|Reviews for Faustus: Well, Not Exactly|
| Sword On Fire chapter 8 . 1/20/2007
So, so, who went back? Terrence? And what of Damien? Please update again soon!
| Awaking kills the Dream chapter 4 . 1/20/2007
Carnival is over, and I'm done being cute and dead. I'll just continue with the being dead part.
1)"Thomas, demon of inopportune gluttony" - I love your demon names :)
2)" Well, not glared, exactly. He lacked the eyes to muster a proper glare." - heh, I love how you describe Thomas the blob. He must be such a funny demon to describe in alternative ways :)
3) "Even though he couldn’t see, he could perceive the vending machine. And he could perceive that it had eaten his dollar. So he glared. But not exactly." - see previous note.
4)"The reassuring buzz of refrigeration at work tried to convince Thomas that nothing was wrong. He had not just been robbed of meal and money. And, hey, there was a vending machine in front of him. Maybe he should get something to eat." - A vending machine with personality. It actually reminds me a bit of the soda vending machine at my school. It has a huge appetite for eating our money, and then refuse to spit out the soda afterwards. There has been some frustration over it...
But I love how you describe how the vending machine has innocently eaten Thomas' money and now tries to convince him that it never happened.
5)"The machine hadn’t meant to eat his money. It’d probably make up for it by giving him an extra snack." - yes it did. And it won't make up with an extra snack. That never happens..._
6)Nice description about how he carries his wallet and all that :)
7)"He wasn’t expected to work more than five minutes at a time, because it would upset his digestion." - XP
8)"He was, however, expected to crash it and eat all the chips within five minutes of arrival." - and I bet he does too, every time...:P
9)"The reason for these concessions was never clear. It was generally believed, though, that there would always be a certain amount of slacking in any office. Gilbert had hired Thomas to embody all of it, and thereby keep it from affecting the other workers." - did it work though?
10)"He rippled another sigh." - see note no 2 :P Good work with keeping the jargon.
11)"In desperation, he turned back to the vending machine. Maybe the third time was the charm." - yeah, but very unlikely. :P
12)"“I’ll level with you. I didn’t expect that to work.” Clancy folded his arms." - I guess he didn't. It's cool when unexpected things happen though.
13)"“I sent him to Avernus. He was alive at the time, so he should be fine.”
“You didn’t kill him?” Shock crackled under the words.
“Why would I do…oh, right. Demon.”" - Heh, yeah, demon. Talk about profiling. :P
14)"“Mortals have some pretty silly superstitions. I’m an office demon. Was. We don’t kill people. It usually means paperwork.”" - and paperwork sucks.
15)"“Well, not every demon gets to work at one of the cool jobs. Deception. Seduction. Torment. I’m like a scribe.”" - very nice way to describe the similarities between humans and demons. Not all mortals are kings now are they? :P
16)"Allen nodded. “Then…you’re not going to eat everyone in the castle?”
“Who comes up with this stuff? It’s only demons of sloth that do that.”" - nice to bring up the subject of sloth demons again, after you've recently have explained about sloth demons :)
17)"“Because you’re a man of science?” Clancy hazarded.
Eyebrows narrowed. “How did you know that? Everyone else calls me a witch.”" - there is just *something* about calling a guy a witch...
18)"“I know technology when I see it. Most of what mortals have comes from us. Except for the horse collar. I’ll give you guys that.”" - of course technology comes from Hell. What about witchcraft then? And nice touch about the horse collars.
19)"There were, on the whole, decidedly fewer naked women than Terrence had expected." - again, Terrence is very true to character. Also, nice to bring up the same sentence again. Shows how one-tracked Terrence's mind is.
20)"For the second time, he found himself wishing that the dark powers were darker. Or at least less clothed." - *snort*
21)"As things were, he stood on a very comfortable carpet, breathing carefully conditioned air, in an entirely empty room." - it might just be me, but when we follow a character like this, in third person, it sometimes bother me that facts are mentioned about things that the character doesn't know. By this I mean 'carefully conditioned air'. Terrence doesn't know what air condition is, but we're following Terrence, and we're closely linked to his thoughts. Of course, the author is omnipotent, so that explains it, but the way it is said now, it seems like Terrence actually knows that there is such a thing as an air conditioning. It's very out of place. Otherwise, it's a nice sentence, and I like the few last words 'in an entirely empty room'. Hell sure isn't like he'd expected.
