Reviews for The Moon Child
The Mumbling Sage chapter 4 . 7/19/2007
The prolouge concept: Your story, do as you please. I see how it would work, but be sure to add details and spicyness.

My contradictory reviewing pattern: I review as I read. My perceptions, as a reader, will change as I review. So you're pretty much seeing a log of my reading experiance. It also explains why I can get redundant or stress over little things.

Your brain hurting: I didn't lie about the headache. Just saying. :p

Further reviews from myself: What, me stop reviewing? I made it halfway through at least two Cassie Edwards romances, and she was far worse than you! Furthermore, I didn't have the luxury of hitting her over the head with every mistake she made...


I dunno if this is a good suggestion or a very, very stupid one, but part of the reason I've been so harsh is that I'm currantly in the middle (er, beginning) of Kushiel's Dart (mentioned it in a past review I think), which your story kind of reminds me of. She manages what could be infodumping in a way that it isn't, but it's terribly hard to describe, so the best advice I can offer is check the book out and study it, if you haven't already read it.

How are the Provedshi brothers and sisters? They're chosen every 1,0 years- from the same family? Are Dick and Jane Jones both made Provedshi during the same celebration or some such?

Woa...suddenly we're on the beach. Not that I mind, but I thought the last chapter left off in the middle of the night with the promise of an immidiate surprise...

When trying for emotion, longer sentances make for less emotional ones; generally speaking. Not that you should be writing 'I felt sad'/end, but you have a tendancy to form long phrases with commas (comma) and it's sort of distracting. I feel breathless after reading some of these.

In other news, is it healthy to go into a trance while knitting?

Oh yeah, this essance-dimming bit. I eagerly await an explantion. Something magical, mystical, or is my literal mind playing tricks on me?

"Confusion muddled my logic"- I'm not sure how to get to the bottom of this one. That's a contradiction in terms, for one thing. Where confusion exists there cannot be logic.

Meh. Different skills for the different genders. Can't say I'm a fan, but it's your story.

So she knew instatly that this woman was a Traveler? What were the identifying marks?

I'd expand on her thoughts on visiting said old man.

Just had a thought- if she lived in a village, how did her mother and sister's deaths go so unoticed?

And anyway, who was that other man with her father?

'and to my amazement discovered that I could not sleep'- unless she's one who is out the second her head hits the pillow, how exactly did she figure this out? After 5 hours of staring at the ceiling, you're usually in no state for amazement.

When she's looking out the window, instead of saying 'they' I'd say 'the people outside'. More clear that way.

Aww, how cute. But how do unyuu(s) move, exactly?

I'm not sure if giving the caretaker an ugly look will help her get what she wants...and it seems wholly unwarrented.

That paragraph where she enters the Elder's room is exactly what I mean by too much in the way of commas. I think each of those sentances could be split into two for easier reading. Commas may form pauses, but periods form more definate ones.

His voice is 'surprisingLY strong' for someone his age. Typo there I think.

In contrast, old man Elder here speaks a bit quickly. He claims not to know what essance is, but he knows who knows about it...suggesting that he knows something about it...and if you head hurts right now, you've nobody to blame but yourself.

"My visit to the Elder was not entirely useless, as I was told that it was seen only by immortals."-hypocrite and harsh I might be, but an idiot I am not. If the reader paid any attention they would already know about that 'only seen by immortals' bit. I'd rephrase it at the least. I get what you're trying to say, but it sounds redundant.

Hmm...a guy who appears only as a shape in auras. Now that's a different kind of invisiblity.

Yeah, Keeram does seem unemotional. But there's something strange about the way he makes his offer. It's in a lot of dialogue written by new authors, my own included, and it's...I think it's the 'is that right?'

The sort of interjections that make the speaker sound unsure, even though most of these speakers are later known for always knowing what they speak of. For some reason, I never see more experianced writers use 'are you sure' 'kind of like' and 'right?' in dialouge- or if they don't, it never jars me as much.

When Keeram explains 'essance' he says 'being' at the end of two sentances right next to each other. Very redundant.

I'm very pick-nity about things like that.

