Reviews for Faustus: Well, Not Exactly
WyrdWolf chapter 3 . 2/19/2007
“Hey, shouldn’t there be more vile and perfidious acts being performed?” This question is simply NOT asked enough. And when it is, it always has the wrong answer.

That entire summoning was entrancing. I couldn't peel away from it. Well done, well done.

Oh, I am loving this. Clancy, demon on death row, switching places with an admittedly dimwitted's-it's like the parent trap, only not like it at all. ...okay, it's like...well, it's fantastic, at any rate. A great story and with just the right amount of humor. This is a keeper.

WyrdWolf chapter 2 . 2/14/2007
Ah, a wizard meddling with machinery. A bit ironic, really-after all, machinery is the inept substitute for solving problems where magic is not to be found. P'raps he's not too passionate about his whole wizard lifestyle.

At one point, early in the chapter, you spelled 'Terrence' with one 'r'. Just in case ya wanted to fix it.

'...a teenager's worth of existential angst...' Ah, bellissimo. I love it, I do.

Terrence seems like a rather spontaneous fellow, makeing life-inducing decisions in the blink of an eye with the help of a gallon or two of wine. Excellent. I won't lie, that's a fun type to read about.

This is a very...grabbing story, for lack of a better word. It keeps me. I like this, the neat prospects, and the fact that I'm unable to find a single thing wrong with it, writing or grammar-wise (typos don't really count).

WyrdWolf chapter 1 . 2/9/2007
Hee, told you I'd be back, even if it's long belated.

I love the premise of this. Demons just trying to get by without getting their keyboard slimed by an overenthusiastic blob monster. Fantastic.

King Terence has ben afflicted with a life complex. Reminds me of that one episode of Scrubs...but then again, most thigns do. Great personality riff on him, though.

One thing: when you use the word 'myriad', say 'myriad things', not 'a myriad of things'. Took me about 4 years to figure that one out. Words are almost not worth the trouble, you know?

At any rate, I'll definitely be delving back into this when I have the time.

Awaking kills the Dream chapter 10 . 1/22/2007
"Finishing this story definitely put me in a bit of a happily-right-now. I never actually expected this work to be complete." - well, that's how it always works for me. I have yet to prove myself wrong, but I guess it'll happen one day for me too :P

"I promised to write her something. Then I broke my promise. Then I started work on it again. Then I broke my promise again. Here I am, several months late, keeping that promise." - at least you kept your promise, and that's the important bit. I hope Gathering Crows is pleased with the result ;)

"Lccorp2, you still might not approve of my stories, but I’d like to think that you irritated me into writing better. Probably. I guess that’s for you to judge." - I can't see why Lccorp2 won't approve to your stories. But that's just me. You can't please everyone in this world, but you may valiently try.

"Awaking Kills the Dream, you’re directly responsible for some of the longest reviews I’ve ever received. Thank you." - Ditto. And wee, I got to be in the dedication! Woohoo! I'll continue giving you long and ego-boosting reviews as long as you continue writing amusing stories that are worth the time it takes to write the long reviews ;)

Yeah, that's it for Faustus. I'll see you again in the next story I review ;)
Awaking kills the Dream chapter 9 . 1/22/2007
Well, onwards with chapter 9. Last 'real' chapter and all :)

1)"The watched each other from afar, like star-crossed lovers. Alas, for they were never meant to be." - I think it's supposed to be 'they watched'.

2)"Except for being alarmingly tall and bovine, he could have been a little bird about to take flight." - I laughed out really loud trying to picture a minotaur in flight.

3)"Poor Kirby, demon of inopportune exits, had been whisked away during his lunch break." - I guess his was one of those inopportune exits :P

4)"Demons are a lot like mortals. They’ll accept any explanation if they can convince themselves it’s rational." - yeah, works every time.