22)"but they would be perfect for scores of demonic women. Which were nowhere to be seen." - Aww, (almost) poor Terrence; there's no women in sight. Somebody's been lying to him...:P
23)"Terrence sighed and pulled up a chair. It groaned alarmingly under his girth, but it held. He put his feet up. It squealed. Hastily, he put his feet back down." - heh, Terrence really is just a big baby.
24)"“Is someone there? If so, do you have a spare dollar?”" - lol :P
25)"There was a glowing, humming box pushed in a corner. Strange, he hadn’t noticed that before." - see, here he doesn't know that it's a vending machine. So that doesn't seem so out of place as the conditioned air.
26)"Beside it, there was a small mound of compost." - nice :)
27)"Terrence could only nod in terror. If that was what demon women looked like…" - Oh God. Then I'd actually sympathize with Terrence. But since they don't, I won't :P
28)"“Yes…” Terrence wasn’t sure how to address the blob. ‘Demon’ didn’t sound right. ‘Peasant’ was probably wrong, too. If it was a woman, ‘sir was certainly out. “Ma’m. Yes ma’m,” He finally managed." - what's actually worse; to mistake a woman for a man, or a man for a woman?
29)"“Hey, there’s no call for that.” It sounded hurt.
“You’re not…a woman?”
“Seriously, man. What gives?”" - yeah?
30)“No offense. You’re a really strange dude.” - says the blob. Right...:P
Well, that was it for chapter 4. Gotta get some sleep now.
| Meer der Sterne chapter 7 . 1/20/2007
I was confused about how you posted it up so I continued on to seven. Interesting story though. I couldn't exactly predict what the outcome could be so I was left a little surprised each time. It was a good read.
| Meer der Sterne chapter 1 . 1/20/2007
Sorry, I'm one of those highschool girls that Fiction Press is made up of. Maybe it'd help if I claimed to be a gay man in a woman's body? Perhaps not... onto the review!
"To say that demons loved paperwork would be a mistake." was my favourite line in this chapter. I always love a good humour. It made me laugh, honestly.
| Awaking kills the Dream chapter 3 . 1/20/2007
You do know that you've posted the whole story in this chapter, right? Even the first two chapters are posted, and then you've continue posting even more of the already posted story after this. I was highly confused when I started reading chapter three, because I first thought that you'd mistaken the chapters and reposted chapter 1. I scrolled down and saw that chapter two was here also, so I scrolled even further until I reached the part that I hadn't read. It's really odd to suddenly post the whole story in chapter three, and then continue posting shorter chapters afterwards as if nothing's happened. I suggest you do something about this. For lazy readers, like me, it's often better to divide the story into chapters, so that you have a feeling of progress, and not get the whole bunch where all you do is scroll, and you can hardly see the indicator move down the page. Of course, if you have a lot of chapters it also can seem intimidating for new readers, because then it looks like there's so much to catch up on, but I don't think this story'll have too many chapters when you've finished it all.
Because you've continued posting chapters after this, I'll review the chapters separately. It makes it easier to follow. At least for me. So this review will only deal with the part that is unique for this chapter.
1) "There were, on the whole, decidedly fewer naked women than Terrence had expected. There was also a conspicuous absence of cunning familiars, seething cauldrons, guttering candles, and implements of torture. No dark beasts slunk around the great hall, which had been converted into the summoning chamber. " A great opening line for a new chapter. It also made me laugh out loud again. It's funny to see what a character expects, and what is actually done differ so much. Magic isn't what superstition will have you believe. Also, that the first thing Terrence feel is missing is the naked women is all according to character. Again, I love this character as a character, but totally despise his personality.
2)"A royal decree followed by some healthy common sense had ensured that everyone but him and the scholar were in their chambers, sleeping." For any sensible servant, to follow a royal decree is the smartest thing to do. It usually ensures your continued service under said royalty.
3) "The atmosphere was primed for foul deeds. Still, Terrence felt something was lacking. He figured talking wasn’t movement, exactly, so he risked opening his mouth. “Hey, shouldn’t there be more vile and perfidious acts being performed?”" I love the first sentence there about the atmosphere being primed for foul deeds. Also, the kings comment is entirely in touch with character. And I liked the word perfidious, even though I had to look it up.