Yeah, and Keeram's offer doesn't sound right. I know he needs to sound nochalant, but he's just too matter-of-fact there. The emotion isn't hitting right.
The Mumbling Sage chapter 3 . 7/19/2007
So, Provedsha female and Provedshimale? If so, I'll hold you to that imasuline ending. If not, I'll look like an idiot.

P1 That's...uneventful? Watching her mother killed before her eyes? And that information rolls off a little dryly- I don't care how hard-hearted you are, and I don't believe Lys (short for of her name a la Sage) is that bad, seeing somebody murdered will affect you.

(Anyway, I'm not seeing the bizarre formatting yet. Yet, that is. I imagine I'll know when it hits me)

P2 I love samll furry animals myself, but is the fact that he has an example to be followed that important to a three-year-old?

P3 Either kill Mom off before she has a chance to tell the story, or let the woman tell the story! Don't soom out to narrative to tell us what was about to be said in dialouge. That's sort of the ultimat in telling-not-showing. Which isn't always a bad thing, but in this case it is.

P4 That's 'its' story, not 'it's'. Yeah, I hate typos like that too. Actually, instead of its in any form, you might want to say 'the story of how...', because you already say it later on and that word can quickly become suffocating. Also, stories belong to everybody (/sappy)...don't they?

Ah...Mom declined. For what reason? The thing is, telling us unyuu's story doesn't work because it comes off as boring (and also pointless if Mom isn't going to talk about it anyway). But you've sort of cut off an escape route here.

P5 Insomnia and 'aching heart' as neighbors. Never thought I'd see the day...or maybe it's 'insomnia' referring to a three-year-old that gets me.

You also have a 'listened/listening closely'. Yes, two 'listen's right next to each other. No, it doesn't look good at all.

P6 ...put her in a deam-like trance? She's saying that way too matter of factly. And furthermore, what did she see? This story? (Oh...harsh. Sorry. However, 'dream-like trance' makes it sound like she saw something boring, and the telling in this story is grating on me, so...)

Yes, that 'dream-like trance' sentance is making me disordiantly angry. I want to bash heads against the keyboard. It's not a good sentance at all.

And crying and throwing up aren't generally prat of a dream-like trance.

P7 Um, since Mom's dead, no duh she isn't the one sobbing. Anyway, she can see her sister dying but can't see who's killing her? What, are these invisible assailants or something?

And if that kid doesn't stop using that matter-of-fact tone to describe her family being murdered so help me I will PUSH her down the stairs. There's times and places for no emotion, but this isn't one of 'em.

P8 Okay, it was he dad. But what a windbag this lady is! Why do we need to hear the cliche of widened eyes when we were probably expecting them anyway, and where there are more important things on hand?

Also, how the hell are they going to convince anybody that this was natural causes?

P9 'I lay awake for mere seconds' makes me think she then fell asleep, which is obviously not the case. There also should probably be a comma after 'I tensed'.

P10 I want to murder somebody myself now. Something about this is making me very fustrated. The girl is in denial, which isn't helping much. The dad's a murderer and an effing liar, which also isn't helping. The narrator is still a windbag, which doesn't lessened my yearning to bash heads to keyboards any either.

P11 I imagine she's looking back over the years and can tell that her dad was a liar then, but...I dunno...this narration style isn't helping to get in the immidacy of the surroundings.

P12 How stupid a child does he think she is? They didn't show any signs of being sick the day before, did they?

P13 Nice part about the religion- okay, that was a bit sarcastic. I sort of figured that Oridwa was an afterlife, and I sort of didn't care about the rest. How does she know her face paled, anyway? Did she have a mirror handy? And the fact that WE know and SHE knows her family was murdered, and her child self doesn't, but we're looking back from a point in time when she knows about the murder, gives me a headache. And not a pleasant one.

P14 Of course she didn't think her father would hurt her! She. doesn't. know. her. mom. was. murdered. by. him! Or at all, for that matter. And the rest of this paragraph is sort of confusing. Time is passing, but I'm still stuck at that point with the brutal murder and the...kid.

P15 You've got 'mind' twice in two sentances there. Also, why does she fear for her life when guys flirt with her?

P16 Ilas wants kids and a family. So do a lot of people. I'm afraid I don't know this guy very well, but on the other hand I'm not sure I care about Lys enough to worry that she isn't making a good choice. Though it is a relief to find family-minded persons in fantasy.