5)"He bent slightly, setting down two styrofoam containers in front of Marissa. She leaned out of the way of his horns." - I love how you add little details like this. Really makes it easy to picture the scenes in my mind:)

6)"“Luzabel’s frowns on violence between patrons,” Said the waiter, coldly." - XP

One minor mistake; uncapitalize 'said' please.

7)"“We have much more relaxed views on violence by the staff. Would you care to test them?” Damien gulped. He shook his head slowly, lest it be interpreted as an attack." - I guess most humans would be could meek around a huge minotaur. Nice touch with the super-meekness of shaking his head slowly so as not to be mistaken for attacking :)

8)"She’d been in love, and that hit fast and hard like a sledgehammer soaked in vodka." - it's the vodka that makes it so bittersweet you know XP It's not without reason that it is said to be 'intoxicated on love'. Or something.

9)"Unpredictable changes in predictable people. I guess I was predictable." - No shit Sherlock...

10)"“I hadn’t planned on anything, except living forever.”

“Well, you’ve got that. What now?”" - indeed, he got that. I really wonder what happens after all this is over. How is Terrence, demon of unpredictable changes in predictable people doing, five years after all this? :P

11)"Damien was sitting on the pavement by the door. He looked up as they went past." - I almost feel sorry for him. He seems so lost. What happens to Damien. And what kind of demon does he become?

12)"A twenty-man silence hung in the great hall." - that's just so nicely put :)

13)"“Ah, perhaps I embellished my story a little bit.” There was soundless agreement from the courtiers." - just a little bit :P

14)"“Terrence isn’t really dead. But he isn’t coming back. Probably.”" - probably not...

15)"At last, one of the courtiers pointed to Clancy. The demon was looking at the floor, sheepishly. “Is he going to eat us?”" - XP


“How about defile our women?” - XP


“Corrupt our children with loud music?” - lolz! XP


“Are you sure he’s not going to eat us?” - I really love the repetition of this question. Are you *really* sure?

16)"It left him, in the way some rights do, in a dark stone hallway with tapestries on the walls." - ahahaha, a left/right joke, right?

17)"Compared with Gilbert, they might as well have been smiling, young maidens. “Good evening, ladies,” Clancy said, walking past the tapestries." - *giggle*

18)"“Go away,” Came a soft alto from the other side." - uncapitalize 'came a soft alto', please

19)"“I’m not Terrence,” He called out. " - see previous note.

20)"“Oh,” The voice from the other side was a bit louder." - uhm, I'm not sure if there ought to be a comma or a full stop. If you keep the comma, then uncapitalize 'the voice'.

21)"“He’s…um…away. Probably for a long while.”" - how about 'for ever'? XP

22)"Clancy heard a rustle, and then the door creaked open. In the dim candlelight stood a young woman wearing not much at all. You know, Clancy reflected, It may be that there’s no such thing as a happily ever after. But I think I’ve found a happily right now, and that’ll do." - Then I have to ask: who opens the door to a strange man in the middle of the night?

Oh well, I guess this was it. Faustus is over, with a sort of ending, but still with the possibility to be continued some day. In which case I want to be the first to know ;)
Awaking kills the Dream chapter 8 . 1/22/2007
To quote myself from yesterday: "Well, I actually think I can manage one more chapter tonight...who knows, maybe I'll finish reviewing your story tonight even? :)" - well, that never happened, because the internet broke down...meh. But of better news, I instead had some time to write a few extra paragraphs on Vampires and Such, which I'm sure you're *delighted* to hear...XP

Anyway, I'm now focusing on finishing reviewing Faustus, and start reading one of your other works ;) We'll see how co-operative the net will be then.

Chapter 8:

1)"Luzabel’s Bar and Grille was a hole in the wall. Literally. It opened out of an obsidian cliff onto a tiny parking lot." - Luzabel has got just the right demon-ish ring to it :)

Also, I like the thought of it being a hole in the wall.

2)"Between them danced a candle. While they were being seated, Terrence had asked for it. He wasn’t sure why. That worried him." - I'd be too if I did stuff without really knowing why.

