first Gotan Project CD(s) and now I listen to them in the car and drive my little sister and friends crazy by turning the bass way up (sometimes). Anyway, thank you for updating, your chapters alway make me smile. Both Max and Zach are such complex characters with messed up lives (Max's past/Zach's blindness etc.) it's pretty cool.

Thanks again,

Kaia Zeffirelli chapter 13 . 3/13/2007
you are a very good writer! this is an awesome story! )
Kaia Zeffirelli chapter 12 . 3/12/2007
This is such an awesome story! please keep going! )
not magical me chapter 11 . 3/6/2007
cool. your story is good, but also the longest one that interested me so far. i feel sad about that, i don't know why, but keep the chapters coming. please and thank you?
mandrake-o chapter 11 . 3/6/2007
Hey, just read this. It's an absolutely awesome story. And you left a cliffhanger that I was rather upset about, so at least you know I'm now emotionally attached to your story.

) Mandraco.
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