|Reviews for Fragment Pieces of Life's Sonnet|
| Roman C Lee chapter 3 . 3/28/2008
"He hated this area years ago and still hated it now" You should put 'he'd' instead of 'he' because it is how he HAD felt, even if he felt the same now.
"Not to mention, those old ghost whose" 'ghost' needs to be 'ghosts' because you refer to 'those old ghosts' not 'that old ghost'.
"look at the house across" across from what?
"Vivienne began, looking in direction of the retreated animal," 'looking in THE direction.'
"Watching an identical smile to Vivienne crease" You need an apostrophy and an 's' after 'Vivienne' to show ownership.
""You know Joshua, he's always all right-" You forgot the ending quotations, there.
"'Seeing his uncle again was the part of coming back he really hadn't been looking forward to.'" this seems like any other sentence, so why the italics and quotations?
"whip into something" maybe 'whip up'?
"Qwuan could have" Couldn't?
You use VERY nice descriptions; that's not too common in the fiction press world. lol, I like the scenes your word put together in my mind's eye. They are always beautiful because of their clarity- be they horribly sad, or bright and cheery. But they havent been very cheery so far. Your imagery is fantastic.
| Roman C Lee chapter 2 . 3/28/2008
Oh, poor kid. This was horribly sad and the story seems promising. "Hell, he'd lost a son, so why shouldn't society, his creation, feel the same sentiments of loss." This needs a question mark.
"lifted his head and looked past the priest's to see what he thought as the solitary figure of Judianna." I think you meant to put 'was' instead of 'as'.
"Her long, dark hair, like his, plastered to her face in scary, wet wisps." You need a 'was' before 'plasterd'.
"Her thin, willow shape standing stiffly and her doe brown eyes identical to their mother and his staring hollowly from a sadly expressed face of beauty." 'Willowy' instead of 'willow' would be more correct. Why is a corpse standing? lol, maybe I missed something. You use and twice; you should probobly replace one with a comma. You need to put an apastophy and an 's' to show ownership after 'mother'. Uh, I don't know how to ssuggest revising the rest of the sentece because only you know how it was supposed to come out. All I can say is that the sentence structure doesn't make a lot of sence.
"Broken out of his reverie by a nudge on his left side Lewis, his uncle, inclined" You need a comma after 'side'.
"Perhaps, she'd be allowed to smell the scent of them while buried." You don't NEED to have the comma after 'perhaps'. It all depends on how you want the reader to say the sentence in their mind.
"'Why do something like that if you were dead and wouldn't know a damn thing going on after your passing'." Needs a question mark inside the quotations.
"he willed for the sight to be illusive. For this funeral to be for someone other than his twin; for everything to surrender to the old pace of normality he knew." Eh, you could just put a comma, instead of making a new sentence, by 'illusive'.
"then step back where he was standing beside his uncle." It doesn't really matter but you could put a 'to' infront of 'where' but, like I said, it doesn't really matter.
Well, all in all, this was an intresting begining for the story. *clicks arrow-link to next chapter* _
| Lady DreamWriter chapter 2 . 3/27/2008
Even though this piece is short, the detail of Qwuan’s grief cuts straight to your heart and soul. Loosing someone you care about is hard, but to loose that many people in what is obviously a small but very tight-knit family must be like being hit repeatedly without any pause for breath, you never really get the chance to absorb the loss completely.
I think that the flowers symbolize a great deal about the bond between the twins, the fact that Qwuan had searched so long to find the flowers that his sister had requested before she died (even though he thinks that there is nothing after death) gives me the feeling that this is a brother who would have moved heaven and earth to make his twin happen no matter what the cost to himself might have been.
There were one or two minor spacing mistakes, but nothing to really worry about.
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Founder of Reviewers Kingdom
| Lady DreamWriter chapter 1 . 3/27/2008
I love these two poems. They paint a very interesting picture when placed together. It makes you wonder what will happen within the story itself.
From the first poem, you get the sense that something will be hidden from a character. Even though whatever this is might be clear to the reader, it won’t be as clear to the character. My guess would be because either the character is too involved in what is going on to see the whole picture. Or it might be simply because the character doesn’t want to see what is right in front of his or her face.
The second poem sounds as though it is a call to arms. A fight or battle will take place within the story, illusions will be stripped until only the truth remains, and in the end the character will be fighting alone because no one else can fight this battle.
Using poems is an interesting way to prologue or otherwise foreshadow what might happen in a story. I admit to being curious now as to what will the story contain.
Please feel free to PM me whenever you like Faith.