3)"He was a thin, athletic minotaur with curled horns and a gold stud in his nose." - well, I guess it's only appropriate. He's a minotaur after all.

4)"“And you, sir?” The bull asked politely." - decapitalize 'the bull'. I really like my invented word 'decapitalize'. I love inventing new words, even when there's a perfectly sound word for it already excisting.

5)"“No, wait! I’ll have the,” Are you going to order steak from a giant talking cow? Terrence reconsidered. “I’ll have the house salad after all.”" - I'd hesitate to oder steak from a giant talking cow too...:S

6)"“I don’t know. I don’t like salad, but I had to order it.”

“I sometimes have that effect on people.”

“Of course. You’re a woman. But that’s not it. Your wiles shouldn’t be working on me.”" - wiles is just such a funny word...:P

7)"“Well,” Terrence stared into the candle flame, mustering confidence. “A few hours ago, I was a king.”

“A king?”

“You know. Up above.”

“Okay, I didn’t expect that.”

“It’s true. I, um, changed places with a demon.”


“He wanted out. I wanted to live forever.”

“Mortals can’t live forever.”


And then reality twisted." - I just love this whole bit! It's almost a normal conversation, if you ignore the whole topic part of course.

8)"“You deceived me!”

“It was all a mistake, I swear!”

Clancy stared at the courtier. “You took the words right out of my mouth.”" - I love this little twist. I was sure it was Clancy who said it, until Clancy stares at the courtier.

9)"Anger colored Terrence’s face, but bewilderment was creeping in behind it." - the word 'creeping' is a very nice touch.

10)"“The poison was a mistake. I didn’t mean to—”

“What poison? When was there poison? Who poisoned me?”

“I poisoned you. At the feast. In the wine. It was slow-acting. It would have looked natural. I didn’t think you were going to come back. I don’t know how you came back. Um, that was what you were talking about, right?”" - Lol. No Damien, if he asks 'what poison', and who poisoned him, that is not what he was talking about.

11)"“Why did you just tell me that?”" - Yeah?

"“I don’t know. I was trying to succeed you, but now I feel sorry about it.”" - aw, that's almost cute. 'I'm sorry I tried to kill you, it's just that I wanted to be king you see. No hard feelings?'

12)"“But, as long as we’re on the subject, you lied to me.”" - lol

13)"“About the women? I thought that was more of an, um, exaggeration.” - XP

14)"“A mortal is a soul inside a body. Over time, the body breaks down and releases the soul. That soul is judged and sent to the appropriate place. A demon is a soul imprinted on a body. See, our spirits are part of our flesh.”

“Look, think of it like pressure. A soul in Avernus is put under more pressure and therefore it sticks to the body. It’s like…deep-sea diving.”" - I love this explanation. It does seem to make sense even. There's pressure in Hell, ergo our souls is compressed, and we live forever. Genius.

15)"I didn’t do anything to you, Terrence: demon of unpredictable changes in predictable people.”" - again, your demon names are killers! :D

16)"“I’ve turned into a demon?”


“And demons are immortal?”


“Then why am I here?”

“Well, I needed to distract the man with the sword.”

“That was it?”

“Yeah.”" - well, having the dead king return to the mortal world sure is bound to be some sort of distraction, especially for the man who tried to kill him.

Uhm, yeah, I guess that's it for chapter 8. Not much else to say I guess.

Next chappie!
breana chapter 10 . 1/22/2007
*rueful smile* Well, thanks for mentioning me, I suppose.

Your endings are very abrupt. I've noticed that your stories are different completely, because instead of focusing on an adventure or an occurance, they focus more on a theory; kind of like my story Tainted. That's interesting, especially- no offense- coming from a man. I'm just wondering if maybe some more action would be appreciated? Because- while your stories are entertaining and thought-provoking- they seem to lack a little something. They also seem very clipped and not-quite-done. Now, the not-quite-done part I don't complain about so much, because I tend to do that with my own stories, but still... I don't know. I'm just fussing for the sake of fussing. I still love you, I suppose.
Lccorp2 chapter 2 . 1/22/2007

Well, guess i can't really say anything about it this time.