P17 It may just be me, but without legal announcements-or any announcements, as it seems -they're asking for broken marriages all over the place. What happens if a boyfriend and girlfriend just move in togeather? Are they counted as married?

P18 "This was a new feeling for – I’d never been “one of them”

whether it was my mother’s death, or Provedsha Yucille watching over me. " Okay, I think it would read better as 'This was a new feeling, for I'd never been 'one of them'. Whether it was my mother's death [which she apparently thinks was natural, unless she's learned otherwise and you forgot to tell us!] or Provedsha Yucille watching over me, I'd always been different.'

P19 I'm going to chalk that twinge of panic to presicence, then, because this is fantasy and that's the only explanation I can think of. How is premonitions of barreness the same as the feeling of watching your family get murdered? I can only imagine that this city has a peoccupation with fertility.

P20 'and however' is a sort of contradiction in terms. 'However' is what should be there. Or say 'but' 'though', etc. I will confess to rolling my eyes when Ilas turns into an alcoholic becuase he can't have a kid. This is helped by the fact that Lys/Lesslyth (guess I'll stick with that second one now) is pregnant when she's first shown to us. Also, I find it hard to give much of a damn for his feelings because I don't know the guy.

Rather than telling us about this day, can she just show us? And by 'show us', I mean, don't mention that she's going to show us. Just launch into it.

P21 What endless waters? Do I recall correct when you say she lives on the seashore? Becuase it's not mentioned often enough for me to not be confused here.

Okay, now we mention he's a fisherman. That might've been said earlier, like when she first met him.

Ilas fisherman, wants kids, will drink when he doesn't get them. Oh, and he brings his wife's favorite fish home. That's kind of sweet, I guess.

P22 A delicate sweater? Sort of a contradiction, as sweaters are kind of sturdy. she pregnant? I doubt it, since I think she's about to ask him to leave her. So what's up with it?

And cute joke, but should there be some "" around it?

And does she indeed have one for him? Since it was a joke, I can't be sure.

Wayward moon- like, one about to crash to earth? If so, interesting. If not...WTF?

She likes the fish that COINCIDENTALLY is also good for childbirth...I can only imagine what Freud would say about that. And I can imagine it pretty well too. And I sort of doubt that 'coincidance' part.

Her eyes are twirling a piece of fair hair around her finger? No? Then reread the sentance where you say they are. They're also scanning the ground for unyuu, who are apparently real creatures, are apparantly common in what I think is the city, and which remind me of rabbits because they're lucky and presented as clever in some stories.

And what's with the 'of course'?

P23 Dialouge goes such: " need to show some emotion," the Sage said. Comma, quotations, speaker tag. No periods before the quotes, please.

P24 That's her plea? I swear, I try to get in this woman's mind and I feel like a fly battering against a clear, inacessible barrier. I'm not kidding about my headache, either; though it probably isn't your fault.

P25 He leaves the room...but does he leave her life? 'Hunter's Moon'...the name is very familair, but I've probably heard it in some other fantasy. I have no idea what it means in this context. And if she just notices it as he leaves the room, how does he see it shining in her eyes? I think laws of casualty are being affected. At the very least, this paragraph is very confusing.

"Once my Ilas, with my sense of another being gone, I let the tears flow"- that ain't good English. But really, I can't even guess what you're trying to say here.

P26 Woe, woe, woe. 'Mock my life' is a phrase that I usually only see in bad emo poetry. Beware!

P27 Jerked to the present, which I nearly forgot existed. Gosh, this girl can really zone out, can't she? Gosh, I'm really getting nasty, aren't I? I do realize that, and I do apologize, but if you do indeed aspire to publication then I am indeed going to rip this thing to shreads. Partially in self-defense.

P28 What night's dancing?

P29 I realize that science doens't always work with fantasy, but somebody who manages moons for a living should know that the sudden increase in gravity as one comes down to the surface of the earth will crush anything below it. Also, I never heard that the Provedsh(as? is?) indulge in social contact. And why is the moon smooth? Yes, I do want an explanation for that.

And you called ProvedshA Yucille a ProvedshI.

And Lesslyth claims to have Yucille's favor. Why the sudden hate?