4)"Allen looked up from where he stood, well away from the king." Nice description. That 'well away from the king' says a whole truckload of things that the king is totally ignorant of.
5) "Allen had sworn it was the right book. Terrence had believed him, at the time." 'Allen had sworn it was the right book'. I love that. Of course it's the right book. Allen's got no death wish or anything now does he. Give royalty what they want, you probably will keep your head, and your place to live, a whole deal longer.
6)"“What—exactly—do you believe in?” Terrence asked.
“And that’s like witchcraft?”
“People treat it the same way.”" Love it. If you can't understand it, it must be magic. That's how it is.
7) "There was a strange quality to the words, like something was scuttling along behind them. An echo of centipede legs." This made chills run up my back. I think it was the word 'centipede'. I hate bugs.
8)"Kings didn’t go around expressing fear, even when they were caught up in the middle of something unspeakably eldritch. Fear was for peasants. Peasants and women. Peasant women, in particular." Haha! As always, in character. I didn't understand the exact meaning of the word 'eldritch' though, and I couldn't find it in my dictionary. I did understand the general meaning of the sentence of course, but not knowing a single word can annoy me immensely.
9)"Like fingers closing over a candle-flame, the darkness swarmed in around the circle and extinguished its light. Nothing.
Allen hesitated. “In the name of Progress, I invoke thee!”" I love how it seems that the incantation didn't work, so he repeats the last line, only with his true belief this time.
10) "Clancy blinked. His feet were cold. He looked down. His feet were cold because there was stone under them. Stone with a circle of metal around it. Inside the circle was a large, muscular demon. No, not a demon. A man." I like how you explains why Clancy's feet are cold, in the way Clancy discovers why. It follows Clancy's thought progress very nicely without it being first person POV.
11)"“You won’t have me, demon!” He shouted, making a complex sign with his fingers. It was either a holy symbol or a rude gesture." Also, the possible meanings of the sign is funny. Either holy, or rude. One of two. Lol
12)“Look, I really don’t want to have you. I’m late already, and claiming souls takes time.” He's quite nonchalant about having just been torn away from his homeworld and dumped into a summoning circle in the real world, isn't he? :P
13)"The one with the book. No demon was sure who had written it, although a few had guesses." Of course, the book. The cursed book.
14)"Gilbert had made it very clear that if he ever got hold of the publisher, he was going to build a whole new circle to stick him in. The imperor himself had never been a victim of summoning, but he hated the idea of being snatched from his office. It was just so…inconvenient." Indeed. It must be quite annoying. And inconvenient of course.
15)"“Yes, it is. And I can see that it drives terror into your foul heart.”
Clancy felt his foul heart beat a little faster." Love that 'foul heart' bit. Funny.
16)“Oh, good. That was a little tiring. So, what do we do now?” - isn't Allen supposed to know this? XP
17)"“It takes a minute for the circle to set. I thought I could break through. The minute was up, I guess.” Dusting himself off, the demon stood back up. “Well, I haven’t got all day. I’m due to be executed by my boss pretty soon. What do you need?’" I love the way Clancy gets all business like when his escape attempt fails. And that he's so casual about he's going to be killed by his boss. One error: at the end of Clancy's sentence: What do you need? you've written ' instead of ". Nothing major exactly.
18)“We’re not allowed to do that.”
“It’s bad for business." Feel my wuv! It's so funny.
19)“We’re not doing business, demon. You’re at my mercy.”
Clancy pondered this. There was nothing in the Black Tome that let a mortal harm a demon. There was only summoning, imprisonment, and banishing. If it came down to it, he could wait inside his circle for a decade or two. Maybe Gil would forget about him. “Well, I’m not going to help you.”
Love Clancy's logic. Puny humans can do no harm to me. Gil may, and quite possibly will. Well, I can wait.
20)"The larger man’s face flushed. His eyes bulged a little, too." Nice effect of adding buldging eyes afterwards. So casual.
21)“Do you really want a demon in your hall? It might attract attention. We should just banish him.” It *might* attract attention? Wow, Allen is just too smart. Lucky for Clancy that at least one intelligent human is around (of course he'd never be summoned if there wasn't, but then he'd be killed by Gilbert instead, and he wouldn't want that, but the smart human wants to banish him, and then he'd be killed anyway, and...oh well.)
22)“I have a proposition for you.”