I'll keep reading.

Short reviews are the best reviews.
Lccorp2 chapter 1 . 1/21/2007

Remember me? The snarky little guy who smashes everything smashable in sight? Why, hello there.


*"The mani(a)c(al) gibbering..."

-Sometimes, simple words are the best. Have you read Paolini? He rapes thesauruses, putting in all sorts of hodgepodge words and purple prose where they're not needed.

Now, I'm not accusing you of doing the same, but after reading things like "The air-conditioned office air sluiced out of his lungs in a rush." and those descriptions, I suspect a little.

-Why bother going in for character descriptions in one infodumpy blob when a) it breaks the flow of your story as you pause all action just to glob in that description that b) the readers have no reason to notice because they haven't been given a reason to care for the characters?

I'm sorry, but I know Bob the Builder better when he snaps at his underlings for mixing the concrete improperly, screams at the birds busy plastering the scaffolding with droppings, where the hell is his tea and why can't people work as hard as he does?

Much better than a description of Bob the Builder's coveralls and yellow hard hat and boots, then the author TELLING us he's short-tempered and likes tea.

We haven't even seen Eleanor yet, but there's a whole paragraph neatly obstruction the flow of prose there. Whee.

SapphireIris chapter 10 . 1/21/2007

*puppy eyes*
Awaking kills the Dream chapter 7 . 1/21/2007
Chapter 7:

1)"Terrence stared forward through the windshield, utterly silent. The road whispered by beneath him. He could feel it thrumming up through the metal chassis into his seat. He knew he was moving at speeds man could only dream of, and for the first time in his life he wasn’t sure how he felt." - again, there's a mix of what Terrence really knows, and what the author knows. I get the feeling that Terrence actually knows that the windshield is called exactly that, a windshield, while he is all the while quite conscious of the fact that he is moving at an, for his time, impossible speed. I noticed also that you actually use the word 'moving' and not 'driving', and this is quite according to character, as he doesn't actually know the word driving in this case. But still it's ruined by 'the windshield'. This is just my opinion though.

2)"He wondered if she was worrying about something. He wondered why he would ever wonder about that." - good wondering. Also, very nicely put. Wondering about wondering. LOve it :)

3)"He’d been in the middle of one about a rubber chicken, two sinners, and a succubus" - I'd like to hear that one some day :P

4)"He’d been in the middle of one about a rubber chicken, two sinners, and a succubus" - again I get a feeling that Terrence is fully aware of the right jargon, when he really shouldn't.

5)"Whenever it was, he’d felt off balance since then. He’d thought about death, and summoned a demon, and taken its advice, and gone below, and met a slug, and now he was alone with a beautiful woman-thing and hadn’t even stuck a hand down her shirt. And he wasn’t sure that he wanted to. Terrence shuddered." - he's definitely out of balance...XP But a nice change in him though :)

6)"Packs of cerberi ran over the blasted landscape. Sinners smoldered." :P

7)"“I’m not cold.” He tried to take a tone that would imply cold was for the weak. “Where I come from, it isn’t considered cold unless men’s beards are freezing to their faces.”" - lol. Sounds Viking-ish

8)"“You’re from the Frozen Depths, then?”

“No, I’m—yeah. That’s the place. Yeah.”" - yeah :P If you don't know what to say, just agree to whatever is said.

9)"“That’s the glove compartment.”


“You know what that is, right?”

“No.”" - a lot more in character here ;)

10)"“Tell me about it. Your day, I mean.” Terrence figured that as long as he was issuing commands, he wasn’t being weak and effeminate." - :P

"Also, a part of him really wanted to know how her day had been. Something had definitely changed." - definitely :P

11)"The people I do talk to are usually dead within a minute. Or six hours.”" - heh. I really do wonder what's happened to Ymir.

