Reviews for Lily
Emily Lee chapter 3 . 3/18/2008
i've been reading your story and so far it's really good. i really liked the whole knock and enter thing because it's so true! the way you convey lily's emotions is as if you went through it yourself. so far you've really written a great story. i can't wait to read the rest!
SpawnMeister666 chapter 9 . 6/3/2007
A decent update, good enough pace and realistic enough emotions and so on. Keep it up...

Spawny
SpawnMeister666 chapter 8 . 5/29/2007
I think this chapter suffered a little bit from too much detail. It was fine to explain the emotions of the English class, but I think you overdid it with the other classes, and that entire section could have probably been summed up with a couple of lines along the thread of...

"The rest of my lessons went by pretty much in a daze, with me in no mood to pay attention or join in with anything taking place. This probably wasn't helped by the fact my remaining lessons were Math and gym, which were probably my least favorite lessons anyway.

I was glad when it was finally time to go home and escape the feelings welling up inside me being so close to my mother"

Or something like that!

Of course, thats just my own personal opinion, so don't get too worried about it!

Spawny
SpawnMeister666 chapter 7 . 5/28/2007
I think that as long as there is something actually happening in the tale then it's fine to tell it from just one viewpoint. To do it any other way is liable to become confusing for people to read and more likely to put them off the tale than actually doing it as you have been so far.

That's my opinion anyway!

This, as ever, is a good update and well written.

Spawny
killer chipmunk chapter 7 . 5/27/2007
I don't know.I mean if you go back and fix

everything it'll take awhile and it might

be sometime before you'll get it done and

you'll get frustrated with and might quit

it I might have to be a little

mad but nonetheless it's your if you

don't want to do that maybe throw in a new character

or put in something that will blow us away.
killer chipmunk chapter 5 . 5/27/2007
It's a little depressing to think that

your parents really don't love you.I don't

know what I'd do but it's good; it's written

just thrown together.
SpawnMeister666 chapter 6 . 5/23/2007
Another couple of good updates. So far your dealing with the emotions of the situation well and it has a realistic and believable pace.

It could be interesting when the whole school knows one of the teachers got pregnant at 14 too, with the way kids tend to behave!

Spawny
dbz 77 chapter 4 . 5/21/2007
That was a very touching statement by Caroline.

Continue with this, please.
dbz 77 chapter 2 . 5/21/2007
This is a very intriguing story, it captures the mood of the characters well.

I assume that you are from southwestern Canada; is that correct? Perhaps you can sprinkle some geographic references.
SpawnMeister666 chapter 4 . 5/6/2007
You may think this is sub-standard, but I'm inclined to disagree. A story like this has to have the emotion of coming to terms with this kind of news in it somewhere, you can't just gloss over it, and this is extremely well written and realistic with regards the emotions involved.

Top marks from the SpawnMeister, however sub-standard you may think it yourself!

Spawny
SpawnMeister666 chapter 2 . 2/4/2007
I like this. It's well written, grips the reader right at the start, and is an interesting concept. I'm looking forwards to it being continued at some point soon.

Spawny
Lord Kelvin chapter 2 . 2/4/2007
A silly sentence bumped into my mind while reading "I was overreacting, like I usually tended to do. I had a bit of an overactive imagination, and it sometimes got the best of me." and it was "You don't need to overexplain, hon'."

Perhaps, the audience is mostly made of idiots that need you to feed this story to them by hand, but you should not forget intelligence. Work with the mind, not absence of it. You gave a hint of her character in the first sentence. The second one repeated it, making the character obvious, and unsound. Yes, it makes the personality easier to catch, but if a reader does not skim your work, that first sentence is enough. Too much is worse than too little. Why? The first sin is made by the majority - they won't notice that.

I've had my doubts about your verb usage in chapter one, in one or two instances, but this one made the point solid. Make out the key differences between past perfect, present perfect, past simple and past continuous. Some sentences require a stable tense. The line that caught my eye this time was "Just when I thought that it was safe to say that I would get a decent mark in at least one of my classes that year, something like this happens." Present-present or past-past. No past-present.

I like your style, overall. Just when I am about to notice that something is amiss, you chuck a sentence that makes a perfect excuse. Right on time and not a second too early. Bravo for the suspense.

One thing was a puzzle, though. It might have been a certain character trait, but I seemed to have missed some more questioning of the biological parent, being guilty for such misfortune and all. What is more, the emotions might have been kept out to reduce pressure, and yet, nobody seemed to be too apologetic. If this was intended as a not-so-loving parents routine, fine with me. If this was an oversight...you have some work to do.

Regardless, a very simplistic topic given an insightful analysis is always welcome. Just comes to show you that obvious things are never obvious.

Thank you for the experience.

Have a nice, abuse-free day.
Lord Kelvin chapter 1 . 2/4/2007
The first thing about first-person fictions that makes me whine is the pronoun, "I". I would give you a similar treatment, but...you were capable to present a sufficient amount of words. A few adverbs had changed my mind, so you would be the first not to receive the mentioned complaint. Good job.

However, you still could have some prevention for future reference. Remember that there is passive voice and abstract thoughts that do not require pronouns. They do not only improve the impression your work brings, but also present a top-notch package for your content.

Overall, I am shocked. You've managed to pull through an entire chapter or...regular family conversations without this nitwit complaining throughout the entire experience. Again, congratulations.

One annoying task, though. Your character, although makes natural speech-oriented mistakes, has a rather static way of pointing out things. I, personally, disliked the description of her father. Would you mind putting a little more life into it?

That would be all for chapter one. Closing remarks are included in my review for chapter two.
Sarah.Deep.As.I.Get chapter 1 . 2/2/2007
This is a good beginning. Are you planning on continuing? I would love to read more... Keep writing
Sargent Pepper chapter 1 . 1/31/2007
Its good, it sounds like it was a tippacle day for you in your life. Kudos to you and maybe write more about this story. Joey