“Sire, he means he has an idea.” - as I have said, I learn something new every time I read something by you. At first I thought Terrence confused proposition and proposal or something, but I checked Oxford Advanced Learner's just to be sure, and lo! To have a proposition could mean something entirely different too! You crazy English speaking people. But Terrence answers quite according to character. Nice touch that one.
23)“His name’s Allen.”
“Sire! There’s power in names.”
“There can’t be much in Allen.” HAHAHAHAH! Poor Allen.
24)“Um,” Clancy decided it might be better to dilute the truth. “Well, it’s full of women…”
“Let’s do what the demon said.”
Allen: 'Sire, this is a treacherous creature.' Clancy: 'There are women there.'
Terrence: 'I'm all cool! I'm going!' Funny how so little is enough to pursuade Terrence to do something completely stupid like that.
Well, that's it for now. I'm going to eat a nice dinner, and then dress up at cute dead girl with twin. :)
| Awaking kills the Dream chapter 2 . 1/19/2007
Whaddya know, the net still works, even it's 00:15 in the night. It usually breaks down at 11 pm because then the students are allowed to download stuff on their laptops. I'm impressed :P
Anyways. Chapter 2:
1)"Allen shivered." Allen is also a good name to use. It's so ordinary. "I am Allen, the wizard." Right...
2) "According to tradition, king Terrence had to keep a single wizard in the tallest tower of his castle. It didn’t really matter what the wizard did. He could spend all day reading, or sleeping, or turn into a bird and lark about the castle ramparts. Allen had no real aptitude for transformation, so mostly he divided his day between the first two." How can you stop yourself from laughing by this? I couldn't. There's no actual need to have a wizard, you just need one for show. That's all. Also, the part about turning into a bird and lark about. Funny. And I like larks on a general basis too. A friend of mine wrote a story once, about a giant of a man called Klaw. He was son of Lark. I still laugh, thinking about it...The man was huge, like troll-sized you know, and he boomed 'I am Klaw, son of Lark'. I laughed. Maybe because I'm evil. To this day I don't even know if my friend knew that a lark is an actual bird.
3)"A castle without a wizard wasn’t really a castle at all. It might as well be an armed fort used to maintain order in a feudal society." *snort* yeah, and who'd want that anyway? Honestly.
4)"Maybe Allen hadn’t cast a single spell since he arrived. So what? He’d certainly been kicked out of university for practicing witchcraft. He had to have some mastery for the unseen arts." There's a sensible nonsense feeling here. I don't know if you can feel it, but I'm overwhelmed by it. So what if he hadn't cast any spells, he'd been kicked out for practising at school. Yeah, that means he had to have some mastery of it...
5)"Clocks were safe. They measured the Lord’s time. Strange, metal boxes with hissing boilers and spinning wheels—those were the work of the devil. A week after Allen produced his first automaton, the university students vandalized his device, set fire to his room, and drove him from the campus. It was, he reflected, not a high point in his life." But it definitly is a high point in your story. Allen is by far my favourite here. He's also very Terry Pratchetty. It's kind of like how magic works in the Discworld - it's all in their heads for the most part :P
But what the hell is a automaton anyway?
6)"King Terrence had been desperate for a magician, though. All the other castles had one, of course, and he thought he was missing out." Of course he did. Really sounds like Terrance. Everyone else has one but me. Gotta get one then...
"He had hired Allen for three meals a day and all the books he could read, provided he agreed to live at the top of the highest tower. Terrence was not much of a reader and Allen didn’t care much for material comforts, so it had been a bargain for both of them. The only drawback was the winds that occasionally swept through the tower.
Allen leaned forward and the candle went out again." - I like how you explain the candle, that you mentioned already in the first paragraph. Kinda closes a tiny circle in this little part about Allen.
7) "It was not a friendly knock. Even sober, Terrence had an abusive relationship with inanimate things. Wine cups, silverware, doors, trees, small buildings, and boulders had all been victimized when the mood struck him. " Yeah, fits his character I think. I like the term 'abusive relationship with inanimate things'.
8)"with a teenager’s worth of existential angst in his head," nice comparison
9)"Allen was as harmless as an owl. Wide-eyed, dark-haired, and thin, he looked every bit the bird." I like owls. Allen sounds cute in a pathetic way. :P
10) “Um…figuratively, sire?” - now that'd be all too conveniently for Allen...oh no, let him sweat a little bit first.
