Reviews for California Dreamin'
Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 1/22/2007
Oh I really like this. Your language is great and vivid. I just have a few technical tips and ideas on structure.

Stanzas? I see this as:

California dreamin’

blonde babes, and broken Barbies

open stretches of highway

wide like plastic smiles

A land where age is death

but a little injection can fix all that

“Smile for the camera, sweetie”

Betrayal is your best friend,

and sycophants your shadows;

even your mirror is ready to stab you

in the back.

It’s like a hall of mirrors out there,

oh yes,

all smoke and glass,

botox and bleach.

So get out of there, sweet heart,

‘cause you’re losing your innocence fast,

that place is (slowly) killing you,

and I don’t recognize you anymore.

Also puncutation? You've got most of it spot on but I think you're missing a period at the end of line four? Maybe one after line six as well. Also I don't think you need the commas you put before your "and"s. It reads a little odd.

Otherwise, great use of language and a good picture painting. I love your scattered "b" alliteration.

.:midnight:.