|Reviews for The Station|
| The Watched chapter 1 . 5/22/2007
Wow. I love this. I love the way there's a vein of sarcastic humour running through it, yet in some ways it's very poignant, and...lovely.
You'll have to excuse me; I haven't been on here in ages, and I appear to have entirely forgotten how to leave a review. OK. Anyway. Let's try again.
"Oh goodness" - For some reason, this beginning made me think the character was female almost all the way through. I don't know why. It just seems a feminine phrase, "Oh goodness". I do like the idea of beginning it with those two sentences, but I don't know, maybe "Oh, God" or something instead? Sounds a bit more masculine, is all.
"Mary rings. "Hi Mary," I say." I loved this line. Just the repetition of the 'Mary' immediately sets the tone of everything else. Lovely.
"EXPECED 20:19.’" - Spelling mistake; should be 'expected'.
I generally just adore the way you've conjured up the bored, lazy, people-watching train station mood so perfectly. I think that makes this piece, really. The fact that you can so clearly relate to the narrator. Who hasn't sat in a train station and made up lives for the people they see? I know I have.
"Even the air smells bored." It's lines like this that make me grin. They're just buried in here like lost treasure, glimmering, and when I find them and pull them out, they're just brilliant.
"...networking around the station like at a cocktail party." Something about this bit jars, to me - the "like at a cocktail party". I think it would sound better either to pick something for the tramp to be, y'know - "like a trophy wife at a cocktail party" or whatever, or just change it to "as if it was a cocktail party", or something like that. I think it would just scan better.
I love his contempt for Mary. I absolutely adore the Andrei Bolkonsky bits. And this line: "I find it is a sensible, traditional paper for people of sensible values. I also like the extra pull-out sections on a Sunday." made my day.
This line: "It is a not a very nice cubicle, but I does not have a dog in it so I use it." pretty much made me day. Although the 'I' should be an 'it', I think.
Anyway, I've gone on far too long, but I basically wanted to say that this was rather brilliant, and I loved it. )