P30 I repeat my request to have the life story told as a life story, not idle thoughts while being run down for her life. And 'secret plot to kill her' is either a bad analogy or a broad hint. Since Lesslyth doesn't say anything about murder plots...

P31 Foreshadowing? Kill! Kill it I say! I'm for chopping up the various incidents in this chapter- namely 'Mom dying' 'Ilas & Lesslyth's marriage' and 'Yucille's hate' into three seperate chapters, and then this offer could be perhaps made in the 'Yucille's hate' chapter.
The Mumbling Sage chapter 2 . 7/19/2007
*slips on surgical gloves* Good evening, m'lady! This shouldn't hurt...more than 'like hell'...but remember, you asked for it!

I've heard of the 'paragraph' method for Xtreme reviews, so I'm trying it now. I'll number each paragraph and have something to say about each one. It should get pretty thurough.

P1-In you first sentance, is 'he' walking and sharpening his blade at the same time? Because that seems a little unproductive or whatever the word is. He'd be better served sharpening, then searching. Also, things seem to be moving veyr quickly here. After the first pargraph, I already know your character is pregnant and apparently can sense her own and her child's (and probably other people's) 'presances'. Or did I just make a fool of myself by assuming something here? And Something called Eithnee is important to her (city, right?). Anyway, if you're going for something more novel-length, it can be hard to rack up pages if you move this quickly. This know I from painful experiance.

P2 Now you appear to launch into the history of her life. A bizarre suggestion I have (well, at least a crazy one) is to tell us her history first in perhaps a few chapters (I'm reading Kushiel's Dart, so blame Jacqueline Carey for that), and to expand that first paragraph into a prolouge. Yes, I realize how radical that sounds. But the presant state of your story (yes, at paragraph two, I claim to sense the presant state of your story) seems a bit...amatuer-ish. I think I can get what you're trying to do here, but it would be better spread over chapters instead of paragraphs.

P3 Most religions are very specific; and 'very bloodthirsty' just doesn't sound...very bloodthirsty. The fact that 'bloodthirsty' came out as two words might be doing that to me. :p (You did ask for nitpicks). Also, I'm not seeing the blood here. While the concept is interesting (pardon my astro-mindedness, but do moons acutally asteroid/metor bombardment? Or something mythical), it's presented too concisely for me to feel much in the way of emotion, and it's not terribly interesting anyway. I'm reminded of my middle-school textbooks.

P4 Meela being the most perfect female on Earth- isn't she the ONLY woman on earth? Although there might be female gods, and maybe she's prettier than the Great Mother? If so, I expect jealousy to arrive soon...

P5 You say 'lustful' a lot here, or maybe it just seems so to me. I'm a stickler for repeated words, and the thing is, 'lustful' is a sort of unusual one so it stands out. Anyway...ah, killing fathers off. Yeah, kind of bloodthristy. Although did they have, like, a baby Provedsh-ing or something? Also, nitpicking again, but it Meela is the first woman how can she give birth (ish) to the first women?

"The first people populated Eithnee the, just as we did now"- I don't know what's up with that 'the'

Fair young girls ALWAYS sacrificed? What does the always specifically signify? Every hour on the hour? Since the beginning of time? As long as anybody can remember? Constantly?

P6 Oh, every 1,0 years. Then is it really ALWAYS? 'Semi-god' might read better as 'semi-divine'. The girls were sacrificed as young women, ergo they weren't girls anymore, were they? Nice way to fit in your protag's hair & eye color, but the paragraphs are still reminding me of textbooks- unelaborated information.

P7 'For who knew what would happen had they not' needs a '?' at the end. 'Rid of children'- what, like they're rodents or something? Also, what effect will THAT have on the demographics? How can you kill off every kid in the city (I'm seeing the blood thirst now)? And, um...who are these chosen? (That one doesn't need to be answered in the chapter, it's just piqued my interest).

P8 Don't think you need the comma after 'traditions' unless you put another one after 'in our city'. 'It's' and 'we've' don't look right sharing a sentance, 'it is' would probably be better with the more archaic second contraction. The combination of scientific-sounding words (orbit, etc) yet the belief that the sun revolves around them, is pretty cute. Unless, of course, the sun DOES revolve around them, in which case it's still cute but they're more scientific and their universe is weird.

