Reviews for Daddy's Little Girl newly revised and completed
Akia Blakemore chapter 9 . 8/21/2010
I know it's been forever since you've updated it, but I've gone back and reread both this one and the older version and it's still as powerful as when I first read them. I just wanted to tell you that there are still people out there who appreciate your work, and I don't know if you've continued to go forth with seeking it to be published but I thought I should let you know that I will be looking forward to the day when I can go out and buy a copy of it. I hope you do update the revised version because I would like to see how the two versions differ, but I can understand if you stopped due to looking for it to be published. Like I said, I will be waiting for a hardcopy of this. ;) Thank you for writing such a great story and sharing it with FP.
itsVKEE chapter 1 . 1/6/2010
Wow; i'm so used to all the original names it's hard to grasp who is who xD i guess after reading the first version i find this one doesn't have a sense of reality anymore. I originaguess i've become too fond of Adam Morrison and Hayden Palmer. Also just a quick mishap, in your first version you wrote Halley instead of Hayden when she's walking into the locker room and Callie is yelling at her. I just thought i'd let you know because when I was reading it was so confused as to who this 'Halley' was.

But all in all either is the same but different. I'm swaying more to the original version better.
ValSilph chapter 9 . 3/7/2009
Oh, wow, wow, wow.

I see this story hasn't been updated in AGES :( I just am in love with it though. LJ is my favorite character, hands down, although Adam is of course pretty amazing.

I think somewhere you said you had the whole story written but wanted to upload it in segments. Um, well the last update was over a year ago. Any chance you could put the rest up? :D :D
DreamlessInfinity chapter 3 . 10/12/2007
I like how you've incorporated the boy's past into a normal conversation. It makes it seem very realistic.

Dreamless
DreamlessInfnity chapter 1 . 10/12/2007
This seems like a solid start; you’ve given background information, explained why she’s coming back, and shown amazing depth to your character’s emotions. Well done.

I like how you’ve started this, the first paragraph is light and although it holds some information about her, on her religious views, it doesn’t go into unnecessary detail.

The only thing I would comment on is your paragraph size. Although they’re well-separated and organized, you might want to go a step further and break them down once more. Reading paragraphs this size can always be slightly intimidating.

However, all of your paragraphs flow nicely into one another, if not for little interruption in the very beginning, and they don’t break up with awkward wording or irrelevant dialogue. That’s sometimes a problem for some authors. Again, well done!

Dreamless
biggerthanthis chapter 9 . 6/27/2007
I like your revised version a lot!

At the end of your last version it was kind of hard to tell where Adam and...Hayden/Halley stood because one minute they were kind of fighting and the next they were getting along, so maybe you could work on that part?

But then again, I was reading it pretty late at night, so maybe I didn't get all of it...

Are you going to get rid of the older version once you complete this one?
thesmilesthatwin chapter 9 . 6/7/2007
Hi. I just wanted to stop by to tell you how much I have enjoyed reading both versions of your story. I like the changes you made I think it flows better the second time around but I love the first version too. I hope you'll continue to update this story. I'd love to continue reading the revised version. Thanks for writing.
boredshitless chapter 9 . 6/6/2007
i dint realise you havent finished this revision. but good thing that its stopped here because i really shouldnt get distracted away from my studying. i have an exam tomorrow but ive been spending hours reading your story instead.

great story btw, cant get enough of it
boredshitless chapter 6 . 6/5/2007
i've actually already read this story, but the previous version. cant remember exactly when, but i cant stop myself from reading this again either. its just too good, your writing style and the story is one of the different, non cliche stories here on fictionpress. i do hope you start on your sequel soon though because i'll finish this one in no time
violin-lady13 chapter 9 . 4/15/2007
awesome job, again! this story never gets old. Yeah, you did a fantastic job with Halley's feelings: the Hiroshima analogy worked pretty well, and it was original. Good job with that. anyway, I think perhaps the only reason you haven't gotten quite so many reviews is that this is the second time you've posted this story, so people think that they've already been there, done that... which is really not fair to you or them, since they obviously are missing out on your much improved, excellent writing! You're so god! Oh, yeah, only one thing to comment on: I've noticed that sometimes you put words in italics when you're examining a character's feelings. You've done it a lot less in this version than your original, but every time you do do it, I would stop and think: is there a real need for this/ is there a word with a stronger connotation that would work just as well w/o italics? I'm not saying delete all of them, I'm just not sure whether or not it's entirely acceptable to do frequently in published writing (and your intent is to publish, right? If not, then sorry I asked). That's honestly the only thing I could say. Other than that, I love, love, love your story! Hope to see lots more soon!
Anon chapter 9 . 4/4/2007
Yes, you did. What I really like about this chapter is the fact that she seems to go through her emotions so fast in each different situation as you would in real life. So often in stories there is only one emotion per chapter, and not only is that unrealistic, it also makes the character seem flat.

I don't know how you've managed to do it, but you could quite easily imagine these people to be real and out there in Eugene Oregon.

One small typo, in Halley's rant it should be 'last one' you left out the space. Apart from that it was brilliant, Quick question (that I guess will get answered in later chapters) how much of a love triangle is there going to be? If two years later LJ is still annoyed at Zeke, Adam and LJ living in the same house is going to be explosive.
bagelmoo chapter 8 . 3/23/2007
Ahh! I feel bad that I haven't been reviewing, but I'm going to try to more, I promise! I love love love this story. I loved it the first time and I love it even more this time! At first I was really mad about the name change, but Halley fits her just as good as Hayden did. My favorite character is - and always has been - Wells. I'm always pulled to the quiet characters, because when they do say something, it means so much and is usually so insightful that it's staggering. Wells just makes me happy. Can't wait for the next chapter. You're doing a great job!
PrtsR4Me chapter 8 . 3/21/2007
LJ, because while you have him now as the ditzy funny character, I think that later on he will show compassion and depth. And he is hilarious.
anon chapter 8 . 3/19/2007
(sings) I love it I live it I love it.

(stops singing) you're killing me with all the sexual tension, seriously, it practically coming out of the screen.

Um... favourite character; Adam? Because he's so sexy? Actually, I love them all.
Jenny chapter 8 . 3/18/2007
I love this chapter- much different from the original ones. I like it! Halley and Adam are so perfect for eachother!
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