11) “What’s there to figure? You’re a wizard. Conjure me immortal.” Terrence is definitly in character. What's there to figure made me laugh, and then you had to add 'conjure me immortal'. How can anyone stay straight-faced?
12) “I mean, no wizard knows the secrets to everlasting life. Otherwise there’d be more wizards than farmers in your kingdom.” This actually kinda makes sense you know. :P
13) "Small lines formed on Terrence’s forehead, stretching towards each other. His right eyebrow began to twitch. Allen stepped back, and felt the cool stone wall appear behind him. Nowhere to run." Nice imagery. No problem picturing it all. :) Also, poor Allen.
14)“They’ll be holy women, though. Not the kind you can meet in a dark corridor and—” HAHA! Funny. I *almost* felt sorry for Terrence for a split second even.
15)"The candle, in proper dramatic fashion, went out." Indeed, proper dramatism. I loved this, especially since you've already explained why the candle is constantly blown out all the time. Convenient wind for once :P
15) "“You are, aren’t you? You’re talking about rituals darker than the dead of night. Bizarre, fearsome rites rife with temptation? Where women writhe naked and the carnal powers of the underworld are unleashed? Through their manifold sins and the heat of their bodies, demons are invoked!” Terrence didn’t put much stock in priests, but he loved a good sermon. The kind with sinners and brimstone and dark powers. Apparently, he had memorized one." - apparently. Love this paragraph. :) Feel the luurvve!
16)“I’m going to need a book.”
Terrence broke off for a moment, confused. It was a pity, he reflected. He had just been getting to the good part. “What do you need a book for?”
“To summon the dark forces of the netherworld.”
“But don’t you already have books?”
On the table lay copies of Codex Mechanicus, DeVisi’s Laws of Motion, A Treatise on Applied Force, and Specifics of Flight. Terrence leaned over and pointed to a page. “That’s occult enough, right?” His finger was resting squarely on a line sketch of a flywheel.
Ah, the royalty's ignorance. We just love to bash the royal, don't we? ;P
17)“Um, yes. Sire. That is occult. But it’s not, um, dark. I need an, ah, more sinister book to commune with the demons.” - Allen is just adorable. I love this character to bits. He's not too smart, but smart enough to survive by giving the superior one what they want.
18) "If it weren’t for his impending immortal peril, Clancy might have let his eyes linger on the secretary." Yeah, an impending death can have that effect some times.
19)"He didn’t know why it was, but Clancy figured he’d be a lot more popular with wings." Because wings are awesome dude. That's why.
20)"It was really quite interesting, actually. The carpet had been patterned with the shapes of souls in anguish. Some of them appeared to be moving." Not that often you hear about a carpet that is actually interesting to look at. Usually it's always uninteresting.
21) “Marissa, demon of impure thoughts.” I'm sure she is. :P
22)“Ymir. He’s still in there, I think." Yay, a Norse mythological name!
Uh, yeah, I think that's about it for now. I'm so tired I could fall asleep sitting, listening to j-pop and having a hot laptop on my lap, like I have to, but I've resisted temptation. I feel like such a good girl now. The rest of your story will have to wait till tomorrow, when I might have actually a bit more interesting to say even.
| Sword On Fire chapter 7 . 1/19/2007
Oh, no. Not *more* demons! *shakes head* And what the heck is up with Terrence? Why's he acting ... intelligent?
Please update again soon!
| Awaking kills the Dream chapter 1 . 1/19/2007
Why, hi there Coyote-chan! *ahem* Sorry, I couldn't resist the temptation.
So, a new fic that deserves some comments, huh?
Oh well, ok then, since you're so nice. :) (and you write so well too, so it's not so bad really, I just like to complain a lot :P)
1) It's genious how the two first paragraphs with the elaborate descriptions of how agonizing Hell is, is followed by Clancy in his office just like that. When I started reading I was wondering if this was some sort of really dark story, which probably wouldn't have been so much fun, and then there's suddenly 'Clancy watched this dolefully from the window that overlooked his cubicle.' What? There's an office in Hell? It totally threw me off, in a good way. By the sentence: ' The underworld was boring', you had be hooked. Not many authors manage that; it usually takes them a whole lot longer, if they ever manage (except for Terry and Douglas of course, but they're a whole different story). I also liked the phrase 'It reeked of sulfur spiked with a sharp, metallic scent'. I really liked the word 'spiked' in this connection. Puts a nice image in my mind (well, not really, but you know what I mean). I also just learned that in America you say sulfur, while the Brits use sulphur. And here I thought it was actually supposed to be sulphur all the time (this is actually quite surprising, because it's usually the other way 'round, that I know the American word/spelling, and the British way is new to me :P). I learn something new everyday from you Coyote (even if you didn't have anything to do with this directly).