P9 That sentance kind of came too much, too fast. So this is either late in our universe's life, or after some cataclysm in another one. These people know that stars are other suns, though they still believe part-gods control the moons (and hell, they might). Do they believe there are gods/etc controling other stars?

I see the problem here. Too many 'see's and 'sinces/as'. The sentance looks like one long run-on, which it isn't gramtticaly but doesn't excuse the fact that it's a pain to read without one period or at least a semicolon.

P10 The birth of the Provedshi is annual? Or is the celebration of their birth annual?

If the Provedshi only replace themselves every thousand years, how are they celebrating this annualy? Are you discussing two celebrations in one paragraph?

P11 Nitpicky. She gave us her religion, but not much of her history. Also, this chapter is rather infodumpy. Uninteresting, undiluted information. Granted, she hasn't experianced any of this, but tell us what she HAS experianced, and give these stories to us as she first heard them- for a priest, a storyteller, her mother, her grade-school teacher, passerby in the street. The implications are interesting, but I just got up an hour ago and I'm still rubbing sleep from my eyes here! Please don't make my waking moments more of a battle then they have to be...
Zure chapter 2 . 6/20/2007
I can never remember if i've already "replied" to a, that's why i'm here.

Point 1: Formatting

As someone mentioned before, your formatting is a little off-putting, (or really cool...depending on who you ask), i'd say that it would be best just to double space between paragraphs. That way it's easier for the reader to read it off the screen.

Point 2: Minor spelling error

[I cannot breath deeply to calm my nerves] [breathe]

Point 3: Narration style

I'd say that the first half was very well presented but somewhere along the way, somewhere in the girl's narration, you seem to have shifted into a different mode. I say this because it begins to feel more like i'm reading a book about mythology and less like i'm talking to someone who's lived it.


[In our city we had a very specific religion, with very bloodthirsty gods.] this particular phrase jumps out at me mainly because that's how someone from the 21st century would see it. If you've been raised with these beliefs you're less likely to describe them in that way (there's an undertone there indicating that she finds her own culture barbaric). You wouldn't necessarily even say "specific religion" unless the girl was very aware of the different religions out there. Here i suggest that you simply weigh the different things she says and try and reword them so her narration sounds more genuine (not textbooky). I think that this sort of thing is one of the hardest things to do as a writer.

Point 4: a warning

Since your piece is about a culture you've created you have to be extremely aware of your own culture and upbringing. Your own culture will carry-over into this piece if you don't pay attention. For example, the emphasis you put on lust bad/impure , that's similar to the modern-day take on lust. There is also a general undertone of disgust associated with the sacrifices. I'm just wondering, if that's all she's ever known, where did she learn to find it vulgar/bad?

But overall, i'd say that you've definitely got something going for you. The way you set up the first scene really drew my interest. I'm also glad that you're serious about your i don't feel like i've been blabbering too badly.


happy writing
Zure chapter 1 . 6/20/2007
Lol, i really hate leaving non cc reviews...but i just wanted to say that your AN is funny. I don't know how you got it to sound like that (i mean, if i tried that, i'd totally offend everyone) but yeah. nice start.
Rosemistress chapter 4 . 6/13/2007
considering she said that provedsha yucille would wish for her dead, as well as her hearing of keeping the child safe, not to mention the happenings of the first chapter, i'll have to say its quite clear what her answer is, as well as the result. i don't entirely understand why the tracker woud want to kill her, but my best guess is bcs of the child, since it WAS said the provedsh are NOT meant to reproduce...and i think highly unlikely that he asks of nothing in return...perhaps not now, but i'm sure that if the child grows up SOMETHING will come to be...the fact the it would he his, a provedsh, then of course something important is at hand.

oh, and tailary: THAT'S MEAN! [the whole not fathering the kid thing]. but that DID get me thinking of something: ONE of the reasons [as of course i'm sure there are others, as one is said at the end of the chapter] for the provedsh to forbid her to say who the father of the shild is might be since maybe the hunter would go AFTER HIM if it were found out...after all, they ARE NOT supposed to bear children...he's actually doing that for his sake...but does lesslyth want a child THAT badly? i mean, didn't she love Ilas? she ACTUALLY does that to him [even tho i know he's already gone]...perhaps she can say the child is his? that she ended up pregnant just before Ilas left? or a rape? blame it on the holy spirit? [P, kidding, no offense intended]. oh! and if she can see essence...then she's no mortal, obviously...demi-goddess? ah well...i'll just wait for more. _
Mosaic Stains chapter 2 . 6/10/2007
Finally I'm able to review you. It did take me some time, because I've been rather busy, but I'm here. You'll excuse me if I don't review you for all three, but instead one at a time.

