|Reviews for Between Lines|
| C.F. Anne chapter 21 . 6/24/2007
Danny...why won't he see now that Abigail's heart is already settled? He was nice in the beging but he's turned into quite a pain...lol. Well, that's for the betterment of the story. Great chapter. Update soon!
| S. Renee chapter 10 . 6/24/2007
Hmm . . . I'm confused again. I like Andrew a lot, but I didn't like his letter so much this time. He knows that Abby doesn't love him (or so she says), he knows that she's already got Danny, he knows that he's made her a bit uncomfortable by confessing his feelings, and yet he goes into that long thing about the home he dreams of. He says he sees her face going into battle and that he dreams of her being his wife and the mother of his children . . . I don't know. It just seems awfully inconsiderate to me. Kind of odd too. He knows that Abby would rather they were just good friends and yet he has to go talking about all these deep feelings he has for her. Just not a very thoughtful thing to do.
And I know this chapter was supposed to make the reader not like Danny so much, but I found myself disagreeing with Abby instead. He's in a war and he's fighting for what he believes in, and yet the girl he loves is writing friendly letters to the enemy. I don't blame him for being a bit upset. Sure, he could have said SOMETHING about the Major's death and how he was sorry for it, but I don't think it's so horrible that he didn't. I don't know. lol.
But great job!
| S. Renee chapter 9 . 6/24/2007
Another very nice chapter. You've done a great job interweaving historical elements and information with the story. It's never boring and could definitely teach those less educated about the Revolutionary War their facts. I feel awfully sorry for Laurie though. It would be so hard to be pregnant during a war that your husband's fighting in! Especially when she's so young. Poor girl! I hope Jonathan comes home safe to her.
| S. Renee chapter 8 . 6/24/2007
Lovely, lovely chapter. No complaints this time! The letters were all very well done and Andrew's really made me like him all the more. I do feel a bit bad for Danny though, even if he's not my favorite. But just imagining him walking around his training camp, talking and thinking about Abby when she's at home receiving letters from an English soldier, his enemy, and barely even thinking of him at all . . . Poor guy. On to the next chapter!
| S. Renee chapter 7 . 6/24/2007
Wow! Well that was a startling chapter! I guess I just hadn't thought that Drew would be confessing such deep feelings so soon . . . And I really hadn't suspected that he was that in love with Abby either. Not until he said it, anyway . . .
I don't know. I'm uncertain about it. It was all written very nicely- his confession, her refusal, the kiss- they were all wonderful! But I just felt like it had come too soon. Their conversations were very sweet and everything, but I don't know if they could really be enough to make him fall in love with her . . . But that's just me. I don't believe in love-at-first-sight and I'm always extremely weary about a very quick love too, like this one. Whenever I'm writing, I always like to have a lot of build-up and tension and little moments and such before anyone professes their love. But that doesn't mean this story is ruined for me. I still like it very much, even if it seems that there should have been more build-up, and I hope you realize that. When I give you all these suggestions too, please remember that it's only because I feel you have a lot of potential and just need a little bit of constructive criticism, like we all we do sometimes. I really do like this story a lot. I wouldn't spend the time giving you suggestions if I didn't! Here are my notes for this chapter:
Melli shouldn't be calling Laurie "Miss Laurie" anymore. Either "Mrs. Laurie" or "Mrs. Clark" would be more suiting, now that she's married.
I've noticed this one in other chapters as well- remember to always add an apostophe when your talking about a possessive item. It should be "grabbed her friend's hands" not "grabbed her friends hands."
Also, another simple mistake to fix, sometimes you accidentally write something like "your smart and completely lovely" when it should be "you're smart and completely lovely." An easy mistake to make, just be sure to skim over your chapter for little things like that before posting.
| S. Renee chapter 6 . 6/24/2007
What a wonderful ending! Abby's conversation with Drew was definitely the highlight of this chapter- they're just so cute together! But I can only imagine what Abby's family will say when they realize that their teenage daughter and the most handsome English soldier in the house are both missing!
The only complaint (and I'm sorry, it seems I must always find something to point out!) I have for this chapter was the part when Danny says goodbye. She's supposed to really love him, they're even talking of marriage, and yet his goodbye was just a tiny little snip of a conversation. He came and went all in an instant, it seemed. It just seemed strange to me that you gave him that tiny, simple goodbye when Drew had a huge conversation with Abby and Jacob had that nice, long, charming farewell. I don't know. Just seemed a bit strange to me.
| S. Renee chapter 5 . 6/24/2007
Both Andrew and Danny seem very sweet- I don't know who I should be liking better! But I do think I like Andrew more at the moment. Ahh! A cliffhanger! I'll definitely have to keep on reading later on today.
But first, of course, I have a few little comments before I go. I was just recently doing some research on colonial weddings, so a few things caught my eye. Of course these comments are all just based on the traditional colonial wedding though- and Laurie might not have wanted to do everything according to tradition, I suppose.
- I thought it kinda strange that Abby would walk Laurie down the aisle. Wouldn't her father or another male family member have that honor?
- Most weddings featured plates full of cookies for dessert, not a big cake like we have today.
- Yellow was the most common color for a colonial bride. White wasn't as popular until Queen Victoria wore it at her wedding in 1840.