12)"Terrence didn’t ask who Gil was. He just nodded, sympathetically. Then he looked out the window. More rubble. More lava pits. Some demonlings. That was new. Maybe they were passing through the suburbs." - wow, I bet he never nodded sumpathetically to any woman before, and actually kinda mean it.

13)"“Hey, are you listening to me?”

Snapping back to attention, Terrence jerked away from the window. He didn’t say “of course” or “absolutely” or use any of the dismissive answers his mind threw at him. Instead, he said “It sounds like you’re having a tough time. Why don’t you do anything about it?” Inwardly, he cringed. What was going on?" - I can't say I love the new Terrence, but he's definitely an improved man, and a lot more likeable on a personally level too :P

14)"“No, you’re not. And you’re not like everyone else.” It felt like the right thing to say, but…What is this? Where is it coming from?" - see previous note.

15)"“Lords. Ladies. A great tragedy has befallen us tonight. King Terrence is dead.” Allen declaimed." - ooh, what a tragedy...:P one minor error: 'King Terrence is dead' should be followed by a comma, not a full stop.

16)"There were gasps. Some of them were of relief." - No wonder :P

17)"“How did it happen?” Asked Damien, the courtier, ignoring the obvious explanation. - again, one minor error: 'asked' should be decapitalized. Also, I don't like Damien. I suppose I don't like people who're trying to make a hard time for Allen :P

18)"That fell creature grabbed him and dragged him back into the summoning circle." - Fell creature? What does that mean?

19)"I was there to see it all.”" - utsuke! Or something. LIAR in plain English. Not that he didn't see it all. But that wasn't what happened :P

20)"More gasps. There was also one “I don’t believe it.” Damien again." - who else *rolls eyes*?

21)"I ask you to validate this by swearing fealty to her.” - how come you use so many words I can't even find in my 80,0 reference words-dictionary? What's fealty? Something along loyalty?

22)"“What? Swear to a woman?” Damien sounded incredulous. Allen sighed. There was one in every crowd." - yeah. Always.

23)"“Terrence has been spirited away by the minions of the netherworld. His rule was not meant to be.”" - giggle

24)"“Eleanor is a pure and virtuous woman.”

“You’d know this firsthand?”" - somebody hit him, please. Gr.

25)"Sweeping around the summoning circle, Eleanor pushed the scholar aside. Gently." - nice touch ;)

26)"“I saw the entire thing.” Eleanor blanched. Allen’s face became as serious as stone. “You performed horrible, unspeakable acts here in this hall, and you conspired to commit regicide. I have exposed your conspiracy and now I will—”

“Um, guys. Am I interrupting something?” Clancy stood at the entrance to the great hall, leaning against the doorjamb." - well, he's a demon of all-too convenient twists of fate after all. I guess it's for the better that he interrupted when he did.

27)"There were several shrieks, a swoon, and a yelp. Clancy cursed." - nice touch to actually spesific the swoon and the yelp.

28)"The courtiers scattered, unwilling to put themselves in the path of sharp metal and panicked otherworldly creatures." - what's worst; being in the path of sharp metal or panicking otherwordly creatures?

29)"“I’ve heard of your kind, beast. I’m not afraid of you.”

“That’s because you have the sword.”

The courtier grunted. “It certainly helps.”" - love the retorts here. Especially the 'it certainly helps'. :)

29)"“In the name of self-preservation, I invoke thee!” Clancy roared." - I suppose that's also a belief :P

Well, I actually think I can manage one more chapter tonight...who knows, maybe I'll finish reviewing your story tonight even? :)
Awaking kills the Dream chapter 6 . 1/21/2007
Well, done betaing the story...I guess I wasn't as thorough as I could've been, but...ugh, I just can't be bothered. It's much more work pointing out errors and improvable places than commenting on nice bits...XP

Chapter 6:

1)"Eleanor woke to sound. Voices. No, singular. Voice. It was saying something. She strained her ears.

“Please, please, please don’t faint again.”" - your opening lines can be killers. Seriously. Please, please, please don't faint again? Lol!

