|Reviews for The Specimen|
| Master Chief chapter 3 . 2/15/2007
Interesting chain of events here with Valerie's split personality and such. I didn't see it coming at all. The ending was extremely solid but a bit confusing. If Larry knew the whole time that Venice and Valerie were part of the same personality, that revelation would have been that much more powerful if you don't mention that she was standing by with a high powered sniper rifle. The placation was good though and should stay.
Larry seems like a cold blooded killer more so than a company exec (what i'm assuming MoonSoft is) and i would at least suspect him of being more remorseful for his unborn child. T'is the problem with short stories, I think. Not enough time for expose.
There were a few grammatical errors I caught and you would have two if this wasn't hot off the presses, i'm assuming. The first: Eight digits lighted up on the small screen.. should be eight digits LIT up on the small screen. The second: He didn’t even bother to look around to know that Venice probably had the crosshairs of some high-caliber sniper rifle trained on him... this is worded awkwardly. Try rewording. The third: it should be staccato gunfire. There was one other, but i can't find it.
Start posting Book 1.
| Master Chief chapter 2 . 2/9/2007
Fast update and a very cool chapter. I'm intrigued even further, and I find myself wondering how the title of the story fits in with its contents. Good to see this is part of the former-3065 universe, I didn't think you'd be back so soon.
The last name Corwin sounds familiar, but I'm too lazy to go back and look it up. and it looks like they're trying to sell Specter, cough-Raven-cough, on the black market.
Two things though: The dialogue seems far, far too proper. Kinda like sitting in a class where a professor lectures in a boring voice, using big words to sound intelligent but not really teaching us anything. And second, just a minor peeve really, feel free to change it or not, but sol should be solar or star. Sol is the name of our solar system.
Finish this bad boy off and then start posting the 3rd draft!
| Master Chief chapter 1 . 2/5/2007
Good to see you posting again! This conjured up images of Trinity running away from Agents. Not much to comment on here. Grammar is spot on. I noted one awkward phrase, but that was it. Update soon.
| Gothshake chapter 1 . 2/5/2007
It's a well told story, but I feel that I have seen
this formula in almost every action movie i've have
laid my eyes on.
Hope it gets a bit more original as the rest
of the plot unfolds.