2) I also like the name Clancy for a demon. "I am Clancy, a demon! Fear me, puny humans!" *cough* Also, Gilbert, the king (imperor) of the demons. Yay for fear-inspiring names for demons...XP
3)"On the floor beside the desk, however, was a shoulder-high stack of paper. Clancy delicately lifted the first page from its brethren." Love the word 'brethren' here. I'd never even think of using 'brethren' in this context. Nice. Also, I feel sorry for Clancy. A shoulder-high stack of pages written top to bottom with names...ugh...XS
3)"They were all appointed by imperor Gilbert, who loved watching other demons do paperwork." I bet he did. I mean who doesn't? It's a lot better than doing the actual work yourself, I can tell you...also, loved the word 'imperor'. So funny. :)
4)"Clancy had never been a particularly intimidating demon. Born to a succubus and a minotaur, he had neither his mother’s perverse charms nor his father’s disgusting strength. " Aww, pwoor Clancy. I feel even more sorry for him now.
"When he staggered home, marked with bruises, he was met only with disapproving stares." Pwoor, pwoor Clancy...Like how you keep the 'jargon'. Imperor, spawned and so on. Nice touches :)
5)"Like most creatures, Clancy gritted his teeth and endured adolescence." How can you not relate, huh? :P
"He vowed to grow up, find a decent job misleading mortals, and spawn a brood or two. No sooner had he done the first, however, than Gilbert came to power. The imperor recognized a natural weakling when he saw one, and promptly stuck Clancy behind a desk. Which was where he sat now, gazing out the window and brooding." Yeah, life can suck also if you're a demon. You know what, your descriptions about demons kinda reminds me of the demons in an Artemis Fowl book (you must have read Artemis Fowl. If you haven't you've missed something great. Eion Colfer is also a genius author, who knows how to make a story interesting). But anyway. My point is that there is a demon in one of the books, and he's just a little imp. Kinda reminds me of Clancy. I felt sorry for No 1 too (that was his name, but it was not a good name among demons :P).
6) “Clancy, demon of all-too-convenient twists of fate, what’s up, man? Working hard or—” Hah! Demon of all-too-convenient twists of fate? Like my friend would say: lolz. Funny
7)Want a hand, man?”
“I had to replace my keyboard last time you helped me.”
Hah, awh, poor Thomas. He was only offering to help. Can't be too easy being a blob either...:P
8)"but I figure I’ve got a few hours to live until then. Might as well take it easy.” - that's a rather good way to look at things. In stead of stressing out, he wants to enjoy his last hours. Sounds like a good decicion to me :)
9)"I’d give anything to not be me. Anything at all." - man, he would even be a blob? Aw.
10)"Where he moved, torches guttered and went out. The shadow slid over them, smothered them, and the flames died. Where Terence walked, the flagstones groaned like thunder. Servants scattered like raindrops before him, collecting in pools in the cupboards and pantries where they knew he couldn’t fit." I'm so glad that Terrence is a fictional character, and that I don't know anyone like him. Ugh. Also, nice imagery with the raindrops and pools. Nice
11)"Like many kings, he was really quite small. He just had the fortune to inhabit a big man’s body." Ah, that explains a lot of things, for instance how he seems so big. A small man in a big mans body. Heh, ok.
12)"Besides—they concluded—“song” was the most important part of the equation." HAHAHA! I laughed quite loud here. Yeah, no song makes you unhealty.
13)"he was suffering from an excess of wine and a deficiency of women." - nicely put. I liked this. Suffering from defiency of women. Hah!
14) "Begetting a royal heir, Terrence believed, was not as important as *being* the royal heir." I bet that's exactly how he felt. He seems just like a giant baby. And I'm actually quite sure Queen Eleanor didn't mind him not paying too much attention to her. It'd be unwanted attention no doubt.