2)"And then, through the candle-light, she saw the thing behind him. It had red skin and twisting horns. Its mouth creased open, baring fangs.

“Hi.”" - demons, and Clancy in particular, really knows how to impose fear in someone, doesn't he? XP

3)"“What is that thing?” She finally managed." - uncapitalize 'she', please.

4)"It cocked its head to the side and stared at her like she’d gone crazy. “Uh, demon. I thought that was obvious.”" - I love the way Clancy is continously referred to as 'it'. Also, love the retort. Demon. Obvious, ne?

5)"“Look,” Allen interrupted. “He’s harmless. Or, at least, he hasn’t killed anyone yet.”" - well, that sounds reassuring doesn't it?

6)"“Yes, we’ve been over this,” It said." - I'm not sure if this is done on purpose or not, but I'd uncapitalize the 'it' if I were you, unless Eleanor has named Clancy for 'It' as for now?

7)"“Huh. She’s kinda young.”" - indeed.

8)"She’s old enough to marry.”" - I disagree. :P

9)"“The king and I changed places. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”" - Lol. Yeah, I guess it did.

10)"Mustering her courage, Eleanor glared at the demon. He didn’t devour her where she stood. She took heart from that." - yeah, it's really encouraging that the demon doesn't eat you right there and then just because you glare a bit.

11)"He’d been a pig of a man. No, that was unfair. Pigs were docile. He’d been a boar. Savage, unpredictable, and stubborn." - yeah, don't be cruel to the pigs just because she needs a simile :P

12)"Still, he had been part of her life for the last two years. They’d been joined by ceremony. Now she was widowed. It felt like someone had sawed a diseased leg off her soul." - I can sympathize. Not that I've ever been married away to some guy like Terrence. But I can imagine a bit of the horror/terror and so on...:S

13)"There’s a problem. Terrence was a king. He kept the courtiers in order. He employed me. With him gone, they’re all going to start fighting. I’ll lose my place here.”" - yeah, sometimes it's a bit inconvenient when the ruler suddenly disappears. Just ask Gilbert...:P

14)"“Working in an office trains you to expect anything.”

“I didn’t ask you, demon.”


“I didn’t ask you, Clancy.”" - I just love this bit. It's so vivid in my mind when I read this. Pure genious. :)

15)"“I’m a gibbering, terrified child inside. But outside, I’m a wizard. Whatever you feel on the inside, be a queen on the outside.”" - nice advice ;)

16)"Eleanor fixed him with another glare. She was getting better with practice. He almost flinched." - u-uh...she's getting scary now...more queeny ;)

17)"Queen and wizard looked at each other. “I don’t see how we could stop you.”" - me neither :P

18)"Contrary to popular belief, the workday in Avernus ended promptly at six. Demons hung up their whips and shut down their computers, grabbing their briefcases on the way out the door. In the Lightless Caves, tour guides stumbled around frantically, looking for the exits. Over in the Frozen Depths, polar bears were herded back into their stables, de-earmuffed, and given troughs of hot cocoa. All throughout the underworld, demons were kicking back and letting the stresses of the day slide off them." - definitley contrary to popular belief. I love how you mentioned the Lightless Caves and the Frozen Depths again. Especially the bit about de-earmuffing of the polar bears and the hot cocoa. :)

19)" Sometimes they just stared at her. She was a succubus, sure, but it got old fast. Besides, once they entered the office, she didn’t see many of them again." - XP

20)"To pass the time, Marissa fiddled with papers. She clicked her nails on the desk. Then against her teeth. Then against each other. She fiddled with the papers again. 6:20." - wow, she actually managed to pass away ten minutes that way...I'm impressed.

21)"leaving him to amuse himself. As if there was anything of interest in the scholar’s room." - poor Clancy. I highly doubt there's anything interesting in Allen's room...XP

22)"There just wasn’t much to do in the mortal realm in the sixteenth century.

