|Reviews for Fate|
| daretobe-dIfFeRnT chapter 4 . 10/10/2007
Wow, like I said before, things are moving a bit fast. There are so many new characters!
But it’s interestingXD
Hmm…what do I think of Artemis? …she’s an okay character, not the best to tell you the truth. I just think that you need to develop her character a little bit more, all I’m getting is scared little girl, I have no image of her. I know that she’s petite with dark hair but I don’t know anything else about her physical appearance. Try to expand on that more if you ever rewriteXD
| daretobe-dIfFeRnT chapter 3 . 10/10/2007
Ohh I donno what she sees but since I don’t have to wait for an update, I’ll just read the next chapterXD lucky lucky meXD
| daretobe-dIfFeRnT chapter 2 . 10/10/2007
“What was I without Noble? Nothing—I changed my mind. I was someone and murdering a killer would not cause me to destroy myself.”
Lol she changed her mind pretty quick…
Wait…didn’t Noble just say that he had given her the bruises? So he didn’t? Or is he just lying to Gunn.
The story’s good but it’s unclear during some parts and it’s moving rather quickly. Don’t get me wrong, though, it’s still good! It could use some improvements though
| daretobe-dIfFeRnT chapter 1 . 10/10/2007
Ohh cool beginning! We’ll find out all about Artemis’s past and why she was sitting on the bench in the first place right?
And I didn’t know Artemis could be a girls name, that’s newXD
| Cocheta Tristessa chapter 2 . 9/19/2007
Loving your story so far. And it's not only because I'm obsessed with vampire love stories. Keep writing. I'm sure the only reason you don't get good reviews is because everyone is in to much awe to write one. :D
| only pretending chapter 2 . 9/17/2007
I really LOVE this story already! Hehe. Great work.
| LittleRedRodeo chapter 2 . 9/15/2007
Oh, dear, you are quite benevolent, reviewing for so many people as you do. How could I not return the favor? Ah, and so many stories! Heh heh, I had a hard time picking which one to read, until I reread your profile again and saw what you said about this one.
Anyway, I was going to review just the prologue, but it was short enough that I thought I could review them both. The prologue was written rather well, and I didn't see any spelling/grammatical/construction errors. As for the content, I thought it was a pretty good hook for the story, leaving me with just enough questions I wanted answered to go on to the next chapter
As for the next chapter... One thing I noticed is that you skipped time frames really quickly, particularly when Noble leaves Artemis in the room, and in the next paragraph it's morning. I'm assuming that this may be one of the places you mentioned in which there's a scene change but no page break. If not, then maybe you could ease the transition? Give cues in the preceding and following paragraphs that you're about to change scenes. It's not easy for the reader to be jostled about so without fair warning. That, and the last scene between Noble and Gunn seems a little out of place.
Other than that, it was a good chapter, and you have a very interesting style. I like how Artemis is inserting comments as she's looking back on her past, and having Noble tell his side of the story adds an interesting dimension.
Some spelling/grammar I caught:
'The stuff I had learned about my boyfriend mad him sound worse than Hitler.' Mad to Made.
'Why has no one killed him by now?' It'll probably read better if you change 'has' to 'had.' The way it is now, this one sentence is in a different tense than the rest of the chapter.
'I would be killed if died or lived.' Is there a word missing in this sentence? I do that sort of thing all the time.
| AgtBauer24 chapter 8 . 8/16/2007
I like how the story started, but then the story changed completely in terms of plot lines. It was ok, until you started throwing in, what I thought was, too much ex-lovers sub-plots. What's with Artemis always saying 'Eat shit and die'? It got redundant after the second time she said that to her mother. Then, it seemed a bit ridiculous for her to say that every time her mother said something. Seems like Artemis can't say anything bad other than 'Eat shit and die'. You should try to vary it a bit more. Plus, I can't believe Artemis said that again in Chapter 8 too.
I also find the definition of the words annoying and also useless to the story. The only exception was the definition of the amulet (I think, or it was something crucial to the storyline.) You had a few words misspelled here and there, a one or two grammatical errors so far. Nothing major, I could still figure out what you meant. Just to let you know what to look for if you want to go back and edit the story. I liked the POVs but after awhile, it changed between too much characters that I would lose track of who POV I was in, but that's just me.
I like Noble, but that's probably because I like vampires. And I like your choice of names, it's nicely done. Overall, I like this story despite the issues I just told you about. Good job. I'll read the last chapter later. I hope you enjoyed reading my enormously huge review, probably the longest ever and the first one in several months.
| Eat-The-Meak chapter 2 . 7/20/2007
i like it a lot so far. i havent read the rest, but if it continues in this fashion, then i think you should definately make a sequal (sp?) but u might wanna fix it up a little, because it's kind of jumpy. like when she stabs him i kind of got lost. Why did she stab him? Like is she an assassin or was it his followers feeding her lies, or what? I didn't understand that part. and i was just wondering, have u read the anita blake series? It's by Laurell K. Hamilton in case u haven't. And he first book is called Gulty Pleasures (lol) suggestive title, but nothing bad happens in that book. So yeah...i guess im gunna go back to reading ur story.