15) "As king, he had certainly commanded several executions. They had all been the result of fair trial, though. Or because he was angry. Or bored. He was, he reflected, a reasonably good man. As reasonable as could be expected from a king. He believed he would be welcomed into the hosts of heaven with a haunch of meat and a bottle of holy wine." I love the way his fairness and goodness is just degraded for each sentence, and then he concludes that he's an excellent king anyway, so everything's fine.
16)After a long pause, he had uttered the seven most worrying words of Terrence’s life: “I don’t think they do that there.” You can just here the drums of doom right here. That was funny.
Especially the continuations about how it took him quite a while to actually grasp what it is that Damien said. I had to look up 'percolate' though. It sounded like such a funny word that I had to know what it actually meant. And I liked the context you used it in.
17) "In a panic, Terrence had eaten as much as his stomach could hold and drunk all the wine he could fit down his throat. Unfortunately, the food had taken the edge off of the wine, and he remained mostly sober." That sucks.
"Now he was staggering through the halls of his castle, looking for women. If he was doomed to an afterlife of calm and quiet reflection for his pious ways, then he was going to get in all the pleasure he could while he lived." Such a sensible man, huh? :P I don't like him on a personal level, but he's an excellent character, funny, and believable in a Terry Pratchetty way.
Well, that was all for chapter 1. Your chapters for this story is a lot longer than in I do believe in fairies, so my reviews get even longer, and I have nothing useful to say, other than that I liked this and this, and this, and this...:P
Oh well, now comes the exciting part - will the net work? Or will this review have to wait for tomorrow? *dun dun dun*
| breana chapter 6 . 1/18/2007
I LOVE the fact that Clancy is such a klutz. Seriously, you have no idea how much I love it. Other than that, though, I feel like there's a lack of depth in characters. You haven't given us any background, or even what type of personality they have, except that Clancy's a klutz, Allen's a scientist, and Terrence is a pig. No offense, I'd just like... I don't know, a little more detail. I'm really liking the story itself, though.
| TheYellowKingsLeftShoe chapter 1 . 1/18/2007
Well done so far, no obvious mistakes were caught by my screen-bleached eyes.
I'm keen to see where it goes, but I must say that it smacks abit of Pratchett or Gaimen although I geuss that could be taken as compliment.
One little thing about your paragraphs, there's too many. It might just be my preferences but it does make it seem more choppy than it is.
Overall it's funny and that's all that matters at the end of the day.
| Sword On Fire chapter 5 . 1/17/2007
Is Marissa going to eat him? And what about the succession of Terrence's throne? I hope you make Eleanor queen. I think she'd be good at it. Or, at least, better than Terrence. Also, how is Clancy going to get back to Avernus?
Please update again soon!
| breana chapter 5 . 1/17/2007
hahahahahahahahaha. Sorry, had to get that out of my system. I love the bickering with the demon-woman; it's only natural that they would find meanness and fighting hot, I suppose. Terrence is a moron, but it works for him at least. Eleanor is a good character to throw into the mix, I think. The young queen, caged and restless, discontent. Of course she screamed when she saw Clancy- it's a natural thing. I'm glad you didn't have her just take it in stride and overlook it. I also love how realistic and clumsy your character's are. It's quite endearing.
| breana chapter 4 . 1/16/2007
King Terrence's obsession with women is... entertaining. At least he's staying in character. I must say, I'm loving Clancy. "Most of what mortals have comes from us. Except for the horse collar. I'll give you guys that." It's just so... rediculous, but you've made it so common place. I love it.
| Sword On Fire chapter 3 . 1/16/2007
YAY! Clancy gets his life shaken up, Terrence will get whacked by Gilbert (I'm right about that, yes?), and now there's a demon on the throne of wherever King Terrence used to rule. w00t!
I hate to nitpick, but in the third paragraph, there's something wrong with this sentence: "[Allen] had been *pouring* over a tome pulled from the king’s library."
It's supposed to be "poring". 'Cause if you have the "u" in there, the readers who pick up on it are going to ask, "*What* was he pouring all over the book? Oatmeal?"
So, yeah. Good chapter otherwise, though.
Please update again soon!
| breana chapter 3 . 1/15/2007
hahaha. I must say, the king reminds me (sadly) of a couple of people I know. I like it. You have a skill for creating realistic characters. Keep it up- I'm thoroughly enjoying this.