It was better than death, Clancy decided. If the king hadn’t intervened when he did, his hide would probably be photocopy paper. Of course, then he wouldn’t be able to care about how bored he was. He’d be busy jamming the copy machine." - very busy...Extremely funny :)

23)"ers were purest fantasy. Like the formula to turn lead into goats." - definitley fantasy. Why'd you want to turn lead into goats anyway?

24)"Gilbert would probably have a conniption if mortals discovered steam power before the twenty-first century." I understand that Clancy is tipping Allen off to make Gilbert angry, but what, exactly, is a conniption?

25)"Cogwheels in motion. Clancy studied the diagram for a moment, then drew little faces on all the wheels. He wrote We’re all pulling together underneath them." - XP

26)"The medicinal application of leeches to incurable patients. “Um, ew.”" - indeed. Ew.

27)"The part with the walrus looked interesting, though. Clancy circled it and wrote You’ve got the right idea next to the tusks." - lol.

28)"Mechanical arachnid? The physics looked sound, but…Clancy pictured eight metal legs clacking their way down a hall, mechanized fangs glinting in the moonlight. He shuddered. Don’t ever, ever make one of these." - ugh, no, please don't. I hate bugs and spiders. And all those little critters. You get the idea.

29)"For a little while, Clancy was able to keep himself busy. It was like working in the office, really. But without the mind-numbing boredom. Or Thomas. How was he doing, anyway?" - very funny :)

30)"Leaning back in his chair, Clancy put his feet up. Due to a difference in design from his old office chair, Allen’s chair toppled over backwards. A demon hit the floor. A stray foot kicked the desk. A candle fell over.

Once more plunged into darkness, Clancy groaned. Then the desk lit on fire." - HAHAHAH! No rest for Clancy. Something's always going on around him, even if he's bored...:P

Well, chapter 6 done. Since I'm going to listen through all of the Wicked musical I guess I can do one more chapter tonight, as long as the network allows it of course. Lucky you. :P
Sword On Fire chapter 10 . 1/21/2007
Hee. I liked the ending, but I'm not really sure about the rest of the story. Not that it was bad, it was just ... I dunno. Ignore me. Yay for finishing!
Awaking kills the Dream chapter 5 . 1/21/2007
1)"It had been a powerful experience for young Clancy, who got to watch sinners being frozen or eaten by polar bears." - I don't know what I think is worse; being frozen or eaten by polar bears.

2)"Even the polar bears wore ear muffs." - giggle. I bet they look cute with ear muffs.

3)"He had mumbled something about “matters of succession” and “don’t touch anything” and left rather abruptly." - he had mumbled something about don't touch anything? How can I not love this? :)

4)"Every once in a while, demons were whisked away to the mortal realm. Usually, they would come back to Avernus within one to three business days, dripping blood and dragging a sinner along behind them. And they’d have a story to tell. With the proper embellishments, of course." - I don't know why, but I totally love this description :)

5)"So far, they weren’t matching up to the mortal realm at all. For one thing, there weren’t a lot of voluptuous women running around. There had always been women in the stories." - yeah, well, stories tend to overdo it sometimes...:P

6)"Very softly, the door knocked. Or someone knocked on the door." - yeah, it's probably the other way around, that someone knocked on the door :P

7)"Wood slid away to reveal darkness. Darkness and a girl. Who fainted." - very nice with the punctuation here. Creates the exact right images.

8)"Fumbling in the black, Clancy managed to catch the girl around the waist. She was still falling and he was off balance, so this only slowed her for a moment. Gravity gave a slight tug, and demon and human collapsed on the floor." - ah, the hero trying to rescue the girl, and fails...:P

9)"Most demons have terrible night-vision. It comes of being raised around light and fire all the time." - comes to reason :P

10)"Clancy couldn’t see the girl, but he knew she wasn’t moving. This was partly because he was lying on top of her." - ugh, poor girl. Heavy...

11)"Maybe she had hit the ground harder than he thought. He hoped she wasn’t going to be someone’s paperwork." - HAHAH! This had me laughing quite loudly.