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Founder of Reviewers Kingdom
| jekodama chapter 3 . 3/27/2008
Wow, it took me FOREVER and a day to get to the second review, so here it goes:
I never read the old version, so I don't know what you fixed, but the result was good. There are a couple of mistakes (I remember a 'whom' that should have been 'who', and there was another thing, but I can't remember now). I love the first line of the chapter, it evokes deep feelings. What happened that led Qwuan to leave home? what's the story behind his and Uncle Lewis behavior toward each other? And WHAT happened to Judianna? Too many questions!
And the you add Chyou (great name, by the way. I like how it rolls when you pronounce it aloud), which substantially adds more intrigue to the plot. I like her character so far, but I have only read up till her shrink session, so I can't tell for sure.
"... two session hours..." - Shouldn't it be "...two hours session..."?
Alright, I have to go. My boss is eyeing me suspiciously, so I better leave now. Until the next review!
| criti-sized chapter 7 . 3/24/2008
Well, I was convinced that I had reviewed you for all of your chapters, but I guess not, so here goes.
"“I had this dream, right...” she slowly said in a wistful tone that held a sort of gloominess. “...And in it, I was in this white room. I mean the whole room was starch white… from the walls and furniture, to the carpeting and spreads.”" Way to a beginning. I thnk it's nice that this chapter instantly had a gloomy air to it.
"“Scary…” he teasingly remarked, leaning back on the hind legs of his chair, pencil hanging from the corner of his mouth." Yeah, some help he is.
"“And then... I kind of looked down at the white sundress I was wearing, and noticed the smear wasn't actually coming from the wall, but from me. My feet had turned into a puddle of that same blood red color.”" Not trying to be a pain in the butt or anything other han that, but her words sort of came off forced to me. Possibly making them flow more easy.
"How distant, frail, and frightened she kind of looked." Lol, this at first struck me as how can a person look kind of some way Then it came off as such a masculine description. Which is what I think you were trying to portray for Qwuan.
"Rubbing his stubble face and scratching his neck, Qwuan asked," This sentence came off sort of awkward to me. It was the 'stubble face' part.
""Shut up? I guess that’s how you talk to friend’s you haven’t seen or talked to in a while huh? Alright… alright. That’s alright."" I hate to point this out, 'cause it makes me feel all nit-picky and stuff, but 'friend's' should be 'friends'
"Christopher no longer had a stupid crop of hair that made him look like… one of those dumb ass teen singers… The Jonas Brothers and such." It's amazing that we're the only two people that can't stand those kids... Or young men, lol.
"A confused expression spread on Christopher’s face. “Cussing? I don’t fuckin’ cuss too much." Yeah, and shit doesn't stink like shit, lol. Also, your qoutation marks.
Well, this, just like your last one, is one of your best chapters. Mostlikely because you're finally starting to get into the story. Yur characters are definitely starting to look more and more realistic. Not that they didn't before, but they seemed like they were only building.
As well, Christopher, a well liked character in my opinion came off interesting, especially with the cussing.
So, hurry up and update, we're all waiting and don't want to lose interest in your story.
| Sarah Allie chapter 2 . 3/20/2008
Heyy... As I read through this, I'll tell you what I think. First of all, I love how chapter 1 consisted of 2 quotes... it was nice :) And I like the name Qwuan :D And I love the name of the chapter XD
-"ForgetThis" got stuck together.
-The first letters of each word of the first line don't have to be capatilized.
-"fake sobs of fictitious grief" To me, this line seems too wordy. Maybe if you removed fake or fictitious, it'd sound better, 'cause if they're fake, we know they're fictitious, and if they're fictitous, we know they're fake, you know what I mean?
-I feel so sorry for the grandmother :(!
-'Then upon blinking, the rainy mirage evanesced as vapor into nothing.' This line is gorgeous, I love it.
Overall, I love this :) It's amazingly well-written, and structured beautifully; great job!
Sarah :) x
| concerto49 chapter 3 . 3/19/2008
I believe whilst good, some sentences had too many clauses, and felt that they dragged on a bit. Maybe they could have been broken up or phrased differently.
There's a sort-of narrator effect if it's purposely done that way. A lot of explanation on how the character feels at the time and the thoughts, but it's more something that should be portrayed through their actions and emotions.
The story and the suspense seems to be building up though, which is good. Again the descriptions are very powerful and really pushes the reader's imagination. The pace is fine too.
| concerto49 chapter 2 . 3/19/2008
Interesting start for part 1 with the quotes. And now a prologue. What else would follow?
"ForgetThis" got stuck together.
Nicely written. It really sets the atmosphere, tone, mood, and all. There's a rythmic flow, and some good description. It feels a bit eerie too.
Some sentences though felt a bit wordy, or maybe it's just the way it's phrased that disrupted the flow of things. It didn't read as well.
There was a bit of telling, but I believe it's due to the prologue and you wanted to go over some things without too much detail.
Other than that, good start.
| jj37362 chapter 3 . 3/18/2008
I love the irony in the fact that its raining as he's coming back into to town and in the fact that Chyou and Qwan first see eachother in the rain.