Alright, my first thought when I was reading this was interesting. No, that was my second thought. My first was who is after her? Soon it was, who is she? And why is she so afraid? It's obvious she is afriad of being found. But why? (No mention of an answer. These are just rhetorical questions.)

What I found interesting was, one, the way you have the story written out. It's in poem stance, but it looks nice and different from the original way of writing a story. Second, I thought the fact it was in first person narration was nice, and third, the way it was narrated. It really made reading it interesting, because the narrator was actually talking to you, and then you made it sound as if she was telling a story beyond that of the story itself. Such as here:

{I believe my whole life has led up to this moment, or perhaps to the birth of my child, which is due to happen any time now. As I sit here, taking shallow, quiet breaths, I recall Eithnee, and I recall my past life.

I’d lived in Eithnee my whole life, and never had I been someone particularly remarkable. No more precocious as an infant, no more talented as a child, no more beautiful as a young woman. Despite this, the people of our large seaside capital insisted that the Provedsha Yucille had a soft spot for me, as there were rumors that she kept watch over me.} This part alone takes you somewhere else in the story.

The descriptions of the scenery are minimal, but what is being described in the story isn't. You can get a picture of her traditions and religion, so that made this chapter nice as well.

And your grammar was very nice, especially since the chapter isn't complicated- which makes for easy reading and peaked interests. I believe, I only saw one mistake, or caught one, because I don't read a story to sort out mistakes I read it for the story itself. Anyway the mistake was where you added an extra 's' to Goddess' Hall.

Well, I think you get the point of me thinking this was a nice interesting chapter, even if I come off a little dull in my review (that's just me today, sorry). Until my next review.

And thanks for the reviews!

TheUnknownMarauder chapter 2 . 6/9/2007
Hm... A very promising start, very nice beginning, interesting blend of science and myth... I really like the amount of history you bothered to create. This type of fantasy's not really my thing, I'm not sure I'll be able to comment on it without bias, but I'll do it, if you wish, and I'll recommend it to a friend who absolutely adores this stuff.


Zephyr-wings chapter 4 . 6/3/2007
For a second there i thought i was reading the bible. So we're finally getting at why she is being chased by a hunter at the beginning of the novela. The question is; will the child be a savior or a destroyer?
Taylary Daisuke chapter 4 . 6/3/2007
Oh boy, this Provedsh is a little horny, isn't he?

“Let me make love to you."

one word... WTF? It was really funny. In this chapter, this line had the biggest impresion on me. Let me make love to you so that you will become pregnant and have a bastard child because I ain't fathering the kid.

Cheer Genius!

PS: For a second there I thought you forgot you were even writting a story, I mean, it's been like five months since you last updated anything. Nice to see I was wrong _!
The Ferrett chapter 4 . 5/31/2007
That was obvious. But still. Wouldn't mind seeing father dude survive and/or fall in love with her. ::))
The Ferrett chapter 3 . 5/31/2007
That was amazing. the way it flows between present and past. ::))
The Ferrett chapter 2 . 5/31/2007
(Using the mumbling sage method) - don't like the double spacing, yes large chunks of single spacing is annoying but not as annoying as not being able to distinguish between dialogue and text. Curious that you start with a hiding scene, places the reader on the defensive immediately. Cool intro. The historry is amazing. ::))
Zephyr-wings chapter 3 . 5/29/2007
I must say this is getting really interesting but it says you haven't updated since January, what's up with that?
Zephyr-wings chapter 2 . 5/29/2007
I loved how you started the story. It captivated me. I do like your style and the setting of the story. Other than that, the only thing worth mentioning is that when I finished the chapter I still didn’t know what the story is about; but I guess that’s why there’s another chapter for me to read.

PS: Lesslyth? Where have I read that name before? Hm.
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