12)"Half-lifting, half-hauling, he picked her up, turned, and walked back into Allen’s room. The girl’s head clonked softly on the door frame. Clancy winced." - that's really annoying when you're trying to be gentle, and people still get hurt...damn.

13)"Then he stared intently into the darkness, willing Allen to come back." - I'm sure that's very effective.

14)"she became aware of her body. It was lying on a lumpy bed, with its knees drawn up. It was also wearing a nightgown." - I love how she thinks of her body as a thing, and not as a part of herself.

15)"“You’re awake!” Whispered a smoky tenor." - nice description with 'smoky tenor'. One minor error: whisphered shouldn't be capitalized.

16)"“Who’s there?”

Several seconds of silence, then “You don’t remember?”" - somehow this cracked me up.

17)"Everything was a mess. Somehow, her thoughts had all become eggs, broke open, and scrambled together. There were pieces of shell in there, too. Hard bits that must’ve happened, but weren’t connected to each other." - lovely simile. Especially the bit about the pieces of shell. There's no end to the laughs you cause...

18)"It was a terrifying feeling, not knowing when the forgetting had started." - I can imagine...:S

19)"She remembered Allen. She remembered the day Terrence had hired him. She remembered hardly having seen him since then. He didn’t come to dinner. He was never at the chapel. And he never visited Terrence. There were only two places he could be found: the king’s sparse library, and that drafty tower. “Is this the tower?”" - very nice :)

20)"Suddenly, something struck her knee. She tried to make her body flinch, but it only half-obeyed. Lying on the uncomfortable bed, Eleanor swayed.

“Sorry. That was you?”



A hand traced down the side of her leg.


“Sorry. That was the easiest way to find the blankets.”" - this was just too funny to read!

21)"Even though Clancy certainly couldn’t see, Eleanor glared. She might be disoriented enough to be a little forward, but he wasn’t allowed to take advantage of that. Besides, Terence would throw him to the dogs if he found out." - a good glare-opportunity should never be wasted, even if the glare-receiver are not in a position to actually see it. A glare is just as much a feeling...:P

22)"Eleanor looked first at Allen, and then at his guest. Clancy’s features were accentuated by the light. She screamed." - I bet Clancy's not a happy sight to see just like that...:P

23)"“So do I,” Said Terrence, not to be left out." - one minor error: said shouldn't be capitalized.

24)"“No ‘demon of domestic misfortune’ or ‘demon of pudginess’?”

Both remarks went over his head." - I'm not surprised :P

25)"“Well, I guess I’m just Marissa, then.”

“Who are you married to?”

“What? No one.”

“Then, what are you doing here?”

“Right now I’m being harassed. I was working.” - I love Marissa's retorts. Especially the 'harassment' one.

26)"“I don’t think I like your tone.”

“Well, neither do I. Wait. No. That’s not what I meant.”" - Lol, no, I guess that's not what he meant. :P

27)"“I can’t believe Gil hired such an imbecile.”

“I can’t believe he hired a woman.”

“Chauvinist pig!”

“Demon wench!”

“What are you doing after work?”

“Foul harlo—what?”

“What are you doing after work?”" - I thought you said you couldn't do bickering properly. What were you talking about? This is classic bickering right here! And it was nicely done too! You're too modest some times...

28)"Terrence blinked, several times." - nice use of comma. It worked quite well :)

29)"Well, it was only natural that women of every species would fall all over themselves for him. He just hadn’t expected it to work so abruptly." - it doesn't sound like he's actually used to women of every species falling all over themselves for him though...:P I guess it's a nice experience.

Well, that's it for this chapter. I gotta go and beta my friend's story now...Ugh, so much work these days...XP
SapphireIris chapter 8 . 1/20/2007
Heehee, I love this! It's got both serious-ish parts, and parts where it's hard to stop laughing. I hope it gets updated regularly... hint hint :)


PS- It's now on my favorites list. Kudos!
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