"Not to mention, those old ghost whose haunting presence still lingered within the house, or memories did- to be precise." This line seems...awkward and kinda confusing. Try rephrasing. Other than that it was well written. I'll defenitely read more when i have the time.
| AfterPartyFiasco chapter 3 . 3/17/2008
Hey! It's me again! Hehe p
he opened his door, got out, locking it behind him
...locking...him is a misplaced modifier. It's closer to door so it sounds like the door is the one locking something. Put the modifier at the very start of the sentence for it to be correctly placed. p
The first unexpected wave he got upon opening the door was the all too-familiar smell of apple cinnamon incense
...this confused me...you said the first unexpected wave and then all too-familiar smell...unexpected and too-familiar contradict each other hehe P
I think that's all I can review about! Hehe. Anyway, I think you should start building up your plot now considering you're already on your second chapter just to be able to catch your readers' interest. Other than that, everything is great especially your writing and all, and I look forward to reading some more of your works! P Great job and good luck!
- Songs of an Angel )
| AfterPartyFiasco chapter 2 . 3/17/2008
Heya! I'm from reviewers-found! And thy shall review your story...now :D
the echo sound IT made in the deep quiet as IT hit the umbrella he held over his head and ricocheted off into the air; the last mark on the ground IT would make, forming into a puddle of mud.
...Okay, I know 'it' is supposed to stand for rain but in this sentence, I am not quite sure. I had to read it like three times before I realized 'it' rain. Why is this so? Your sentences are quite choppy and you have so many nouns (i.e. unbrella, head, air), I am not sure what 'it' stands for. How can you solve this? I suggest that you replace your 'it's (NOT ALL OF THEM THOUGH) with rain. In that way you will remain your readers what that deadly pronoun stands for. ))
I really, really like your writing style. It's descriptive and that's something I would greatly want to learn and succeed in so congrats to you! )
Your first chapter sed the mood of your whole story, and by reading I can tell that this story of yours has a more serious and deep approach as compared to the lightheaded one I usually enjoy reading!
Keep up the great work as I go on now and read your other chapters! p
- Songs of an Angel
| Seigetsu Ren chapter 2 . 3/17/2008
First of all, I love the title of the prologue: Mourning Rain. I like how that sounds the same as morning rain. The personification is also especially beautiful.
In the first sentence, you wrote "echo sound". Actually, we know that echo is a sound, so you can just write "the echo it made" and just omit the word "sound".
To be honest, I didn't like the first paragraph. The description was beautiful, but confusing. You have too much in one sentence. Try to avoid listing out all the imagery and connecting them all with semi colons. Break the image into smaller bits and try to relate them by actions.
For some reason, I found "These were the memories..." to sound a bit awkward. I'm not sure about this, but I'd go with "Those were the memories..." Also, the word forever sounded a bit repetitive. I think you've used that for the first paragraph too.
"The prayer ending with the priest's..." is an unnecessary sentence fragment. Try "The prayer ended with the priest's...and the lever..."
The next paragraph has a beautiful description, but once again, you have several sentence fragments that don't read all too well, if you get what I mean. Why not "Her long, dark hair, like his, was plastered to her face in scary, wet wisps."? You just need the verb "to be" in order for it to make perfect grammatical sense.
"As well as due to her..." sounded awkward as well. Try "This was also because she had said that if she were to die before him, he would have to make sure that these flowers were on her grave." You can take out the "...or while they were young..." because even if she were to die young, but he died before her, he won't be able to make sure the flowers were on her grave, right?
I was wondering about the "mahogany colored casket" description. Mahogany means dark-colored wood, and casket is made out of wood. Therefore, I think it would be more natural to just say "the mahogany casket". Once again, "For this funeral..." is a sentence fragment. So as "Willing soundlessly..." and "Accepting that..."
All in all, you have an interesting prologue, but the grammatical errors really interrupted the flow. Try to correct all the sentence fragments first, then cut your descriptions into smaller bits. That way, it should have a much better flow.
That's all I've got to say. Hope it helps!
| Seigetsu Ren chapter 1 . 3/17/2008
Reviewing for reviewers-found. Congratz on being chosen as special read!
Interesting way to start the story. However, I'm rather lost after reading this. I understand that this may tie to things that are in this story, but perhaps you can just put this with the prologue so that we can see how the poem relates? It seems a bit strange to be an independent entry, and honestly, I'm not going to remember this poem. It would be rather troublesome if I have to click the back button every time I forget.
Hope that helps, onto the prologue next!
| jj37362 chapter 1 . 3/16/2008
Beautiful imagery and description. I felt like I was there. The biblical allusion was nice too. That is, it was fitting and well executed. Classy. And it went right with the tone of the story. Good job on this. Your attention to detail really made all the difference.