|Reviews for War of the Creatures|
| S. N. Sedivec chapter 5 . 5/24/2007
A nice little short chapter.
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to this chapter. I have been rewriting my story and just lived through my first college finals week. Anyway enough about me... more about you...
This chapter seemed like too much of a summary of her feelings. Draw out her emotions and uncertainty. Think of a crush you have had in the past and you had to work with them on a project or something (because that is just your luck right? -happened to me all the time) and then try and remember how you felt when you worked together.
You are here to tell a story, so make sure it's a complete, detailed one. Like I tell myself every other sentence when I write "Just because I know this story backwards, forwards, and in three lanuages (it seems), doesn't mean my reader does. Show them exactly what (I'm) you're seeing."
If I had a quarter for everytime I told myself that very sentence...
| Lord Leachim chapter 5 . 4/27/2007
Teenage romance, the killer of science fiction. Maybe I'm just cynical, but introducing a cute love subplot into the story seems very contrived. I think that Tani would have more important things to worry about. You know, like training and fighting demons and avenging her family. Having the handsome young man enter the story and the female protagonist fall head-over-heels in love with him stops the story in its tracks. You didn't spend a long time on it, thankfully, but even that little bit was too much for me.
People in traumatic, difficult situations like that don't engage in interpersonal relationships the way safe, healthy people would. Tani and the others are rebels in a dismal world, barely able to stay alive against the demons. They have no technology, no comforts, they barely have enough food to survive. Every day is a challenge to even survive.
Tani and Kale would not be going on cute little walks. Tani's whole life has been hard and rough, full of death and despair. I don't think she would be sentimental or emotionally stable enough to fall in love like that. Just because they are both attractive young people does not mean they would have the same emotions as attractive young people today. The world they live in would shape their emotional state, and since their world is hard and unforgiving and full of sadness, they would be the same way.
But like I said, maybe I'm just cynical.
| Lord Leachim chapter 4 . 4/27/2007
"I woke up the next morning and my eyes felt like sand paper" is a great line. The best one in the story so far.
I thought the idea of Tani breaking into Carly's room and interrupting a fight to be a little contrived, but less so than some of the other plot details in previous chapters.
But it does bring up a question. Why are they using swords? Don't guns exist in the future? It might be a good idea to provide some explanation about why humanity does not have access to more advanced technology.
| Lord Leachim chapter 3 . 4/27/2007
I don't know if you wrote this chapter long after you wrote the second one, or if someone else told you about your dialogue weaknesses, but the dialogue was MUCH better in this chapter. There were still a couple of little parts that didn't sound right, but for the most part it sounded good.
You tried to explain in detail why the Haid would allow Tani and her brother to fight off the demons alone, so I give you credit for that. But I still didn't buy it.
Every time Helen or Carly said something ridiculous, Tani would come back with the exact same response I would have, which is also very good. I hate it when a character says something stupid and no one calls him on it. I like how Tani pointed out the unbelievable lapses in logic here. I'm not surprised that humanity was conquered if the Haid were in charge.
But the problem is that even though Tani points out how idiotic their decisions have been, no one acts on it. They just shrug and go, "Well, maybe we made some mistakes, but we won't make any more, we promise." If I was Tani, I would have slapped them upside their heads and gotten out of there. She'd be safer by herself than with the Haid.
| Lord Leachim chapter 2 . 4/27/2007
Again, this stretches believability a little bit. The entire Earth military was unable to stop the demons from invading our world, and yet a 16-year-old girl can defeat an "entire camp full of demons" all by herself? You never explain exactly how she fights them, either. Does she use guns? Lasers? Swords? Her fists? If you never explain what the demons look like or how she fights them, it just creates big questions in the reader's mind. Saying "It was a long and bloody battle" doesn't really explain it.
I'm glad you mention that Tani is a girl. That clears up one question from my last review.
The real weakness here is the dialogue. I don't mean to be critical, but it's pretty bad. I just can't imagine actual people saying this.
“Jackson? Are you the daughter of Joan and Frank Jackson?" Jackson is a fairly common last name, about as common as Smith or Williams. I don't think these people would automatically assume she was related.
"They single handedly stopped some of the fiercest demons from entering our world." Again, two people stopped the strongest demons, and the might of the entire Earth army was not enough to stop an invasion?
"So my parents were agents? They stopped some of the worst demons there ever was? And now my parents are gone and the demons are trying to come back?" I don't think any actual person would say this. People don't repeat back what they've been told in this way. She might have thought this, but not said it.
"I’m already involved, I’ve been involved since the day they invaded our world. They took my parents when I was just a child, they have tried to kill me multiple time, they destroyed my world and now they have taken my brother from me as well!" Again, I don't think someone would say this. It sounds silly and overdramatic.
"we grew up in this world" I think that's kind of obvious.
"Killing things after there is no reason is something they do and I will not become like them." Again, this sounds awkward and forced. Most of the dialogue in this whole chapter sounds kind of robotic.
"You are a woman and I have yet to see you be defeated so why should our leader be a man?" If these people are in charge, no wonder humanity was defeated. This was the most bizarre and illogical statement of the whole chapter.