- Would Laurie really have invited Drew, a British soldier, to her wedding? Does she even know him?
- I doubt that Abby would have worn part of her hair down, as pretty as it might look today. Once a girl came of a certain age, her hair was always worn up. Wearing it down was thought to be more childish-looking and improper for a grown young lady.
| S. Renee chapter 4 . 6/24/2007
Another simple, sweet chapter. I'm glad to see we're learning more about Andrew and I like the little friendship you have going between Timothy and Charlotte. I'm sorry I must be such a downer when I write reviews, but I don'd like to lie and I never feel useful unless I point out the little things that caught my eye. So here we go.
When Laurie is telling Abby about what happened with Jonathan, the dialogue isn't natural. It sounds like something she'd write down on paper, not say to a friend. Try to imagine yourself talking to a friend when you're writing dialogue, that way it sounds like your characters are real people, not narrators.
And definitely take out that "Wow" that Jacob says after finding out about Laurie and Jonathan. The word wow didn't originate until much later, around the later 1800s.
And lastly, you've been switching Andrew's name a lot when you write about him. Not his actual name, of course, because he's always been Captain Andrew Davenport, but the way you refer to him. When he was first introduced, you would write "Captain Davenport laughed." Then in the next chapter you would write "Andrew laughed." That seemed like a natural progression, since you only called him "Captain Davenport" when they first met. But now you're suddenly sayin "Drew laughed" instead. Do you see what I'm going for here? I'm afraid I'm not explaining it well. You just really shouldn't switch his name so many times. Sometimes it even caught me off-guard and I'd be thinking "Who's Drew? His name seems awfully close to Andrew's," as if they were two different people. Rather foolish of me, I know, lol, but you just really shouldn't switch so often between what you're calling him. Going from "Captain Davenport" to "Andrew" is fine, but now going to "Drew" as well is just too much. It would seem much more natural, and sweet too, if you always called him Andrew within the narrative parts but then had Abby refer to him as Drew.
| S. Renee chapter 3 . 6/24/2007
Andrew seems very sweet, although I do feel bad for Danny. Abby is supposed to be his sweetheart, after all, and now she's wanting to dance with his enemy. But at the same time, I can see her view as well. Nice chapter, although the ending really caught me off guard. I highly doubt that it would be proper for Abby to ride on Jacob's back on their way home from the social. Unless she's less than ten years old, it just doens't seem to fit.
| S. Renee chapter 2 . 6/23/2007
Another very nice chapter. The pace of this story is very slow so far though, so I'm wondering how it's going to progress in future chapters . . .
Only a few tiny mistakes that I could spot, nothing very important. The three soldiers seem intriguing and although I definitely like Southerby best, I have a feeling Abby's going to be falling for Captain Davenport, since he's said to be so terribly handsome. I personally never like it much when the main characters of a story are very good-looking (the only time I've seen it work well was "Gone with the Wind" and that's because Rhett and Scarlett had so many other flaws to their personalities). I prefer my characters to be more normal-looking, but no one I know seems to agree with me, lol. So anyway, I'd prefer it if Abby fell for Southerby instead but I have a feeling I'm wrong and that's alright. I've learned to deal with it now, especially on fictionpress.
The only other thing that made me stop and think for a moment was the comment that the British soldiers had different hairstyles than the Whitneys were used to. Is that true? I'm no historian, but I always thought the British and the colonists had similar hairstyles at the time. I'd really like to know if I'm wrong in that so please do PM me or e-mail me or something.
Lovely, lovely chapter. Looking forward to reading more tomorrow!
| S. Renee chapter 1 . 6/23/2007
This is a really nice opening chapter. The characters all seem very sweet, I already feel a bond with Abby, and I love the setting. Your writing is wonderful- I loved that last line of the chapter! So cute!- and I'm looking forward to reading more. But since I always like to give some constructive criticism as well, I've got two suggestions for you before I go.
First, there's one punctuation mistake you made a few times in the chapter that I noticed. When addressing another person when speaking, the character's name should always be separated with a comma. You have "Don't worry Lottie" when it should be "Don't worry, Lottie."
The second suggestion has more to do with the writing style. At the beginning, as well as various times throughout, you have a tendency to go too strongly into description. Although you should be proud because your descriptions are very well done, sometimes I found myself wanting to skip through them. They became a little tedious, a little boring, and I just wanted to get back to the action of the story. Try incorporating more action or dialogue between the big description paragraphs. Or, although I know this can be difficult, try to spread out all the formal descriptions (about Abby, her family, her sweetheart, her house, etc.) for later in the story. The first chapter of a story should be intriguing, not bog you down with a load of information about your main character.
But very nice job overall with the chapter! I look forward to reading more!
| Giana chapter 20 . 6/21/2007
I really love this story! It's sorta bittersweet... Wow, keep on writing,
I can't wait for the next chapter!
| anewclassic chapter 20 . 6/19/2007
| C.F. Anne chapter 20 . 6/19/2007
Yeah, an update! lol. Great chapter. (: Bring him dinner, Talk to him, and find out the truth!
| JtaimeParis chapter 20 . 6/19/2007
Ahh, I liked this chapter. Maybe because it had Andrew in it.