I think you should practice writing dialogue. When you write, say the dialogue out loud to yourself. Seriously, say it out loud and you'll understand what I mean when I say it doesn't sound natural. People just don't talk like that.
| Lord Leachim chapter 1 . 4/27/2007
This isn't bad, but you need to fill out the narrative with much more detail. You don't describe the demons at all, and don't explain exactly how "Hell" could wage war on Earth. If your main character doesn't know or doesn't remember because he was so young when it started, then just say that.
My big problem is the idea that two young kids could somehow kill demons themselves. The demons were able to conquer Earth because the army could not defeat them, and yet two young kids can? If the demons are such solitary creatures, I don't think that they could manage to successfully invade Earth. I also don't understand the line "any one caught helping a human child would be tortured to death," since I assume that the demons would just kill any humans they found anyway.
You have a couple of minor spelling errors and comma splices, but nothing so obvious it interrupts the flow of the story. You did spell the word "betrayal" wrong. And you have a couple of glaring cliches you should get rid of:
"I thanked my lucky star every day"
"I will not sugar coat anything"
"and I vowed there and then"
And another thing. You might want to consider telling the reader if Tani is a boy or a girl. It sounds like a female name, but you never actually say.
| S. N. Sedivec chapter 4 . 2/20/2007
So I actually took notes as I read this time. These are your typographicals that I caught:
1st paragraph: sandpaper
2nd paragraph: style not stile. and there are a lot of "there were"'s in there. Might want to reword that.
there is an 'm' instead of 'me' in there somewhere.
I now have a little girl I must thinK (not thing) about.
Follow me Kale (instead of fallow)
To trusting should be too trusting.
You are doing a lot better on character developement. But be careful. In this chapter you introduced two HUGE emotional characters to your main. Plus, she wouldn't want to be a mother so soon. The way you have made her would indeed yes, care for the girl. But, I don't think she is ready to be a mother to someone so close to her own age.
I like the idea of Kale, he is light to her dark, already her compliment in everyway. However, don't make them too perfect for each other. Otherwise it gets boring.
Sorry this took so long. I have been swamped with studying for midterms. Also...sorry I haven't posted anymore of mine yet. I have some of it written but not enough yet. There should be one or two chapters up by the end of the week if you are interested. Keep Writing!
| S. N. Sedivec chapter 3 . 1/18/2007
Wow, I can tell you have done a lot of work on the characters. I saw a lot of improvement. There were still a few grammar errors and spelling errors, but hey, I'm a creative writing major...I should catch thjose things.
It was a lot cleaner and easier to follow this time. If you need someone to do simply grammar and spelling editing, send me a chapter before you post it and I can do some corrections. Just an idea, I know my friends always catch mistakes that I normally miss because I have read the damn thing so many times.
Much improvement. Very nice.
| S. N. Sedivec chapter 2 . 1/11/2007
Chapter 2, my take...
Watch your grammar. At the begining there was a "there" instead of "their" and the very last sentence a "here" instead of "hear." And again, emotions, emotions, emotions. You never want a reader to talk about a character in terms of "a character." You will want to bring the story to life.
Just slow down a little and add more details. Names, physical descriptions, trusty sword and where it came from, Why most humans have shifted to the Demon side.
Also, It was very obvious that she was going to be rescued by The Haid. Add something there. And, it must have come as quite a shock to learn her parents were agents. Also you never explained how they knew who her brother was. Just elaborate more. Is all I can say.
| S. N. Sedivec chapter 1 . 1/11/2007
Hello my fellow budding author. It seems like an interesting start. But...you could definately add LOTS more detail! Their dad and mom just dissapeared? Play more on the emotions of your main character so the reader gets to know her as a person, not just a character.
Also, I saw your year she was born, is this another world? You might want to specify that because with technology today the way it is. Swords, cloaks and daggers are lost to most society. So maybe explain that that is all that can kill a demon is weapons from the last time they surfaced. Ya'know? Give a reason to what you are doing.
Also real quick before I go, study commas and semi-colons m'dear. Your sentences are slightly choppy. It will help the overall flow of the piece. Grammar in general, I noticed somewhere that you said 'm'att instead of 'M'att.
Otherwise sounds interesting. Can't wait to keep reading it for you. luvs hugs and byes
| The Mumbling Sage chapter 1 . 1/11/2007
Yes, the plot is good.
Okay, here's what I think you can do to improve:
1. You seemed to go through this intro quickly so you could get to the meat of your story. This makes it...well not hard to read, but it doesn't give me much of a reason to invest too much time in it. You could have taken the time to make this into a few well-developed chapters instead.
2. Explanation about the demons. I would really like to see more of them, as in, acutally see one in person so I can KNOW how evil it is. Not that they don't sound evil, but it's a vague sort of evil that isn't really scary.
3. How do a 7 and a 10year old kill a demon? I don't doubt there's a reason they can, but I don't know it so it sounds a little hard to believe.
Overall, I think some more detail will realy help with this.
| MyNameIsMad chapter 1 . 1/10/2007
Nifty start. Okay as a summary. I think you could've done it a bit better, explaining a bit more and giving a few more details. Or will you do that when this story actually gets rolling? Ah well. If it's just a summary I can't really criticize you on it. Your idea sounds interesting, and I believe you could take it many places. Watch out for capitalizing names. You did a matt instead of a Matt in the fifth paragraph. A few other typos, but nothing major. Keep it up!